Elbow: September 2008

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Quite Possibly The Best Thing...

Being a dad is my most sought after roles. I look forward to it and ponder daily what it would mean and how it will feel. Recently with the self-outed Clay Aiken coming to the press and announcing his homosexuality, he sites his child as the one reason why he decided to make his sexuality public. He reports: “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things.” Wow. To me that speaks volumes about what it means to not just be a dad, but to be a human, and to strive for honesty in a way that not only effects your well being but the growth and progression of the children that enter our lives.

I can't wait to be a dad. I can't wait to share my life with a child that will teach me in ways that only children can. I want to to dad things and have dad outings, and of course I want to do all of this with a partner who loves and supports me.

When I was married to a woman I had the chance to have children. She wanted them and so did I but deep down inside I always felt that it was wrong to bring a baby into the relationship that me and my wife lived. We would have been amazing parents and we would have given the child an awesome home, but at the end of the day I knew that I would be lying to this child who would expect me to love and cherish his or her mother the way that straight men interact with their wives. And on some level as children always do and as people begin to notice that I was living a lie and that I was in the process teaching my son or daughter to lie. How much better off will I be and will my children be growing up in a home with complete honesty and authenticity. What power and integrity will the child feel to know that his or her dad is living and honest path.

Monday, September 22, 2008

One Of The Best Things About Being Gay...

Just a kiss. A simple sweet and intimate kiss. Need I say more?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


To my bewilderment I see that people still check my blog here which pleases me because I love those of you who commented. You are a huge part of my journey and I appreciate the desire to know about my life and to continue to play a part in my journey.

Scot said...
"I think I know that exhaustion you describe ;-).
I'm curious. I came out when I thought there were no other gay people around, let alone people advocating for gay rights. With your history here and as a man who had all sides debating in comments on your blog and who, I'm sure, once posted something about enduring in the LDS faith that frustrated me :-), how do you regard that past? Do you think you'd have just ended up where you are regardless of our peanut gallery of blogs and comments, maybe even sooner?"

Very good questions and yeah I was at some points of my dialogue about the Church and about my marriage really set on making it work and for all intents and purposes I tried my hardest to reason myself out of...reason. And I'm sure at some point I would have reached this place where I find myself now because this is what I really wanted and this is what I worked for. I ultimately didn't want to live my life in a compromise and I didn't want to 'settle' for something. I truly wanted to experience happiness on every level and venue and my life at that time wasn't allowing me to do that. I find now that I am completely separated from the Church that it is crazy to me how much I felt like I had to conform to the societal pressures of my friends and family and now that I've let it all go I feel just as loved and maybe even more loved because they now me now for who I really am and they love me despite the fact that I've decided to leave the Church and pursue a gay lifestyle (whatever that means). So, Scot: I don't know if I answered your question to the extent that you would have liked but the point I want to make is that in retrospect I feel frustrated at myself for where I was at but that was part of the process and I'm just grateful that I've been able to let go and move on and continue on the path of bliss that I find myself taking part of.

"Pancakes said...
I like how you have put some of my thoughts into words. I am still a member and once felt for the longest time, I was enduring the Church, but thankfully no longer am. I agree with you that it shouldn't be that way and one needs to find peace instead of constant endurance."

Thank you so much. And that's been the point that I have tried to live my life by in someways, is that there is no end... isn't that interesting that the Church teaches that doctrinally there is no end and we limited by our mortal view of limited knowledge of time and that in God's eyes and in the scheme of the eternities and as the Kolob him suggest: "there is no end..." so why do they preach "endure to the end" so ferociously? The end doesn't exist people, only the now. Live in the now because the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist. If you are not happy and you are merely 'trying' then all you'll get is the try and not the embodiment of what you are searching for. Live it now. Be happy now. Live your life now, because it's all we have. If you wait around for there to be peace then all you'll get is no end to waiting (sung in the "Hie To Kolob" tune).

"Beck said...
"...leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that." I DO!
I want you to blog more. I need to understand your "desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living". I need to understand your "authenticity" and the journey to obtaining it. I need to experience through you your discovery of "truth" out of the context of the church. I need to see your "fight" and learn from it.
Why would anyone not find interest and not "want to hear about" such things?
Your post is bemoaning the past. So be it. Let it go. That part I don't need to hear about. Help me to know the present and the future of "Elbow"."

