Elbow: September 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

Shiz That's In My Head

The stress has subsided a bit. I was feeling so overwhelmed about being attracted to guys. Sometimes I want to see a naked guy and then when I'm at the gym, and I actually do see a naked guy, who looks really good, it ends up not being very exciting.

I was freaking out for no reason. I love my wife so much. I look at her a sense of peace comes over me. She's brilliant. She's beautiful. She's smart and funny and charming.

I saw my therapist yesterday and I'm really glad that he's so cool and extremely intelligent because I need someone who is prepared to sort all of the messed up shiz that's in my head.

He pointed out something really insightful to me. He noticed that I continually refer to my actions as "I can't help it" or "I end up doing..." or "I'm afraid of what I'll do..." and "I don't trust myself." He basically called me out and told me that I of course am choosing to do what I do. I'm in charge and I make the choice.

Recognizing that I have control, and that the impulses are not the deciding factor of my actions is a really important discovery for me.

Basically it's good to have someone call me out for things that I subconsciously know I need to correct. And it's good to be told that my impulses aren't the summation of my actions.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Help Me! I'm An Addict!

What am I going to do about my pornography use? I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

I was sitting in my office yesterday, and I was clicking on different links and just before I could even think of it, I was looking at naked men. I don't know what my mind did to go on autopilot, but without my consent...there I was. And so I looked. I kept looking and I noticed that I didn't even have an erection. I kept clicking on sights that would provoke my sexual faculties more, but nothing worked. So naturally I thought well if this isn't doing anything for me physically then what am I doing? So I told myself to change the screen to something that wasn't homoerotic. I couldn't change it. I don't know why but I kept looking and finally decided to just masturbate to get it over with. I didn't even have an erection and I was pulling on myself to give me one. Why? I felt like I was making myself masturbate and look at pornography and I didn't want to. Does this make sense to anyone?

It frustrated me. And the more I thought about it I realized that it had happened a couple of other times before where I wasn't turned on or stimulated but I was looking at it because...that's my habbit, it's an addiction. Sometimes I sit at the computer and I'm like "What am I doing? I'm not enjoying this. Why am I doing this?" It's crazy. So I need help. I guess I should talk to the bishop, but what can he tell me. Should I go to an addiction clinic or something? What do I do? I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be addicted anymore.

This is what is frustrating too, I love having sex with my wife, and if it was up to me I would want to have sex almost every other day. So why do I need to masturbate? When we make love I don't even have to worry about getting an erection...it's just there. And yet I sit at the computer and I have to work at making myself hard so that I can do something that I don't want to do anyway. I'm frustrated with this.

That's all. I'd appreciate any advice as to how I can elimiate this practice from my life entirely.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Vulerable Control

I feel like i've never been so motivated to do what I feel is right. I'm not sure what is coming or what has brought about this change, but it feels like I've been given a window of hope that is opening up this wide vista of beautiful skies.

There is a God and truth is not subjective. The world is beautiful and difficult at the same time, balance is the trial, choice is the motivator.

Jesus is the key to my salvation only if I choose Him. Jesus is my strength and my guide, I am seeking for the strength to follow Him. His selflessness is a beakon to me. I want to live without the desire to be filled by things that are of this world.

I'm happy right now. I'm happy knowing that I am capable of so much.

For the first time in a long time I feel in control and vulnerable all in one breath.