Elbow: June 2008

Sunday, June 15, 2008

At This Juncture

I use to blog all the time. I was like a crazy person trying to rid my angst onto a computer screen with the intention of spilling all my emotions out into the cyber world so that I would not be haunted by the mix of gritty dark feelings. I loved this outlet and the ability to write and post and share and collaborate ideals. I was really connected and truly inspired by stories and friendships of other bloggers. And I felt at one with the identity of a 'gay mormon.' And here I am a year latter from a divorce that seems miles away, I am in a different country with odd surroundings and beautiful vistas. I'm entertained by my lightweight persona and feel so blissfully aware of the state I am in. And now without any of the angst and sharp pains of guilt and shame I am here...STILL BLOGGING ABOUT IT!

Interestingly enough I guess I still need to comment on how far I've come. I truly feel like a completely new person and at the same instant I know myself to be true to the ideals that I've been clinging to my whole life: the pursuit of love and the state of being. I'm aware that challenges are still part of my existence, but now I see so much further than the confines of what a religion has to say. I'm open to the universe and the expansive presence of a Heavenly Father without limits. I'm loved because I am. I am full and whole because I am. And that presence and awareness makes my heart sing and tingle and overflow with love.

And at this juncture I struggle with what to say as a voice in this community of saints who are looking for that peace, or who are just looking for a connection with others who are in the same experience as they are. I wonder how many of the gay mormon bloggers have come to this conclusion of "what do I do next? Now that I am happy, now that I am no longer torn by the ideals of oppression, and now that I see myself for what God sees?" I am still here wanting to share a journey. Not a journey of lust or of confusion, not a journey of uncertainty or carelessness, but of presence and awareness.

I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for the strength that I have to be where I am at. I am so blessed to have the life that I have and to know and welcome freedom from guilt and shame. I am, and I am and I am.

The world is so great and vast and wonderful. It is a blessing to be in it and to live.