Elbow

Hi, I'm Wyatt

2009-04-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

I use to care A LOT about anyone knowing my identity in association with this blog, but I don't have any reason to hide anymore. In fact, I owe it to myself and to those who are going through the same things that I was to be a voice an.

Here's my blog: 'Lead Singer Of a Rock Band' and you can check out my posts there. I'll be deleting this one at some point or maybe leaving it up for whomever stumbles on it. I haven't decided yet. It's crazy how much I've grown in the past couple of years. I feel so blessed and so happy with the decisions I've made and where I've found myself.

Life your life!

I am a gay Mormon who is sealed to my wife in the Temple. I served a mission and also graduated from BYU. My wife is the love of my life, and yet despite all of the love that I have for her, I desire intimate male companionship. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is good, but as much as I try to believe in the Chuch, I don't know if the Church has the right answers for me, or for other men who are like me; men who struggle dialy with the turmoil that comes from being a gay Latter-Day Saint.

Quite Possibly The Best Thing...

2008-09-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Being a dad is my most sought after roles. I look forward to it and ponder daily what it would mean and how it will feel. Recently with the self-outed Clay Aiken coming to the press and announcing his homosexuality, he sites his child as the one reason why he decided to make his sexuality public. He reports: “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things.” Wow. To me that speaks volumes about what it means to not just be a dad, but to be a human, and to strive for honesty in a way that not only effects your well being but the growth and progression of the children that enter our lives.

I can't wait to be a dad. I can't wait to share my life with a child that will teach me in ways that only children can. I want to to dad things and have dad outings, and of course I want to do all of this with a partner who loves and supports me.

When I was married to a woman I had the chance to have children. She wanted them and so did I but deep down inside I always felt that it was wrong to bring a baby into the relationship that me and my wife lived. We would have been amazing parents and we would have given the child an awesome home, but at the end of the day I knew that I would be lying to this child who would expect me to love and cherish his or her mother the way that straight men interact with their wives. And on some level as children always do and as people begin to notice that I was living a lie and that I was in the process teaching my son or daughter to lie. How much better off will I be and will my children be growing up in a home with complete honesty and authenticity. What power and integrity will the child feel to know that his or her dad is living and honest path.

One Of The Best Things About Being Gay...

2008-09-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

Just a kiss. A simple sweet and intimate kiss. Need I say more?

Honestly...

2008-09-16T09:47:00.001-07:00

To my bewilderment I see that people still check my blog here which pleases me because I love those of you who commented. You are a huge part of my journey and I appreciate the desire to know about my life and to continue to play a part in my journey.

Scot said...
"I think I know that exhaustion you describe ;-).
I'm curious. I came out when I thought there were no other gay people around, let alone people advocating for gay rights. With your history here and as a man who had all sides debating in comments on your blog and who, I'm sure, once posted something about enduring in the LDS faith that frustrated me :-), how do you regard that past? Do you think you'd have just ended up where you are regardless of our peanut gallery of blogs and comments, maybe even sooner?"

Very good questions and yeah I was at some points of my dialogue about the Church and about my marriage really set on making it work and for all intents and purposes I tried my hardest to reason myself out of...reason. And I'm sure at some point I would have reached this place where I find myself now because this is what I really wanted and this is what I worked for. I ultimately didn't want to live my life in a compromise and I didn't want to 'settle' for something. I truly wanted to experience happiness on every level and venue and my life at that time wasn't allowing me to do that. I find now that I am completely separated from the Church that it is crazy to me how much I felt like I had to conform to the societal pressures of my friends and family and now that I've let it all go I feel just as loved and maybe even more loved because they now me now for who I really am and they love me despite the fact that I've decided to leave the Church and pursue a gay lifestyle (whatever that means). So, Scot: I don't know if I answered your question to the extent that you would have liked but the point I want to make is that in retrospect I feel frustrated at myself for where I was at but that was part of the process and I'm just grateful that I've been able to let go and move on and continue on the path of bliss that I find myself taking part of.

"Pancakes said...
I like how you have put some of my thoughts into words. I am still a member and once felt for the longest time, I was enduring the Church, but thankfully no longer am. I agree with you that it shouldn't be that way and one needs to find peace instead of constant endurance."

Thank you so much. And that's been the point that I have tried to live my life by in someways, is that there is no end... isn't that interesting that the Church teaches that doctrinally there is no end and we limited by our mortal view of limited knowledge of time and that in God's eyes and in the scheme of the eternities and as the Kolob him suggest: "there is no end..." so why do they preach "endure to the end" so ferociously? The end doesn't exist people, only the now. Live in the now because the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist. If you are not happy and you are merely 'trying' then all you'll get is the try and not the embodiment of what you are searching for. Live it now. Be happy now. Live your life now, because it's all we have. If you wait around for there to be peace then all you'll get is no end to waiting (sung in the "Hie To Kolob" tune).

"Beck said...
"...leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that." I DO!
I want you to blog more. I need to understand your "desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living". I need to understand your "authenticity" and the journey to obtaining it. I need to experience through you your discovery of "truth" out of the context of the church. I need to see your "fight" and learn from it.
Why would anyone not find interest and not "want to hear about" such things?
Your post is bemoaning the past. So be it. Let it go. That part I don't need to hear about. Help me to know the present and the future of "Elbow"."

BECK!!!! I love you dearly, man. Thank you for your interest and for sharing your journey. I guess in a way your comment has given me more of a desire to write about my life in the now and live up to what I preach. Why dwell on the past and refer to a live that is done with. There is the now to focus on and now my life is me trying to do the best with what I have as an openly gay man who has found peace outside the LDS Church and who is learning to fly with new wings and new feathers and in that respect I have so much to say and so much to add. And yet I'll warn you, being gay and open and dating guys and all that comes with it is still just life and it's really not much different except for the fact that the angst is gone. And there's only so many times I can mention the lack of angst in reference to what my life is now. But I do have so much that I think will and can be of interest.

SO on that note I'll mention that the best and most rewarding thing about my present life is the freedom I feel to be me and to feel so much love for myself. I can't express how much I love myself, and if that sounds weird then what follows might sound weirder: I'm so blessed by my life at the present that I feel sorry for people who aren't gay and who aren't able to live openly gay lifestyles. Gay culture, gay people, gay things are pretty much the same as straight things and everyday people, the only difference is that gay people have all come to an obstacle and faced the challenge of society and self-loathing and uncertainty and as a result are collectively fierce group of fighters. Granted there are the bitchy queens and the negative 'girls' but the commodore is undeniably beautiful and I'm surprised at how much I value that part of being paralleled with that collective consciousness.

And as someone who loves himself and who is so proud of his own journey, it feels really amazing to be in my skin and to be who I am and how I am and where I am in my life. So many blessings have come from my choice to live in this state of blatant old fashioned honesty.

To Fight For

2008-09-14T03:52:00.000-07:00

It's hard finding motivation to write here where as before I had a lot of angst to let out. And the joy I currently feel from the abandoning of my faith in the Mormon Church and the escape of a lifestyle that wasn't authentically mine, leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that. They like feeling tortured and clingy and as a way to justify pain and sorrow the fall back is always the Church.
As I look at the LDS faith I see a past that had so many happy moments and the culture in which it was fostered is more of a lifestyle than a religion. As I see it, God is good (if there is a God) and if God is good then why would he discriminate against a man and a man loving each other and wanting a family? Why would two women in love be any different than one man and many wives falling in love with each other? And as the Church is suppose to be consistent with God's plan, why is there so much change? Especially when it appears that God changes so much to fit the current political and technological advancements. Which is cool, but it still doesn't explain why there is only one Church. If God changes so much then shouldn't he be allowed to change Churches like the Church seems to change policies.
Why are people born into the Church and feel that it's the right and only and truest Church when they haven't experienced other religions or lifestyles? Why does the Church feel like it has to outlaw the love that I feel when it was challenged in times past about the way that their family structure functions? Surely if anyone understands what it's like to be discriminated against for unconventional marriage practices it should be the Church?
And what's up with all these gay Mormon bloggers who feel that they have to fight for gay marriage but not to it in the confines of their religion. Technically shouldn't they be handing in their temple recommends for not having the same views as the Prophets on the matter of gay marriage. And if anything should be done about the way that people within the faith see other people outside of the faith shouldn't I be more inclined to prove that I'm a good person regardless of my status in the Church? Should I not be the one to show people that a gay man is as equally loved and full of joy as a man within the Church?
I don't get it. I don't understand it and finally I am free to live my life the way that I love and the way that makes me happy and complete and full of growth and beauty.
I struggle with keeping this blog open cause I'm not sure what purpose it serves. I'm hiding my identity for what? I'm blogging about how happy I am in the context of a religion that I don't even practice anymore and I'm slow to feel empathy for the situation of gay mormon bloggers who I don't feel close to because I don't like listening to the back and forth stories of feeling like the only thing left to do in life is endure to the end. What are you enduring? You're enduring the Church. Do you realize that? You're enduring the very thing that you're suppose be living for. But you can't wait for it to all be settled in the next life and in the meantime your life, your present life is passing you by and you are not living in the moment.
Live in the moment. Fight for the moment. Don't endure the Church, don't endure anything. Just live and follow the authentic and truthful calling of your life and your sexuality and your way of giving and receiving love and your way of being yourself and true and good and present.
Maybe this is why I don't blog that much anymore... it's exhausting trying to fight fear.

Email Exchange With Mom

2008-07-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

My mom and I write through email about everyday or every other day depending on what's going on in our lives. We keep in good contact but we haven't been discussing what is just under the surface. I've really tried to be honest with her but there are times when she makes it difficult for me to say what I need to say. She's amazing, and she's also very stubborn...much like myself (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). And at the same time she is also very much a practical and by the book kind of woman which for me is such the opposite of the way I live. I tend to be more creative and open minded. Most of the time when we are together we get along but there are times when we just don't click and don't understand each other. Anyway, here's the email she sent me and below it is my response:

Elbow
I want to tell you how much I love you and how important you are to our family.
I also want to tell you how much I love the gospel and how lost I would be
without it in my life.

I know that our Heavenly Father lives and Jesus Christ is truly our loving Savior.
Knowing of his sacrifice as he died on the cross being pursecuted and yet was so
willing to ask our Heavenly Father to forgive them, what a great example.
His sacrifice made the atonement possible for all of us..

I know the gospel is true.
It gives me peace and a purpose in life.
I also believe that living the commandments is the only way to true happiness.
Although the outside world would like us to believe otherwise and has a very distorted views.
I know that the gospel binds us together as families.
My greatest joy in this life would be for our family to all be striving to keep the commandment
so we can be an eternal family.

Maybe today you might not feel you need the gospel,
but on the other hand it might be just what you need to give you the inspiration
as you are being faced with very difficult challenges in your life right now.

Please remember that there has never been a time on earth where there has been so much wickedness and so much confusion and we need to recognize that is exactly what Satan wants.
Right now is the time that Satan is working so hard to destroy families and the basic family unit which our Heavenly Father has given to us to help us stay close to him.

Please know that I love you (unconditionally) more than I can express in words or on paper.
Please take every opportunity to read the Book Of Mormon ,
especially your favorite missionary scripture printed on you plaque,
which is 2 Nephi 31: 20-21.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father, Ye shall have eternal life. And now behold, this is the way; and there is none other way, nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the Kingdom of God. This is the doctrine of Christ and the only true doctrine."

I truely believe that Joseph Smith was inspired to translate the gold plates to give us another book to go hand in hand with the Bible so we might have the guidance that we need in our lives today.

I Love You
Mom

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Mom,

I really appreciate your thoughts. It's probably the most you're ever written to me in an email.

The most important thing for me, truly, is love. It means so much to me to know that you love me unconditionally. I want desperately to be close to you and to dad and to know that you are proud of me and that you respect and understand my decisions. While that is not the easiest thing for you to do right now because of my choices I do want you to know that in return I offer you an abundant amount of compassion for what you are going through as parents. I'm so lucky to have you as my mother and while I don't easily understand you part of the time, and you of course don't understand some of my most recent choices I know that we can set that aside and focus on what is most important: unconditional love and trust for one another.

I want to tell you something that I haven't felt the need to communicate up until now. While in the past I have struggled to make the gospel work for myself and to find the alleged joy that comes along with it, I was living in a state of depression that made me both frustrated and anxious. The Church wasn't making me happy, mom. Even my last couple of years at BYU as I was living the gospel were treacherous and damaging to my soul. And while I am a naturally positive and happy person, I wanted desperately to feel something organically 'joyful' about the gospel.

Being married to Wife's Name was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was both enriching and painful at the same time. I don't regret it all the time, but there are times that I wish she and I never had to go through that. Wife's Name and I both believed a lie in that we were told that we would be happy if we lived that gospel and in living the gospel our marriage became a dark place where neither of us were progressing the way that our souls naturally wanted to progress.

I'm not saying that the Church isn't true. I'm so happy that you have found joy in the gospel and in your testimony of temples and of Jesus Christ. I too feel that my life has been blessed from the beautiful teachings of the Savior and what he taught but at the same time, mom, Jesus is separate from the Church. Living in a Church that tells people who they can and can't marry, isn't a Church that I want to belong to. And now at a time in my life where I've lost essentially everything, I've found more than I've ever wanted. I feel happier than I ever have. I feel more free, more blessed and more compassion in everything I do. And I know that it comes from being honest and from choosing to stand up for what I believe.

I don't know if the Church is true, I don't know if it is false, all I know is is that it doesn't matter. If living the teachings of the Church is suppose to make you happy then there's an inherent flaw within that paradigm. Therefore I've chosen to use my Heavenly Father and my personal relationship with Him apart from the Church as a way to seek out the best way for me to be whole and blissful.

Thank you for reminding me of my favorite missionary scripture. I remember when I picked that scripture it was one of the moments when I actually felt something from the Book of Mormon. I've always felt that there was so much war, so much focusing on death and destruction and genocide that the Book of Mormon lacked the ability to make me feel inspired to be at one with God, but remembering what 2 Nephi 31: 20-21 says, I feel at peace knowing that I still do continue to live the principles that Christ taught, "having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God." And yet I've learned something new as well, that while the essence of Christ and what He taught is the only way that a man can reach 'salvation,' I believe that the Mormon Church is that path for some people and for others it is Buddhism, and others it is Taoism or some other form of spirituality.

I of course don't have all the answers for myself but sometimes lately I've felt blessed and so grateful for what I have and for how I am currently living my life. I no longer feel depressed, I no longer feel weighed down or lost. I am at peace and I am experiencing so much abundance from God. Basically I love my life and I want you to know that.

Maybe I've said too much, but I want to be honest with you about where I am at. I love you dearly, mom. You mean the world to me. I'd do anything for you and I'm so grateful for you in my life.

Elbow

Ever After Happily

2008-07-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

At This Juncture

2008-06-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

I use to blog all the time. I was like a crazy person trying to rid my angst onto a computer screen with the intention of spilling all my emotions out into the cyber world so that I would not be haunted by the mix of gritty dark feelings. I loved this outlet and the ability to write and post and share and collaborate ideals. I was really connected and truly inspired by stories and friendships of other bloggers. And I felt at one with the identity of a 'gay mormon.' And here I am a year latter from a divorce that seems miles away, I am in a different country with odd surroundings and beautiful vistas. I'm entertained by my lightweight persona and feel so blissfully aware of the state I am in. And now without any of the angst and sharp pains of guilt and shame I am here...STILL BLOGGING ABOUT IT!

Interestingly enough I guess I still need to comment on how far I've come. I truly feel like a completely new person and at the same instant I know myself to be true to the ideals that I've been clinging to my whole life: the pursuit of love and the state of being. I'm aware that challenges are still part of my existence, but now I see so much further than the confines of what a religion has to say. I'm open to the universe and the expansive presence of a Heavenly Father without limits. I'm loved because I am. I am full and whole because I am. And that presence and awareness makes my heart sing and tingle and overflow with love.

And at this juncture I struggle with what to say as a voice in this community of saints who are looking for that peace, or who are just looking for a connection with others who are in the same experience as they are. I wonder how many of the gay mormon bloggers have come to this conclusion of "what do I do next? Now that I am happy, now that I am no longer torn by the ideals of oppression, and now that I see myself for what God sees?" I am still here wanting to share a journey. Not a journey of lust or of confusion, not a journey of uncertainty or carelessness, but of presence and awareness.

I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for the strength that I have to be where I am at. I am so blessed to have the life that I have and to know and welcome freedom from guilt and shame. I am, and I am and I am.

The world is so great and vast and wonderful. It is a blessing to be in it and to live.

Love And Its Fullness

2008-05-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

In regards to Forester's question about how I've come to the decision of leaving the church, I ponder it's very introspective and difficult answer. I feel that I haven't left the church but that the Church left me. I grew up feeling safe and comforted by the walls of the Church and the people and the beauty I felt in regards to the connection it provided me between my Heavenly Father and myself. But slowly I've started to realize that the Church wasn't the same shape that it use to be. I do miss that feeling. I miss the comfort and I miss the trust in uncertainty that I was given as a member of the church. But if that trust no longer exists, and if I feel marginalized and if the church is spending millions of dollars in the combat of marriage between two consenting adults who love each other then I feel it is in my best interest to my soul to recognize that I can't grow and progress in that environment.

I don't want to complain. I don't want to be biter. I just want to feel love. And I simply don't feel love from the church because it seems that their "love is conditional of the celebacy of someone who desires close intimate relationships with someone of thier same gender. Instead what I feel from the church is judgement and close mindedness.

God is love and if two people love each other then it's in no one's interest to fight the union of two people who simply want to share their lives and raise children. God is not against this...the Church is. And if the church claims that God has given the go ahead to allow church leaders to advocate for a gay man to marry a straight woman and for a gay man to be celibate and live a life with out a partner and without a companion and without progress within the beauty of a relationship then I can't participate in that organization because it speaks contrary to what the meaning of love and trust is to me.

I feel love and I feel compassion but I don't feel it from the church. I feel it from God and I feel it from the Universe and all the love and trust that it holds.

If Joseph Smith is a Prophet (which I don't know if he was or if he wasn't) then he did what he had to do to give his life in the service of God, but that still doesn't mean that the church is the only way to life a full an happy journey through eternity. If the Book of Mormon is true then what does it have to do with the church telling people that being gay is a sin...there's nothing in the book of Mormon about gay marriage being a sin so for now the Book of Mormon is, I guess, not a very good tool for the church to use in regards to proving its veracity. And like I said I don't know...maybe the book of Mormon is as the church says it is, but I haven't felt that and I know it's a good book, but I only really felt good when it spoke of Christ and the other stuff doesn't really touch me or inspire me. And isn't more than half of the book of mormon about war and death and destruction...and don't tell me that it's a result of homosexuality...it's a result of pride which there's a lot of prideful people in and out of the church...

The bottom line is that if the Church were truly the one true Church of God then there would be less talk of judgement and more talk of love. God is love so why is love only "love" when it fits into the box of heterosexuality?

Wow, I'm just writing a lot and not even really thinking about it. So maybe I'll just post this and hope that it's received well. I don't want anyone to get offended I just want to explain my journey out of the Church and my journey into love and trust.

To be continued...

Headed Home

2008-05-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be back in UT next week and after not only just being away, but being out of the counrty...i've felt a little anxious about spending so much time with my mom and having to work out all the unspoken issues between us about my journey as an out gay man. I do respect where my mom is at and I don't feel frustrated with her. If anything I recognize that my disengagement with the Church is not an easy for her to grasp or even accept. The thing I am grateful for is that she loves me and she expresses that. Hopefully when there is a man in my life she will be able to embrace my choice for love. I've set that intention and trust that the universe will grant me that.

So as my little brother prepares to serve a mission and enter the MTC, my mom has her other son who has left the Church and who is gay. The dicotomy is quite beautiful if you ask me. The path that both my brother and myself are on is special and unique to each of us and I embrace his choice to serve a mission and love that he is going to have so many amazing chances for growth in these next two years. And likewise he trusts me and knows that I am living my life the way that I need to in order for me to be truly happy. He supports me and is proud of my decisions to do what I need to do to live my life.

I love my little brother so much and his love and generous devotion towards me is truly inspiring. I am going to miss him more than I've ever missed anyone. This stay in UT will be wonderful, scary and heartbreaking. Saying goodbye to one of the most precious human beings I have in my life will tear me apart, but getting to spend time with him before he leaves will in turn give me much to be grateful for. And as I battle the disaproval of my mother during all of this I have to remember that I have a committment to myself; to live my life with the most pure and honest of intentions and actions. I have to be happy and I have to experience and live the way that I feel is most genuine and important to my progress. Someday she will understand that.

MorMenLikeMe

2008-04-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

Brilliant interviews. Everyone needs to sit and listen. I'm not posting all of them but just being able to connect with what these men are saying in such an honest and heartfelt way really made me feel willing to share my story and to blog again. I've been a little out of the blog loop because I've chosen to focus on other things right now. I've been in a place of intense self reflection and for me being here in this blog word doesn't always meet my needs for dialogue. I feel really fortunate enough to be living in a world where I'm not talking about life or questioning life or theorizing about it, but that I'm actually doing it and living saturated in a world that is teaching me the lessons that I can embrace and be saturated in.

But there's much I want to write about. I will be making more of an effort to process what is going on in my life.

I'm Grateful For...

2008-04-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

joy and pace
sunshine
true friendship
fresh full rewarding air
security
blissful states of contemplation
loyalty
hugs
adventure
leafy green foods
mist and fog
truth
lots of money
warm hearts
creativity
kissing
self discovery
answers
connection with Heavenly Father
feeling loved
giving
clarity

Chasing Pavement

2008-03-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

This week has been a little frustrating. Asside from the balancing act of social and personal time, I'm dealing with a cold right now and a situation that has made me contemplate the romantic side of frienships. I have a friend here who is engaged to be married to a great girl. They've been best friends for a long time and have been engaged for about two years now. He's not a member of the Church and either is she, but he's a Christian and fairly religous. He and I have become close recently and it's been fun hanging out with someone that isn't gay, but who is gay friendly and who also appreciates the same stuff that I do. Well in this past month I've noticed him going through a lot emotionally and I've been there for him if he's needed to talk.

Last week he seemed down and I offered to listen and told him I was there for him if he needed anything. So we chatted and just as if I was in a car accident I was blind sitted and he told me that he was gay and having doubts about his engagement. Of course I have a lot of transerence to bring to the table and my own experiences of being married and knowing how he feels as a gay man trying to live in a straigh society. So I talk with him about it and let him say what he needs to say and I feel as though I'm able to provide him with an unbiased oppinion of what he should do. I told him that he of course needs to be honest and that he needs to share his feelings with his fiance, but I was open minded in letting him know that it may be hard but he can also make it work and he can succeed as a great husband and father if that's what he chooses for himself.

The conversation became very cryptic and vague and in the middle of him comming out to me and telling me that he is having doubts about his marriage he starts to tell me that he has feelings for me and that his desire for me is what is causing him to question his relationship with his fiance and that he is confident in saying that he is gay. I'm overwhelmed at this point because my once straight friend is now not only gay, but he is comming on to me and expressing that he wants to be with me romantically and yet he is engaged to be married to a woman.

I give him a hug and tell him that he needs to talk to his fiance and I of course don't know what to really think because it's hard for me to feel unbiased at this point about what he should do. In that moment I perhaps should have told him that I didn't feel the same way as he did toward me and that I should have mentioned to him that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. But I was concerned with what he was going to tell his fiance and I most definately didn't want to deal with the conversation of me having to tell him that I didn't like him back in that way. I like him as a friend and one of the reasons I liked him so much was because he was straight and he wasn't going to fall in love with me.

So I wake up the next morning and I have a text message from him telling me that the marriage is off. I call him immediately and ask him what happened. He tells me that she sensed something was going on and feeling uneasy about getting married to him she called off the engagement. He of course now is dealing with the fact that he has to tell his friends and family that he's not engaged and I'm concerned about his mental state at this point and I forget that he has a crush on me so I'm talking him through it and I start to realize that he's not in the slightest bit consumed by thoughts of his ended engagement to his girlfriend, but that he's concerned with what might or might not be going on bettween he and myself.