BECK!!!! I love you dearly, man. Thank you for your interest and for sharing your journey. I guess in a way your comment has given me more of a desire to write about my life in the now and live up to what I preach. Why dwell on the past and refer to a live that is done with. There is the now to focus on and now my life is me trying to do the best with what I have as an openly gay man who has found peace outside the LDS Church and who is learning to fly with new wings and new feathers and in that respect I have so much to say and so much to add. And yet I'll warn you, being gay and open and dating guys and all that comes with it is still just life and it's really not much different except for the fact that the angst is gone. And there's only so many times I can mention the lack of angst in reference to what my life is now. But I do have so much that I think will and can be of interest.

SO on that note I'll mention that the best and most rewarding thing about my present life is the freedom I feel to be me and to feel so much love for myself. I can't express how much I love myself, and if that sounds weird then what follows might sound weirder: I'm so blessed by my life at the present that I feel sorry for people who aren't gay and who aren't able to live openly gay lifestyles. Gay culture, gay people, gay things are pretty much the same as straight things and everyday people, the only difference is that gay people have all come to an obstacle and faced the challenge of society and self-loathing and uncertainty and as a result are collectively fierce group of fighters. Granted there are the bitchy queens and the negative 'girls' but the commodore is undeniably beautiful and I'm surprised at how much I value that part of being paralleled with that collective consciousness.

And as someone who loves himself and who is so proud of his own journey, it feels really amazing to be in my skin and to be who I am and how I am and where I am in my life. So many blessings have come from my choice to live in this state of blatant old fashioned honesty.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

To Fight For

It's hard finding motivation to write here where as before I had a lot of angst to let out. And the joy I currently feel from the abandoning of my faith in the Mormon Church and the escape of a lifestyle that wasn't authentically mine, leaves me with the desire to fight for the cause of truth and justice in the context of healthy gay living. But not a lot of the gay Mormon bloggers want to hear about that. They like feeling tortured and clingy and as a way to justify pain and sorrow the fall back is always the Church.
As I look at the LDS faith I see a past that had so many happy moments and the culture in which it was fostered is more of a lifestyle than a religion. As I see it, God is good (if there is a God) and if God is good then why would he discriminate against a man and a man loving each other and wanting a family? Why would two women in love be any different than one man and many wives falling in love with each other? And as the Church is suppose to be consistent with God's plan, why is there so much change? Especially when it appears that God changes so much to fit the current political and technological advancements. Which is cool, but it still doesn't explain why there is only one Church. If God changes so much then shouldn't he be allowed to change Churches like the Church seems to change policies.
Why are people born into the Church and feel that it's the right and only and truest Church when they haven't experienced other religions or lifestyles? Why does the Church feel like it has to outlaw the love that I feel when it was challenged in times past about the way that their family structure functions? Surely if anyone understands what it's like to be discriminated against for unconventional marriage practices it should be the Church?
And what's up with all these gay Mormon bloggers who feel that they have to fight for gay marriage but not to it in the confines of their religion. Technically shouldn't they be handing in their temple recommends for not having the same views as the Prophets on the matter of gay marriage. And if anything should be done about the way that people within the faith see other people outside of the faith shouldn't I be more inclined to prove that I'm a good person regardless of my status in the Church? Should I not be the one to show people that a gay man is as equally loved and full of joy as a man within the Church?
I don't get it. I don't understand it and finally I am free to live my life the way that I love and the way that makes me happy and complete and full of growth and beauty.
I struggle with keeping this blog open cause I'm not sure what purpose it serves. I'm hiding my identity for what? I'm blogging about how happy I am in the context of a religion that I don't even practice anymore and I'm slow to feel empathy for the situation of gay mormon bloggers who I don't feel close to because I don't like listening to the back and forth stories of feeling like the only thing left to do in life is endure to the end. What are you enduring? You're enduring the Church. Do you realize that? You're enduring the very thing that you're suppose be living for. But you can't wait for it to all be settled in the next life and in the meantime your life, your present life is passing you by and you are not living in the moment.
Live in the moment. Fight for the moment. Don't endure the Church, don't endure anything. Just live and follow the authentic and truthful calling of your life and your sexuality and your way of giving and receiving love and your way of being yourself and true and good and present.
Maybe this is why I don't blog that much anymore... it's exhausting trying to fight fear.