It's hard finding motivation to write here where as before I had a lot of angst to let out. And the joy I currently feel from the abandoning of my faith in the Mormon Church and the escape of a lifestyle that wasn't authentically mine, leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that. They like feeling tortured and clingy and as a way to justify pain and sorrow the fall back is always the Church.
As I look at the LDS faith I see a past that had so many happy moments and the culture in which it was fostered is more of a lifestyle than a religion. As I see it, God is good (if there is a God) and if God is good then why would he discriminate against a man and a man loving each other and wanting a family? Why would two women in love be any different than one man and many wives falling in love with each other? And as the Church is suppose to be consistent with God's plan, why is there so much change? Especially when it appears that God changes so much to fit the current political and technological advancements. Which is cool, but it still doesn't explain why there is only one Church. If God changes so much then shouldn't he be allowed to change Churches like the Church seems to change policies.
Why are people born into the Church and feel that it's the right and only and truest Church when they haven't experienced other religions or lifestyles? Why does the Church feel like it has to outlaw the love that I feel when it was challenged in times past about the way that their family structure functions? Surely if anyone understands what it's like to be discriminated against for unconventional marriage practices it should be the Church?
And what's up with all these gay Mormon bloggers who feel that they have to fight for gay marriage but not to it in the confines of their religion. Technically shouldn't they be handing in their temple recommends for not having the same views as the Prophets on the matter of gay marriage. And if anything should be done about the way that people within the faith see other people outside of the faith shouldn't I be more inclined to prove that I'm a good person regardless of my status in the Church? Should I not be the one to show people that a gay man is as equally loved and full of joy as a man within the Church?
I don't get it. I don't understand it and finally I am free to live my life the way that I love and the way that makes me happy and complete and full of growth and beauty.
I struggle with keeping this blog open cause I'm not sure what purpose it serves. I'm hiding my identity for what? I'm blogging about how happy I am in the context of a religion that I don't even practice anymore and I'm slow to feel empathy for the situation of gay mormon bloggers who I don't feel close to because I don't like listening to the back and forth stories of feeling like the only thing left to do in life is endure to the end. What are you enduring? You're enduring the Church. Do you realize that? You're enduring the very thing that you're suppose be living for. But you can't wait for it to all be settled in the next life and in the meantime your life, your present life is passing you by and you are not living in the moment.
Live in the moment. Fight for the moment. Don't endure the Church, don't endure anything. Just live and follow the authentic and truthful calling of your life and your sexuality and your way of giving and receiving love and your way of being yourself and true and good and present.
Maybe this is why I don't blog that much anymore... it's exhausting trying to fight fear.