Elbow: October 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Blessings Without Limit

I wonder if there are black people in the church that feel offended when they hear people compare the gay oppression in the community of the saints being related to the struggle that was afforded their ancestors as they were discriminated against and even placed in danger for the societal set back that was allotted then during the history of the church and more importantly the history of our country.

There are so many ways to parallel the gay struggle/movement in the church but it seems as though the comparison of the black members of the church being able to receive the priesthood is easily understood because the oppression originated in society and the permeated the doctrine of the church to view black members as not being “ready” to receive that blessings of holding the priesthood and having the power in their homes.

I don’t know what will happen in future of the church when in our country gay marriage will be legalized and communities are more gay friendly and families can no longer expect their son’s and daughters to marry against their organic attractions.

One thing that does separate the gay struggle within the church and the black men receiving the priesthood is that black men in the church were hopeful and prayerful that they would one day receive the blessings that so many other men in the church had been receiving. And yet there are gay men and women who are active members of the church willing to be exploited and repressed and even fighting for the further disembodiment of the forces that are trying to promote equality in the distribution of blessings.

When a straight man marries a straight woman, part of the blessings that are afforded them are automatically rewarded. Natural affection, true sexual fulfillment, and organic connection of the physical and emotional bond that they share. To choose to live your life with someone and not have those essential components be part of the relationship, then what’s the point of getting married?

I use to think that the blessings would come and that if I were patient enough and if I were faithful enough that I could obtain the unseen magical blessings that would one day be mine. And now I realize that I can have whatever blessing I want because there are an abundant amount of blessings available for the taking. I am not limited. I can be connected to a man and have the same emotional, spiritual and physical connections that a straight man and women rejoice in. And if I choose to focus on the blessings of the struggle and the possible blessings of sacrifice then I can have those too. But I choose to be happy now and to be happy later and to be happy after death.

The Lord doesn’t discriminate. The Lord doesn’t turn people away because they choose to love and support and give and hope and care and sacrifice and embody true affection for someone of their same gender.

It would be ridiculous to assume that a black person would look down on another black person for wanting what is a natural and God given right to experience love and connection on a natural and valid level. So why do gay men in the church look down on other gay men for choosing to take God up on the blessings that He has promised everyone?

I use to feel like I was bound by my sexuality in that I couldn’t participate in the blessings that others had. I felt like the sexual and emotional blessings that were experienced by straight men and women could not be mine because that was my lot in life. And then I realized that I could take off the handcuffs that I bound myself in for so long. I didn’t have to stay bound with my hands behind my back. I was free all along to grasp and fight and look to love and seek out intimate human connection that wasn’t forced or lacking in richness or blessings.

I feel whole because I’ve remembered that God has already made me whole. I am benefiting from the blessings of being true to myself because I am choosing to use the resources that Heavenly Father has given me to obtain those blessings.

Regardless of the outcome as to whether "the gays" will receive the priesthood or not, or if lesbians will be able to teach primary... that’s not my concern. But my focus for me and this time of my life, is to remember that happiness only begets more happiness, and struggle and repression and stifling and denial will only bring more of the same.

If it’s true that sexuality is a choice, then I chose to be happy.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

On The Table

I’ve been beating myself up for so long about my marriage. It was really easy for me to just brush off the common judgments of people who looked down on me for the choices that I’ve made. I was outwardly adamant about explaining that my past is valid and good, but inside I silently felt the pain and the prick and the loneliness of being alone after I’ve had my best friend to soothe and comfort me for three years.

So I want to come clean. I want to be honest and I want to be as truthful as I can be in this moment. I was holding back a lot because I didn’t want to drag my wife onto the pages of this blog anymore than she had been. I wanted to protect her and myself for saying the wrong thing about our very intimate and personal choices. What I never said and what I am giving permission to say now is that my marriage wasn’t right from the beginning, and I didn’t get a divorce solely because I happen to be gay. My wife and I got a divorce because our marriage wasn’t right.

If my wife happened to be a man and happened to have a penis and a face like Patrick Wilson and a chest like Chad White then we still would have gotten a divorce. If I were straight and I connected emotionally and spiritually to the physical makeup and soul components of a woman more than a man's then I still and even then would have proceeded with the divorce. If I hadn’t been sexually molested as a young boy and didn’t have various sexual urges to look at porn or to masturbate, the marriage would have ended still. If my wife didn’t care that I checked out guys or felt a close connection to men, then we still would have ended the marriage because it just wasn’t right.

