I feel intense pain for an area of my life that I rarely think about, and it's hard for me to communicate what I am feeling when confronted with its memory. When I was young (like 6 or 7) I had sexual experiences with a cousin . He was a couple of years older, and I looked up to him so much. It happened off and on until I was 15. Sometimes a year would go by without us doing anything, and then out of the blue we would get physical, and the guilt that I felt was inexplicable.
When I would go to Church, and because of what I was hearing, I was certain that I was headed to outer darkness, and that I was destined to Hell. When I learned about sexually transmitted diseases I convinced myself that I had AIDS, simply because I thought that it came from two guys having sex. I felt so worthless.
We never talked about it. We never really spoke to each other, we just knew what each other wanted and we went for it. I hate that it's a part of my life. I hate that I carried so much guilt as a young boy. I hate that I hated myself, and that I felt so rejected and evil. I believed that I was the worst person that walked the earth.
Luckily for me, I was able to separate my actions from the person that I really am. I didn't let those experiences dictate how I should feel about my life, and about my future. I was determined to be a good person. I was dead set on being as perfect as I could.
What I hate is the guilt that I felt, and the self-loathing that was incorporated into my life everyday. I don't think I have ever mourned for the little boy that suffered so much. I have never cried for the loss of my innocence. I have never really gotten past the fact that I feel like a bad person still for what happened. I'm 27, why should it still bug me? But it does, I don't like thinking that this little boy had to suffer so much. It's not this neighbor kids fault, it's not my fault, it just happened.
I feel like I have to let this go in a healthy way. I need be at peace with what happened so that I can forgive myself. I have come a long way, but I still feel that I let myself down because I was weak. It's the hardest thing to forgive myself, it's so hard to not have regrets. I deserve to be forgiven for this, I know that the Lord can't hold me accountable for what happened, I was young when I started the habit, and against all my will I couldn't break it, until he wasn't in my life anymore.
No wonder I have so many conflicting feelings about my life, about my sexuality, and about my future. That is what I have always known. I can't remember ever feeling peaceful about myself, and free from turmoil.