E L B O W
Elbow: Found

Monday, January 21, 2008

Found

I've felt so emotional lately. A couple of days ago I watched an old man on cnn claim that "it's our god given right to vote" and I burst into tears because of the passion he displayed. And today as I listened to a co-worker speak of a rocky relationship with his father I realized that there is a sensitive side of me that was once hidden from view. I went an entire period of years where I didn't know how to cry. I didn't feel the release of emotion and I didn't allow myself to let go. I walked through the grocery store today crying. Feeling blessed, feeling helpless, feeling sad, feeling happy, feeling grateful and feeling alive.

I feel like I've finally uncovered the tool that I was looking for. I'm not pretending anymore. I'm raw and unfiltered and I'm good and kind. I have a heart and I display it without question. Perhaps it's just the place I've found myself for now, or maybe I didn't need to be in touch with this resource of release.

Whatever the case, I'm happy now that I've found a side of me that speaks and shouts and cheers when the occasion permits. And I'm also angry for feeling like I had to repress the depth of my nature and the urgency of my soul.

No one should ever feel like they can't be authentic. No one should ever give into the pressures of being one thing or saying another. You are you and while others will judge that, the life that you inherit has to be your own.

More often than not we are presented with choices. The choice to feel can't be over looked, regardless of its consequences.

5 Comments:

Blogger One of So Many said...

I'm jealous because I'm still learning and trying to cry to release the emotions i have inside. Maybe I'll get there too. I'm glad you found a way.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Let it flow, man! Let it flow!

I gave up trying not to cry early on in my life... Being free to express emotion is so much better than trying to keep it all inside.

6:47 AM  
Blogger cl2 said...

I was just directed to this blogspot by the lawrenzz youtube videos. I wish I had more time to read. I'm the ex-wife (still married, separated 12 years now) of a gay man (married in 1984). I just felt the need to say SOMETHING--anything.

You can read MY STORY on wearewildflowers.com --I'm Colleen.

I have come to accept my ex as a gay man. I left the church over the issue. I feel for your mother, but I feel for you also. I wish I could transport all those who love a gay to the point I am at (including my own daughter).

I "feel" your pain. The LDS church even asks those of us women who marry a gay to put that "authenticity" on the back burner. I am now in a relationship with the man I WANTED TO MARRY 30 years ago. It has been SO HEALING. There is not enough that can be said about being with WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH. It is a life-altering experience.

It is important that WE ALL come to a good place with this situation--to save not only you and those like you from the pain, but to save me and other women/men who find themselves in a gay/straight relationship.

May I just say, IT IS OKAY that you are gay. Learn to love yourself AS YOU ARE. Let go of the labels the church has assigned to you. I, myself, have left the church and I have found fulfillment.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

Where have you been lately?

6:05 AM  
Anonymous j@y said...

goI find that interesting because I never realized I was doing it for a very long time. One time when I hurt myself fairly badly and i started to tear up, my best friend who had known me all my life said that she knew it was bad because I was crying and she had never seen me cry. And lately everything makes me cry. It's interesting how when you finally release all the fear and tension that your body takes you to the other end of the spectrum. almost as if it's trying to make up for all the pent up emotion.

3:07 PM  

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