Elbow: July 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Coming Out Into Peace And Love

I wanted to post a section of an email that I wrote today to a friend who happens to be an amazing guy. He had recently talked with me about the possiblity of coming out to his sister, and he wrote me an email about actually coming close to talking about his sexuality with her. I hope I said the right things, and I hope that I was able to convey the message that he has nothing to fear when coming out to his family, only the intention that he will gain a closer and more loving relationship with those that love him so dearly. Parts of my email are as follows:

"That was a little unexpected that you almost came out to your sister, but definately a good thing. It's so interesting that once you start thinking about coming out and looking forward to being honest and truthful about yourself to other people that situations start poping up where you keep getting the chance to actually say what you've kept hidden for quite awhile.

It's good that you are thinking about coming out to her first. Having her on your side and being able to comunicate to her that you trust her and that you count her as a resource will be good for her to hear and good for you to have.

And since you asked for my advice...
First and foremost, I would set an intention for whatever conversation you are having with people who you are coming out to. Set the intention specifically that you will feel good about the conversation when it's over, that you want to share your life with those that love you the most, and that you are expecting to feel unconditional love and gratitude for the opportunity to grow as a son, brother and friend.

I'd most definately keep it positive. You might cry and you might feel really vulnerable, but you should also be able to express to whomever you are coming out to that you are happy and that you always plan on being happy. You should be able to convey how you've, of course, had some times of struggle with your sexuality, but that being able to talk about it and share it with those you love is such a positive moment that you've intended for yourself. Be grateful to her, to Heavenly Father, and to your family when you tell her. Your gratitude will only make the experience of coming out a positive one.

Most importantly, don't feel like you have to have any answers that you aren't prepared to give. If she or someone else asked you what your plans are and what you are going to do about your future, just feel good about saying "you know what, coming out has been such a big part of my focus that I don't have those answers right now and I'm just trusting that the Lord will guide me and give me whatever guidance He feels that I need when I need it." You don't have to know everything, and you don't have to feel pressured to say that how you are going to handle your situation specifically one way or the other.

Good for you! I'm really proud of you and the way you are handling this. You're such a great guy and your family is so lucky to have you. You will only grow and learn from this situation because you are coming out of love and out of an intention to be close to those that care the most about you."

Coming out is such an intense process. You can feel so vulnerable, so expossed and so embarassed. It's almost like you're heart is being ripped out of your body for display. But it doesn't have to be entirely painful, it can also be a tender and special moment. The spirit can be present and feelings of peace and comfort will accompany you with the focus that you are trying to be more honest and more connected with those that you love. I think about family bonds and the feelings that parents have for their children and that siblings have between each other and I would feel so awful if I kept my sexuality a seceret to those that mattered most in my life.

It's not easy to be honest, and it's challenging to tell people that you're gay, but thinking about the blessings that come from being able to share something so personal and so intimate is part of our earthly experience and part of our progress and our ability to vibrate and feel a sense of peace and gratitude for the lives that we've been given.

To my friend who I sent this email to, I love you and pray that you'll be able to feel comforted and to have your intentions fulfilled by this amazing oportunity to grow as a child of our Heavenly Father. I'm proud of you!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Livin' Like A Kitty

I didn’t really do anything today and I’m okay with that. I feel like I’m to the point where I can forgive myself for not squeezing the life out of everyday, and filling in every second with things and tasks and errands. I’m secure with my uneventful life right now. The way I look at it, I’ve been through so much in the past year that I have no problems with taking it easy whenever I feel like it.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of days ago and he asked me what I had planned for the following day and I said “nothing!” He was a little thrown off with my answer because he’s the kind of guy that has to fill every minute with work and productivity. I’m just not like that and I’m starting to own it and it’s fun.

One thing I did take care of today was starting to fill out my portion of the divorce papers. I’m sure there’s a lot more to do, but the initial paper work that I had to fill out is done and sent off to the attorney. When I first got the papers I felt a little sad and I felt a moment of loss, but getting them sent of today made me feel once again that we are doing the right thing.