Something I never understood about marriage and the union of two people is that it takes a best friend energy to want to form your life with someone, but just because two people are best friends doesn’t mean they should get married to each other. Just because two people really care about each other, and are perhaps in love doesn’t mean they should get married. There’s more to a marriage and a lasting relationship than being best friends and even being in love. Love matters, but so does connection and forgiveness and freedom and trust and permission and encouragement and laughter and sex.

Having been married and knowing what it’s like to be with someone as a spouse I see now that there were so many things lacking. We had the obvious external beauty of a typical couple; beauty, smiles and worldly successes. It was easy to look at my life and trust that everything you saw was real and lasting. People saw my marriage as an example and template for a compatible couple. Sometimes what you see is not what you get.

I could have stayed in my painfully flawed marriage and I could have tried harder to make something that was obviously the color of turquoise a rich and shiny rust, but it still would have been a lie and on the inside it would still be a completely different color.

I want to be my own color and live in a relationship that compliments my tone and texture and hue. I started this week feeling overwhelmingly sad because I was letting myself feel guilty for not being straight enough, not being strong enough or not being less me. But I see now that no matter what I could have done or no matter the actions I could have taken, my marriage would have still ended in divorce.

It was almost easier saying that I got divorced because I’m gay, but it feels more honest saying that I’m no longer married because it just wasn’t right. And now the obstacle is letting myself allow feelings of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy because my life is happy. And it feels good to finally get that off my chest.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


It's almost 5:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. This week has been the worst so far. Getting a divorce sucks. There's nothing more I can say about it. I want to leave out as much information about my wife as possible so I'm not going to say too much. On Sunday I got an email from her that was more than I could handle. The separation of our life together is like tearing off my arm or my rib cage. It feels wrong and it feels so painful that I can't function.

I'm a lost person. I'm struggling to survive at this point. I was planning on traveling and I had a job lined up that was going to provide me with a little bit of stability, but it was postponed. Now I have nothing and it feels scary and empty. I've used up all my psychic energy trying to get through this all, and it's dried up. I have nothing left to survive off of.

And while I am in agony, bleeding and shaky; I am more than blessed at this moment. I have a friend who is giving me more than I could have asked for. When I forget to eat he feeds me. He is nursing me back to health and I'm so thankful. Without him I feel like I would litterally be on the streets. Thanks to him I am able to look ahead, past the pain and through the struggle and I feel like I will one day be ok and I will one day be able to stand.

Time heals all wounds I'm hoping .

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My heart hurts so bad that I can't breathe. I'm aching and pain is pounding through my body. I'm sad and I can't speak. I've never been in so much pain in my whole life. I don't care if I die. What have I done? Nothing can rectify this. I want to break everything I see. I want to take a hammer to my life and watch it shatter. I hate. I don't know me.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Internal Locus of Control

Life is like a mixed tape. And as each song in my life represents some memory or encounter, I'm starting to get to the end of side "A" and I'm gonna flip the tape over and start on side "B" to see what comes next. I'm headed back to UT in a week and I'm excited to see my family and friends. I was actually in San Diego last weekend and I stayed with one of my best friends in the whole world and his wife and two kids. The love and support they have for me is unparalleled and it's so much fun to hang with them and do absolutely nothing except be with them. I helped them out with the new business they've started, and I did some babysitting and we had some really good conversations. So I'm looking forward to seeing them again. Seeing my family is another story. I'm not excited to see them. I get nothing from them emotionally and it's so draining to put myself in a position where I feel judged and criticized but at the same time I'm not feeling like they are doing it out of love or concern. I know they love me, but it's just hard to feel it when I don't see it.

And then there's the recent opportunity that I've been given to leave school for now and take some time off. I'm going to be traveling for quite a long time which may limit my ability to blog. But I'm gonna try my best to post things that are going on with me.

As for me, the Church and my gay Mormon conondrum, I'm feeling pretty good. Who knew that not going to Church would make me feel so good? I'm enjoying the process of figuring things out without the presence of the Church. I'm talking more with God, I'm taking my problems and joys in His court and I'm just not concerning myself with what the Church's influence makes me feel like. But actually I did go to Church in San Diego. I went with my buddy and his wife. I forgot about that, but it wasn't really like Church because I went to hang out with them. The lessons were so weird. People in the Church are odd sometimes. There was a lot of talk about trials and going through hard things and I felt like what people were saying was that trials come from bad choices and trials help you grow but does that mean we should make bad choices? Whatever. It was fun to go to Church and not really care because it's not that deep.