I again should have told him then and there that I wasn't feeling the same way and that I wasn't interested. But I didn't want to hurt him more than he was already going thorugh it as a result of him loosing his fiance and possibly comming out of the closet. But I just tried to focus and get him to focus on processing his feelings about what was going on with his ex-fiance.

And now I find myself avoiding him altogether. I don't want to have to tell him that I don't like him back. I hate having to hurt someone, but I don't want him to be led on and think that I like him back. And possibly there was a thought in my mind when I thought he was straight that I could have a crush on him, but now that my crush is a reality it's hard to put it into perspective and realizing now that he is going through a very rough time and coming out of the closet and braking off an engagement, I know he is in no place for a relationship and I would most definately like to be his friend but his romantic feelings toward me are making it hard for me to be his friend.

I see the way he looks at me and it's not the way a friend looks at another friend. He is acting nervous and shy around me as a result of his crush and he is just waiting for me to make the next move so that he can be in a relationship with me. I obviously have to have a talk with him where I tell him that I don't feel the same way, but being as though I feel like right now I'm the closest friend he has here. I don't want to alienate myself from him and have him be all alone as a result.

And then there are times when I think back to when I thought it would be cool if he were gay cause I was a little interested, and I guess I could see something developing in me in regards to romantic feelings towards him, but being as though he is going through a lot right now, it's just not the best timming for a relationship and as I look at my life I once again feel that now is not the best time for me to be in a relationship. And I need to be true to myself in that area.

I'm sure when I talk to him he'll understand, but I'm just frustrated. I want friends who don't fall in love with me. I want to be chill and have fun without there being sexual tention involved.

Don't Hurt Yourself

2008-03-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

So more than anything I've been trying to find balance and I've been searching for the most optimal way to heal.

After the divorce, being single came really easy to me. It wasn't a hard adjustment to make, and yet there are times when I really feel the pull to be in a relationship even though it just isn't the most optimal of times for me to do that. I feel as though there's a lot of time that needs to pass and a lot of learning and healing to take place before I am able to merge my life with someone. And so I enter the world of dating, not with the purpose of finding someone to be in a relationship with, but to have fun and experience a wide range of freedom and enjoyment.

The dangers of this are pretty straight forward. I date, I kiss, I flirt and have fun and people start to feel more than I'm willing to let myself. I constantly find myself trying to tell the guys I'm dating that I'm not ready for a relationship, but that I'm fine with dating without being exclusive. Almost always someone gets hurt.

I'm in a situation right now that is one of the most frustrating and yet flattering experiences I've had with dating. The drama builds and I'm left with the worry that I'm not going to be "the cute nice guy" anymore, but the "the player."

Kissing turns into feelings and cuddling turns into feelings and spending time with people turns into feelings and yet I'm not the one feeling the same feelings as my counterparts.

Last week I met two guys that I thought would be ideal for me to be friends with. Both were best friends and I went out dancing with guy 1 and nothing happend between us, we danced very appropriately and had a lot of fun and later I hear that he likes me. So I try to keep my distance without having the awkward conversation of telling him that I'm not interested. Then he and his best friend and I go out dancing and I end up getting too close to the friend and we end up kissing. Granted, I know this is my fault and that I shouldn't have gone there with the best friend, but part of me wanted to show that I'm open in who I spend my time with and that I'm only looking to have fun. So there after guy 2 develops feelings for me and the fight between friends insues and I'm the one who is looked at as the source of contention. So not only is that frienship out of the quesiton, guy 2 is pursuing me and while I want to kiss him and have fun with him, I now have to keep my distance because he says that he likes me "a lot."

I just want to have fun. I thought that the gay world was more permiscuous than this. I mean I'm not complaining, but everyone wants to jump into a relationship. What ever happened to playing the field and taking your time?

More than anything it's a lot of pressure. I hate feeling like I need to have the conversation with someone that I don't like them and I also don't like avoiding them either. I don't like hurting people, and at the same time I just want to live my life. Sometimes I feel like living my life also translates into people getting their feelings hurt and I don't like being the source of that pain.

Found

2008-01-21T02:30:00.000-08:00

I've felt so emotional lately. A couple of days ago I watched an old man on cnn claim that "it's our god given right to vote" and I burst into tears because of the passion he displayed. And today as I listened to a co-worker speak of a rocky relationship with his father I realized that there is a sensitive side of me that was once hidden from view. I went an entire period of years where I didn't know how to cry. I didn't feel the release of emotion and I didn't allow myself to let go. I walked through the grocery store today crying. Feeling blessed, feeling helpless, feeling sad, feeling happy, feeling grateful and feeling alive.

I feel like I've finally uncovered the tool that I was looking for. I'm not pretending anymore. I'm raw and unfiltered and I'm good and kind. I have a heart and I display it without question. Perhaps it's just the place I've found myself for now, or maybe I didn't need to be in touch with this resource of release.

Whatever the case, I'm happy now that I've found a side of me that speaks and shouts and cheers when the occasion permits. And I'm also angry for feeling like I had to repress the depth of my nature and the urgency of my soul.

No one should ever feel like they can't be authentic. No one should ever give into the pressures of being one thing or saying another. You are you and while others will judge that, the life that you inherit has to be your own.

More often than not we are presented with choices. The choice to feel can't be over looked, regardless of its consequences.

Love If You Can And Be Loved

2008-01-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

I just watched the youtube video God Loveth His Children Pt2: LDS Pamphlet on Homosexuality
in which Clark Pingree (a devout, active and gay member of the LDS church) talks about his struggle in the Chuch as someone who deals with same-sex attraction. I just love when people spend being an advocate for what they believe in, especially when they are seeking to elevate the consciousness of those that are still uncertain as how to approach the subject of love. It's about love. It's that simple. Homosexuality isn't about having an orgasm or participating in something sinful. Being gay and falling in love with someone of your same gender has everything to do with love.

I love these lyrics from Light In The Piazza

"...Can you find in the world
In the wide, wide world
That someone sees
That someone loves you

Love
Love
Love if you can now...
Love if you can
And be loved..."

My heart is so full right now. I'm grateful and humbled by life. I have so much and I want to give so much. My Heavenly Father is great and wonderful and beautiful. He is real and He wants me to be happy. He's placed me on this earth to find joy, not to loose it. He has provided me with amazing amounts of peace and comfort. I look back at my life a year ago and I look at what struggle I was faced with. I had pain and discomfort. I was lost and I felt swollen with pain. But now there is so much I am able to see and cherish and it has nothing to do with sex or lust or carnal pleasure. My life is honest, my life is authentic, my life is full and open to love.

I'm grateful that when I'm ready I will look for love with an open heart and find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and start a family with and have kids with. I feel whole and complete and I'm living my life with gratitude.

Churching It Up

2007-12-13T02:45:00.000-08:00

I went to Church for the first time in a LONG time on Sunday. I think it's really interesting cause people can say that they know that this is the one true Church and in my heart I wanted to share my testimony that I knew that the Mormon Church isn't the only true Church but that's a little inappropriate and of course I wouldn't do that but at the same time it was cool cause I'm in a crazy location right now so the people are more than interesting.

I want to be an advocate within the Church. And advocate of change, but I don't know if I'm strong enough in the conviction that there is change worth fighting for in the confines of the organization of the Church.

The gospel is so sweet and the teaching of my Savior are more than enough, but at the same time. Being connected to a body of saints and a spiritual community is something that I'd like to be apart of.

Conversations With Mom

2007-12-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

I know that my mom is going through a hard time with me being gay and I'm trying to be sensitive and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can through all of this. It's been hard for me to forget about myself in all of this and focus on what she needs from me. It's been frustrating because I feel as though she's sad around me and that she is trying to be supportive, but all I feel from here is judgment and dissapointment.

I was with her this weekend, and we were driving to Salt Lake and she was droping me off and when I got out of the car she saw I wasn't wearing garments and she asked me if I was wearing garments and I just said "yes" cause I didn't want to have the conversation, but she asked again cause she saw that I wasn't wearing garments and she asked why and I said "it's a long story" and she said: "that's sad" and she walked away and got in the car and drove away and didn't look back. It made me feel really bad. I don't regret not wearing garments, but I do regret the way I handled the situation. I should have said upfront "mom I'm not wearing garments and it's my choice and I'm happier about this decision and there's nothing to worry about." I'm a little upset that she said "that's sad" and the just drove away. I cried a little bit and just couldn't really peice together what I was feeling. I felt so alone and hurt because I just don't feel love from her. This is what she wrote back:

"Elbow,
...You mentioned that I am sad around you and you need to to realize that I am going through a sort of grieving process. I am grieving for the life I had hoped and dreamed for you. So it does bring me a lot of sadness. It does not mean that I do not love you.

You have to know that as your mother my first concern is for your eternal progression so we can be an eternal family. That will never change!! So this is harder for me to deal with than for others.

...in July you told me that you have a strong testimony and you were planning on keeping the commandments and trying to be happy with what you were dealt with. That gave me some peace knowing we could still be together as a family. I still hope for that for our family.

It deeply saddens me that you have chosen to break the covenents you have made. You have served a mission and you have worked in the Temple. You know the sacredness if those covenents and how important they are. I pray that you will be able to go to the temple again and fill of the peace there. I hope for that for our family...
Love
Mom"

This is what I wrote her back:
"Mom,
About what you wrote me; what I want you to know mom is that I do understand that this is hard for you. It's hard that I'm gay and it's hard that I'm struggling with how to live my life. I lament the fact that you have to worry about me and that you are disappointed with the way my life as turned out.

I am trying to be sensitive to that fact and I'm sorry if there are things that I do that make this situation harder for you than it already is.

I want you to know that I love the gospel and I love the things that the Church has taught me, but for me, the Church isn't the culmination of living the gospel. The Church is a good place to learn about the gospel, but it's not everything. I'm in a different place than you are and a lot of the members of the Church are at. I've served a mission, I've been close to the Lord and yet those the Church doesn't make me happy or define my happiness. What the gospel is to me is living a life that is honest and true loving my fellow man and honoring my Heavenly Father with my actions. And those are the parts of the gospel that I want to emulate and seek after in my life. And those are the things that bring me happiness.

As far as I feel and as far as I'm concerned, I feel worthy to go to the temple and to worship my Heavenly Father just as much as I always have. And perhaps feel more prepared to do so because I'm taking extra measures to be more honest and to recognize my relationship with the Savior without the context of the Church but on a more personal and individual level.

I don't wear my garments because I don't think that my garments are the way for me to be close to God or to "obey commandments." The temple is a great place, but it's not the only spiritual place in the world to find God and while I do believe that the Church is good, it's hard for me to trust what they have to say since the Church told me to get married and Church says that I should not seek out male relationships in my life.

I've learned from the gospel that I should ask God and that I should listen to the spirit and the spirit tells me that I should be honest and that "it is not good for man to be alone." I don't know what my life holds or what may come, but I plan on being true to myself and living in the happiest and most high vibrational way possible.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with loving someone of your own gender. I just don't get why that's wrong. And the spirit tells me it's not wrong. And that's what makes me concerned with what the Church is telling people. My Heavenly Father loves me regardless of who I choose to love and while I'm not in love with anyone at the moment, I feel that I will one day want to be with someone who I can share my life with.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I want to be honest with you because I love you and I want you to know what I'm going through because I don't want to shy away from this conversation and as a result distance myself from our relationship. You mean so much to me, mommy and I love you like crazy! I respect you and honor you and feel so lucky to have you as my mom!

Thank you for being strong in your convictions and for being courageous to live in a way that you feel is right. I hope you can feel the same way about me in that I know I'm living in a way that I believe is right for me and I don't want to compromise myself and loose an ounce of happiness because I'm afraid of what others think of me.

Please write me all the time non-stop and know that I love you always!"

I don't know if this is the best thing to write right now, but it's how I feel and I want to share my life with my mom because she's so important to me. We'll see what she writes back...

Intimate and Connected

2007-11-26T16:31:00.000-08:00

Human connections, relationships and emotional longing that ties us to another person is one of the most intense experiences of life. To be a friend to be a father, a cousin, a grandchild and a son are some of the most important roles that I have played and hope to someday play. And as I type the word “play” I’m hit with the idea that I don’t just fulfill role and it’s duties but that the embodiment of actually “being” that which our role alludes. I want to embody the true essence of what it means to be a son and what it means to be a brother just as I want the rest of my family to take the roles that they have been allotted.

The intense experience of being connected with someone intimately and romantically is a gift and can be an intensely spiritual experience. Why is celibacy an option for anyone? Why is there a need to make the parameters that someone’s life void of human contact and intimate romantic connections? Why do we fear that need to merge our lives with someone we are compatible with? How is it possible that we reach our full level of progress on the earth without the companionship of another human being that is committed to every aspect of our journey?

I know that it is not good for man to be alone. I also know that relationships are hard and complicated, but the joy of having someone touch your hand and run his fingers through your hair and to just reach over and grab a guys butt is an amazingly rich experience.

I have a lot of intentions to set for myself right now. I’ve just ended a marriage of three years and it will be awhile before I am committed to giving my heart away to someone, but I have every intention of fulfilling my gifts and experiences on the earth. I want human connection. I want to passionately hug someone I am in love with. I want to go to bed next to a man that is good and kind and beautiful. I want to have kids and raise them with someone that will grow old with me and give me fire for life and intensity for growth.

I know that there is power in human connection. The Church knows that there is power in human connection. And the Lord knows that the gift of emotional intimacy and romantic relationships is to be enjoyed on this earth and in this life for all of us because happiness in this life means happiness in the next. If you are miserable here and think that all you have to do is hold out for when you die then you’ve wasted your probationary state and you spend a lifetime trying to hold out just to realize that happiness was for the taking all around you.

A friend of mine just entered in a relationship with a guy who he has been getting to know for quite some time. He was embarrassed to tell me that they were boy friends. I was so happy an overjoyed that I couldn’t listed to all the excuses he wanted to give me. He said he was happier than he had ever been in his life but that he was waiting for the bad thing to happened when everything comes crashing down. And the beauty of it all is that he isn’t going to have to wait for something bad because he has decided to be happy and to enjoy someone’s company that he is in love with.

He went to talk to his bishop about it and his Bishop said that as long as not a lot of people knew about it and that the stake president didn’t find out that he would allow him to stay in his calling and that he wouldn’t try and punish him because the Bishop felt it important that my friend continue to go to church every Sunday, regardless of who he was in love with. And when my friend started to leave the Bishop’s office the Bishop asked if he was thinking about marriage and my friend looked puzzled and asked why and the Bishop replied that that is what dating is for, for marriage and that it isn’t good for man to be alone, so if he’s going to date a guy and he’s in love with him he should think about marrying him.

I think that’s a little hard to believe, but I know my friend is telling the truth considering he went into tell the Bishop hoping that the Bishop would call him to repentance so that he could continue his self inflicting guilt ridden spiral of shame. But no such luck. The Lord gave my buddy the opportunity to claim the intention that he had originally set, to be happy and to be loved and to be fulfilled.

I truly believe that it’s that easy.

The Religious Closet

2007-11-19T04:50:00.000-08:00

My mom called me the other day wanting to know what I was doing and how I was living my life. She said that my little brother who is now 19 years old and planning on turning in his mission papers next month (who doesn’t know I’m gay but just knows because of the way that my mom has been acting in conjunction with my divorce) has been asking questions to my other siblings if I’m gay. My mom is concerned about this because she doesn’t want anyone to know, and she’s trying to make sure that it is kept a secret. She thinks that I should be more careful with whom I hang out with. She mentioned that he and my brother-in-law were looking at some girls butt and he asked “Do you think Elbow likes girls butts or guys?” And of course my mother heard that and was mortified and when she told me over the phone I couldn’t help but laugh really hard. I thought it was funny. And if you knew my little brother you would be able to picture him saying it and the tone he were to use. He's just a funny and charming kid.

My mom couldn’t even believe that I was laughing and told me that it was a very sensitive subject. I keep forgetting that she’s only known about this since I was 23 and that I guess she needs more time to process the fact that I’m gay. She told me that when I tell my little brother that I should make it clear to him that I’m still obeying the commandments and that I have a strong testimony of the gospel so as to soften the blow.

I’m uncertain now as to how to proceed with all of this. My little brother knows I’m gay, it’s obvious by the way he asked about my friends and about what I’m doing. He’s okay with it. He’s supportive and he loves me and he is probably just waiting for me to say it because he pretty much knows, but I’m not sure how to tell him that I’m not going to Church anymore, and while I love the gospel I’m not participating in a Church that makes me feel marginalized.

So now I know that I have to come out of the closet all over again, except this time instead of saying “I’m not straight.” I’m going to have to tell my family “I’m not living the way that the Church wants me to and I don’t have a testimony of how the Church says I should live my life.”

I think telling them I’m gay was easier.

Part II

2007-11-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

Torrid In Context

2007-11-13T04:28:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine called me the other day and it had been awhile since I had heard from him. I asked him what he was up to and he said that he had just had a torrid affair with a guy for four days. Now mind you, this friend is a little on the loco side and he tends to be dramatic and to flare things up a bit. He told me the details and mentioned that the guy he was hooking up with wouldn’t tell him his last name but that on the way to the airport he looked at his ticket and later googled the guy and found out that he is some pastor from a huge Christian congregation. So he calls me back to tell me that I can’t mention this to anyone because the guy is really freaked out now.

So there are different ways we can portray ourselves. I for one can only give so much information about myself through this blog without going overboard and loosing the focus of why I have this blog in the first place. I’m struggling now with how to be honest and how to share what I need to share and most importantly I want to be an advocate for men and women who are struggling with their sexuality and who are searching for safe ways to explore their sexuality.

I’m so many things that my readers haven’t seen. I’m probably a lot quieter than people would expect. I’m probably a lot younger than most people would assume I look and I am a lot happier than my blog reflects.

For so long I used this blog to vent frustrations and to outsource my angst and anxiety about my marriage and about my confusions. Now I am looking forward to a life without the same relationship struggles and anxiety provoking situations because I’ve done and taken the steps necessary in order for myself to progress away from that type of learning and to move into a deeper more enlightened way to live.

I choose happiness, I choose honesty, I choose life, I choose heart, I choose spirituality, I choose embracing, I choose zeal, and I choose me.

I may have some road blocks along the way, but as this blog progresses I want to share my stories, not for the narration of my life, but for a way to parallel the knowledge that you can be gay and you can be spiritual and love and be loved by God all in the same breath. I want people who read this to perhaps have a desire to focus more on the healing power of relationships and the permission to love regardless of gender roles or societal norms.

My Heavenly Father looks on the heart and my heart is full and it is grateful and it is whole.

Legally Over

2007-11-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

The divorce is final and I should be happy perhaps, but I'm not. I'm also lacking in saddness as to say that there's a feeling too complex to put into words. Thomas Hardy once said: "the sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes." I'm ok with the scar. I'm content with the knowledge that nothing is a mistake. I feel a little emptiness and a lot of openness.

Looking back is hard to do. The dissection of the past three years is impossible. Future pursuits provide a lot of peace and currently I'm in a state of wholeness and contentment. "This happiness consisted of nothing else but the harmony of the few things around me with my own existence, a feeling of contentment and well-being that needed no changes and no intensification" (Herman Hesse).

I find myself wanting to hold on and wanting to let go. A tug of war with myself. Possibly I won't ever find the strength to walk away from the rope long enough to comprehend what the last years of my life reflect. Listening to the past requires a great deal of strength. Luckily I have the strength and I'm open to the lessons that I need to learn. I can look back as much as I can look forward and I see nothing as important as what is happening right now. But the truth of the compartmentalization of time is that there is no future and past without the present and so on and so forth. I can't rememeber or forget the past without seeing it in my present and my future.

I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for the blessings I have. I'm very mindful of what I've been given and what I have taken away. I once remember myself sitting in sacrament meeting feeling weighed down by my struggles of sexuality and choice. I promised myself that I wouldn't give up on the gospel and I haven't. The Church is no longer something that I prescribe to, and in order for me to live the gospel more fully and completely, I had to let go of the organization of the Church.

Whatever the cause or events that led to the end of my marriage, I'm aware of the feeling that guided me to where I am now and I can't judge that. I feel happiness and sadness just as always, but I'm evolved into something that I wasn't and I'm glad that I feel closer to what my whole self will eventually reach.

Possible Identy Distraction

2007-11-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

The position I find myself in is one that very few people can relate to. For most gay Mormon men the desire to marry a woman is very strong and the fact that I’ve done that sets me apart from most of the gay men that I come in contact with. Being divorced is something that I can completely hide from my identity as I come in contact with various people. They either assume I’m gay and or notice that because I don’t have a wedding ring on that I’m single. And then I could be very honest and when they ask if I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend then I can say “I was married and now I’m not” and then they assume I’m straight and that’s ok, but then again it doesn’t feel honest to me to let then assume I’m straight because I’ve done that my whole life and I really don’t like how it feels. I want people to know that I’m gay and that I’m proud of who I am and feel whole and complete in every way.

The more people I meet it becomes apparent that they assume so many different things than what is actually the truth. Most people assume I’m straight, or at least they as if I have a girlfriend which is probably the polite thing to do, so I can’t tell if they think I’m straight or just don’t want to feel embarrassed if they were to ask if I was gay and I got offended. Either way it’s not important. They can assume what they want but it is very interesting to me to see what people project onto me.

There is this kid at work who is gay and is in his early twenties and when he first met me he asked if I had a girlfriend and I told him thanks for thinking I was straight but no I didn’t. I then let him know that I was gay, but I felt really comfortable with him considering that he is obviously gay and I felt he had a sincere interest in getting to know me. He’s now constantly asking me questions about gay relationships and about what he should do in the relationships that he is forming or with guys he is dating and I think it’s so funny because I have virtually no experience in the world of gay relationships but he’s assuming that I have a lot of ‘street cred’ in the gay world because I’m 28 and out.

And then there’s the part of me that thinks it would be interesting to tell him about my life and how I’m getting a divorce from my wife of 3 years. But there’s more to me than that, and there’s more to me than my sexuality and there’s more to me than being gay.

I feel like I’m starting to understand what it means to be misunderstood. I feel like people like me and they like be for all the right and true reasons, but at the same time it feels like the older I get the more I know how valuable my true friends are because they’ve been with me from the beginning and they know me and they are continuing to get to know me as opposed to people who feel like they have me cornered.

I appreciate the openness and honesty of my peers and friends respect the fact that I am fluid and that I have a journey to continue on, and they realize that I am more than many parts that make me whole, but I’m also the possibility of my many options and opportunities.

A Gay Mormon Perspective

2007-11-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

My buddy Clark from the blog The Stripping Warrior gave an interview recently that I think is both brave and insightful. Not only is he one of the most giving and intelligent friends I've ever had, but his dedication to advocate for other men and women who are in the Church struggling to find something to connect with is inspirational.

Blessings Without Limit

2007-10-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there are black people in the church that feel offended when they hear people compare the gay oppression in the community of the saints being related to the struggle that was afforded their ancestors as they were discriminated against and even placed in danger for the societal set back that was allotted then during the history of the church and more importantly the history of our country.

There are so many ways to parallel the gay struggle/movement in the church but it seems as though the comparison of the black members of the church being able to receive the priesthood is easily understood because the oppression originated in society and the permeated the doctrine of the church to view black members as not being “ready” to receive that blessings of holding the priesthood and having the power in their homes.

I don’t know what will happen in future of the church when in our country gay marriage will be legalized and communities are more gay friendly and families can no longer expect their son’s and daughters to marry against their organic attractions.

One thing that does separate the gay struggle within the church and the black men receiving the priesthood is that black men in the church were hopeful and prayerful that they would one day receive the blessings that so many other men in the church had been receiving. And yet there are gay men and women who are active members of the church willing to be exploited and repressed and even fighting for the further disembodiment of the forces that are trying to promote equality in the distribution of blessings.

When a straight man marries a straight woman, part of the blessings that are afforded them are automatically rewarded. Natural affection, true sexual fulfillment, and organic connection of the physical and emotional bond that they share. To choose to live your life with someone and not have those essential components be part of the relationship, then what’s the point of getting married?