And after I sent off the papers I took a little trip over to Petco and watched all the cute kitties live thier lives. Cats are so freakin’ cute! I love watching them just “be.” I guess that’s how I feel when I don’t try to fill my day with useless amounts of busy work, I feel like a cat who is just...being.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Science of Lust

When I was about seven years old I was sexually molested by an older cousin. He was bigger than I was, more popular and (in my opinion) better looking. It started innocently and ended up being the most confusing and painful even of my life, until now. I sometimes wonder how much my sexuality is in direct correlation with the events of my childhood. In what I've studied, sexuality is determined by age three. If that's the case then it wouldn't matter what had happened to me when I was a young kid.

Since then I've thought of a million ways to rid myself of what I thought was a defect or an abomination. Since that time I had thoughts of nothing else but extracting my lustful homosexual tendencies from my life. And the only thing that seemed to work was to pretend they weren't there. I didn't have to let others know I was struggling inside with feelings of inferiority or self-loathing and shame. No one had to know that I had secret fantasies of kissing boys that I knew at school and looking for ways to sneak views of the guys in the shower after P.E. I held it all inside, and it worked. Sometimes when I thought of the repercussions of someone finding out about my sexuality I felt relieved that I was able to keep it a secret. I looked at the guys in junior high and high school who were feminine and I looked down on them. I felt more superior because I was able to act straight enough and get by just enough so that people wouldn't question my sexuality.

I was in high school when I couldn't keep myself from wanting to look at pornography. I would go to Barnes and Noble and steal photography books of naked men and take them home to masturbate with. One day when I was looking in the Gay and Lesbian section of the bookstore I sensed that there was a guy looking at me and that he was also focused on the same homosexual shelf that I was. He looked at me and said "are you gay?"

"I don't know," I stammered

"Do you want to go talk?"

With major apprehension and huge amounts of excitement I said "yeah, I think so."

We left the book store and turned the corner. Standing in an alley way we talked about being gay and what it meant for him and what I felt about my current struggles of feeling attracted to men. He was in college and told me about how he and I could get together and experiment sexually in a private place. He was kind of cute and had a nice body, and when we started talking I immediately got an erection. I told him I'd think about it and that we could meet another day. The following week I ended up getting a blow job from him behind a local elementary school parking lot.

I didn't ever see him again because I felt shattered. After all this time of keeping it all in, I had sinned. My fantasies were no longer just in my head, but I had actually engaged in a lustful act with a guy. I liked it, I hated it, I was ashamed and I was heartbroken. I vowed from that day on that I was going to be better, and that I was going to be as straight as I possibly could. I felt that the only way I could make it right was to never look back. I was determined to go on a mission and get married and that I would do it at any cost.

I think about my younger self and feel such feelings of love and tenderness. I shutter to think of the horrible feelings I inflicted upon myself and I'm amazed that I survived without too much damaged done to my self concept.

And since then I've had to look at men and relationships in a different way. I use to think because of what I'd been told and by societal norms that being gay is wrong, that kissing a guy is a sin and that wanting to live my life with another man is unacceptable. It's hard to shift all of that toxicity at once. It's hard to focus on the beautiful parts of being gay and about being in a gay relationship. I'm not ready to start dating yet, but I still long for the companionship of a man. I want to be loved my a guy and feel intimate with a man. I want to be held and caressed by someone who loves me and who I love back. I want the attraction between me and my significant other to be equally as enticing as the spiritual and emotional connection we feel.

I know what lust feels like and this isn't it. I feel that more than anything I just want to feel at peace and I want to feel free and unconditionally loved. I'm starting to see my homosexual attractions as anything but lust, and in a way that completes the happiness in my life that I daily strive for.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Stripping Warrior

It's my pleasure to introduce to you one of the most amazing human beings I've ever had the pleasure of associating with. His name is Clark (his true photo is displayed here) and his most exceptional blog The Stripping Warrior has just officially launched!

