Don't Hurt Yourself
So more than anything I've been trying to find balance and I've been searching for the most optimal way to heal.
After the divorce, being single came really easy to me. It wasn't a hard adjustment to make, and yet there are times when I really feel the pull to be in a relationship even though it just isn't the most optimal of times for me to do that. I feel as though there's a lot of time that needs to pass and a lot of learning and healing to take place before I am able to merge my life with someone. And so I enter the world of dating, not with the purpose of finding someone to be in a relationship with, but to have fun and experience a wide range of freedom and enjoyment.
The dangers of this are pretty straight forward. I date, I kiss, I flirt and have fun and people start to feel more than I'm willing to let myself. I constantly find myself trying to tell the guys I'm dating that I'm not ready for a relationship, but that I'm fine with dating without being exclusive. Almost always someone gets hurt.
I'm in a situation right now that is one of the most frustrating and yet flattering experiences I've had with dating. The drama builds and I'm left with the worry that I'm not going to be "the cute nice guy" anymore, but the "the player."
Kissing turns into feelings and cuddling turns into feelings and spending time with people turns into feelings and yet I'm not the one feeling the same feelings as my counterparts.
Last week I met two guys that I thought would be ideal for me to be friends with. Both were best friends and I went out dancing with guy 1 and nothing happend between us, we danced very appropriately and had a lot of fun and later I hear that he likes me. So I try to keep my distance without having the awkward conversation of telling him that I'm not interested. Then he and his best friend and I go out dancing and I end up getting too close to the friend and we end up kissing. Granted, I know this is my fault and that I shouldn't have gone there with the best friend, but part of me wanted to show that I'm open in who I spend my time with and that I'm only looking to have fun. So there after guy 2 develops feelings for me and the fight between friends insues and I'm the one who is looked at as the source of contention. So not only is that frienship out of the quesiton, guy 2 is pursuing me and while I want to kiss him and have fun with him, I now have to keep my distance because he says that he likes me "a lot."
I just want to have fun. I thought that the gay world was more permiscuous than this. I mean I'm not complaining, but everyone wants to jump into a relationship. What ever happened to playing the field and taking your time?
More than anything it's a lot of pressure. I hate feeling like I need to have the conversation with someone that I don't like them and I also don't like avoiding them either. I don't like hurting people, and at the same time I just want to live my life. Sometimes I feel like living my life also translates into people getting their feelings hurt and I don't like being the source of that pain.