I use to think that the blessings would come and that if I were patient enough and if I were faithful enough that I could obtain the unseen magical blessings that would one day be mine. And now I realize that I can have whatever blessing I want because there are an abundant amount of blessings available for the taking. I am not limited. I can be connected to a man and have the same emotional, spiritual and physical connections that a straight man and women rejoice in. And if I choose to focus on the blessings of the struggle and the possible blessings of sacrifice then I can have those too. But I choose to be happy now and to be happy later and to be happy after death.

The Lord doesn’t discriminate. The Lord doesn’t turn people away because they choose to love and support and give and hope and care and sacrifice and embody true affection for someone of their same gender.

It would be ridiculous to assume that a black person would look down on another black person for wanting what is a natural and God given right to experience love and connection on a natural and valid level. So why do gay men in the church look down on other gay men for choosing to take God up on the blessings that He has promised everyone?

I use to feel like I was bound by my sexuality in that I couldn’t participate in the blessings that others had. I felt like the sexual and emotional blessings that were experienced by straight men and women could not be mine because that was my lot in life. And then I realized that I could take off the handcuffs that I bound myself in for so long. I didn’t have to stay bound with my hands behind my back. I was free all along to grasp and fight and look to love and seek out intimate human connection that wasn’t forced or lacking in richness or blessings.

I feel whole because I’ve remembered that God has already made me whole. I am benefiting from the blessings of being true to myself because I am choosing to use the resources that Heavenly Father has given me to obtain those blessings.

Regardless of the outcome as to whether "the gays" will receive the priesthood or not, or if lesbians will be able to teach primary... that’s not my concern. But my focus for me and this time of my life, is to remember that happiness only begets more happiness, and struggle and repression and stifling and denial will only bring more of the same.

If it’s true that sexuality is a choice, then I chose to be happy.

On The Table

2007-10-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve been beating myself up for so long about my marriage. It was really easy for me to just brush off the common judgments of people who looked down on me for the choices that I’ve made. I was outwardly adamant about explaining that my past is valid and good, but inside I silently felt the pain and the prick and the loneliness of being alone after I’ve had my best friend to soothe and comfort me for three years.

So I want to come clean. I want to be honest and I want to be as truthful as I can be in this moment. I was holding back a lot because I didn’t want to drag my wife onto the pages of this blog anymore than she had been. I wanted to protect her and myself for saying the wrong thing about our very intimate and personal choices. What I never said and what I am giving permission to say now is that my marriage wasn’t right from the beginning, and I didn’t get a divorce solely because I happen to be gay. My wife and I got a divorce because our marriage wasn’t right.

If my wife happened to be a man and happened to have a penis and a face like Patrick Wilson and a chest like Chad White then we still would have gotten a divorce. If I were straight and I connected emotionally and spiritually to the physical makeup and soul components of a woman more than a man's then I still and even then would have proceeded with the divorce. If I hadn’t been sexually molested as a young boy and didn’t have various sexual urges to look at porn or to masturbate, the marriage would have ended still. If my wife didn’t care that I checked out guys or felt a close connection to men, then we still would have ended the marriage because it just wasn’t right.

Something I never understood about marriage and the union of two people is that it takes a best friend energy to want to form your life with someone, but just because two people are best friends doesn’t mean they should get married to each other. Just because two people really care about each other, and are perhaps in love doesn’t mean they should get married. There’s more to a marriage and a lasting relationship than being best friends and even being in love. Love matters, but so does connection and forgiveness and freedom and trust and permission and encouragement and laughter and sex.

Having been married and knowing what it’s like to be with someone as a spouse I see now that there were so many things lacking. We had the obvious external beauty of a typical couple; beauty, smiles and worldly successes. It was easy to look at my life and trust that everything you saw was real and lasting. People saw my marriage as an example and template for a compatible couple. Sometimes what you see is not what you get.

I could have stayed in my painfully flawed marriage and I could have tried harder to make something that was obviously the color of turquoise a rich and shiny rust, but it still would have been a lie and on the inside it would still be a completely different color.

I want to be my own color and live in a relationship that compliments my tone and texture and hue. I started this week feeling overwhelmingly sad because I was letting myself feel guilty for not being straight enough, not being strong enough or not being less me. But I see now that no matter what I could have done or no matter the actions I could have taken, my marriage would have still ended in divorce.

It was almost easier saying that I got divorced because I’m gay, but it feels more honest saying that I’m no longer married because it just wasn’t right. And now the obstacle is letting myself allow feelings of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy because my life is happy. And it feels good to finally get that off my chest.

Hurt

2007-10-09T04:52:00.000-07:00

It's almost 5:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. This week has been the worst so far. Getting a divorce sucks. There's nothing more I can say about it. I want to leave out as much information about my wife as possible so I'm not going to say too much. On Sunday I got an email from her that was more than I could handle. The separation of our life together is like tearing off my arm or my rib cage. It feels wrong and it feels so painful that I can't function.

I'm a lost person. I'm struggling to survive at this point. I was planning on traveling and I had a job lined up that was going to provide me with a little bit of stability, but it was postponed. Now I have nothing and it feels scary and empty. I've used up all my psychic energy trying to get through this all, and it's dried up. I have nothing left to survive off of.

And while I am in agony, bleeding and shaky; I am more than blessed at this moment. I have a friend who is giving me more than I could have asked for. When I forget to eat he feeds me. He is nursing me back to health and I'm so thankful. Without him I feel like I would litterally be on the streets. Thanks to him I am able to look ahead, past the pain and through the struggle and I feel like I will one day be ok and I will one day be able to stand.

Time heals all wounds I'm hoping .

2007-10-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts so bad that I can't breathe. I'm aching and pain is pounding through my body. I'm sad and I can't speak. I've never been in so much pain in my whole life. I don't care if I die. What have I done? Nothing can rectify this. I want to break everything I see. I want to take a hammer to my life and watch it shatter. I hate. I don't know me.

Internal Locus of Control

2007-10-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

Life is like a mixed tape. And as each song in my life represents some memory or encounter, I'm starting to get to the end of side "A" and I'm gonna flip the tape over and start on side "B" to see what comes next. I'm headed back to UT in a week and I'm excited to see my family and friends. I was actually in San Diego last weekend and I stayed with one of my best friends in the whole world and his wife and two kids. The love and support they have for me is unparalleled and it's so much fun to hang with them and do absolutely nothing except be with them. I helped them out with the new business they've started, and I did some babysitting and we had some really good conversations. So I'm looking forward to seeing them again. Seeing my family is another story. I'm not excited to see them. I get nothing from them emotionally and it's so draining to put myself in a position where I feel judged and criticized but at the same time I'm not feeling like they are doing it out of love or concern. I know they love me, but it's just hard to feel it when I don't see it.

And then there's the recent opportunity that I've been given to leave school for now and take some time off. I'm going to be traveling for quite a long time which may limit my ability to blog. But I'm gonna try my best to post things that are going on with me.

As for me, the Church and my gay Mormon conondrum, I'm feeling pretty good. Who knew that not going to Church would make me feel so good? I'm enjoying the process of figuring things out without the presence of the Church. I'm talking more with God, I'm taking my problems and joys in His court and I'm just not concerning myself with what the Church's influence makes me feel like. But actually I did go to Church in San Diego. I went with my buddy and his wife. I forgot about that, but it wasn't really like Church because I went to hang out with them. The lessons were so weird. People in the Church are odd sometimes. There was a lot of talk about trials and going through hard things and I felt like what people were saying was that trials come from bad choices and trials help you grow but does that mean we should make bad choices? Whatever. It was fun to go to Church and not really care because it's not that deep.

Separateness Brings Wholeness

2007-09-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

It’s such a beautiful Sunday morning! The sky is bright blue and life appears peaceful. I’m so grateful for a lot of things right now. My heart is full. I am learning how to live with a happiness that is different from the happiness I always thought I would have.

The expectations I once had for my life were an idealistic replication of what I saw everyone man in the Church to posses. And the closer I got to that dream the unhappier I became. I started to feel a lack of motivation, a tightening in my chest and an unemotional ability to connect with anything. What I thought I wanted was in fact something that for whatever reason was not something that my soul could connect to.

I don’t believe in the Church anymore. I don’t think that the higher power, our God and our Father would expect someone to live unhappily in a world that doesn’t feel either appropriate or healthy. I believe that God is merciful and that love is the greater higher calling and power. It seems so cliché to say that, but what good is the priesthood to me if I don’t love my life? What good is taking the sacrament when I’m not feeling a sense of commitment to the progress of my own soul?

It’s weird to start to look at the organization of the Church and feel that it’s veracity is unwarranted. I use to love the Church so much I use to feel so connected to the leaders and the culture. Interestingly enough, I started feeling so disconnected from the Church when I got back from my mission and was in a student ward at BYU. I felt like my spirit wanted to go in a direction that the Church didn’t approve of. The inconsistency of my spiritual urges to follow a different path and the strict teachings of the only true Church on the earth felt like torture.

Was my soul flawed, or was it the Church who was flawed? I guess that’s what it came down to for me. I chose to believe that I was the one who was flawed, and the more I looked to the Church to guide me away from my broken state; I found that the Church was the source of my defects. I should never have gotten married, and while I don’t regret anything, I do feel like my desire to be approved of my family and friends led me to believe that the only way I could find happiness was to marry a woman. Luckily for me my marriage was not inauthentic or contrived. I loved my wife and our friendship was solid, but the Church was a source of conflict between us because I never felt like I could say that I knew the Church was true.

Maybe I’m throwing away “true happiness” or maybe I’m letting go of expectations that don’t serve my growth or advancement as a spiritual being.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to find truth and to find happiness and to obtain peace for myself. Life is about taking risks and about fighting for what I believe in. I couldn’t just sit down and wait for life to be over to find out the meaning of all of this. I wanted so badly for the Church to be true. I wanted my marriage to work. And I now want to know what it is like to look in the mirror and feel complete integrity and respect for myself. I want respect and I want peace that never fails. I want love and passion and a relationship with someone whom I connect with on every level. I want kids who can look at me and say: “my dad is real and honest and authentic and happy.” I want my life to mean something. I don’t want to endure to the end and just suffer through trials and challenges without owning every piece of my decisions. I want to take responsibility for my life and to stand up for what I believe and what I know to be true. I want to be educated with as much knowledge of the world that I can obtain. I want freedom from guilt and freedom from shame. I want unconditional love and acceptance from myself and from those who I associate with. I want to embody integrity. I want to give and to love and to breath with complete unselfish trust.

I won’t rest until I feel like I’ve exhausted every resource to obtain the true path, journey and destination of my soul.

Private Parts

2007-09-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

My blog is back to private. I had a really horrible encounter this week contrasted with some pretty amazing experiences with people that I love, respect, honor and worship. Someone asked me today what I wish for and I thought long and hard about it and came up with the answer that I find myself searching for everyday: complete love and acceptance from everyone I come in contact with. And as I write this I realize that I have all the love and acceptance I need; my Heavenly Father's acceptance and unconditional love is enough. It's all I need. It's all I want. It's all I can really ask for. I'm good.

Space That Fills

2007-09-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent over a couple of hours with my ex-wife. I went to pick up some stuff and we ended up going through boxes of our life together. Every past memory had been locked up and kept semi-hidden until we ripped open the boxes and forced ourselves to look at the remaining peices. There's so much to say and so much to process. The lines between husband and wife were cloudy, friends and confedants, enemies and strangers were all bleeding together. Within the walls of the garage where everything was kept from view we brought in light and let out some darkness.

I saw my ex-wife for the first time yesterday in like two months. I was aching to just look at her in the flesh without phones or wireless internet. We hugged and paused. We asked questions and made small talk. We were friendly and we were comfortable. The moving on from that moment was quite huge for me. I invisoned myself having a breaking point and a continued existentical meltdown. I was terrified to see her, to speak with her, to look at our old couch again, to pet the cat, to touch her arm. I was scared that I was going to feel too much. But I didn't.

I felt so grateful that I had her as a friend. Our marriage together was amazing, we were wonderful friends together and there was much to rejoice about. And I feel like even now, more than ever there is more to look forward to. There are more moments for us to have and while different, they will be just as rich. I can't say how much I miss her, how much I love her and how much she touches me to my core. And spending those few hours with her yesterday was magic.

It was a chance for us both to look back at the time we've been separated and see how far we've come, how much we've progressed and how many things are good. Box by box we opened up a memory and laid it to rest. We threw some things away, we cleaned out sections and we exchanged gifts like it was a special occasion. Some boxes were broken and torn while others were crisp and new. Contents were visible but what was staring us in the face was a life that neither of us owned. We held posessions in our hands and moved through the unspoken like it was natural to do so.

We could have talked about a lot. She could have gotten angry. I could have ran away, but there was more honest peace and exciting optimisim in yesterdays conversation with my wife than I ever dreamed there would be. My heart is no longer feeling the pain. I still cry. I still look for ways to repair damage, but I'm seeing the shift in boxes and now that the contents are out in the open and distributed evenly, my mind is more at ease.

A Reservation For Diety

2007-09-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

I really like the Latter-day Saint doctrine that says we can become like God. It’s an extremely empowering theology, and to my knowledge, this pathway to celestial royalty is one of the most prestigious concepts in all religious thought. There is so much beauty and strength in the idea of achieving the level of deity.

Being mortal, being human and imperfect creates pain and gives way for much confusion, and yet the hope that one day all will be for a purpose, not only provides a respite from struggle, but also a transcendence that leads to the title responsibility of “creator.” What better way to look toward the unknown of the afterlife than to set the intention that one day I will have worlds and power without end!

There is also something inherently confusing in the contemplation that man can be transformed from an imperfect and slothful being into a god of revered and omniscient power. The process of reaching the status of deity appears to be much more complicated than most humans could ever really conceptualize, and even when most Latter-day Saints feel they have a “sure knowledge” of that part of the gospel, there would seem to be a lack of consciousness for the realities of the entirety of the human race. If man can indeed reach god-like status then why is it only reserved for a small number of individuals who happen to have the experience of the very specific cultural upbringing? Where is the common bond in all of us that gives way to the path of god-like status?

Is this doctrine some of what drove me to feel like I had to marry a woman in order to progress and fulfill the measure of my earth trial? Is part of being a god inherent to the relationship that men and women have in the creation of families and the creation of a marital bond?

There’s part of me that doesn’t want to be a god. I don’t want to see my children going through moments of despair and horrific scenes of devastation. And yet there seems to be so much goodness in the world and so much progress that the joy would be overwhelming. How amazing of a concept to contemplate. I can’t even micromanage my own life, let alone the amazing task it would be to oversee the countless spirits that exist.

Certainty From The Place Of Least Inspection

2007-09-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a lot right now, and by "a lot" I mean more than I could articulate. There are days when I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and when I'm feeling so much that my heart feels like it's beating out my chest and shooting through my finger tips. My emotions are raw right now and I'm feeling exhausted from all that there is to think about and process.

In this moment I am devistated. I miss having my best friend with me and I miss seeing her and laughing with her. I can't believe that we're no longer married. My mind is in shock and I feel such an intense loss from this experience. I could go on and on at how amazing she is, at how lovely and beautifully she lives her life. I'm grateful for all she has given me and all she is. I just miss her so much and it hurts more than I ever thought it would. The pain is sometimes too much.

I'm lonely and I'm tired and I'm wanting answers in all of this. I'm grasping for some semblance of truth and any reflection I can find of assurity. I am clinging to myself for dear life and I'm holding on to the only certainty that I feel...I know that I exist. I know that I feel and I know that I am alive. I feel it I see it and I am appreciative of the fact that I have that small truth in my life. For this moment I have me and I am me. I can see the world and experience the world, and the only thing that is truly real about it is myself, because through my eyes and my body I embody truth.

My emotions, my struggles, my bordeom, my confusion, my angst, my loss, my fear, my anger, my euphoria, my sighs, my itch, my toes, my gaze, my intent, my patience, my longing, my triumph, my dissapointment, my sounds, my steps, my chills, my cries, my whispers, my rage, my contentment, my reasoning, my peace, my love, my tenderness, my grief, my kneel, my introspection, my pull, my gestures, breath, my frown, my goodness, my zeal, my presence, my karma, my grasp, my laugh, heart, my experience, my memory, my time...

I use to live in a way that caused me to surrender every peice of myself in order to survive. Part of why I loved the Church so much is that it told me exactly what to do and how to do it. I was expected to do certain things a specific and exact way. I was taught to be something concrete and specific and I knew that I was expected to think a certain way and behave in a certain way. My motto was: "please tell me what to do or I'll end up being myself." And that was the way I lived my life. I had to have my parents and peers tell me how to live and how to think, because otherwise I was affraid that I'd end up being who I really was. If you think about it, it's pretty terrifying for a gay Mormon boy to think about the prospects of being himself and feeling safe in his own true skin.

It's hard enough standing out by not liking sports or being interested in talking about hunting and cars, let alone admitt to everyone around me that I didn't like girls. And the Church provided such a safe haven from myself. I was protected from my own skin, from my own desires that when I was aksed what I wanted to eat or what movie I wanted to go to I couldn't tell you because I was committed to being someone I wasn't. The more I asked myself what I truly wanted and the more I looked within myself to find answers, I was finding that who I was deep down inside wasn't who the Church wanted me to be and who my parents wanted me to be.

And now I find myself in the opposite camp. All I have is myself. I'm alone and I'm standing on nothing but me. I'm truly aware now of all that's inside me and I'm more than connected with what I want to get out of life and even though it's scary and foreign I see myself reaching higher than I ever thought I could. I'm sometimes so happy looking at my own skin that I have the impetus to kiss myself and hug myself. I know what it's like to feel good in my own skin. And it's not about coming to understand who I am, but it's about embracing my inner strength and looking at the beauty that is truth and that is certain truth. I am me and that's all I can be certain of. And all that's left is uncertainty, and I'm ok with that.

The Void Is Void

2007-09-11T03:57:00.000-07:00

Anyway, what can I say? I'm gay, yo! I like dick. I felt incomplete when I was married to my wife, a void in my chest cavity was throbbing for me to fill it with an emotional connection with a guy. And I think about that often. This void, this incomplete feeling, a ferocious desire to have an intimate bond with a guy drove us to end our marriage. Was it my fault? I guess. Should I have filled the void with the sweet word of God? I knew you were thinking that!! Don't tell me that you weren't for a second like "well, Elbow should have just focused on his relationship with the Savior to fill that void!" Even if you didn't mean it, it still crossed your mind. And that's ok. It crossed mine too. And I thought about it and I don't think the Savior wants me filling that kind of a void with him. There are spiritual drives to be connected to a higher power and to a spiritual community, and there are emotional voids that need to be filled. I can't fit a square peg in a round hole, ya'll! Who am I talking to? Sorry if you feel like I'm yelling at you, I'm really not yelling, I'm just using a lot of exclamation points. I'm cool like that.

I've thought a lot lately about the relationship I have with the Church. Not the gospel, and not Heavenly Father, but my relationship with the Church and basically...I'm mad. Truthfully, my anger has no bite and it is really quite unthreatening. But I'll assure all of you that I'm not bitter, I'm happy. I'm really quite content at the place I'm at and the path I'm on. I know that God loves me and that some part of the Universe and the higher powers of the universe have unconditional love coming at me with full force. I feel loved and honored and respected for what I'm doing with my life. In fact I'm really glad that I was raised Mormon and I'm really glad that I don't feel like I have to believe everything that is being taught in the Mormon religion. And just today I was talking with someone about my mission and I was saying how much I loved it and I was thinking how funny it was that I don't go to Church, I don't wear my garments, but yet I have so much love for my mission and the people I met there and the companions I had. It's just cool.

I got an email from a friend who I hadn't heard from since the divorce and her words were so intense and passionate for me and my situation. She wrote the following: "I am so honored to be friends with someone as brave as you!! Wow, Elbow! You are unbelievable!! The courage and strength that you have astounds me!!!"

I'm so not use to that reaction. I feel like most people just look at me in pity and in disapointment that I "couldn't do it" or that I "chose to give up." But here I am, living my life as I truly feel like it should be lived and allowing my wife to live her life in a way that she feels is best for her and even now, even though it's painful and hard, we are reaping the benefits.

And the void...no longer exists. I don't feel it like I use to. I still want to be connected to a boy friend or even a husband and while I know that won't happen for quite some time, I realize now that the void, the chasm of space and infinite depth of emptiness that I was experiencing didn't have anything to do with me finding a male intimate partner, but it had everything to do with me finding myself. I was lost but now I'm found. My soul and my authenticity and respect for my true identiy was the very thing that I needed to fill the gap. And so now that I don't have this gaping hole in the middle of my pectoral muscles, it feels amazing! Being whole is unparalleled!

Jump Around. Counclusions Hurt.

2007-09-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

In the PBS documentary "The Mormons" I remember a woman who was telling the story of her great great grandmother who crossed the plains and who wrote in her journal and the the undeniable witness she had recieved telling her that the Church was true. And the woman telling this story mentioned that she had left the Church because she never recieved that witness that the Church was true no matter what. She stated that she felt uncertain and that her testimony grew out of uncertainty and that she doesn't claim the Church to be false or to be true, because she hasn't received answers either way.

I have a friend who was telling me about how he came to knew the Church was true. And when he was telling me he had this fire in his tone that reall made me believe what he was telling me. He said that he was at a youth meeting when he was in high school and he was listening to a Choir sing "I Am A Child Of God" in a lot of different languages. He said he felt the spirit so strong that it was undeniable and that at that moment because of the feelings he was feeling, he knew that the Church was true.

So to me it sounded like the spirit was confirming that he was a child of God, not the the Church was true, but he chose to believe that because of that experience and because it was at a Church activity that he had to believe that that experience meant that the Church was true for him. So I don't question or judge that, in fact I respect his steadfastness in his desire to live in a way that he feels is the best way for his spirit to progress.

But for me it's different. I have a creator I know that God or a higher power or even a collective consciousness of all good energy and light fuels the breath of all meaning and goodness. I don't know if God does exist like the Mormon God I've been taught to believe. I don't know cause I haven't seen Him. And I felt a powerful force within me state that there is a higher power so I'm more inclined to say that yes there is a God or a higher power, but the details concerning His plan for me and His desire for the world I know not because I haven't had a confirmation of it.

When I would go to the temple I would feel good because I felt like I was doing something good and praiseworthy, but there were times when I would enter and sit in a session and feel drained spiritually because I wasn't connected to what I was hearing. It was hard sometimes to sit through the temple and feel like I didn't have the exact feeling I should be feeling. I didn't ever sit in the celestial room and feel a powerful force or even a soft whisper I felt good sometimes and sometimes I felt nothing and sometimes I was bored and other times I was anxious to get out. Now that doesn't mean that the Church is or isn't true. I can't base the veracity of the Church on how I'm feeling from one minute to the next and I suppose it would be different if I were to feel an undeniable feeling like my friend or the pioneers.

Or maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the Lord wants to try and test me before I can humble myself to come to know that the Church and its teachings are exactly what I should follow. And so for now I'm living my life in a way that I feel is honest and good and trustworthy. I'm not doing things like attending the temple or going to Church because they feel inauthentic to me at the moment. I'm trying to pray more and connect more with the Universe and the higher vibrational powers of unconditional love and acceptance and that's all I can do.

I feel like if I were to go to Church feeling uninspired and unmotivated that it wouldn't be for the right reasons. And it's hard when I feel like the majority of the members wouldn't understand what I'm going through and that they would also judge me for my choices. And I know it's not about them, but if it's not then why congregate at all? Why meet together? And of course I could take it upon myself to be a light bearer and bring people to a higher level of understanding of what it means to embrace homosexuals in the Church and love and accept all people, but I don't fee like that's my mission right now. But obviously I bring it up because there's some part of me that wants to figure everything out and if it's that I feel uncertain for the rest of my life about the origins of God and the truth of the Church, then that's ok, because in the meantime I'm going to live as beautifully as I can and give as much good as I can and take as much spiritual power from the Universe as I can. And for that I feel like I'll be doing what's right. At least right for me.