I can't say enough good things about Clark, he is empathic, intelligent and an extreemely high vibrational spirit. In mentioning that he should start a blog I soon realized that his voice is going to make a great impact on anyone who reads it. His fire for life and his drive for joy and unconditional love is not only inspirational but deeply healing. I love him for his friendship and his ability to make me laugh in any circumstance, and I know that you'll feel what I mean by reading his first blog entry which is being posted here as my first guest blogger. Ladies and gentleman, with deep respect I give you Clark from his new blog The Stripping Warrior.

I sat in my empty house in Houston, TX shuffling through the white pages of the phone book. My dad was at work and my 6 siblings and my mom were all out of town on summer break. I was an 18 year-old pre-BYU student at the time; working at Dominos Pizza to save money for college. I was searching under the letter G for gay.

Gaylord, Gaynor.. wow. This is really ridiculous. Do I really think that I am going to find the words gay club………….713-come-out? Still I searched. What about H for homosexual.. hmm lets see. As I scanned the page something caught my eye. HATCH. That is all it said.

“You’ve reached the Houston Area Teen Coalition for Homosexuals. If you are interested in attending a meeting or speaking to someone please leave your name and phone number after the tone.”

The following day a man’s voice asked for Clark. “So, are you gay?” the man asked after some BRT’ing. A chaotic pause. “Yes,” I mustered. I had never met anyone who identified as gay before, and I was so stunned that a real actual gay person was talking to me on the phone.

My only other experience talking to a gay person on the phone was my version of phone sex. I was 16 years old and somehow had found a phone sex line that was not a 1-900 number but it was a long distance to somewhere in Indiana. I was like.. wow they must really have it going on in Indiana! Anyway, I just hoped my parents wouldn’t see the charges even though I was calling frequently asking men what it was like to be gay, and trying to figure out if I was gay. It was really hard to find someone who really wanted to talk, but occasionally I would find someone who was willing to talk to me. I remember feeling confused because I would ask these men if they were gay and many of them would say no. Eventually (of course) my parents found out, and that is a whole saga in itself. But I digress.

I attended my first HATCH meeting on a Sunday. I felt severely guilty about it. I remember attending church with my dad and then making some excuse as to where I was going that night. I felt at the time that going to a gay meeting on the Sabbath was far worse than gathering manna would have been for the Israelites, but on the other hand, my gay ox was definitely in the mire.

I still hadn’t officially told anyone in Houston that I was gay. Several months earlier I had had this moment where I stared into the mirror in my bathroom and looked deeply into my own eyes and said, “I’m gay.” I realized at the time that what I was doing was a little cheesy and overdramatic but I felt in that moment that it was warranted. I guess it could have always been more so.. I mean, I could have turned on “Close Every Door” from Joseph in the background, or worse yet, “I Will Survive.” So don’t judge.

I won’t share all the sordid details of my first gay “kiss” with someone from the group. (basically getting a tongue plunged into my adenoids after watching “Funny Girl” for the first time) But after a while I started hanging out with another guy in the group who was about my same age. We spent a lot of time together and our relationship was very sexually charged. One Sunday I attended a non-denominational church with him and his extremely homo-aware but homophobic mother. Later that day I took him to church with me. Over the sacrament hymn, the bishop eyed me in that “I totally have the gift of discernment right now” look. I stared back as if to say, “I’m ok with that.” After the meeting the ward clerk told me the bishop wanted to have a brief interview with me that evening. I obliged.

