Elbow: Angst of a Different Color

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Angst of a Different Color

Of course there are moments of in which anxiety fills my soul and I am left with a lot of automatic responses that have been ingrained in me from years of looking so cheerful and full of bliss. I cover up well. I think I almost resent the fact that I can walk around and have nothing from the inside permeate that outer surface. The workings of my soul are shouting "I feel anxiety and depression 60% of the time!" And yet on the outer shell conveys a sincere smile, and the people in my life look to me for guidance and support. I think most of my friends are sometimes more messed up than I am, but then again they don't have the ability to hide most of their emotions like I do.

I sometimes wonder if I like angst. I am attracted to angst maybe. I don't know what it is but I look back and have no one to blame but myself, I am smart, articulate, and very self-aware; and yet here I am living in a life that is not something that I would have chosen.

Now if only the angst would communicate with me and let me know the source and purpose of its mission to stay with me and make me feel pain. Then will I be able to at least work with it, because as of now and in the foreseeable futureā€¦it's not going away.


Anonymous tbirdguy58 on gaycom said...

My God, Elbow, we're total strangers but I'm feeling so much pain for you. I'm sitting here in my cube at work teary-eyed and practically blubbering. I wish so bad I could just hold you and you could cry and let it all out. Don't you have someone to hold you tight and reassure you that things will be OK?

They will, THEY WILL!! Please have faith in that.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Elbow said...

Thank You Tbirdguy.
I really appreciate your empathy and reassurance, it means a lot to me.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Elbow, you and I have talked about this before, but I'll echo what tbirdguy wrote: You're going to be fine, and you're going to thrive.

11:42 AM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

Welcome back Elbow. All the best. I understand the depression and the anxiety. I feel you 110 percent. Try to relax and know that everything will be okay.

11:47 PM  
Blogger CatchingWaterfalls said...

Hey, Welcome Back!!!!!!!!!!! Please never leave us again. I would also like to say things will be ok in the end. Hang in there!

10:44 AM  
Blogger -L- said...

I find myself hunting a lot too. It's not something I do consciously, it's a completely organic reflex. I see guys and I talk and smile and think of what could be.

I think (although I'm not sure) this is why I've been propositioned a couple times for gay sex. I can't imagine this is typical for someone like me unless I'm setting off some serious gaydar. :)

10:34 AM  

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