E L B O W
Elbow: Don't Hurt Yourself

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Don't Hurt Yourself


So more than anything I've been trying to find balance and I've been searching for the most optimal way to heal.

After the divorce, being single came really easy to me. It wasn't a hard adjustment to make, and yet there are times when I really feel the pull to be in a relationship even though it just isn't the most optimal of times for me to do that. I feel as though there's a lot of time that needs to pass and a lot of learning and healing to take place before I am able to merge my life with someone. And so I enter the world of dating, not with the purpose of finding someone to be in a relationship with, but to have fun and experience a wide range of freedom and enjoyment.

The dangers of this are pretty straight forward. I date, I kiss, I flirt and have fun and people start to feel more than I'm willing to let myself. I constantly find myself trying to tell the guys I'm dating that I'm not ready for a relationship, but that I'm fine with dating without being exclusive. Almost always someone gets hurt.

I'm in a situation right now that is one of the most frustrating and yet flattering experiences I've had with dating. The drama builds and I'm left with the worry that I'm not going to be "the cute nice guy" anymore, but the "the player."

Kissing turns into feelings and cuddling turns into feelings and spending time with people turns into feelings and yet I'm not the one feeling the same feelings as my counterparts.

Last week I met two guys that I thought would be ideal for me to be friends with. Both were best friends and I went out dancing with guy 1 and nothing happend between us, we danced very appropriately and had a lot of fun and later I hear that he likes me. So I try to keep my distance without having the awkward conversation of telling him that I'm not interested. Then he and his best friend and I go out dancing and I end up getting too close to the friend and we end up kissing. Granted, I know this is my fault and that I shouldn't have gone there with the best friend, but part of me wanted to show that I'm open in who I spend my time with and that I'm only looking to have fun. So there after guy 2 develops feelings for me and the fight between friends insues and I'm the one who is looked at as the source of contention. So not only is that frienship out of the quesiton, guy 2 is pursuing me and while I want to kiss him and have fun with him, I now have to keep my distance because he says that he likes me "a lot."

I just want to have fun. I thought that the gay world was more permiscuous than this. I mean I'm not complaining, but everyone wants to jump into a relationship. What ever happened to playing the field and taking your time?

More than anything it's a lot of pressure. I hate feeling like I need to have the conversation with someone that I don't like them and I also don't like avoiding them either. I don't like hurting people, and at the same time I just want to live my life. Sometimes I feel like living my life also translates into people getting their feelings hurt and I don't like being the source of that pain.

6 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Welcome back to blogging! I'm glad to hear that you are dating again. Good luck with everything and I'm sure things will work out for the best although I don't have any more specific advice for you in regards to the best friends but you can't really go wrong with being honest though...letting the guys you date that you just got out of a long relationship and you just want to hang out and have fun. Keep in touch!

2:54 PM  
Blogger Clark said...

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. New York was really feelin' me.... Wyatt your life right now.. I don't know what to say. I just feel the f*ck out of you because once again I just have so much crossover with you. Its really hard to have people believe that you are truly in the dating mode when you are giving them the most husband vibe they have ever felt. It really is about energy. Its so hard to not give people husband energy when that is what we have learned to give people not only from our mormon background, but from purely social experimentation we learn that if you give husband energy, the majority of people will like, respect and probably love you. But when husband that you just met says "I may feel like husband, but I am telling you that I am flirt partner, kiss partner, and fun partner. I am not your husband. That man is (not) you. Its confusing for them.

ON THE OTHER HAND you can't let this pressure bog you down. You are being honest and telling these boys the full story which is not what a player would do. If they create you into a player, then it is their doing not yours! A player tells everyone the same falsehood.. that he is really into them too and he allows them to believe that they alone are the recipient of his ample affections. YOU are just telling the truth and being attractive and wonderful. Of course people want to secure you! You are vibrating at a very very high frequency-- and your honesty about what you want is making them only want you more!! Its a hard balance to find, but in the end you deserve to be where you are (everyone does). Don't be afraid to just casually call it like it is "the truth?? I tell the truth too" (aussie accent). I've been here A LOT too and it does take some creativity if you want to keep everyone as a friend I'm not gonna lie. I am confident you will weather this with flying colors like you do everything. You are amazing I swear on my daughter's life. I just love you SOOOOOO much jameka.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Clark said...

Just please help me in the competitions, especially with endurance, God. I mean I'm not in shape.. please give me discipline to work out and eat right.. I just love you SO much God, and... God bless you

10:22 PM  
Blogger Mike Kessler said...

The promiscuity that you wonder about is so 60's and 70's. It was certainly wild and crazy for gays then but straights weren't terribly different. And you'll still find the Larry Craigs of the world who hang out in bathrooms. Your "average gay man" is a regular guy who wants to fall in love, get married and spend happily ever after with his true love. The biggest problem you'll find is that the dating pool is much smaller, like by ten times, so you wind up learning to make friends with exes, and maybe trying again with people who didn't work out a couple of years before. As problems go, having guys fall in love with you is not a problem, it's a blessing.

9:35 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

"husband energy"? That's a new one on me...

"...As problems go, having guys fall in love with you is not a problem, it's a blessing..." Oh that we all had your problems, Elbow!:)

3:23 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

The complexities of gay life never cease to amaze me. You would think that your life would be much more "simple" now that you have come to terms with yourself and your sexuality. I guess I was way wrong. Life is always complex.

11:11 PM  

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