Angst of a Different Color

Of course there are moments of in which anxiety fills my soul and I am left with a lot of automatic responses that have been ingrained in me from years of looking so cheerful and full of bliss. I cover up well. I think I almost resent the fact that I can walk around and have nothing from the inside permeate that outer surface. The workings of my soul are shouting "I feel anxiety and depression 60% of the time!" And yet on the outer shell conveys a sincere smile, and the people in my life look to me for guidance and support. I think most of my friends are sometimes more messed up than I am, but then again they don't have the ability to hide most of their emotions like I do.

I sometimes wonder if I like angst. I am attracted to angst maybe. I don't know what it is but I look back and have no one to blame but myself, I am smart, articulate, and very self-aware; and yet here I am living in a life that is not something that I would have chosen.

Now if only the angst would communicate with me and let me know the source and purpose of its mission to stay with me and make me feel pain. Then will I be able to at least work with it, because as of now and in the foreseeable future…it's not going away.