Iron/Lube/Mormon/Golf

2007-09-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not the type of person that is just impulsive about things. I think. I ponder and I make sure that my decision is sound and real and good and solid. Most of my decisions have been good ones, including my decision to marry my wife. I remember feeling like I should pray about it and ask Heavenly Father if it was the right thing to do, but once again I played the "I don't want/need/have/like/care to pray" card and thought to myself: "Yo, Elbow! If you pray about this, it might be wrong, and you want to get married, so just get married and don't look back." I mean I made my decision based off of clear and intense decision making skills and I didn't need anyone coming in and screwing that up, even if they were a member of diety.

And I'm approaching a whole other level of decision making in my life. I am now in the process of deciding what I will do with the future life of Elbow. I need to set intentions, clear one's and positive expectations for myself because this is the time for me to "go out and get what I want" (from Shoes). And that's scary. I can live a celibate life, I could live a semi-celibate life, I could also live the life of a gay Mormon whore which might be fun, or I could even return to the life of a gay married Mormon (most definately not going to happen). So yeah, I have a lot of opptions. And as my last post so eloquently described my ambigiously bitter/love/hate/confused/grateful/fun relationship with the Church. I have a hard time trusting what "The Church" says because let's be honest, they aren't saying many coherent and relevant statements about homosexuality, and if I were to change my life in conformity with every new statment/revelation/conversation the Church puts out about homosexuality then I would be schizophrenic at this point.

So I must rely on the arm of the flesh as my haters would say or as I like to call it, the smooth/latin/thick/masculine bicep of flesh (kidding, haters). No. I have to do what all you good guys out there are telling me to do. Pray. Get down, get dirty, kneel, make it hurt so good prayer. And I've started. I'm praying and it feels like nothing, but I'm doing it because it makes sense.

After I kneeled to pray last night I remembered why I don't pray anymore, because I don't feel anything. But maybe that's ok for now. I mean I feel a lot of God's love and peace when I'm going about my daily business and thinking about Him and the many blessings. But praying for me is like shutting off the fountain of water and sitting in a sound proof box and waiting for a homing pigeon to send me morse code through the sound proof door....nothing.

And that's why it's so rediculous for me to tell myself to just hold to the rod and endure to the end because I don't feel it. What is the point of holding on to the rod of iron to the word of God? The word of God changes and the word of God is love so yeah I guess I hold to the iron rod if it's love and acceptance and being able to get married to someone of your own gender. But the Church places these expectations and hypothetical constructs on the word of God to make it more complicated than it is. Or maybe I'm the one laughing from the big and spacious building at all the people holding to a rod of iron, but I have better things to do, and I suspect that if the people in the large and spacious building were really that wicked then they'd be doing a lot more than just laughing out the window. I mean if there's pot to smoke and an orgy to perform I think they'd choose the bong/lube over laughing at some dorks who are holding onto a peice of metal.

I have a buddy who is now in his thirties and he just realized that he hasn't explored himself sexually and that developmentally he feels behind in his progress as a human being because he's a gay mormon who has not dated girls because it feels wrong and who hasn't dated guys because he's worried about letting go of the iron rod in the eyes of the Church. The other day I was talking to him and he was thinking seriously about exploring himself sexually and letting himself experiment without guilt. He wasn't going to have sex or anything, he just wanted to see what it was like to be intimate with someone who he cared about and who he was attracted to. And as he was making the decsion to go forward and let himself be ok with his sexual expression he said "the only iron rod I'm holding onto is my penis!" I laughed and so did he, and I'm still laughing at it even though it sounds irreverant.

So the iron rod is there. I'm looking at it and I'm thinking about what it means in relationship to my life and the future that I see for myself and the future that I don't want for myself. And then I look up at the orgy/pot/debauchery/wicked/lube party in the large an spacious building and I don't want to be there either. Isn't there a section that gets you to the tree and the fruit but you can take a golf cart or something? And if there is a golf cart, can I drive it?

Feel That, Prayer!

2007-09-01T05:06:00.000-07:00

I've lost that connection. Heavenly Father loves me and I feel it. It's real and it's peaceful and it's good, but I can't bring myself to pray, to really pray and get into the habit of it. My life! Maybe the Lord is like "Hey, Elbow! Look at this, look at me! Look and just connect with me and if not I'm going to make this harder than it needs to be!"

So this is the list:

* My student loan money is being rationed. So, because of my masters degree, my doctorate funding is less because the government says it's a rule.
* My car was towed on Wednesday night, it cost $210 dollars to get it back.
* My car was given a violation last night and a big bright sticker is stuck to my driver side window. All because my apartment complex didn't fix my garage door opener, even though I gave them two and a half weeks to fix it.
* Because of such financial realities I'm living off of canned tuna and peanut butter with wheat thins (all of which were given to me by my mother because she was worried I wouldn't eat).
* My can opener that I use to open the tuna just broke. Hence, no more tuna.
* And did I mention that I'm going through a divorce and I'm missing my best friend like crazy?

So that's that. I never like running lists of things to complain about and this is my first time doing it and my last because I've decided that no more bad things are going to happen to me. But sitting here in this moment I kind of believe that the Lord is trying to tell me something.

"Just pray, idiot!"

Pause.

Why does He care that I pray? I'm still kind of stuck on that. Why does the Lord care if I shoot one up to Him or not? He knows my thought "Stop fighting, you two are twins. For goodness sake don't they have the same thoughts?" (does anyone know where that's from?)

And if the Lord is really that vengeful to be like "Hey, you're not praying to me so I'm going to make you wish you were never off your knees, biotch!" Then that would be anti-godlike, right?

But all in all, I see it as a signal from the Universe that I need to connect with diety and bridge my consciousness with the higher power and creator.

This post is starting to turn into something it's not and therefore I feel like I'm just spewing out random thoughts of consciousness, hoping that a glimer of sense will shine in the publishing of this post. So I'm going to go where I really don't want to dwell. I need to think about as much as I need to process my role with the Church.

I grew up in the Church. I was perfect Mormon boy, A+ in Deacon, A+ in not fornicating with girls, and A+ in loving my companions and loving my mission ect... And here I find myself not wearing my garments, and not attending Church all because I'm pissed off. I'm mad. I'm really really angry that the Church has the audacity to tell people that they don't know where homosexuality comes from or if we are or are not born with it, but they will make assumptions as to how to live your life in regards to the sexual feelings one posesses. Why would it be ok to let me marry my wife? Why was that sactioned by a bishop. Why would the Church not rush to the pulpit and say: "Listen guys, STOP! it's not good, it's not right, and it's anti-progress for a gay man to marry a woman. You're ok. Your salvation is in tact, you don't have to marry a woman to feel complete in this life and in the life to come, it will all work out."

But no. They aren't saying that. They are saying. "Gays, you guys have a lot to deal with, you can live normal lives but we aren't going to really focus on your 'trials' same sex attraction as much as we are just going to sweep it under the rug because we don't really know what to say (we really don't receive revelation on this subject we we're just winging it until we do). And so be celebate, and live that 'normal' life without love, without comittment, without sharing and growing as the companion to another person. Actually, go against one of the most important teachings of the Church, just disgregard the phrase "it's not good for man to be alone." That doesn't apply to you. It's good for you to be alone, well not good, but you can tolerate it just as we are tolerating you."

There you go. That's how I feel. That's why I'm not going to Church. The Lord doesn't dwell in a Church like that. For me the Lord is present because I invite him into my life. He loves everyone regardless of thier sexual orientation, regardless of what Church they go to, or what they do on Sundays. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die! Just kidding, I was throwing that in for the people that are like "Yo, Elbow! You're basically saying that we don't have to be accountable for our sins."

And to that I say: "Live your life, not mine." I have enough to worry about without wondering what others will think of me. I'm done caring about what my bishop might say if he knew that I was gay or if he knew that I left the Church (so to speak, because technically I haven't left the Church, but I guess if I ever feel like it's not good for me to be alone I might have to be). I'm just spewing forth so much wisdom right now that I'm going to stop myself. So the moral of this post is that #1 I'm going to pray more, with a desire to connect with my Heavenly Father, #2 The Church needs to step up and say something about gay men marrying women, #3 I'm angry at the Church right now and I while I hold no bitterness (even though it sounds like it) I love that I grew up Mormon, I love that I served a mission and went to BYU. I even love that there are other gay Mormons like me who feel some of the same things I do. So I'm just going to go pray now.

All That Fits

2007-08-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've cried more in these past three months than I have ever cried in my whole life. It's really hard to be lonely, to feel lonely and to let my myself feel the consequences of my choices. I don't regret anything. I feel at peace with the divorce and with my present life choices, but I miss my wife. My heart feel torn apart and destroyed even. I'm at a loss for how to comfort myself. I spoke with a friend on the phone today who had lunch with my wife a couple of days ago. She mentioned that there was sadness and worry but that there was also a moving on in what my wife was going through. We haven't spoken in about a week and a half. I'm going crazy because I miss her to no end. I want my best friend back!

I know I can't have a divorce and a great relationship with my wife at the same time. I have faith that we'll be friends someday, that we can talk to each other on the phone and hang out in some semblance of what we use to have, but the truth of our current relationship strikes me with such sadness that I'm almost too shocked to do much else with my life.

And maybe that's the problem. I started my Doctorate program yesterday. I met my cohorts, the professors, the current students and got familiar with the curriculum. I keep asking myself why I'm going to school, why I'm going to more school.

It's crazy that I can feel so much pain and confusion, but still feel peace. Underneath it all I'm happy. I can stretch my arms out and look up to the sky and feel free and big and radiant. It's weird that so much juxtaposition is floating around in my heart. I'm crying and I'm relieved at where my life is at. I'm heartbroken and joyful all in the same breath.

Gay Culture Falls on Deaf Ears

2007-08-26T04:35:00.000-07:00

I worked with a guy three or four years ago who was gay and once at work he refered to the collective consciousness of homosexuals a "culture" or "the gay culture." At the time I challenged him on it. For me it was hard to believe that gay was a culture, like the latin culture, or even the Mormon culture. But a couple of years later I was introduced to a group of deaf people and suddenly I was saturated in the deaf culture.

All these deaf men and women who I was starting to associate were so proud of who they were, how they were brought up and what they were doing to spread the knowledge of thier deaf culture to all areas of their lives. At that time in D.C. at the school for the deaf called Gallaudet, the student body there were outragged at the announcement that there would be a new dean who was a deaf woman who was "reformed" as she put it. She had been born deaf, but she had since learned to speak and communicate with out using sign language through the use of technology and various proceedures. For the students of this school their culture was being threatened.

Their identity, the things they thought about, talked about, stood for and planed for, were being questioned and being looked at as second rate. Most of these same student who were fighting to have this particular dean removed from her position in the school had the same opportunities that this woman did. They could have learned to speak and aclimate themselves to the hearing world, but they didn't want to. They felt connected to the deaf culture, they thought that the sign language they were using and the gestures and manerisms that were specific to them and their culture were just as valid as any other form of speak and they didn't see any reason to give into the mentality that their culture as deaf men and women was less valid than that of someone that can hear.

I've thought a lot about that incident since that time. And in thinking about the deaf cutlure I draw a lot of parallels to gay culture as well. Some might say that being gay is a disability, and maybe it's true, it was a definate handicap in my marriage and in my relationship to the way I have a lack of sexual interest in women, but that doesn't mean that my choices are any less valid than the choices of someone who is straight. I didn't choose to be gay, and regardless of if I was born gay or not, I know it's not a choice, and I know that it's not going to change. And within that structure of thought I see clearly the collective connection I have with other gay men and women who have the same stories, fears and desires as I do.

Just as the Church has made special wards and branches for deaf people to accomodate the deaf culture, what is the Church doing about the gay culture? Why shouldn't there be a gay ward? There are gay bishops and gay stake presidents in the Church (not out, but gay nonetheless). There are enough gay members and 90% of the gay population in the Church leave the Church because they feel like there is no place for them. Why push these sons and daughters of God out of the Church when it would behoove every member of the Church to open their hearts and minds around the concept of what it means for someone to grow up gay and to embrace the gay culture for what it is and what it is not and just love without judgement.

How much more amazing would the Church be if they just accepted gay men and women just as they accept straight men and women and hold them to the same standards of monogamy and family and Church callings? The Church isn't doing any good by ignoring the problem and tolerating the presence of gay men and women who have so much to offer in service of others and the Lord.

I'm proud to be part of the gay culture, and I'm also proud to be part of the gay Mormon culture. And just as those student at Gallaudet University fought for a culture that they feel so connected with and proud to be a part of, I too am willing to stand up for what I believe and ask why there isn't more acceptance for gay families and gay men and women who are in monogamous relationships to be welcomed into the Church with open arms.

Gay Companions 4eva!

2007-08-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

This will be the last of my San Francisco chronicles, I promise. Another reason why I had such a great time there was because I met up with a mission companion that I hadn't seen in eight years! He and I were together four months and we had the best time. I was sent to him having recently been made senior companion, but I had only been out in the field for about two months. He was new as well and our energy together was pretty amazing. Having a companion that you can laugh with and have fun with, even when you're dying from walking under the hot sun and dust filled air all day. He and I were just so cool together.

Once we had this "falling out" (over post-its) and he was getting on my case about saying something to an older sister member in our ward. And I felt like his accusation was a little off and I remember arguing with him about it and noticing how intensely stubborn he was and the more I got frustrated I realized that I was just as stubborn as he was. We of course resolved it, but I remember him saying some pretty hurtful things to me and even still to this day it's kind of hard for me to forget, not that I feel like I'm still hurt by them but I sometimes think about what he said to me when that particular theme comes up in my life.

I remember one time when we were changing out of p day clothes and I looked over at him getting ready to get into the shower and I had a hard time not wanting to keep looking. But I was a good missionary and felt like I kept integrity in good standing with what I was trying to accomplish as a missionary.

Anyway, when I first moved to New York to start school I had recently become a married man and I got an email from my companion filling me in on his life, in the email he told me that he was gay and that he and his boyfriend were living together. Part of me felt so overjoyed that he was gay, and it was a big shock to me. I have excellent gaydar and he completely escaped my speculation. But there was also a piece of me that felt bad for myself. When I read about his life and read about what he was doing and how he felt about everything I got jealous. I felt like I had become someone that other people wanted me to be and I wanted so baldly to be the person that I wanted to be. I wrote him and told him how proud I was of him, and how much I loved and supported him and I hinted that I had some of the same issues, but because I was married I felt like it was inappropriate to engage in that kind of a conversation.

Well, we lost contact and then recently when I left New York and was separated from my wife, I found my old mission journal and I looked him up and called him. It was like nothing had ever changed. We laughed and shared some really good moments over the phone and I came out to him and he gave me some good advice as to how to handle my new identity as a gay man. I told him of my plans to go to San Francisco and he mentioned that he was going to be in town that same weekend. So when I was there we met at Dolores park, had an ice cream and just talked. He looked pretty much the same except 20 pounds heavier and he just looked more at peace and more settled. He has a great job, he and his boyfriend are doing really well and I'm just really proud of him. And come to find out, his boyfriend lives like 30 mins from where I'll be starting school.

I feel really blessed that I got to meet him and that we were able to talk and share things about ourselves that we otherwise were not able to share. He's such a good and honorable person. He's sweet and kind and real. I love him and am so happy that he is happy. I was thinking back on how fast time goes. Life is too short to live for the Church, or to live for my family. I have to live for me. My companion and I were the best of friends on the mission, we were the best missionaries we could be and now that we are off the mission and even have left the Church so to speak, I have a sure knowledge that we are who Heavenly Father wants us to be. God would be unhappy with me if I had decided to stay married and pretend like I was straight. And God would have felt unhappy with my companion if he had stayed in the Church out of fear or out of a desire to serve his family.

It was hard to say goodbye and it was crazy that we hadn't seen each other in so long and he had to hurry to catch a flight. When we were talking and saying our goodbyes I asked him how he met his boyfriend and he mentioned that he had met him on a website and I was curious which website it was and he got embarrassed and I was like "hey, look at me and my life. There is nothing to be embarrassed about!" He consented to tell me with his face red he said that they met on Bear411.com. I laughed really hard, because I would have never thought of him as a bear, but looking at the extra pounds he had put on I can see why. I won't tell you his screen name although it's almost as funny as the site, but I can't judge because he's the one with the man.

Facing Gay Mormon

2007-08-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

The other part of my trip that I wanted to talk about was Carl Lynn Pearson's play Facing East. I got a call from "Stripping Warrior" when I was in San Francisco and he told me that since I was there that I should go and see Facing East. I was so glad that he called me because otherwise I don't think I would have seen it. And I had plans to hang out with "Gay Mormon" who goes by the name of James and so I mentioned that we see Facing East. The combination of such encounters was pretty amazing.

Gay Mormon (his link is to the right) was THE gay Mormon blogger. When I logged on and did a search for gay Mormon men who were struggling with identity, spirituality, acceptance and every day jargon, I found James. He was the guy that inspired me to start my blog. He has since taken long pauses in between his posts, which made it even more exceptional to see him face to face and to truly feel how happy he was. We had talked on the phone and emailed and shared a lot of each others stories but we never had the opportunity to meet up.

So when I arrived at the play I was nervous and excited to finally meet the guy who inspired me to blog and said blog eventually led to me becoming more accepting of myself and more of an advocate for my wife's happiness and because of it I'm happier than I have ever been and my wife and I are closer than ever and she is in such a good place. I guess that's a lot of responsibility to place of James' shoulders, but he was definately part of the process. I respect him for the way that he has handled his challenges and how he has been able to find happiness where people claim there is none.

Anyway, while I was waiting for him I was sitting outside of the theater in the hall way and I noticed that Carol Lynn Pearson (author of the play and of the AMAZING AND IMPACTFUL book "No More Goodbyes") was sitting just inside the doors organizing her book display. I immediately felt myself get emotional and super excited because I was going to meet a woman who is not only a pioneer in the Church for homosexual men and women, but who is elevating the consciousness of the entire Church with her works and words of unconditional love and acceptance. She has not only ispired me to be more compassionate with myself, but she has ispired members of the Church to embrace more fully and with more charity. She's just so great! And when she came out into the hallway I went up to her and told her thank you for writing her book and without hesitation she gave me a huge sincere hug and asked me with such intensity how I was and I was proud to tell her that I was great and amazing and that I had never felt more peace in my life. She listend to me tell my story about me and my wife and she was thrilled that we are still close and still best friends. She asked about my parents (and I'll save my response for another entry because I don't want to get into that now) and how they were handling "it," and she just made me feel...the spirit. Like I've never felt the spirit before in a long time she made me feel loved and appreciated.

She led me to her son who was sitting down and she introduced him as her and Gerold's son (the man who she was married to before he came out of the closet and she eventually took care of him while he died of AIDS). It was amazing to look into his face and see the way that he respected his mother and how proud he was to be his father's son. Just humbling and inspiring. And then I met James. He was a lot taller than I expected, and he was a lot nicer than I thought he'd be. We didn't have a lot of time to talk before the show started, but watching that play sitting next to him almost made my journey and the journey that I was watching on stage even more meaningful.

The play was well written and yet somewhat dramatic in places that maybe were a little over the top, but all in all it was excellent and the point of love and acceptace really hit home to everyone in the audience. It was weird to just sense who was a member of the Church and who wasn't by the people who laughed at certain "Mormon" themed jokes and who didn't get them. But one thing that was consistant was that everyone was touched in a humbling way. There was a guy who was sitting behind me who sobbed through the whole thing. It was a sad play, but the end brought a lot of hope.

When I was talking to Carol Lynn Pearson about it before the show started she said that her Stake President and Bishopric and other members of the Church came to opening night and were all very supportive and interested in how they could be better advocates for gay members of the Church who are suffering from the effects of being brought up in a Church that teaches a lot of self-hate if you are a homosexual. I was glad to hear that her Church leadership was so supportive and that people in her ward were willing to come and see what her play was about. And that they actually liked it and thought it was important.

Afterward I ate with James and we talked about how far we've come, how our families are reacting to our different situations. We talked about dating guys and going out and what that's like being new to the "scene." We talked a lot about the Church and then again we just talked about normal work, life stuff. He's just a fantastic person and reallly fun to be with. I wish we could have had more time to hang out. But I'm so glad I finally got to meet him.

I feel like I've come to an awesome place in my life. The world is open ahead of me. I'm free and I'm healthy. I have a lot of love in my life and a lot of things to look forward to. And more than ever I am determined to be an advocate for homosexual men and women in the Church who are suffering from feelings of low self-worth and depression along with every other obstacle there is when you are gay and Mormon. Being in San Francisco and seeing Facing East and being able to meet James was much needed. And just when you thought that I've said everything about my trip, I still have one more thing to write about, so more to come...

San Fran

2007-08-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I just got back from San Francisco and it was a pretty good trip. I have a lot to write about and I might have to go through my excursion in segments as to give the full breadth of my experience.

I stayed with an amazing girl when I was up in S.F. She and I had the same internship in New York and for a year we kept each other entertained while also learning a whole lot about our field and about each other. I never came out to her as a gay married man, but she and I were close enough that she had an idea of what was going on with me, so when I called her a couple of months ago to fill her in on what was going on she was really proud of me. She loves my wife as well, and I think that added to the excitement. I mean if you love someone and care about them and their spouse, why wouldn't you be overjoyed that they have decided to set each other free from trying to fit into an uncomfortable and pointless mold? Her support meant so much to me and being as though she is the most empathic person I have EVER met, it helped to be around her and to talk about all of the huge changes that are going on in my life.

Being as though this was my first time in San Francisco, I was game for anything and for better or for worse, she lived on Castro street and if any of you know about S.F. you might be familiar with the fact that the Castro District is where all the gay clubs, gay bars, gay shops, gay restaurants, gay karaoke bars, gay movie theaters, gay houses, gay dogs, gay subway entrances, gay flags (lots and lots of gay flags) and actual gay...people. The first night there was walked down her street to a gay bar and danced our freakin' heads off. It was so much fun. She and I were and still are obsessed with the Rihanna Umbrella song that is popular right now, and when they played that song on the dance floor the two of us went crazy. I started dancing with a guy there who asked me where I was from and I told him Utah and he pointed to his friend and told me that his friend was from Utah as well. So I start talking to his friend and come to find out of course he is Mormon, of course he served a mission and the two of us just laughed at the situation. Here we are dancing with our sweaty bodies moving together on the dance floor in a gay bar in San Francisco and one of the first two people that I talk to there is a gay Mormon like myself. They are everywhere!

The next couple of days I saw a whole bunch of stuff, Embarcadero Center, Lombard Street, Ghiradelli, Dolores Park, and that cool park that was featured in the opening credits of Full House. S.F. is amazingly beautiful. Oddly enough, I've never seen so many homeless people in my life. It was a little annoying. I mean I feel compassion when there is like one or two, but when there are like 45 transients standing around asking for money, I feel a little overwhelmed. But the city was cool and I was feeling it. Everyone there was so nice. It was a nice city. Actually, now that I think about it, the guys in the club were really nice to me, but it seemed like everytime I told them that I wasn't living in the city, they were kind of dissapointed and didn't want to really engage anymore, which I thought was a little odd considering that if they wanted to hook up wouldn't someone from out of town be a good option? But I probably attracted guys that weren't the one night stand guys, which sterotypically I thought would be the case. Not that I wanted to hook up, but I was interested in how the dynamics of the club/bar scene was. Does that make sense?

I just had a really good time and there's actually a lot more to tell, but I've got to go so I'm gonna wait and tell what happened on the rest of my trip hopefully tomorrow.

See Sicko Now!

2007-08-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

I saw Sicko last night and I cried in a way that I haven't ever cried before. I was touched and overwhelmed by such beautiful examples of human beings and amazing systems of health around the world where people are not only the most prized resource, but are given the chance to have more years on their life!

Health Insurance Companies are disgustingly greedy and even without seeing this movie I've felt a deep desire to make health care free to EVERYONE, regardless of how fat their check books are. My heart aches for people of the nation that I love so much who don't have health care, who can't afford medications that will save their lives, or who choose to use their life savings and in turn become bankrupt because they can't afford to keep their house and get treatment.

