Shiz That's In My Head
The stress has subsided a bit. I was feeling so overwhelmed about being attracted to guys. Sometimes I want to see a naked guy and then when I'm at the gym, and I actually do see a naked guy, who looks really good, it ends up not being very exciting.
I was freaking out for no reason. I love my wife so much. I look at her a sense of peace comes over me. She's brilliant. She's beautiful. She's smart and funny and charming.
I saw my therapist yesterday and I'm really glad that he's so cool and extremely intelligent because I need someone who is prepared to sort all of the messed up shiz that's in my head.
He pointed out something really insightful to me. He noticed that I continually refer to my actions as "I can't help it" or "I end up doing..." or "I'm afraid of what I'll do..." and "I don't trust myself." He basically called me out and told me that I of course am choosing to do what I do. I'm in charge and I make the choice.
Recognizing that I have control, and that the impulses are not the deciding factor of my actions is a really important discovery for me.
Basically it's good to have someone call me out for things that I subconsciously know I need to correct. And it's good to be told that my impulses aren't the summation of my actions.