Elbow: April 2006

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Agressive Release

I haven't masturbated for two weeks now. I feel fine. I haven't really noticed a withdrawal. Of course I feel like I am repressing a lot, so who knows what I'm feeling cause I couldn't begin to pin point any concrete emotion.

I've mentioned that the only things I have been able to really feel completely are anxiety and turmoil. Those are consistent. However, I lack the ability to get mad, to cry, to release ect… I know that I need to get all these intense feelings out, but maybe I don't.

I seriously considered cutting. I was sitting at work thinking about all the pain and hurt that are sitting inside of me waiting to be released. I use to masturbate to get it all out, and now that masturbation isn't a possibility, I thought about turning to cutting. Cutting would be a powerful release to all the anxiety and turmoil I am feeling, and hopefully it would also provide an outlet for me to cry and scream the way that I feel like I should be able to access. I'm blocked basically, and I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being numb.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Turn to Writhe

I wish that I could cry and let it all out. I know that there is reservoir inside of me that is waiting to break the damn but it just isn't coming. I feel almost numb and void of emotion. I have a blank stare. I don't know what I am feeling besides turmoil and anxiety. Other than that I can't cry, I can't scream. When will it be my turn to let go?

Friday, April 21, 2006

At Least It's Gibberish

I have such a heavy heart today. My mind is over processed with emotions and attempts at logic. I feel both frustrated at my inability to communicate what I want, and deeply saddened by the realities of my current failure.

Last night my wife and I laid in bed while she commented that she was sad, and further upset because I haven't noticed or done anything to make her feel better. I replied back that I didn't feel like she was any more sad than I was. She seemed surprised as she responded by saying "why are you sad?"

The muscles in my body went limp, my eyes saw sparks of white lights and air brushed red. I froze in my usual fashion and frantically waited for my mind and mouth to muster up something appropriate to say. My words were repeatedly vague and obtuse: "just the usual stuff."

"What stuff?" She insisted.

Said phrases kept repeating themselves like a broken record as I cowardly blurted out the only thing that I felt would keep peace in a space that seemed smaller than a millimeter, but had the potential to explode the entire state of New York right out from under us; "being sexualized at an early age" was the only phrase that exited my mouth.

"You wouldn't say anything to me if I didn't talk first."

I said "I know."

As we both laid there in silence for what seemed like a long while, she pleaded "will you start talking to me."

I said "yes."

When I woke up in the morning my wife said that I was talking all night in my sleep. I asked her what I was saying and she remarked that she couldn't make out any of the words, and that it all sounded like gibberish.

And I thought to myself "well, even if she couldn't understand what I was saying, at least I kept my promise." I'm now hopeful that my subconscious will come up with a way to speak something coherent while I'm awake too.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


It's tiring feeling anxiety all of the time. I don't know if I am strong enough to talk to my wife and tell her what I am feeling. I need to build up the courage.

I am so distracted.
I am overwhelmed and I don't have anything to hold onto.
I love my wife.
I have so much to think about right now.
My wife is unhappy in general about her life and I don't want to add to that sadness she is feeling right now.
I want to be honest. I need to get to a place where I feel like I am in control of my own life.
I feel fine one minute, and full of anxiety the next.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

My Deep Dark Secret

I feel intense pain for an area of my life that I rarely think about, and it's hard for me to communicate what I am feeling when confronted with its memory. When I was young (like 6 or 7) I had sexual experiences with a cousin . He was a couple of years older, and I looked up to him so much. It happened off and on until I was 15. Sometimes a year would go by without us doing anything, and then out of the blue we would get physical, and the guilt that I felt was inexplicable.

When I would go to Church, and because of what I was hearing, I was certain that I was headed to outer darkness, and that I was destined to Hell. When I learned about sexually transmitted diseases I convinced myself that I had AIDS, simply because I thought that it came from two guys having sex. I felt so worthless.

We never talked about it. We never really spoke to each other, we just knew what each other wanted and we went for it. I hate that it's a part of my life. I hate that I carried so much guilt as a young boy. I hate that I hated myself, and that I felt so rejected and evil. I believed that I was the worst person that walked the earth.

Luckily for me, I was able to separate my actions from the person that I really am. I didn't let those experiences dictate how I should feel about my life, and about my future. I was determined to be a good person. I was dead set on being as perfect as I could.

What I hate is the guilt that I felt, and the self-loathing that was incorporated into my life everyday. I don't think I have ever mourned for the little boy that suffered so much. I have never cried for the loss of my innocence. I have never really gotten past the fact that I feel like a bad person still for what happened. I'm 27, why should it still bug me? But it does, I don't like thinking that this little boy had to suffer so much. It's not this neighbor kids fault, it's not my fault, it just happened.

I feel like I have to let this go in a healthy way. I need be at peace with what happened so that I can forgive myself. I have come a long way, but I still feel that I let myself down because I was weak. It's the hardest thing to forgive myself, it's so hard to not have regrets. I deserve to be forgiven for this, I know that the Lord can't hold me accountable for what happened, I was young when I started the habit, and against all my will I couldn't break it, until he wasn't in my life anymore.

No wonder I have so many conflicting feelings about my life, about my sexuality, and about my future. That is what I have always known. I can't remember ever feeling peaceful about myself, and free from turmoil.

Monday, April 10, 2006


I can't believe that this is my life. I am surrounded by a lot of good things that I have going for me, but in this area I am completely null of peace. So most of the time I do nothing. I sit, I wait, I think and then my mind goes blank. I have nothing and I am nothing because my mind is set on nothing concrete.

I am scared to think of alternatives. I can't begin to imagine my life tomorrow or the next day, let alone in a year. I have so much to be thankful for and yet all I can see sometimes is that I am.

Right now, I don't have the strength to complete myself. Maybe that's where the Lord comes in. Maybe that's where nothing begets nothing, and I turn into a perpetual cycle of harm to myself. I don't know if the solution lies at my grasp. Beyond my reach is all I can comprehend, and therefore if it is unapproachable why fight for it?