I guess my dishonesty all started with the incident of sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young. From that point on I had a huge secret to hide and I swore to myself that I would do all things possbile to keep the incident undesclosed. I was worried that people would think less of me, I was worried that people would find out that I was gay. I was worried that I would looked down upon, I was worried that I had let my family down, and in the process that I lost my chance at salvation.
I was young and I didn't realize that the sexual abuse wasn't my fault or that I didn't cause the incident, which is still debatable because I liked the encounter and I craved for it to happen again and again. But I tell myself that it's not my fault because I was young and I was not aware of what being physically intimate in that capacity really meant. Or mayube I did...
So now I'm left with this secret side of my personality that won't allow me to let go and share peices of myself with people who love me. I yearn for honesty in my life. I yearn to share and I yearn to be loved for the insecurities and the lies that I pray people can get over. I look at my beautiful wife and I love her with all of my heart. I look at her and think of how much I'm a jerk for not being completely honest. I feel disgusted that I haven't told her about this blog. I want her to know, and yet I don't. She doesn't know that I feel this way. She knows that I have homosexual tendencies and she knows that I have problems because of the sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young, but she doesn't know I masturbate, and she doesn't know that I look at pornography.
I don't know how to break this cycle that holds me captive. I want to tell her, I want her to know, but I'm scared she'll leave me. I'm scared that she'll love me less, and I'm most scared of hurting her.
I guess I've already hurt her, she just doesn't know it yet.