Go see Sicko! Please, if you care about our nation and you care about our government and the way the greedy politicians are controlling our ability to feel safe and healthy, please see this movie.

I'm not a huge fan of Michael Moore, but after seeing this movie I can't deny that what he is saying in this film is one of the most important messages to our nation today.

This website is amazing onecarenow.org and it's time to take this issue seriously!

Coming Out Into Peace And Love

2007-07-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post a section of an email that I wrote today to a friend who happens to be an amazing guy. He had recently talked with me about the possiblity of coming out to his sister, and he wrote me an email about actually coming close to talking about his sexuality with her. I hope I said the right things, and I hope that I was able to convey the message that he has nothing to fear when coming out to his family, only the intention that he will gain a closer and more loving relationship with those that love him so dearly. Parts of my email are as follows:

"That was a little unexpected that you almost came out to your sister, but definately a good thing. It's so interesting that once you start thinking about coming out and looking forward to being honest and truthful about yourself to other people that situations start poping up where you keep getting the chance to actually say what you've kept hidden for quite awhile.

It's good that you are thinking about coming out to her first. Having her on your side and being able to comunicate to her that you trust her and that you count her as a resource will be good for her to hear and good for you to have.

And since you asked for my advice...
First and foremost, I would set an intention for whatever conversation you are having with people who you are coming out to. Set the intention specifically that you will feel good about the conversation when it's over, that you want to share your life with those that love you the most, and that you are expecting to feel unconditional love and gratitude for the opportunity to grow as a son, brother and friend.

I'd most definately keep it positive. You might cry and you might feel really vulnerable, but you should also be able to express to whomever you are coming out to that you are happy and that you always plan on being happy. You should be able to convey how you've, of course, had some times of struggle with your sexuality, but that being able to talk about it and share it with those you love is such a positive moment that you've intended for yourself. Be grateful to her, to Heavenly Father, and to your family when you tell her. Your gratitude will only make the experience of coming out a positive one.

Most importantly, don't feel like you have to have any answers that you aren't prepared to give. If she or someone else asked you what your plans are and what you are going to do about your future, just feel good about saying "you know what, coming out has been such a big part of my focus that I don't have those answers right now and I'm just trusting that the Lord will guide me and give me whatever guidance He feels that I need when I need it." You don't have to know everything, and you don't have to feel pressured to say that how you are going to handle your situation specifically one way or the other.

Good for you! I'm really proud of you and the way you are handling this. You're such a great guy and your family is so lucky to have you. You will only grow and learn from this situation because you are coming out of love and out of an intention to be close to those that care the most about you."

Coming out is such an intense process. You can feel so vulnerable, so expossed and so embarassed. It's almost like you're heart is being ripped out of your body for display. But it doesn't have to be entirely painful, it can also be a tender and special moment. The spirit can be present and feelings of peace and comfort will accompany you with the focus that you are trying to be more honest and more connected with those that you love. I think about family bonds and the feelings that parents have for their children and that siblings have between each other and I would feel so awful if I kept my sexuality a seceret to those that mattered most in my life.

It's not easy to be honest, and it's challenging to tell people that you're gay, but thinking about the blessings that come from being able to share something so personal and so intimate is part of our earthly experience and part of our progress and our ability to vibrate and feel a sense of peace and gratitude for the lives that we've been given.

To my friend who I sent this email to, I love you and pray that you'll be able to feel comforted and to have your intentions fulfilled by this amazing oportunity to grow as a child of our Heavenly Father. I'm proud of you!

Livin' Like A Kitty

2007-07-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

I didn’t really do anything today and I’m okay with that. I feel like I’m to the point where I can forgive myself for not squeezing the life out of everyday, and filling in every second with things and tasks and errands. I’m secure with my uneventful life right now. The way I look at it, I’ve been through so much in the past year that I have no problems with taking it easy whenever I feel like it.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of days ago and he asked me what I had planned for the following day and I said “nothing!” He was a little thrown off with my answer because he’s the kind of guy that has to fill every minute with work and productivity. I’m just not like that and I’m starting to own it and it’s fun.

One thing I did take care of today was starting to fill out my portion of the divorce papers. I’m sure there’s a lot more to do, but the initial paper work that I had to fill out is done and sent off to the attorney. When I first got the papers I felt a little sad and I felt a moment of loss, but getting them sent of today made me feel once again that we are doing the right thing.

And after I sent off the papers I took a little trip over to Petco and watched all the cute kitties live thier lives. Cats are so freakin’ cute! I love watching them just “be.” I guess that’s how I feel when I don’t try to fill my day with useless amounts of busy work, I feel like a cat who is just...being.

The Science of Lust

2007-07-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

When I was about seven years old I was sexually molested by an older cousin. He was bigger than I was, more popular and (in my opinion) better looking. It started innocently and ended up being the most confusing and painful even of my life, until now. I sometimes wonder how much my sexuality is in direct correlation with the events of my childhood. In what I've studied, sexuality is determined by age three. If that's the case then it wouldn't matter what had happened to me when I was a young kid.

Since then I've thought of a million ways to rid myself of what I thought was a defect or an abomination. Since that time I had thoughts of nothing else but extracting my lustful homosexual tendencies from my life. And the only thing that seemed to work was to pretend they weren't there. I didn't have to let others know I was struggling inside with feelings of inferiority or self-loathing and shame. No one had to know that I had secret fantasies of kissing boys that I knew at school and looking for ways to sneak views of the guys in the shower after P.E. I held it all inside, and it worked. Sometimes when I thought of the repercussions of someone finding out about my sexuality I felt relieved that I was able to keep it a secret. I looked at the guys in junior high and high school who were feminine and I looked down on them. I felt more superior because I was able to act straight enough and get by just enough so that people wouldn't question my sexuality.

I was in high school when I couldn't keep myself from wanting to look at pornography. I would go to Barnes and Noble and steal photography books of naked men and take them home to masturbate with. One day when I was looking in the Gay and Lesbian section of the bookstore I sensed that there was a guy looking at me and that he was also focused on the same homosexual shelf that I was. He looked at me and said "are you gay?"

"I don't know," I stammered

"Do you want to go talk?"

With major apprehension and huge amounts of excitement I said "yeah, I think so."

We left the book store and turned the corner. Standing in an alley way we talked about being gay and what it meant for him and what I felt about my current struggles of feeling attracted to men. He was in college and told me about how he and I could get together and experiment sexually in a private place. He was kind of cute and had a nice body, and when we started talking I immediately got an erection. I told him I'd think about it and that we could meet another day. The following week I ended up getting a blow job from him behind a local elementary school parking lot.

I didn't ever see him again because I felt shattered. After all this time of keeping it all in, I had sinned. My fantasies were no longer just in my head, but I had actually engaged in a lustful act with a guy. I liked it, I hated it, I was ashamed and I was heartbroken. I vowed from that day on that I was going to be better, and that I was going to be as straight as I possibly could. I felt that the only way I could make it right was to never look back. I was determined to go on a mission and get married and that I would do it at any cost.

I think about my younger self and feel such feelings of love and tenderness. I shutter to think of the horrible feelings I inflicted upon myself and I'm amazed that I survived without too much damaged done to my self concept.

And since then I've had to look at men and relationships in a different way. I use to think because of what I'd been told and by societal norms that being gay is wrong, that kissing a guy is a sin and that wanting to live my life with another man is unacceptable. It's hard to shift all of that toxicity at once. It's hard to focus on the beautiful parts of being gay and about being in a gay relationship. I'm not ready to start dating yet, but I still long for the companionship of a man. I want to be loved my a guy and feel intimate with a man. I want to be held and caressed by someone who loves me and who I love back. I want the attraction between me and my significant other to be equally as enticing as the spiritual and emotional connection we feel.

I know what lust feels like and this isn't it. I feel that more than anything I just want to feel at peace and I want to feel free and unconditionally loved. I'm starting to see my homosexual attractions as anything but lust, and in a way that completes the happiness in my life that I daily strive for.

The Stripping Warrior

2007-07-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's my pleasure to introduce to you one of the most amazing human beings I've ever had the pleasure of associating with. His name is Clark (his true photo is displayed here) and his most exceptional blog The Stripping Warrior has just officially launched!

I can't say enough good things about Clark, he is empathic, intelligent and an extreemely high vibrational spirit. In mentioning that he should start a blog I soon realized that his voice is going to make a great impact on anyone who reads it. His fire for life and his drive for joy and unconditional love is not only inspirational but deeply healing. I love him for his friendship and his ability to make me laugh in any circumstance, and I know that you'll feel what I mean by reading his first blog entry which is being posted here as my first guest blogger. Ladies and gentleman, with deep respect I give you Clark from his new blog The Stripping Warrior.

I sat in my empty house in Houston, TX shuffling through the white pages of the phone book. My dad was at work and my 6 siblings and my mom were all out of town on summer break. I was an 18 year-old pre-BYU student at the time; working at Dominos Pizza to save money for college. I was searching under the letter G for gay.

Gaylord, Gaynor.. wow. This is really ridiculous. Do I really think that I am going to find the words gay club………….713-come-out? Still I searched. What about H for homosexual.. hmm lets see. As I scanned the page something caught my eye. HATCH. That is all it said.

“You’ve reached the Houston Area Teen Coalition for Homosexuals. If you are interested in attending a meeting or speaking to someone please leave your name and phone number after the tone.”

The following day a man’s voice asked for Clark. “So, are you gay?” the man asked after some BRT’ing. A chaotic pause. “Yes,” I mustered. I had never met anyone who identified as gay before, and I was so stunned that a real actual gay person was talking to me on the phone.

My only other experience talking to a gay person on the phone was my version of phone sex. I was 16 years old and somehow had found a phone sex line that was not a 1-900 number but it was a long distance to somewhere in Indiana. I was like.. wow they must really have it going on in Indiana! Anyway, I just hoped my parents wouldn’t see the charges even though I was calling frequently asking men what it was like to be gay, and trying to figure out if I was gay. It was really hard to find someone who really wanted to talk, but occasionally I would find someone who was willing to talk to me. I remember feeling confused because I would ask these men if they were gay and many of them would say no. Eventually (of course) my parents found out, and that is a whole saga in itself. But I digress.

I attended my first HATCH meeting on a Sunday. I felt severely guilty about it. I remember attending church with my dad and then making some excuse as to where I was going that night. I felt at the time that going to a gay meeting on the Sabbath was far worse than gathering manna would have been for the Israelites, but on the other hand, my gay ox was definitely in the mire.

I still hadn’t officially told anyone in Houston that I was gay. Several months earlier I had had this moment where I stared into the mirror in my bathroom and looked deeply into my own eyes and said, “I’m gay.” I realized at the time that what I was doing was a little cheesy and overdramatic but I felt in that moment that it was warranted. I guess it could have always been more so.. I mean, I could have turned on “Close Every Door” from Joseph in the background, or worse yet, “I Will Survive.” So don’t judge.

I won’t share all the sordid details of my first gay “kiss” with someone from the group. (basically getting a tongue plunged into my adenoids after watching “Funny Girl” for the first time) But after a while I started hanging out with another guy in the group who was about my same age. We spent a lot of time together and our relationship was very sexually charged. One Sunday I attended a non-denominational church with him and his extremely homo-aware but homophobic mother. Later that day I took him to church with me. Over the sacrament hymn, the bishop eyed me in that “I totally have the gift of discernment right now” look. I stared back as if to say, “I’m ok with that.” After the meeting the ward clerk told me the bishop wanted to have a brief interview with me that evening. I obliged.

“Clark, how are you doing with masturbation?” the bishop asked. I had actually never really spoken to him about this issue, but ironically since I had started spending time with my new friend I had not really felt any need to masturbate. I told him that I was doing really well with it. He continued that he only asked because sometimes masturbation can lead to other sins: mutual masturbation and then even more serious acts, such as homosexuality. “Are you serious?” I dubiously inquired. “Do you really think that masturbation can actually cause homosexuality?” By this time I had already read SW Kimball’s Crime Against Nature chapter of The Miracle of Forgiveness, so I was well versed with this developmental theory. The bishop seemed a little thrown off balance by my response. He cautiously asked me if I disagreed with that idea. Hmm. Should I try to present a more truthful view of homosexuality to this kind man who has the best intentions for me (by telling him I know I am gay), or should I shrug off the topic and go my merry way? “Yes I disagree with that idea,” I finally blurted out. “I know masturbation doesn’t cause homosexuality because I realized I was gay long before I ever masturbated.” Now he seemed even more shocked. He clearly hadn’t expected me to be so forthright or so self-aware for that matter.

In short order I told him about my involvement in HATCH, my necking and petting with my new male friend, and everything else I had been hiding about my sexuality. I even told him about my first sexual experience a year earlier in a mall bathroom. It felt really good to share all these things with this good man, although he seemed very heavy as the details of my late adolescence poured out. His suggestions seemed normal to me: separate myself from my gay friend, don’t attend any more meetings, and prepare for my time at BYU. He told me that he had no wish to withdraw my ecclesiastical endorsement; he felt that I needed to attend BYU. But he did tell me that the things in which I was participating were serious and could keep me from attending BYU. His only other question was this: “When are you going to tell your parents?” I told him that I had no plan to break my parents’ hearts as I was sort of the golden boy in the family at that point. I told him I didn’t want to do that to them. He looked at me squarely. “As your priesthood leader I strongly council you to tell them as soon as you can.” He had said this so soberly that I felt very impressed that this was a really important piece of instruction. We ended the interview shortly after that.

Thirty minutes later I gathered my dad and my mom (now returned from family vacation). We sat down on their bed in the master bedroom and I told them I had something difficult to tell them. I have no idea what they expected. They were a lot more scared than I was in that moment. I was just riding on the strength of the bishop’s council. “I’m not sure if you already know this, but I have homosexual tendencies.” They both sat stunned. My mom spoke first: “I just don’t understand this. I have been with you every day of your life—I have raised you and I know every influence that you have ever been under. How could this have come into your life?” My dad just sat there looking sort of numb. I told them I didn’t want to tell them this, that the bishop had advised me, and that I was sorry if they felt disappointed. I felt really responsible to validate my parents in that moment. I didn’t want them to feel like bad parents, and I guess I innately knew that my mom especially might go there. I told them that this wasn’t their fault. “Well we can fly you to Utah tomorrow so you won’t see this boy anymore,” my mom suggested after I told them more of the details of my situation. I told her that I didn’t need to run away from anything and I would leave for BYU as we had planned. After a while my dad finally said, “Clark, we will always love you and I know that this is going to be ok.” He didn’t seem to be emotionally stirred, but just took it into stride. Thus we concluded our family council.

Later my dad explained to me that he felt a huge panic coming on after I told them about my “challenge”. He said he really started to feel lost and hopeless but then suddenly he felt the Spirit tell him that I would be alright. He calmed down. I had had terrible visions of my parents rejecting me, of my parents breaking down in tears, and many other night-marish things that could have occurred. I was extremely happy that it went as well as it did.

3 weeks later I was on a plane to Provo, Utah to start my first year of college.

The Highest Vibration Possible

2007-07-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

Having this new outlook on life has been really amazing for me. I’ve felt extremely blessed and overwhelmingly comforted as I’ve moved away from the identity of a gay Mormon guy who is married to a woman, to the identity of a man who is committed to living in a way that is causes my spirit to vibrate at the highest frequency possible.

Through all of the suffering and trauma that my divorce and coming out of the closet has given me I have found a way to not just survive and endure to the end, but to truly live in a way that makes my life vibrate with joy and gratitude. All of us are spirits within physical bodies. And everything that exists holds energy. When we interact with the spirit we feel a vibration, we can’t see it, but the vibrations cause us to know that it is effecting our spirits and communicating truth.

The highest vibration that can be felt is unconditional love, that means unconditional love for yourself, for others and for the Universe, and the lowest frequency is guilt. To live in a way that fosters guilt and shame only causes my spirit to vibrate at a lower functioning vibration. And if I choose to unconditionally love myself as God does then I will only vibrate at a more evolved and higher frequency. Living life with the intention to vibrate causes my cognition to be clear and active, my body to feel alive and strong and it causes me to feel the kind of joy that continuously flows feelings of peace into my heart and mind.

There is a Taoist concept of “being in the flow,” which means to be in harmony with the Universe. I know that the Lord loves us so much and that He has given us creative powers so that we can participate and have an active relationship with the Universe. There is so much to learn and to be happy about, there is so much to hold close and to breathe in with gratitude and reverence. I feel so alive thinking about all the blessings that have been given to because I’ve asked my Heavenly Father to allow me to vibrate and to allow my wife to vibrate.

The phrase “ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you” is true. I use to think that I had to do what I thought the Church wanted and what I felt my parents expected of me. I did feel pressure to be the kind of return missionary that my converts would expect my life to be. I had a lot riding on the outward appearance of my life. Being married was not only a religious commandment, but a way to survive in a world that I wasn’t vibrational to my sprit.

The Lord listened to the intention of my soul. He has sustained me through this intensely critical time and has given me reason to be overwhelmed with gratitude and unconditional love. I feel whole and I feel committed to doing everything I can to make my life vibrate and to allow myself to live with the intention of choosing to live my life focused on love and trust for the highest possible vibration that my soul can handle.

Simple and Easy

2007-07-17T22:30:00.001-07:00

It's scary to feel good. I think that we are terrified to feel overjoyed and to feel what it is like to be unconditionally loved. And because it's scary and because there is a lot of responsibility that comes with such intense happiness, we trick ourselves into thinking that struggling through life is safe. Most human beings are addicted to struggle and drama which causes us to sabotage our spirit's efforts to help us make our lives simple.

Christ already told us that he's taken our burdens so they will be light. I don't think that God has ever said to us that we could not become whole in this lifetime. I am gay and being gay doesn't mean that I'm not normal. Being gay doesn't mean that I'm any less than a straight man or woman. Christ has told us that "when he shall appear, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may be purified even as he is pure."

So why do we think that our lives are a big check list? We get to the mission and want to check it off the list, we wait for marriage so we can check it off the list, But we don't have to wait to check off a list to be our god-self, or our I-am-perfect-just-as-God-created-me self. We are whole in this moment, we've just forgotten.

It is my belief that we don't have to go through pain in order to learn lessons and that we do not have to walk through fire in order to be cleansed. We don't have to live our lives feeling guilty and inadequate. I use to feel like I had to marry a woman in order to stand blameless before God or that I wasn't a good person if people knew I was gay. But now I know that hardships and struggles aren't the only way to fulfill the measure of our creations.

In the Church we hear about trials as if they are the ticket to learning. And people speak of "struggles" like masochistic tendencies are the resources we need in order to live the gospel correctly. We are taught that the pain that comes from challenges is the refiners fire, or the sanctification through intense suffering.

But if there is a lesson we need to learn then we can either choose to learn it through struggle and pain or simple and easy.

When we can admit to ourselves that we deserve to have our spirits learn through easy and simple ways, what we do will be easy and simple. We will be able to look at our lives and see that we've made our path and relationships harder than they need to be.

It is time to simplify our lives and to move into the intention that life can be an experience of learning through joy instead of pain, and that we can live in a gay relationship and and still serve God in humility and be Christ-like.

The Truth About Homosexuality

2007-07-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

I think homosexuality is beautiful. I feel that the need to be connected to anyone is so important that it can't be ignored. When there is a desire to be close to someone because you are motivated to have a family with them, surround yourself with their life and have them share in your heartaches and triumphs, then that is a desire that shouldn't be ignored. So why does the Church say that those desires are wrong? And not only wrong, but 'abominable' and 'wicked' if they happen to be with someone of the same sex?

When we feel sad and guilty about being gay, about having homosexual inclinations then intuitively the shameful feelings we feel are letting us know that it is not true that we have to feel guilty about our same-sex attractions. If our guilt and shame were good for us and true, then it wouldn't be painful, we would feel peace and we would have a confirmation by the spirit that it's okay to feel guilty about being gay because we would feel satisfied with the guilt we feel for having same-sex attractions.

If the negative beliefs that we feel about being gay are true, then we wouldn't be feeling negative emotions. We would feel satisfied. We would feel totally okay because we are tapping into our true identity. The reasons we feel negative emotions about being gay is because we are believing what is not true, and it is very uncomfortable to exist in a lie. The negative emotion is meant to be a warning bell ringing within us and sending a message: "Warning! What you are currently believing and thinking about your sexuality is a lie! Continue to believe and think that homosexuality is wrong and you will feel worse and worse."

Our culture and society place judgment on us for having these feelings toward other members of our same gender. We can know homosexuality is good for homosexual men and women to experience because it feels good physically, emotionally, intellectually and so on and so forth. What feels wrong are the voices from our culture and society that cause us to feel guilt or shame, but that shame doesn't come from within us, it comes from an outside perspective of trying to fit into a society that isn't forgiving of things that are different.

Amazing Support

2007-07-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was able to see a buddy today that I hadn't seen in a very long time. He heard about my wife and I getting a divorce and he text me to see if I was ok. It just so happend that we were going to be in the same exact place at the same time, and so we met up for tea and just talked for hours.

We had a lot to discuss. I told him everything about the divorce and he gave me the run down on his life, and it was just really fun to feel supported and loved from a friend that I hadn't seen in over three years.

We knew each other the summer before my wife and I moved to NY. He was her co-worker and we all got a long so well that we started hanging out with him everyday. We had so many activities planned with him that I started calling him the "cruise director" because he always had awesome activites planned for us.

I always knew he was gay and he always knew I was gay, but we didn't ever talk about it. It wasn't awkward though, because it always felt like each of us had an "open door policy" that we could have (if we needed or wanted) talked to each other about it. He was trying to be really into the Church and obviously I was trying to live up to my expectations for myself within the Church and both of us recognized that we were going through the same kinds of issues back then, but didn't ever discuss it until today.

It was just so good to see him and look into his face and see him happy, and it was also amazing to see him happy for me. He has since been with his boyfriend for two years, and is doing really well. He said that when he heard the news about me and my wife that he was so overjoyed because he knew that my wife would finally be able to live her life in a way that wasn't damaging to her self-esteem, and he also said that he was so happy for me because he knew that I could start living without tring to fit into a box that wasn't healthy.

His reaction was so great for me to hear. I'm tired of people saying how sad it is that my wife and I are getting divorced and how devistated they are for us. We are amazing. My wife is at peace. I'm at peace and I genuinely feel this celebratory impulse to let everyone know how great the divorce is going. And it was good that he already assumed that and shared his excitement for me. I need that right now. I just want people to be happy for me and happy for my wife that she doesn't have to be married to a gay man anymore. She can live her life and I can live mine. It's great.

Non-Profit Aims To 'Cure' Homosexuality, Protesters Disagree

2007-07-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

So basically, ever since I got to BYU I started hearing about the ever lucid and controversial organization of "Evergreen International" or as most people refer to it as simply Evergreen. I'm being honest when I say that I've never heard one positive comment from those who have gone to an Evergreen meeting. For the record, I've never attended any of their meetings, but have heard a bunch of stories from men and women who have.

I know that it's difficult to place judgement on an organization that I've never personally attended, but because of what's going on in my life, and the life of my amazing soon to be ex-wife, I feel like I've become an advocate for women who feel like they should marry gay men. My opinion is simple, and it may not be what some people are comfortable with, but I want every woman who is considering to marry a gay man to RUN FOR HER LIFE! And I sincerely mean that. There's no reason why a woman should try to force herself into a marriage that is full of homosexual thoughts, desires, and tendencies. It's not an environment for love to flourish and it's not an environment where self-esteem and self-worth can thrive.

Obviously I have some experience with this issue, and I know that I may be biased. And what about the gay men who are planning to marry a woman? Well I would have to give the same advice, but I do see that it's more complicated than just running away. Gay men want to marry women for various reasons. Some of them good and most of them honorable, but I see now that life isn't about tolerating relationships and sexual connections with a spouse who you are not organically attracted to, it's about LIVING! You can't live your life if you are constantly stifling impulses and feeling guilty for not feeling other unnatural impulses.

