E L B O W
Elbow: Headed Home

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Headed Home

I'm going to be back in UT next week and after not only just being away, but being out of the counrty...i've felt a little anxious about spending so much time with my mom and having to work out all the unspoken issues between us about my journey as an out gay man. I do respect where my mom is at and I don't feel frustrated with her. If anything I recognize that my disengagement with the Church is not an easy for her to grasp or even accept. The thing I am grateful for is that she loves me and she expresses that. Hopefully when there is a man in my life she will be able to embrace my choice for love. I've set that intention and trust that the universe will grant me that.

So as my little brother prepares to serve a mission and enter the MTC, my mom has her other son who has left the Church and who is gay. The dicotomy is quite beautiful if you ask me. The path that both my brother and myself are on is special and unique to each of us and I embrace his choice to serve a mission and love that he is going to have so many amazing chances for growth in these next two years. And likewise he trusts me and knows that I am living my life the way that I need to in order for me to be truly happy. He supports me and is proud of my decisions to do what I need to do to live my life.

I love my little brother so much and his love and generous devotion towards me is truly inspiring. I am going to miss him more than I've ever missed anyone. This stay in UT will be wonderful, scary and heartbreaking. Saying goodbye to one of the most precious human beings I have in my life will tear me apart, but getting to spend time with him before he leaves will in turn give me much to be grateful for. And as I battle the disaproval of my mother during all of this I have to remember that I have a committment to myself; to live my life with the most pure and honest of intentions and actions. I have to be happy and I have to experience and live the way that I feel is most genuine and important to my progress. Someday she will understand that.

6 Comments:

Blogger Scot said...

I'm glad you're on your way back; when you get settled, give us a call.

And moms, they come around. I can't help but think it won't be long before this is settled between you, and your relationship stronger for it.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Forester said...

You've had a long journey the past couple of years. I'm glad you have shared so much of your life with us during this time.

I'm curious about your departure from the church. Looking back, do you think you would have still left the church even if you weren't gay? I know that being gay was a huge catalyst, but what about everything else about the church and its teachings - the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, Temples, etc? I'm just curious and have no hidden agenda here.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Clark said...

I'm so proud of you. you are an amazing man, YOURE REAL and you ain't never been to no mexico-- ain't nobody can take that joy away from you. I love you and support you con todo mi ser. I know things with your mother will be tots awk, but at the same time you will both grow and share the love that will ultimately win out. I heart you.

8:21 PM  
Blogger One of So Many said...

I recommend giving her the book "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Pearson. It may better help her understand your situation.

7:31 PM  
Blogger elbow said...

Dear 'one of so many',

I love Sister Pearson's book. It's amazing and so important for everyone to read. My mom has already read it and of course the change that needs to take place isn't as easy as finishing a book...

12:58 AM  
Blogger [kɹeɪ̯g̊] said...

It is very hard for parents who raised their child in Mormonism to see them choose another path - especially because (falsely) teaches that all other paths are inherently inferior, if not downright bad. That has been my parents' biggest struggle in trying to come to grips with my leaving the church. They are firmly convinced that I am wrong, no matter how many times and in how many ways I explain to them why that's not so.

I feel a similar dichotomy in my family as well. My sister just graduated HS, and is coming to BYU in the fall. Its interesting, that when I was her age, I was still a strongly believing Mormon, going to BYU just as she is.

And as I battle the disaproval of my mother during all of this I have to remember that I have a committment to myself; to live my life with the most pure and honest of intentions and actions. I have to be happy and I have to experience and live the way that I feel is most genuine and important to my progress. Someday she will understand that.

It's amazing to me how closely I identify with your own feelings about your family and leaving the church.

I hope that my parents will too come to understand that.

8:45 AM  

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