But I guess that's another post for another time. What I wanted to write about is the Fox report on how Evergreen International says it can help people overcome homosexuality, and how Lester Leavitt, who once turned to the organization for help, is saying now that for Evergreen International "there should be no reason for them to exist." I think it's important what he's saying, and I know that there are two sides to every story, but I just haven't heard anything positive about Evergreen so naturally it's easy for me to post something negative about them.

All I know is, my life is SO much happier, SO much brighter, SO much more filled with the spirit now that I am not trying to live contrary to how my spirit is programed. And I know that my wife says the same thing about her life. We are best friends, we always have been and always will be, and maybe that's why it's so easy for us to see our situation in such a positive light, because we haven't lost anything. In fact, we've gained out lives back.

Cuteness

2007-07-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

I took my godson to swimming lessons today. He was so cute and so brave in the water. I love spending time with him. He's like the cutest kid and the most entertaining companion.

I sat and watched all the other little kids while I was there at the side of the pool, and I just feel in love with each one of them. I can't wait to have kids someday. I'm going to be the most obsessed/obnoxious parent ever! It's gonna be awesome.

That's what kids get for being so cute.

Things I've Learned

2007-07-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of time to think, be it by force of life events, or a desire from my own self to seek progress for my soul.

What my journey has taught me:

When our belief systems accept that with spirit all things are easy and simple, our lives and all we do will become easy and simple.

Each of us chooses life adversities to perpetuate our growth and potential for more levels of light.

The more specific I am about what I want, the more specific I will receive what I want.

The Atonement means that I don't have to suffer because Christ suffered for me. I can choose to use the Atonement by setting my intention on positive things and not things that will cause me pain and set backs.

Every choice we make either drains our spirit or fuels our spirit.

I can't tell you how happy I am right now. I'm completely full of joy and peace. I made a choice that I was going to live my life and seek positive things into it. I set the intention to be whole and complete and peaceful with a connection with my Heavenly Father and a life that is amazing and fun to live. I use to think that this life was about suffering and enduring through the pain and anguish of random circumstances. But I now know that I can choose what I want to come into my life and I can heal myself through the Atonment and that through my positive intentions I am healed. And it's that easy.

2007-07-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

I hung out with one of my best friends in the whole world today. I seriously live for him! He inspires me to be better and to just love myself. He's truly accepting, and I feel like we're basically the same person, just in different existences.

We met in college and he was someone who supported me through my coming out process. He's been out of the closet since he was sixteen and has currently been with his boyfriend for a year and a half.

I just love him and look up to him on all levels. We literally just sat and talked all day long from sun up to sun down and into 1:00am the next day.

I feel so healthy right now because he not only loves me unconditionally, but he challenges me to be better. I've been speaking with him over the phone about the divorce and about everything I've been feeling, and since we've been in different states for the past four months, it's been awhile since we've seen each other. And finally today we got the chance to hang out.

He offered me to come and live with him until I start school in the Fall. I'm very very tempted. I mean there's nothing in UT for me, and I might as well feel somewhere that is non judgemental and completely supportive. I just need his energy right now. I love my family, but I think it's just hard for them to understand what I am going through. And for them it's just so tragic what I'm going through. And his positivity is what I wish my family had more of in this situation.

I thank the Lord for the amazing friend that he is and that I got the chance to talk and hang out with him all day long. He is one of the biggest blessings in my life and my intention is to always have him close to me.

Not A Good Day

2007-07-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

I feel devastated today. I've lost everything I've expected for myself. I had the dream life, the dream woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with and raise kids with, and that's all gone.

Ultimately, I know this is the right thing. I feel peace about it, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm amazing about how much good I feel and how sad I can be all at the same time. It hurts.

Home Of The Brave

2007-07-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

To celebrate the 4th of July I made a special trip to IKEA, because nothing says "I'm proud to be an American" more than shopping at a Swedish department store.

While there, I had the Salmon and it was pretty amazing. For only $5.99 you get a good piece of herb marinated salmon, country potatoes and steamed garden vegetables. So basically it's like really healthy and it doesn't cost a lot.

So once again, IKEA, another reason why I'm proud to be an American.

And just because I love this movie, Drop Dead Gorgeous has some really amazing phrases in reference to our Independence Day pride (go see the movie to get the full effect):

"U.S.A is a-OK."

"Amer I can."

Yeah, you have to see the movie to really do the quotes justice. I would have to say that Drop Dead Gorgeous is one of my favorite movies, and since it's the 4th of July go ahead and check it out for yourselves.

Happy 4th!

I'm So Blessed

2007-07-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

Last night when I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about the phone calls that I had made yesterday to friends who were in the dark about our situation. It was hard talking to them and explaining what my wife and I were going through, and then it was even harder telling them why.

If me and my wife getting a divorce wasn't shocking enough, me coming out of the closet in the same phone call was even more of a jarring astonishment. But truthfully, the friends that I had chosen to call and speak with about this matter already knew my situation. I mean when I came out to them in college it was a huge shock that I was gay because no one suspected it of me, but after being married for three years, they forgot that I was gay and just assumed that I was "dealing with it."

I guess I was "dealing with it" in my own way. And here I am today writing about it. And now my close friends know that my wife and I are getting a divorce, and they know that it's because I'm gay. I feel good knowing that they have a clear picture of what's going on, but it's just so definite now.

And so I had a big day yesterday talking to the close friends that I have and who have been trying to get a hold of us, but just couldn't get us to pick up the phone, and now they know why. I've felt so blessed because so many people have been understanding. I had a friend even ask if she needed to book a flight just so she could take care of me. I look to the Lord and thank Him profusely. I have so many amazing friends who love me and my wife so much and they have been so good to us and have offered true support and compassion for us.

And then there's my wife. She's worth more than gold and the truest treasure I've ever possessed. She makes me sing and she makes me shout praises to God for the support and the encouragement she has given me. I look at her and I'm overwhelmed with the strength she has given me. Here she is, grieving the loss of her husband, grieving a divorce and feeling so hurt because of what has happened to our marriage, and yet she has been so good to me.

She called today to tell me that the accounts were now separated and that she opened up her own account. She left me more money than she had taken for herself, and she didn't it with such love and compassion.

I thank the Lord once again for what is going on in my life. It seems incredible. It seems unbelievable that I have come so far and had suffered so much because of what my marriage brought to me and my wife. And yet were both smiling and both thankful for what we have been given. This is the most happy divorce I've ever witnessed. We are both sad for what we have lost, but so blessed for what we have been able to do for each other. We've given each other honesty and support, and a chance at living life to it's fullest.

Today was another good day, and it feels so good.

Gym Time

2007-07-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Today at the gym I had the hardest time getting my card to work correctly. The girl at the front desk was really friendly and tried to help me as much as possible, but after no avail, she just let me workout anyway regardless of the fact that it said I hadn't paid (which was wrong because I paid my membership a little over a week ago).

It's been awhile since I had a steady workout schedule. It feels good to be in a habit of going to the gym and getting my body to a healthier place.

While I was on the treadmill I started thinking about how different my life is from a month and a half ago. I'm completely different in a lot of ways, and my life looks almost unrecognizable. Going through this divorce has taught me so much. I've learned that I need to start trusting myself and allowing the spirit to guide me and to comfort me.

For so long I just shut everything out and couldn't allow myself to feel anything because I was afraid of what the outcome would be. And now that the outcome I dreaded has taken place, I feel relieved that it's over and look back and thank my Heavenly Father for what He has done for me in this past month. The blessings are innumerable and outrageous to think about:

I have my best friend back
I am starting to feel again
I'm learning how to trust myself
I'm starting a new life in a new city with new goals
I feel healthier than I've ever felt
I'm happy
I've embraced myself
I feel Heavenly Father's love.

I'm glad I have gym time to count my many blessings. Peace of mind and a hot body all for the price of $20 a month.

My Best Friend

2007-06-26T00:11:00.000-07:00

Today when I was talking with my wife on the phone we established once again that we were best friends. It's been a long time since we've been able to truly feel this way about each other. So much resentment had built up between us that it was hard to remember what had brought us together in the first place. We know now that our friendship and love for each other can't be compromised.

I respect her so much.

I always knew how amazing she was, but I was fearful of her reaction if she knew that I didn't want to be married anymore because of my homosexuality. I underestimated her ability to accept and love me, and now through it all, she has made me feel so loved and so accepted. She's been a huge support and an amazing resource for me being able to find my happiness again. And she has found a new sense of self. She no longer has to feel less of a human being because her husband isn't attracted to her. She no longer has to cry at night because she feels unloved and inferior. She looks forward to a future with a man who loves her both emotionally and physically.

Her therapist gave her a copy of Carol Lynn Pearson's book No More Goodbyes and since my wife has finished reading it, she has started to realize that there is more to life than forcing ourselves into boxes. My wife now is able to fully understand what my feelings for men mean, and how to not personalize them, but to allow me to be...me. Her book is amaizng, and really inspiring. I couldn't have read it at a more important time in my life. I gave it to my mom to read and she expressed so much love for me after she read it. I'm so thankful for Sister Pearson and her testimony of love, because she has truly blessed my life and the lives of those around me.

I've felt so blessed to have my wife's friendship, but it's also been hard because when we talk about the future, we don't see ourselves married. She's looking for a place of her own, and I'm in the process of going back to school and looking for my own place as well. It's sad, but as my wife said to me on the phone tonight; "you have to live your life." And as much as I don't really have the answers for what that means, I know that I am now capable of living my life to its fullest.

The Lord has blessed me tremendously. My family has been warm, my friends have been so giving and I have grown in ways that I don't even fully comprehend yet. I look back at the brick wall that I kept running into and couldn't climb and couldn't go around it. I just walked away. A gay man shouldn't be married to a woman, and I have a testimony of that now. It's not right for me, and while it may be right for others, I see myself being an advocate for those that were struggling through what I went through for the past couple of years.

And through it all, I have everything I've ever wanted, peace and love. And even though my wife will no longer be my wife, she will always remain my best and truest friend.

Peace and Moving On

2007-06-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm in still in UT. I've decided not to go back to my parents house. I'm going to live at my sister's place in Utah Valley. I feel a lot better here, and yet I miss New York City and I'm really longing for California.

I actually just got back from a quick weekend stay in Los Angeles. I was helping out my buddy with his business there and I just got back tonight.

When I was in California I was able to see my wife for the first time since our separation. I had lots of anxiety to deal with and a lot of emotions to worry about, but she's in a good place. She's amazing and I love her so much. She mentioned that she was a different person now, which I agree with.

Being married to a gay man was not the best situation for her. She became a person who was unwilling to trust, she became bitter towards me and our marriage. She hated herself and she hated anything that had to do with me feeling freedom on any level. She has been a rock for me during this time. I love her, and I miss her so much, but I know that we are doing the right thing. She said some of the most beautiful things she's ever said to me. She said "we were best friends before, and we were best friends when we were married, and I know that we are going to be able to stay best friends..." I love her for saying that. It's what I've always wanted for us.

I truly have a testimony that the Lord is watching over me. He listened to our pain and to our situation and he provided a way for us to progress and to flourish and to continue to live to fullest capacity of our souls. I'm clear now. I feel so much deeper, I'm not living in fear, and I'm not afraid of myself and my wife. And yet, through all of this I look back and I don't regret a thing. I loved being with her, but now that the responsibilities of marriage have been lifted from me, I feel a sense of relief.

Life is amazing. I'm happy and I'm sad, but I know I'm doing the right thing. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm doing something really right and really good. I'm at peace and I'm feeling a sense of completion.

Divorce is hard. Being married to a woman as a gay man is harder. Trying to tell my family that I'm getting a divorce because I'm gay is even harder than that, but slowly and with the Lord's help, I'm becoming who I need to be.

A Thank You For Scot And His Inspiring Family

2007-06-19T01:05:00.000-07:00

Even though this has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life, I know that I'm doing the right thing. My wife and I talk every day on the phone and some conversations are good, and others are really bad, but we are doing something about our relationship and that makes me feel closer to obtaining some sense of peace.

Tonight I had the amazing privilege of having dinner with Scot and his family. I can't tell you how fun it was. I felt so good just sitting with him and his partner and two of the most charming kids I've ever seen. Their life is a blessing, and I just want to publicly thank him for letting me see a glimpse into what I want my life to be like.

And I realize now that I'm free to think and feel on my own, without any pressure of unnecessary guilt, that I can have the life that I've always wanted. I want a family, I want kids, and I want a husband. I use to feel like getting a divorce from my wife was giving up a family, but now I see that I'm gaining my life. I'm able to freely act and think the way that makes me thrive and that allows me breathe with exceptional vibrancy. I don't want to live a life in the Church that makes me feel guilty for feeling love. I want to love a man, I want a man to love me, and I don't want to pretend any more that I'm a straight man and that I'm ok with the Church discriminating against homosexual couples.

I'm looking for peace. And I feel like everyday I'm getting a step closer. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ, but I don't think that Jesus would kick out a homosexual couple who practice monogamy and who have dedicated their lives and existence to their children and to the concept of a loving family. Jesus would accept them with open arms. So why won't the church?

There's a lot of things I have to do in order to get my life on the right track, but I feel action and momentum. It's been a long time coming. I've felt a lot of guilt and a lot of pain. I've felt trapped and I've felt overwhelmed with feelings of disgust for myself. But I'm done feeling that way. I'm ready to take risk after risk for the opportunity to live life to its fullest, and to look back at my life when it's over and feel like I did everything I wanted, and that I did everything I needed to do to build a life that I can be proud of.

Smile Like You Mean It

2007-06-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

Being separated is...great. I feel so relieved now that I don't have to see my wife's face everyday. Do I sound awkwardly ungrateful? I feel little touches of guilt once and a while, but all in all, I'm feeling really good. I like being separated. I like feeling like I have a wife, and that I don't have a wife at the same time. It's an odd situation to be in.

Living at my parents house = not so good. I love them, but they are my parents and they want me to of course be the little amazing Mormon boy that they've raised. I feel that they are disappointed in me. My dad hasn't said more than a couple of sentences when I'm around, and all my mom can talk about is how hard it's going to be if I get a divorce and have to be celebate because that's what the church teaches. Whatever. I don't really care if she keeps talking to me about it, or if my dad continues his silent treatment. I love them anyway, and they are supportive in thier own way.

Right now I'm just concentrating on "getting better" as my wife likes to say. She feels like I might be able to have a marriage with her if I sort out the things that I need to work on as a gay husband in a straight marriage. But I have a feeling that I won't be returning to the marriage any time soon. I love my wife, and that's what makes this all the harder. I'm unwilling to let her go, and she's unwilling to let me let her go. So here we are. We talk on the phone and have separate lives.

If she'd ask for a divorce then I'd gladly give it, but I don't think she's ready for that. The separation is giving us a lot of time to think about this, and to adjust to being sigle again. At least that's how I see it.

I spoke to my in-law's about our situation last week, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt like I needed to come out to her parents and let them know what was going on with me. My wife was too embarassed and too ashamed to tell them. So I spoke with them for about two hours and they have been really supportive. Oddly enough, my father in-law commented that if I was going to end it, that I should allow my wife to end it first, and make it look like it was her decision. I thought that was funny, a little awkward, but I had to laugh inside. I've been trying to do that for the past two years now...get her to end it.

I'm happy. I feel really good about the separation. I love my wife, but I also want her to be happier than she is when she's with her gay husband. I have hope that we are going to make the right decision.

And to everyone who has been worrying about me, thank you so much. My spine is healing, and I feel like I am to my old self again.

Separating

2007-05-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

My feelings can best be described by the photo to your left. The doctors appointments, the surgery, the recovery etc... has all been exhausting. I emotionally have given up, on my marriage, and on the gospel. I don't care if it's true or not. I don't care if I love my wife.

I'm flying to Canada to stay with my parents over the summer. My doctors have given me the go ahead to fly. My fight leaves in a couple of days. I quit my job because of my spinal cord fiasco, and since I'm off school till' September I thought it would be a good time to get away.

My wife isn't coming with me. We're separating. No definitive answer about divorce, but where separated as of a couple of days ago. Neither of us are happy about it. I am more drained than anything. I've been scared to death that I'm going to die, that I'm not going to walk again. I've been exhausted spiritually by trying to find meaning in prayer. I'm feeling a lot of desire to get away, and while my parents house isn't the best place to do that, I have no where else to go. But if there's anything that I feel might be beneficial, it's getting away from NY and from my wife, and just getting in touch with what my heart is trying to tell me.

These Last Couple of Weeks

2007-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

I started feeling weak in my legs these past months and I didn’t think anything of it. To be honest I’d been avoiding a lot, and my body fell into that category. After getting off the bus a couple of weeks ago I feel down onto the sidewalk and my legs weren’t responding as I thought they should. I was taken to the emergency room and at the time I was more embarrassed about falling down in front of a bunch of aggressive New Yorkers than I was worried about my body.

Come to find out, worrying about my body has just begun. They did an MRI and the doctor told me that I have a spinal tumor located on the outside lining of my spinal cord.

Since then I’ve been in and out of the hospital and I’ve been in and out of work and in and out of school, and all along I was worried about the decision to end my marriage, and now I’m contemplating what it will be like to never walk again.

They’ve determined that the tumor isn’t cancerous, but my spinal cord is really weak right now and I’m just doing what I can to survive.

I just wanted everyone to know that I’m ok. I really am doing well. I’m having a hard time, but I’m ok.

Dialogue

2007-04-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

“I think you’re wonderful,” she said.

“I think you’re wonderful,” responded Elbow

She gazed at his eyes for a good moment and asked, “what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. Do you?”

“I don’t want any answers” she sighed, “I just want you.”

“I want you too. I just don’t know if being with each other is good.”

She started to cry and covered her eyes with the blanket that was covering both of them.

“I love you,” Elbow said, “I just don’t know what to do with these feelings I have for men.”

“I could never leave you. I love you too much. If you wanted a divorce then you’d have to be the one to leave because I couldn’t do it,” she whispered

“I don’t know if I have the courage to do it either.”

Annoyed

2007-04-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

I’m so sick of being in New York. I once thought it was really exciting to get picked-up on by so many guys, but not now. I’m not in the mood, and I just don’t have the energy to feel what emotions it evokes in me. Sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes it’s draining, and other times it’s frustrating because I’m trying to mind my own business on the subway and read my book without someone trying to “inadvertently”/passive aggressively get me to validate their gay existence. “I know you're gay, you know I’m gay, our gaydar is working, but that doesn’t mean that we have to stare at each other until one of us gets off at the next stop.”

I guess I would rather some guy just come up to me and start a conversation like any normal person would do. Why the lingering? Why the awkward eye contact? I don’t get it, and I do it myself. Maybe that’s why it bugs me, because I admit I’ve been guilty at the cruising techniques in the past. Before I was married and in New York, I made eye contact with this guy and we started a conversation and we went back to his place and made out. But now my life is a little different. I can’t quite follow through with the situation I find myself in. Maybe that’s why it bugs me so bad.

It’s just started to get annoying and I don’t know what to do about it. On one hand the validation is nice, and so I look to see if the guy is indeed looking at me, and then when he continues to linger I feel like I want to run away, I guess there are times when the guy is really hot and I’m interested, but even then I feel like it’s very passive aggressive. Just talk to me! “I’m right here.”

I have a brain. I can converse with almost anyone, even to the point of being intellectually stimulating. I’m funny and I’m very empathic, so why are you staring at me like all I’m worth is the outer goods? Once again, I’m guilty of it as well, but some guys are ridiculous and I’m voicing how it makes me feel. I’m going through a hard time right now. My life is in shambles. I want to make the right decision, and it’s hard with a pack of gay wolves breathing down my neck. (OK, that was a little dramatic, but it’s a good visual).

2007-04-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

I see my life spread out before me, the edges of my existence reach at arms length and the width from side to side is the size of my arm span. The light reflects off the surface that captures information for me to look at in regards to where I am, where I’m going, and how I can get there. Life is the journey of a destination. I am the only driver that is authorized to manage the placement of my choices. I reach for things and I compose what I feel necessary, and I break into the darkness to find specks of light that can be used as flashlights in an awkward lack of identification. I seize things for selfishness sake, and I hold caring to be a principle of nobility. I take for my own self, and I give where there is pain to fill the void of pain. I sometimes talk with sincerity and I try to follow the parts of my heart that are consistently true.

Where do I go from here? I look and I take in the scenery, I see roads and rivers and I can tell where north is the opposite of south, but the question of location isn’t complete until I know where to place myself. Even standing on level and dry ground is merely the source of safety, but I want more than safety. I long for freedom and completion. The act of knowing isn’t knowing until the hour of exact rightness. I want to be found where there is no doubt, and where there isn’t a single longing for what isn’t already in my hand.

People can be my compass, the wind can be my compass, God is my compass, the chemicals in my brain are my compass, and images try to be my compass, but my soul is starting not to listen to either of their calls. Remembering where I came from isn’t hard, it’s the right of passage toward a complete past that drives me forward. I look at the sky and its viewing pleasure is not only desirable, but it’s beginning to call to me and beckon me to leave. The escape of leaving is only as feasible as the dream that holds distant in my heart.

Two dreams share the location of my heart, but on the map it’s only possible to be in one place at one time. I can’t ask for more than the present, and within the present moment of hope and justice, I see more than I am able to grasp and take in. I’m hurting to know and I’m hurting not to know. Why must I choose the destination of my soul? Can’t my soul take the wheel and steer me closer to the desired path. Surprise me of where we end up. Don’t confuse me with turns and pit stops. Give me the moment of clarity so that I can stare at the open road on a plan of return.

Have I found myself completely to be enabled to find my place? I’ll reach for more, and I’ll get more. I’ll strive for everything and I end up getting everything. That was the hope, but the reality is starting to prove empty.

Putting Together The Links

2007-04-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve started to realize that there are things that I use to help me avoid what I’m feeling. I’ve been circumventing away from what my heart has been trying to tell me, and what my soul is trying to inform me of.

I’ve noticed that I use porn and masturbation as a way to avoid my true feelings about homosexuality. I use to think that the homosexual tendencies that I experience are strictly physical and non-emotional. I have since learned that that is far from the truth, and that I overwhelmingly have, first and foremost, an emotional connection to men and a need to connect to masculinity in a way that stimulates me romantically.

I place these feelings very deep within me. I see that these emotional underpinnings are what my conscious mind is trying to avoid. All along I though that my “weaknesses” for masculinity and the male form were entirely physical. And what the scapegoat of a purely physical attraction gave me was the sense that my attraction to men was purely superficial. And with a superficial attraction I was able to talk myself into relationships with women, without noticing the deeper meaning of the external appeal in men.

It sounded good and I was relieved to be able to tell myself that “superficially I’m attracted to men, only on a physical level, and that I am soly lured by the thought of masculinity, but the deeper region of my human essence isn’t permeated to the core and fundamental emotional component of who I am is not contaminated with homosexual desires.”

Learning I was wrong brought me to my knees. And I recognize the part that masturbation played in that it helped fuel the fire of my “superficially physical attraction.” Looking at the physical while the emotional lurked underneath caused me to only see the physical desire that I had for men and at the same time cause the emotional to cry out to be noticed. That emotional need was stifled and is continuing to be stifled by the fact that I use masturbation as a way to push out the emotional connection to men and what the emotional connection means. And what that means is that the love I have for my wife is not enough, and that I am depriving my soul of essential developmental opportunities.

Now I realize that what was once below the surface was an emotional and spiritual connection that I truly longed for. And now I see that it was too painful for me to realize. The masturbation literally kept my emotional desires for men hidden because I was reinforcing the physical desire to numb the shame I felt about feeling a desire to connect emotionally to men.

The emotional is surfacing and while it’s a relief to finally let myself feel what it has for me to feel, I’m left with not knowing what to do with it because I don’t know how to incorporate it into my life within the context that I find myself in…gay Mormon and married.

Just Venting

2007-04-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

*Please don’t read this and think that my wife is horrible. I’m including the bad in this post because I have nowhere else to place the bad. I felt like I needed to vent. I love my wife and love so much about her. That’s why I’m still married to her, that’s why I’m still trying do what is right and admirable. But everyday I feel more and more like she’s out to make me suffer for “choosing” to be gay.

My struggle persists. My wife and I are continuing to discuss, to argue, to apologize, to blame, to avoid, to cry, to insult, to comfort, to beg, to hurt, to ask, and all the other verbs that seem like they would fit in that list. She cried herself to sleep a couple of nights ago, and I couldn't allow myself to let it go. I stayed up thinking about it, about what to do, and how to handle this incredibly awkward and devastating life change.

My wife doesn’t believe in the term “gay,” she doesn’t think that being gay and married to a woman is any different from being straight and married to a woman. Her solution is that I need to love her more. And she keeps telling me that if I’m gay then it’s impossible for me to love her, and that I’m a liar. No matter how much I contest her thoughts, she is focused on getting me to suffer what she is suffering.

She confessed that she looked at me today when I was getting out of the shower and judged me up and down. She started to point out all of the things that are wrong with my body and asked how I felt? She doesn’t get it. She acts as though I’m critiquing her and her woman features. I love vaginas, I think the female body is beautiful and amazing, but I can’t help it if my penis doesn’t feel an erotic connection to it.

She keeps telling me that it’s not a big deal that I’m gay, that I’m dwelling on it too much, and that I should just let it go. She says that she’s attracted to guys, but that she doesn’t have to think about it and feel bad about it because she just lets it go and she has me. How can I make her understand that it’s completely different? My homosexuality is something that she wants to push aside and not deal with because she believes it’s inconsequential. What she thinks is the central issue is my selfishness.

She comments that I have hurt her so deeply by what I have said. I told her that I just wanted to be honest with her. She tells me that she feels like she has no self esteem because of me. And my initial reaction is empathic and concern, but on second thought, self esteem that comes from an external source is not really true self esteem to begin with.

She feels the need to keep reinforcing thoughts like these: “I’m not good enough because I don’t have a penis. You care about some guy’s dick more than you care about me...”

I feel like I’m sticking around so that I can end this marriage as friends. But she doesn’t get it. I try to explain what it means to be gay, and she tells me that I’m wrong and that I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. I'm lost. I don't know what to say to make her understand. She just doesn't want to understand, and if she doesn't want to I can't make her.

The Forefront

2007-04-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like a genuine thumbs up right now. I'm relieved that my wife and I are talking about what has been underneath the surface for about a year now. We're having a dialogue that is hard but rewarding. I'm learning how not to avoid my problems ever again.

As for our plans...well we don't know that yet. I've told her that I have needs that aren't being met. She tells me that she's willing to be married to me regardless. I tell her that I might not want to be married to her anymore. I tell her that I'm worried about her feeling inadequate. She tells me that she doesn't want to loose me. I told her that I'm hurting and that I'm not happy. She just wants to love me and make it better. I told her that I don't want to be a gay man married to a woman. She says that she would never have the courage to divorce me and that if I want a divorce, that I'm the one that will have to do it because she can't.

As it stands. I'm waiting. I'm taking my time, and in the meantime we are talking. We are relatively happy, and we are trying to make things work for the time being. I'm realizing now that this next step is the one that I was avoiding all along. I know that I'm the one that will have to end the relationship, and it's going to take every ounce of courage to do that. But for now. I'm taking my time before I make any final decisions.

In the past it was so easy to just put every negative thing I was feeling into this blog and then walk away for the purpose of not doing anything with it. I can't do that anymore. I've got to face what I'm feeling/thinking/hurting/hoping about and deal. Learning that was a very difficult struggle. Frankly, it sucked. But here I am with more knowledge than I had before, and that's a blessing. Life is about this, what I'm going through and what I'm experiencing. Life is about the process of discovery and the challenge to challenge myself.

My wife is wonderful. I know that in the past I've focused on the negative, and I regret that. She's peaceful and supportive. She's understanding and she's kind. It's expected that she's going to feel hurt and that she's going to feel the need to act out on her anger, but I give her an A+ for the way that she's handling everything.

She has held me while I've cried. She has pampered me and made me feel like I'm ok. She of course is struggling too, and she is also in pain, but she has been there for me.

We've made the decision to go to counseling together. I feel like that will be a good place to start. We're friends right now, and that's all that matters for the time being. I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that the future is brighter than I ever imagined it would be.

What lies ahead is huge for me. I am standing at the forefront of an extremely hard decision. I have no safety net and no perfect knowledge of anything. If I leave my wife, I am loosing a future with her, a possible eternal marriage, and children with the one woman that I've ever loved.

If I stay then I risk missing out on the chance to feel as happy as I see myself being. If I don't leave her then I might never be at peace with myself.

If I stay I might be happy and learn to live with the perplexity of our situation. If I stay I might end up realizing that my sexuality isn't as important as I once thought it was. If I stay I could be learning lessons that my soul needs to learn in order to progress.

If I leave her I might find someone who I can feel connected to, who I'm completely attracted to, and who meets all the needs that I have yet to fill. I just might feel complete and If I leave her I might be living a life that is completely mine, that is full of something that I believe in and that I am proud to be apart of and an advocate for.

And so I struggle still. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm worried. I'm sad. I wonder if I can actually make this decision without running away. I'm scared, but I'm trusting.

Acquiesce/Avoid/Death

2007-04-06T08:14:00.000-07:00

I don’t want myself to stop crying. I’ve been crying for two days now. It feels good, and it feels sad, and I still think there’s a lot of anger underneath it. I cry because I’m overwhelmed by what is going on. I cry because I’m sad about bringing up divorce with my wife, I’m devastated that I feel like I’ve failed. But ultimately, crying makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere, crying forces me to talk, and it also releases a lot of negative emotions that I’ve kept bottled up.

Wife: “I don’t believe in the term ‘gay,’ it doesn’t exist.”

Elbow: “Maybe it doesn’t.”

Wife: “Why do people feel like they need to come out of the closet? They’re just lying to themselves.”

Elbow: “Maybe you’re right.”

Wife: “Why are you wasting you time reading gay Mormon blogs when you should be focusing on how much you love me?”

Elbow: “I like reading them.”

Wife: “Well it’s messed up.”

Elbow: “Maybe it is.”

Who am I? I acquiesce to the point of invisibility. Should I try and stick up for myself, for my friends? Am I lying to myself? I can’t believe I’m asking these questions. I know the answers. I’m stronger than this, but I feel so horrible about putting my wife through this.

We’re going to go to counseling together. Maybe there’s a chance that we can end this marriage and still be friends. But the more she calls me a liar, the more she says that I’m fucked up, the more I want to throw my hands up and leave. But part of me is willing to be present for her and to take slow steps toward the end of this marriage.

I’ve said what I needed to say, but I’m still married because she’s not willing to let go. Ultimately, I feel anxious to leave the marriage and just walk away. But I also want to avoid this situation as much as I can. But if there is one thing I’ve learned is that avoidance is the worst possible way to cope.

Last Night

2007-04-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Last night was the worst night of my life. I still feel like it isn’t over and I’m terrified of what to do and what to say. I have no shield and there’s a lot about myself that I don’t know.

About midday I started to feel extremely overwhelmed. The thought of talking to my wife terrified me, but I knew I couldn’t drag this out any longer. I kept thinking of ways she would react, of ways that I would react. I spoke on the phone to several amazing people who helped me calm down and look at the bigger picture, but by the end of the day I was emotionally sick. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think of anything but having the dialogue with my wife.

I started to walk home and I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. I started feeling angry and I started feeling frustrated. I wanted to be destructive and harmful in someway. Intense pressure had built up in my chest and my entire body ached. I got home with tears flowing down my face and I couldn’t stop crying. For an hour straight I laid on our bed and wailed and screamed and no matter how many tears I was letting out, it didn’t seem like enough. My body was rejecting its own body, my heart rate was beating so fast and hard that I could hear it pounding over my sobs.

I kept saying that I was gay and that I was sorry and that I loved her. She was sweet and she held me and she caressed me. I continued to cry and the pain continued to increase. My body felt unmanageable and I was disoriented and didn’t know what to say or what to do.

My tears turned to silence and we talked about what I was feeling. It hurt to speak. My body trembled as my mouth formed words that I needed to tell her. I told her what I needed to say. I said things that I’d been thinking but never wanted to actually say them out loud. She was hurt. She yelled and she directed her anger toward me. I told her that I didn’t know if I wanted to be married to her anymore. She walked away without saying a word, and for an hour I sat frozen and listened to a heart beating inside my chest that was ferocious and unrelenting. My left arm was sore and throbbing in pain and my hand was tingly and felt like it had pins and needles sticking into it.

My wife doesn’t care that I’m gay, she never has. But she looks at it no differently than if I were attracted to other girls and that I just have to keep that in check. I told her that I have needs that she cannot meet. She said I was fucked up for thinking that she wasn’t good enough because she doesn’t have a dick. She cried and yelled and called me a piece of shit. I cried and I laid there unable to speak through the pain.

I laid there in bed and everything about my body hurt, and everything about my heart was in pain. My heart raced and my mind felt sheiks of terror in regards to how she was reacting. I fell asleep around 6 in the morning and got up two hours later to come to work.

Erection Exam

2007-04-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

No, I haven’t spoken to my wife yet. And this post may be another attempt to avoid the subject but I need a break from thinking about it, at least for today. Plus, I went to the doctor yesterday and considering my experience, how could I not write a post about it?

It’s been about 5 years since I’ve been suffering from pain in my prostate, which the doctors have diagnosed as prostatitis. I’ve been seeing a lot of doctors about it and I had an appointment yesterday to meet with a Urologist that I had never met with before. I had to be at the doctor’s office at 9:30am. I knew that at the urologist’s office I would be given an always embarrassing and forever uncomfortable “internal examination of the rectum.” So I showered and didn’t wear any underwear because I don’t like wearing garments at all really, and any excuse that I can get out of wearing them will be employed, and I also don’t like having a lot of clothing to deal with when having to get naked at the doctor’s office. It’s just easier if I can slip on and off the pants, and not have to deal with the other layer. Needless to say, as you can tell, I’ve had many a urologist examine my prostate.

So I get to the doctor’s office, fill out paper work, give them a urine sample, and I’m waiting in the room for the doctor to come in. When the urologist enters the room, and even before I walked into the building I knew that the doctor would be gay. I just for some reason felt that he would be a fag. All of my other urologist have been straight, so I don’t know why I was so certain that this one would be gay, but sure enough this thirty-something blonde hair blue eyed short doctor walks in the room and he’s a flaming urologist queer. He asks me the usual questions, he asks me to show him where it hurts, he then asks me to touch myself to be more specific to show where it hurts, yada yada yada… And as urologist usually do he told me he was going to examine the goods as he slipped on his rubber gloves.

Now, I don’t know what was going on with me, but I felt really sexual for some reason, and I wasn’t attracted to this doctor so to speak, but it was an intensely homoerotic moment. I could tell he was kind of flustered and that he was liking our interaction, but he was also really professional at the same time, so it was this weird dynamic. So I unbutton my fly and down come my pants and for some reason I start getting an erection. Here is this male doctor eye level with my penis and I see my member start to rise to the occasion. I just pretend like it’s normal and assume that he likes it anyway and I turn my head and cough and by this time I don’t have a full on erection, but my penis is staring him in the face (so embarrassed).

So he then says to me: “have you ever had an erection exam?”

And in my head I’m thinking: “What the hell is an erection exam? Is he flirting with me?” So I was a little intrigued and very interested in what an erection exam was and just to make sure I heard what he said I inquired: “a what?”

Doctor: “an erection exam?”

So I said: “No. No I haven’t.”

And he proceeds to tell me to turn around and bend over. By this time I have an erection, and I think I’m getting an “erection exam” and then I feel him start to do a rectal exam. In my head I’m thinking “was this his Freudian slip or mine? Did he actually say “erection exam” and what he meant to say was “rectal exam?”

After he slides his fingers up my ass and playing around with my prostate he hands me some tissue and tells me: “everything looks good.” He carries on the appointment by asking me if I need to get tested for any sexually transmitted diseases and then he tells me he wants to see me in three weeks. I’m feeling good about myself because he wants to see me again like a second date, and then he stands up to leave and he looks me up and down and says in a really impressed manner: “how tall are you?”

Elbow: “A little over six feet.”

Doctor: “Very nice.”

And he walks out of the room.

I’m kind of excited to go back in three weeks, and I am still unable to decipher whether he actually asked to give me “an erection exam” or not.

For Her

2007-04-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have a paper due tomorrow and I can’t write anything coherent about the topic. I’m feeling very nervous and agitated and screwed up. I spoke with playasinmar today online and he gave me some good advice. Why am I going through this? Yes I’ve made my decision, but is it the right decision? And even if it isn’t the right decision, will I be happy otherwise?

I just need to talk to my wife. That is the bottom line. Regardless of anything or any choice or thought, I need to talk to her and tell her what is going on. I know that’s what you guys have been saying all along, but I'm a slow learner.

I told playasinmar that I’d talk to my wife tonight. Pray that I can do that. I’ve got to do this, and not just for myself, but for her.

Free From Indecision

2007-03-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

One thing I haven’t written about are the good feelings that I’ve since received after finally making a decision. Believe it or not folks… Elbow has come to the final chapter in his indecisiveness. He has made a choice and decided on a path. And that is unparalleled!

After about two years of turmoil and complete and ridiculous internal conflict, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to be married. I think my wife is amazing, I know that she would make any straight guy drool. But I can’t help it if my body doesn’t respond to her in that way. I know this may sound gross to some of you, but subconsciously I feel and think of my wife in the same way that I think of my sister or mostly my mother. There’s just not a lot of romance there, just really strong ties of familial love.

Maybe that’s normal. I don’t know. And for the longest time I’ve felt guilty about that, but I can’t help it. I don’t chose where my subconscious thoughts go. Before I know it I’ll have a Freudian slip and refer to my wife as my sister, or have a childhood memory and can’t remember if it was my mom or my wife who cooked dinner when I was five.

I’ve come to accept that there are things I can’t control. No matter how much I try, I can’t make my penis stand up for something it doesn’t feel. I can’t make my heart long for something that it doesn’t understand. And more importantly, I just don’t like being married. I don’t like the arrangement and the expectations, and is it fair to my wife to just stay married to her because “she’s worth it?” Because she is worth it, and she is amazing, but if I don’t feel it then what’s the point? Maybe I’m a bad person for feeling this way, but I can’t feel guilty about that anymore.

I’m happy. I’m content, and I’m overjoyed that I have come to a final chapter in this decision making process. So, I have the decision made and I feel good about it. Now the next step is the hardest part – talking to my wife about it.

I know it needs to be done. I’m just afraid that I’ll find myself on a cargo plane headed to Mozambique before I can actually muster up a backbone to let her know what I’m feeling. How do you tell your sister that you want to break up with her? How do you tell your mom that you think you guys should get a divorce? Awkward.

The Hours

2007-03-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

What do I do? How do I say it? I guess if I really felt it then I would have said something by now. Is it possible that it’s just too hard to say? I feel like my wife is so fragile that I can’t even begin to think about how she’d react by me saying that I want a divorce.

She might hurt herself, and I’m terrified of her feeling so hurt that she’ll loose all sense of reason. I’m not strong enough for this.

My hands are tied and I’m stuck. My mouth is taped shut and I feel like I can’t move.

I’m doing ok. I really feel fine. For the first time in my life I know what I want. I’m done with being married. It’s not because I’m gay and it’s not because I’m not attracted to my wife, because I am. I just don’t want to be married anymore and I don’t know how to tell my wife that.

Maybe beneath my decision is a feeling of stability that I’d like to keep. Who in their right mind would leave a beautiful wife and the possibility of having a family? I feel like Julianne Moore’s character in “The Hours.” I feel that feeling that she talked about as overwhelmed and unexplainable conflict.

In the movie she looks at her little boy and she loves him but she has to get away. There’s a scene in the movie where she drops of her son at a babysitters and she plans on leaving him, and she drives away and she just cries. She goes to a hotel room and the shot of her lying in her bed with water rushing around her as it fills up the room is parallel to what I feel.

The water is getting close to my mouth and soon my nose won’t have any choice but to give into the water.

I don’t have a little boy. I don’t have children, but I do have the “little boy Elbow” to take care of. He’s inside of me and he needs me to take care of him. And I keep putting him off. The little boy version of me is hurting and I don’t know what to do for him. I’ve been ignoring him for so long, but the more I write this I realize that there’s a little boy inside of me who wants to be ok and who wants to be happy.

When Sleep Doesn't Matter

2007-03-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep but I’m ok with it. I find it amazing that there is so much time that our bodies need for sleep. What is it about sleep that is necessary for our progression on the earth?

Right now I’m confused. I’m bewildered as to what I should do. I prayed again last night and I just felt really lost. I keep thinking about how I to get a divorce. I think about leaving my wife and it makes sense, but I don’t want to loose her friendship. I really love her, maybe not romantically, but as a real honest and special friend. She’s too amazing to even describe. But I don’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t regret having gotten married. I don’t regret the last two years of our marriage. Every experience is of benefit to me, and I’m thankful that I was able to learn from it. But saying goodbye to what we have is pretty painful.

I realize now that I’m going through the process of getting a divorce without actually having told my wife about what I’m feeling. I just don’t know how to do that. I think part of me is still hoping that I’ll magically be ok and that I won’t have to deal with my inner conflict anymore. And I can just pretend that my feelings and thoughts never happened.

How do I do this? I just have to end it. There’s no way around it. This isn’t a marriage. It's an illusion of hope. I have to end it because it's my responsibility. I always thought that if I was persistent enough that the Lord would do it for me and that she would possibly leave me before it got to this. I want her to end it because I don’t want to be the one to end it. I want to feel like the victim, but maybe now I’ll have to feel like an adult.

I Ache To Know

2007-03-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Someone: “Just hang in there.”

Elbow: “No.”

I prayed last night to see. I just wanted to know.
I prayed to see how I would feel if I got a divorce from my wife.
That spirit feeling came to my heart as it does when I ask if the Book of Mormon is true or when I think about the veracity of the Church. No intellect was attached to this feeling. I took it as God was saying that it was ok to get a divorce. At the very least, he’s letting me know that he’s there.

It’s pretty much more confusing than I ever thought it could be.
I ask if I should get a divorce and I feel the spirit…

I feel so close to something. I can’t grasp it, but I feel it and it’s real. I know that soon there will be a palpable decision made.

Everyday I confront my fears just a little bit more, and I think I’m making progress. I’ve been visualizing my feelings of distress and managing to conceptually feel my way out of their grasp. I’m seeing solutions that I haven’t had the courage to confront.

I ache to know.

I really want to have a letter telling me the steps to take. I need some concrete evidence that what I feel is right and good. But I don’t think that evidence exists.

I’m hanging by precept and concept. Where is “there?”

I want to blow something down. I feel really destructive right now.

I can’t hang on anymore.

I think it’s time to let go.

Realizing That It's Not Worth It

2007-03-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

The conflicted angst I’ve been going through in these past four years is not only getting tiring, but detrimental to my soul. Feeling the heavy weight of my stress reminds me for some reason of a Mormon pioneer man pulling a handcart and physically feeling the burden of the trial that he has chosen to bear. Has anyone heard the Church philosophy that some Church leader said once about the pioneers looking at our trials and feeling like the trials that we face in this day and age are far more challenging than what the pioneers had to go through? Even though they died by hunger and that physically they were tested with sickness and conditions of strenuous torture to get to the Salt Lake Valley, the things that we go through currently far surpass the trials that they experienced.

Well, that’s bull shit. I don’t think the pioneers would say that. They’d probably be very upset to hear that what they went through wasn’t as hard as what we go through now. How do you tell someone who lost all 6 of their children to death and disease, who has to pull a hand cart with a bad leg and one hand because the other hand got bit off my a bear that their trials aren’t as hard as what the Mormons are going through in 2007? It sounds absurd.

Nonetheless, this post isn’t about the pioneers, but metaphorically I see myself as a Mormon pioneer man pulling this cart and then realizing that it’s not worth it. I want to walk away from the handcart, kick it as I throw my hands in the air and let out a huge sigh of release. Pulling a handcart in the snow and mud for what? All this just to get to the Salt Lake Valley? You can’t even drink the water because the lake is full of salt and not to mention that it’s a freakin’ dessert. And in 200 years it will be full of tourist skiers and shopping malls anyway. And I don’t want to break my back so that a bunch snowboarders can get a couple of slopes in before they can hit the nearest Starbucks for a non-caffeinated soy latte steamer.

Lately for the longest time I’ve been feeling doomed to conflict and destined to suffer with these feelings of gay Mormon angst for the rest of my life. I’ve thought a lot about being unable to shake off this turmoil and about feeling this way as a father and 60 year old and taking this with me to the grave. And I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to feel like this for the next 10 minutes. And the only thing that has kept me going has been the desire to have kids someday.

Last night I laid in bed and for quite a while before I fell asleep, and I realized that if I feel conflicted and full of confusion as a husband then that’s not good for my kids, and that I’ll be a dad that doesn’t have control over what he wants. I don’t want to be a dad. I don’t want to have kids like this. My dreams of having my own children and raising them, involved me being competent and satisfied with my own self. And I’m not there yet, and I won’t be there until I make some changes…

Why I love Gay Mormons

2007-03-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I live in a very gay friendly world. I think it would amaze everyone who reads this blog to see how many gay men and even a handful of gay women are in my life. In where I live and what I do, it literally feels like I’m surrounded by more homosexuals than I am with the heterosexual population. It even amazes me sometimes just how much I’m saturated in gayness. I could make long lists of people that are gay and that share my life with me. And I will:

- My best friend at work is a lesbian/bisexual (she’s not sure if she’s bi or a full on dyke, but she’s having fun trying to decide).
- More than half of the guys in my program at school are gay.
- My boss, who I’m very close to and have a great relationship with, is gay.
- All my and my wife’s friends are gay (with a few exceptions).
- My bishop at Church, yeah, he’s gay (he’s just not out to the ward, or out to himself).
- 75% of my volunteer organization committee is gay, and the head planner is a lesbian and she’s gorgeous, (I love her so much).
- And now that I think about it, I think our dog is gay (but that’s a different story).

I was talking to one of my best friends in the entire world yesterday (yes, he’s gay, and Mormon and has been with his boyfriend for 5 years now) and I was just feeling like I needed to tell him that I love homosexuality. And it’s true, I was thinking about it and I truly love homosexuality, I love lesbians, I love seeing two people of the same gender kiss, and it has nothing to do with a sexual component, but it feels kind of safe and sweet to see two people of the same gender together.

But what I wanted to write about is why I love gay Mormons! I really do. The only guys I’ve ever “dated” or have been intimate with were Mormons. I think gay men who are or have been part of the Church are really attractive. And it's very interesting because if I see a gay man and he’s really attractive, and I later find out that he’s a Mormon, well that puts me over the edge, not only is he attractive, but in my eyes he just got ten times more hot.

There’s something about men in the Mormon Church. They are sensitive, sweet, caring, and they are good fathers and husbands. And Mormon men are hot damn it! I think it comes from the fact that men are in quorums at Church, and the missionary companion rule that they always have to be together ect... And I think that’s why I haven’t followed through with any of the advances that I’ve received from guys, because none of them were Mormon. And because I’m saving myself for my Elder’s Quorum President, who by the way is also gay…

Destination: Anywhere But Here

2007-03-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

Buses look attractive, any airplane I spot looks inviting and when I look at a car on an open highway driving off into the sunset I salivate. Why do I always have this feeling like I want to run away? I’m in this constant struggle to keep myself from buying plane ticket to the Canary Islands or to Cozumel and just leaving without telling anyone.

I called my older brother yesterday and talked with him about my desires to leave my current surroundings. He knows I’m gay, in fact he was one of the first people I told back when I was at BYU. What he doesn’t know is that I’m having a particularly hard time lately with…life. Not a hard time with marriage or homosexuality or attractions or gay Mormon paradigms, but good old fashioned “Life.” Not the cereal, not the board game, but the thing that we are going through right now. What the f is life? I don’t get it. I look at where I am, where I’m sitting, and what my current state of living is and it doesn’t make sense to me. Looking up at the sky, staring into an old woman’s face and watching people try bounce back and forth from people to people in order to find a place in the world all brings me back to one conclusion: that we don’t know what the hell we’re doing.

So as I’m talking with my brother he gives me some good feedback and I listen and he talks and I talk and he listens, and then I realize that I’m hurting just a little bit more today than I was yesterday. And then I get scared because I think back to when I was at BYU and I started this gay Mormon journey and the pain started to hurt and sting a little and now it has become a cancer that is covered my whole body. And each day brings just a little more pain with it.

Don’t be surprised if I stop writing and you never hear from me again. Just assume that I left for a deserted island and I’ve runaway…

My Duplicitous Self

2007-03-16T06:53:00.000-07:00

There’s something wrong with me, and there’s been something wrong with me for sometime now. I always thought that the problem within me was due to my homosexual tendencies, but now I’m realizing that that homosexuality isn’t the underlying problem. It exacerbates it yes, but deep down within the layers of my subconscious motivations, there lies the true issue of my duplicitous self.

What I’ve just recently realized is that I am afraid of me. I have fear living inside of me, I have it breathing down my neck, and it snowballs and expands to the point where I can’t do anything about it. And that fear has brought about two separate identities within my psyche. To combat one, the other persona was created subconsciously, to be in opposition with what the other wants. Each identity fights long and hard for what it is desperately trying to avoid. It is the fear of fruition that drives my two selves to be at constant battle with one another. And as the stakes are raised, the fight within me rages with more intensity.

There is the persona of Elbow that wants validation from a higher power that wants to live righteously and follow obediently the commandments that have been laid out. The other identity seeks after the experience of connection and intimacy with masculinity. But both are driven by fear. I’m tired of living in fear. I don’t care if I ever go to the temple again. I don’t care if I ever go to Church again. But ask me again in ten minutes and I’ll tell you a different plea, I’ll say how much I see the true power of Sabbath day worship and I’ll find myself feeling so overwhelmed by desires of goodness, that I’ll forget that I even wanted to leave the Church.

I’m screwed up because my version of being a good person is not being attracted to men. When I think about repentance I think that the path to wholeness is paved with straight thoughts and sex with my wife. THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS! So why does my brain think that sometimes? And then there are other times when I think “wow, I’m gay and I’ll always be gay and therefore I shouldn’t be with my wife.” And the an hour latter I’ll be feeling like I miss her and I want to dedicate my life to her and I’ll be committed being anything she wants me to be.

The feelings that shift within me at warp speeds are so at odds with each other and so polarized that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand where they are coming from and where they are going. These feelings that I experience are so strong, it’s not just ideas and thoughts, but true heartfelt convictions that change at the drop of a hat. I feel so torn sometimes, and then there are other times when I feel so peaceful. My mind, my heart and my desires are all playing very frustrating tricks on me. I want to be constant, I want to be consistent. I want to feel something and continue to feel it. I’m tired of vacillating. I don’t want two identities of my own persona at odds with each other.

One minute I’m me, and the next minute I’m the second version of me, but both sides of me are never really able to get anything done because it’s all mixed up.

Winning Like A Looser

2007-03-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

After a lot of overtly sexual and flirtatious emails, which included some fantasy narratives and the disclosure of homoerotic mental images including what we would like to do to each other and so on and so forth, Bryan wrote me the following email today:

"Elbow- This must be quite confusing for you -- well, it is for me! I am completely fine with tea, lunch, hugs, and occasional hand grasps. You're married, and an honest person, so I don't want you to do anything that would leave you feeling unfaithful or hurt. Also, I don't want youto hurt anyone else. This is hard for me to write because I believe we should do what our drives pull us to do. By doing whatever, I mean we should do what isn't going to be hurtful. We have to consider how we will affect others. Let's get together again soon. Have a great weekend. Keep me in your thoughts--the kind that involve fantasy. I'll do the same! -Bryan"

I'm feeling so "whatever," passive about this whole situation now, that I'm both glad and relieved that he wrote this. But at the same time, it makes me attracted to him even more. I’m just really uncertain about EVERYTHING in my life right now that I’m really close to just throwing my hands in the air and declaring that I’ve been defeated. The Church wins. My wife wins. Bryan wins. I win. I don’t know what I’m saying. Does anyone else understand what I’m saying? And at the same time, everybody looses because I can’t make and f-ing decision. Complacency is killing me!

And The Next Move Is...

2007-03-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following to Beck in an email earlier today:

"I don’t know if I’m going crazy, or if this is actually happening. I had lunch with him today. His name is (we'll call him) Bryan. It was a nice and friendly conversation. We discussed normal everyday things, and my passion isn’t heightened, but my interest in him is. I wrote him an email saying that I wanted to kiss him. He is reciprocating, and I’m just letting it happen and I’m not feeling guilty, and I’m not worried about the consequences. I just feel somewhat free, but at the same time I feel like I know that I won’t do anything, and that he’s not going to do anything that would put either of us in jeopardy.

He’s sweet and smart and we connect intellectually in very similar ways. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I’m thinking that things will just die down and that the passion will only come out through the emails that we write each other. His body is so cute. He’s a little shorter than I am and he’s just thin and athletic and has amazing hands. Am I in this too much? Am I out of control? I don’t feel out of control. I just feel calm and relaxed.

Maybe I’m way in over my head. Maybe I’m too immature to realize what I’m doing. He’d kiss me if I asked him to. He’d do anything I wanted. I’m just not sure why I’m pursuing this. I want this intimacy with him, I don’t want the sex. I don’t want to get an erection, it just happens. Why?

I feel like I’ve questioned my sexuality and my position so much that my mind is just unable to process it. I am who I am and I’m trying to be better, and I’m trying to be happy and the two worlds collided in the past and I feel like I’m just going to let them crash together because it is unavoidable in delaying it.

I love my wife, but she doesn’t want to be with me, she just thinks she does. She thinks that I am someone I’m not. I feel like it would be ok if I were to end our relationship now. I feel like it’s close to the end.

Maybe I am crazy. This guys not the perfect man for me. He’s not even Mr. Wonderful, he’s just Mr. Interesting and Erotic. Are you rolling you eyes at me thinking what a waste I am?"

Awkward Stare Situation

2007-02-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I was walking home from class and I heard some distinctively homosexual male voices. They were walking kind of close behind me (in New York it is somewhat normal to walk close to people on the street) but I got the sense that they were talking loudly for my benefit. I kept walking and looking forward like I wasn’t listening in their conversation, but I secretly was. They weren’t saying anything important, I just felt like they were “queening” to see if I was gay or not? I don’t know.

So the two voices start walking right beside me and I see that they are both attractive, but one of them is really attractive and they both want to make eye contact with me, but I just keep looking forward because, one guy is enough to make my heart race, but two!?!? So they eventually see someone that they know up ahead and they run towards them and all the while I’m thinking “why were they looking at me, what is going on…” and then I look at one of them from the corner of my eye and he’s cuter than I thought. So I kept making eye contact with him and it was really intense. I couldn’t take it. I wanted to talk to him, but he was with his friends and I felt kind of awkward because both he and his buddy were checking me out.

So I just started walking fast and eventually turned a corner and got myself out of that situation. I probably would have talked to him, but the situation was kind of awkward for me, and oh yeah, and I’m Mormon, not to mention married.

I Should Be A Whore By Now

2007-02-21T14:22:00.000-08:00

Lately, I’ve been perfectly ok until I see a hot guy. Once I see someone who is attractive to me I automatically start feeling sexual. I guess that means I’m gay…but what I’m trying to piece together is why it doesn’t go anywhere beyond that. Because of where I live, I get looked at and “cruised” and picked-up on all the time by guys that are pretty cute, and sometimes, really cute. And yet it never goes further than that. The looking, the staring, and it doesn’t work out. I keep telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself where I could make-out with a hot guy and/or have that guy touching me that I would follow through.

All this makes me believe that prayers of my forefathers are working. I am at the whim of my attraction. I’ll look, I’ll stare back, and I’ll even be the one to make the first move, but nothing has panned out, and I think it’s because the Lord is protecting me from a sexual encounter with a guy. It’s just not in the cards for me right now. Even when I feel like I’m getting closer to a sexual encounter with a guy that I think is hot, I just don’t feel attracted, or I’m uninterested. I’m not saying I don’t have my free agency, I’m just saying that the Lord is doing a lot in order for me not to follow through with my homosexual desires.

I should be a whore by now, but maybe it’s just not in my horizon. In a way I’m thankful. Who needs gay sex when you’ve got a blog to write!

A Schizophrenic Wheelchair Bound Mute

2007-02-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Most of us have all been there. Sitting with a friend or wife/fiancé and feeling the anxiety of coming clean and telling the deepest darkest secret of homosexual attraction. And of course there sometimes are tears, a cathartic release of emotion, laughing, shaking, all of the above. And if that person is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints then most likely they’ve said something to the effect of: “we all have our challenges, and we all have our individual handicaps.” I may not be in those words exactly, but most everyone who is gay has heard that sound byte before; comparable to schizophrenia, to alcoholism and even a wheelchair, homosexuality as a handicap.

The interesting thing about someone who is not gay bringing up this type of information is that I’ve felt that myself. I’ve sat in the dark before, contemplating my existence as a gay man, my existence as a gay missionary, gay husband ect… and sometimes the “handicap awareness voice” comes from within and tells me that homosexuality is my wheelchair, being gay is my psychological illness, and that being gay is just my very own version being addicted to alcohol.

Isn’t the universe funny? I mean, here I am a nice, smart, attractive and very obedient Mormon boy who until early adolescents, realizes that he is like unto a paraplegic. “Only bad people get addicted to cocaine!” And in the meantime I’m the one who’s addicted to looking at naked guys kissing each other…karma’s a bitch.

But seriously, I have felt that offense, and I have noticed how it makes me feel when others try to tell me that I’m like the cripple who is destined to live his life with others looking at him in pity, and being unable to do normal things like have kids and get married. And then there is the exception to the rule, like the Down syndrome couple that find each other and people look at them like they are freaks, but cute freaks nonetheless.

Is that my life? Am I really a schizophrenic wheelchair bound mute who is destined to live his life in such dreadful circumstances? And can we even compare alcoholism to homosexuality? I mean people don’t call young alcoholic boys derogatory names like “faggot” and “cock sucker.”

Maybe there’s no way to compare because it is what it is, and it’s very different from anything else that’s out there. Maybe that’s why people are so quick to compartmentalize and place being gay in the box with the schizophrenics…it’s just the only thing that people can do to understand it if they aren’t living it themselves.

As for me, I’m ok if you want to call me handicapped because I call myself that sometimes. I recognize that my attraction is debilitating, whether I like it or not. I wish that I could be “normal” like other guys and feel completely aroused by a woman, I wish that I could walk into a locker room and not have to tell myself to stop staring at other guys dicks. I want to be able to be free from worrying about my worthiness, and if I’m a bad person because I want to get it on (naked and hard) with Jake Gyllenhaal. And if along with that handicap comes a caring and empathic individual who dresses well and knows a lot of musical theater songs, so be it…but it’s not easy.

Feelin' Good

2007-02-07T11:26:00.001-08:00

I’m 28, soon to be 29 years old. I’ve never really had regrets, only just a lot of questions. I’m getting to the point where I’m looking back at my life, and certain parts start to appear farther and farther away. Soon I’ll be older than I originally planed, and I’ll still be asking myself the same questions.

It sometimes gets exhausting to keep feeling like I have to be exploring my emotions, and intentions all of the time. People generally live to be around 80 years old. And if you ask me, that’s long enough. Some people want to live forever, but I think at some point all of us yearn for this life experience to be over. No matter what position you’re in, no matter what you’re doing, there’s always a piece of myself that feels like it can’t wait to end this struggle of earthly survival. The choices I make, and the intuition I hold are very useful to me as I strive to grow spiritually, but being gay and constantly wondering if the universe is really ok with the same-sex relationship is just beyond me.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I know that I am a child of God and that there really truly is a Heavenly Family that I am apart of, but I don’t know that my desires for men are wrong, I don’t know if being attracted to a man is merely just a struggle/temptation, or an actual tool that I should be using on my path to spiritual development.

I long for the day when I don’t have to worry about it.

Things are getting better with me. I’m feeling less and less tied to masturbation and pornography. I’ve been able to cut it out. I still have desires for it every now and again, but I’m not tied to it. It’s a good feeling to regain that power that I once lost to the addiction of staring at naked men. Gay sex is addicting. It’s more than just an attraction, it’s like an unquenchable thirst that continually gnaws at m like it will never be satisfied. I feel like since I’ve stopped looking at porn and have subsequently stopped masturbating, that I’ve been able to feel more in control, and to feel more at peace with myself.

Can't Get It Up

2007-01-31T07:33:00.000-08:00

My life seems so different right now. I’m seeing myself in different ways, and I’m looking at the world is a slightly different color. I’m not sure where this change has come from, but as of the last omission, I have not involved myself with p&m. It feels good to have walked away from such a difficult addiction, yet I see that I still suffer from its captivating choke hold. I feel like I might relapse anytime now. But at least I’m aware, and present with the fact that I struggle and I am weak in this area. Perhaps someday it will become my strength. Until then, I’ll try to lean on the Lord and have Him help me with this daunting task of spiritual cleanliness.

Slowly I see myself progressing in ways that I never thought I could actually attain. I have now mastered a 6-pack. I have never had this definition in my abdomen in my life, but as of late I have been working hard to achieve the physical form that I would like. I still have a long way to go, but I’m beginning to be even prouder of the way I look.

Mentally I have been turning off the TV and focusing on reading and creative endeavors. I feel a lot more solid now that I have been able to rely on myself for entertainment, rather than the TV or movies. I haven’t seen a movie in a long time, and I like it. I like not sitting down for two hours to only feel a little bit of entertainment. Now I am active and constantly stimulated by my own accomplishments. I guess that sounds a little narcissistic of me, but I like.

And then there’s the issue of my marriage. My wonderful marriage to my seriously incredible wife; she’s stunning and she is everything that I have ever wanted in the woman of my dreams (not to mention, she has a 6-pack too). And yet I can’t get an erection. I can’t get the unit up. It’s frustrating and it’s more than embarrassing. She of course knows that I am attracted to the male persuasion, but not being able to get it up has never been a problem. I’ve mostly been able to get it up, but lately it’s just not interested at all. I’m only 28 for f*** sake! I’ll be 29 next month, maybe that has something to do with it, but a sexless marriage is still good, but it’s definitely incomplete.

I still feel like there are days that I just want to throw in the towel and say goodbye to the whole married-to-a-woman thing. But I feel that my progression on the earth is best suited for me to be with a woman.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have kids. To love my own offspring and raise a little boy that looks like me and to hold a little girl that has my same genetic makeup. None of that can happen if my impotence continues, and my homosexuality gets in the way of my marriage. That last sentence is funny. With laughing fingers I write again: “my homosexuality gets in the way of my marriage.” Remember that one.

Drop It Like It's Hot

2006-12-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, there are a lot of things that I want to say but don't really have the words to express them. I'm really in love with life right now, but only for the moment. It might fade in a half hour or so get it while it's hot. I just had therapy session, and like Samantha, I too love my therapist. He's amazing and while I realize that I'll only be with him a short while, I'm really glad that I've had the time with him that I've had.

I feel lost in a way, and that's ok. I feel torn and that's also ok. Being ok is confusing because when you put a stamp on something that it's "ok" then what you're feeling inside is more than ok, you are feeling great. I feel good right now because I've realized that it's ok to be torn and to feel like I want to have sex with a guy, it's ok. I mean I recognize it, I intillecutalize it and notice that it doesn't fit in with my life at the moment so I don't do it. But there's no need to feel guilt about it. I'm horny...cool. So what? Not a big deal. Life goes on and I eat a cheesburger and watch Ugly Betty and I'm fine.

I love my wife so much right now. This may sound awkward, but I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't hot. It's really fun being with her and spending time with her. She's my hero. She's my rock and my savior...forget about Jesus, my wife's the only pilot I need. Just kidding. I take that back. It was for humor only. But in all seriousness I love the Lord and I'm on his team. I recognize that there are more important things to worry about than who I'm having sex with, or what gender people are. If the Prophet says don't have sex outside of a hetero marriage then I'm fine with that, it's not easy, but hey...what is?

My Drug Of Choice

2006-12-01T12:16:00.000-08:00

I’m really disconnected to myself. I honestly can’t tell you what I’m feeling right now. I’m physically hungry, but other than that I don’t have any emotions. Maybe that’s good.

I have been really awkward with my porn and masturbation fix, I am feeling more and more like an addict. I do get a high from seeing it and releasing from it. It’s crazy that my body responds so quickly to the activity of just looking at a photo.

I’m very aware that my life is not my own. I look at my life and I say to myself: “hey, that’s a cool life. It looks pretty and it looks fun. And then I look inside myself and I don’t see the same life, I don’t see the same person.

Duality sucks because you can only be one person at a time. Duality is useful because it creates a feeling of control. I’m getting really good at hiding and pretending. I should be a 007, I loved that movie by the way. Daniel Craig is mucho hoto! He’s just a very masculine guy, with an amazing body.

I guess I do feel something, I feel lust. It’s good to know that I can always come back to lust. My old friend lust will never let me down. Even in my most of numb times I still feel that push toward its release.

I feel high right now, but I’m not. Maybe because I just masturbated I’m feeling the high. Monetarily, this is a really inexpensive addiction (that’s the bright side).

Pixel Hell

2006-11-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think that my life is just meant to be what it is. I'm not saying that I am "doomed" to live a life without male romantic interaction, I simply feel that my life is suppose to be me as a gay man trying to make a hetero marriage work because in the long run I will be blessed(?). I know that I paint my life to be such a blood bath, but in all honesty, I use this blog to emote and to release what pain I go through. Part of the reason why I blog is because after blogging I feel much better.

I feel overwhelmed at the responses I have gotten from people who I've never met, but say they care about me. That's amazing. I feel blessed to have that type of interaction in my life, especially when I go through things that feel like they will never get better.

I'm addicted to pornography. I went to one meeting that the Church holds for addiction. It was good, but it felt really uncomfortable because I couldn't open up and really say what I wanted to say. I don't know if I was nervous, but I just don't understand how to get away from porn.

It's a little frightening because I've never had this problem before. I mean sure, I use to look at porn once and awhile, but it's just become more and more frequent to the point that I have to be doing it every day. Sometimes that's all I think about. Why does the mind hold on to such images like they're candy? It's so crazy that I can look at a picture and feel relief. I'm in serious need of trying to get this habbit out of my life.

Interestingly enough, I want pornography out of my life, but I don't know if that desire out weighs my desire to look at it in the first place.

Last week I was alone in an office without a computer, and I really really wanted to see any type of gay porn that I could get my hads on. I was looking though books and DVD's and I couldn't find anything that would satisfy me. I felt like a drug addict looking in a medicine cabinet for something to get my fix. In desparation I picked up my digital camera and started taking photos of myself naked. Somehow that was enough for the moment, but isn't that sick? I had to look at photos of myself naked to get off!? I don't get it.

I feel desperate. I'm a little uncertain of what I can do to take care of this problem. Who cares that I'm gay, who cares that I've messed up in the past with guys? I just want to not be bound by something so trivial as digital pixels of flesh. It's just frustrating.

The Heavy Laden Club

2006-11-28T07:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I read Elder Oak’s talk, “He Heals the Heavy Laden.” And who of us aren’t heavy laden? If you were to ask anyone in the Church I think they would attest to the fact that they have many things that weigh them down and put them into the “heavy laden category. And yet there are times when even the most prestigious of the H.L.C. (Heavy Laden Club) are feeling more buoyed up, than weighed down, and that’s because being heavy laden is fluid. We feel it more times than others, and I’ve also been told that sexuality is fluid. For me that’s not necessarily the case, but since I’ve been married I’ve gained some pretty strong heterosexual desires for sex, that I otherwise have never encountered before.

But fluidity is the least of my problems, and the least of interest concerning this entry. I wanted to mull over a couple of things that Mr. Dallin H. said, with the hopes of better understanding this “disease” called “same-gender attraction.” Doesn’t that phrase, “same-gender attraction” sound so safe? No rainbow waiving drag queens or leather wearing hairy men with whips come to mind when someone uses “same-gender attraction.” Leave it to the Church to revolutionize the very simple three letter word (say it under your breath with a slight whisper...”gay”) that has become a politically correct term around the world.

With less sarcasm let me say that I really did enjoy Elder Oak’s talk. It was sincere, and I felt like his message was clear and probably very helpful to most of the members of the Church. But confusion fills my mind in regard to some of the phrasing he used. He implied a lot about “healing,” he said:

Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.

That last sentence really made me think. In referring to healing as something that doesn’t actually heal, but that lifts our burdens and gives us patients, now that makes sense because I know that I will never be free of the temptations, desires, and issues that surround my homosexual tendencies, but I do know that I can learn how to deal with them adequately. The only problem I see with that is that visually it looks and feels a lot like a tight rope, always afraid of falling and never being ok with the security of balance.

I guess that’s the way I see myself in the gospel. I see myself as the man on a tight rope, who can’t let his guard down, who can’t sit and rest, and who has to constantly be worried that he’s going to fall. I look below me and I see people who have actually fallen off the rope and who have landed on a net and are now living their lives below me with no worry of falling down and all the time in the world to just let their guard down and just be.

So I therefore am led to believe that I need more faith. I need more faith in the Savior and His healing power because that’s what this life is about, not finding out more about myself, but finding out how the Lord is the only path to true and everlasting happiness. And if the Lord’s prophets and apostles tell me that homosexuality is a sin, then here I stand on the tight rope, praying and hoping that I make it to the other side.

I'm Here

2006-11-27T11:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, wasting away is the best option. You have a lot of choices in front of you, and the best one seems to be the road to complacency. I’m the kind of person that waits to feel and see what will come my way. I don’t wrestle with much else but the decision to decide. I’m here for a day and I see everything clearly, then for the second after I’m hitting my head against the wall and wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.

I hate looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I don’t want to be attracted to myself. I don’t want to lust after my own face. I want to hate myself but I can’t. I’m learning to listen to my own features. I sit and wait for the silence to take my lips and make them into origami or something sleek and frivolous. Everything I do is an empty attempt to make my life weaker and weaker. I listen to the radio to hear a man sing. I look at photos to see a semblance of masculinity. I am aware, far too aware of the message that testosterone can cast. I’m here, looking for the world, and the only figures that I can make out are lying down and naked.

I hate the way that I forget what it feels like to be free from guilt. I’m destined to survive along with my guilt. I’ll carry the banner of loathing and shame to my grave, and when the shattered cracks of gatherings hit my forehead, I’ll still be hiding from the same guilt that held my hand through all of life’s obstacles and triumphs.

I’m here to decide, and therefore I have decided not to decide anymore. I’m happy with pain and dissolution. I’m happy with inconsistency, and I’m very free knowing that I don’t have to hope for a masculine smile or an embrace that was meant only for my body.

The lines of hurt and pleasure are fast approaching. Half lived and half wanted is all that is stable when it comes to staying still.

Where Do I Put This?

2006-11-03T12:40:00.000-08:00

The truth is out to my wife. She knows that I masturbate and look at gay porn. She is hurt beyond words. I don't know if she'll ever really forgive me. I love her so much.

Before I get any comments, I just wanted to point out the obvious that "Yes, I am depressed, and yes I am seeing a clinician."

I am a real human being. I'm in deep pain 20% of the time, about 30% of the time it's tolerable. The rest is sleep and pleasant conversation.

You look at my life and it's really great. People see me and respect me a great deal. I have everything I've ever wanted. I sometimes look at what my life is like and I feel jealousy towards me.

I have three weeks for a miracle to happen. I'm giving myself three weeks to figure out how to act appropriately. I'm not playing around anymore. This is life or death.

I don't want a job. I don't want to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to wait. I don't want to see neckties. I don't want to brush my teeth.

I'm done trying to solve my own problem. Either I end up forgetting that I'm alive or I start making myself feel something besides anxiety.

Look at what pretending has done...it's lead me to erase myself from my own mind.