“Clark, how are you doing with masturbation?” the bishop asked. I had actually never really spoken to him about this issue, but ironically since I had started spending time with my new friend I had not really felt any need to masturbate. I told him that I was doing really well with it. He continued that he only asked because sometimes masturbation can lead to other sins: mutual masturbation and then even more serious acts, such as homosexuality. “Are you serious?” I dubiously inquired. “Do you really think that masturbation can actually cause homosexuality?” By this time I had already read SW Kimball’s Crime Against Nature chapter of The Miracle of Forgiveness, so I was well versed with this developmental theory. The bishop seemed a little thrown off balance by my response. He cautiously asked me if I disagreed with that idea. Hmm. Should I try to present a more truthful view of homosexuality to this kind man who has the best intentions for me (by telling him I know I am gay), or should I shrug off the topic and go my merry way? “Yes I disagree with that idea,” I finally blurted out. “I know masturbation doesn’t cause homosexuality because I realized I was gay long before I ever masturbated.” Now he seemed even more shocked. He clearly hadn’t expected me to be so forthright or so self-aware for that matter.

In short order I told him about my involvement in HATCH, my necking and petting with my new male friend, and everything else I had been hiding about my sexuality. I even told him about my first sexual experience a year earlier in a mall bathroom. It felt really good to share all these things with this good man, although he seemed very heavy as the details of my late adolescence poured out. His suggestions seemed normal to me: separate myself from my gay friend, don’t attend any more meetings, and prepare for my time at BYU. He told me that he had no wish to withdraw my ecclesiastical endorsement; he felt that I needed to attend BYU. But he did tell me that the things in which I was participating were serious and could keep me from attending BYU. His only other question was this: “When are you going to tell your parents?” I told him that I had no plan to break my parents’ hearts as I was sort of the golden boy in the family at that point. I told him I didn’t want to do that to them. He looked at me squarely. “As your priesthood leader I strongly council you to tell them as soon as you can.” He had said this so soberly that I felt very impressed that this was a really important piece of instruction. We ended the interview shortly after that.

Thirty minutes later I gathered my dad and my mom (now returned from family vacation). We sat down on their bed in the master bedroom and I told them I had something difficult to tell them. I have no idea what they expected. They were a lot more scared than I was in that moment. I was just riding on the strength of the bishop’s council. “I’m not sure if you already know this, but I have homosexual tendencies.” They both sat stunned. My mom spoke first: “I just don’t understand this. I have been with you every day of your life—I have raised you and I know every influence that you have ever been under. How could this have come into your life?” My dad just sat there looking sort of numb. I told them I didn’t want to tell them this, that the bishop had advised me, and that I was sorry if they felt disappointed. I felt really responsible to validate my parents in that moment. I didn’t want them to feel like bad parents, and I guess I innately knew that my mom especially might go there. I told them that this wasn’t their fault. “Well we can fly you to Utah tomorrow so you won’t see this boy anymore,” my mom suggested after I told them more of the details of my situation. I told her that I didn’t need to run away from anything and I would leave for BYU as we had planned. After a while my dad finally said, “Clark, we will always love you and I know that this is going to be ok.” He didn’t seem to be emotionally stirred, but just took it into stride. Thus we concluded our family council.

Later my dad explained to me that he felt a huge panic coming on after I told them about my “challenge”. He said he really started to feel lost and hopeless but then suddenly he felt the Spirit tell him that I would be alright. He calmed down. I had had terrible visions of my parents rejecting me, of my parents breaking down in tears, and many other night-marish things that could have occurred. I was extremely happy that it went as well as it did.

3 weeks later I was on a plane to Provo, Utah to start my first year of college.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Highest Vibration Possible

Having this new outlook on life has been really amazing for me. I’ve felt extremely blessed and overwhelmingly comforted as I’ve moved away from the identity of a gay Mormon guy who is married to a woman, to the identity of a man who is committed to living in a way that is causes my spirit to vibrate at the highest frequency possible.

Through all of the suffering and trauma that my divorce and coming out of the closet has given me I have found a way to not just survive and endure to the end, but to truly live in a way that makes my life vibrate with joy and gratitude. All of us are spirits within physical bodies. And everything that exists holds energy. When we interact with the spirit we feel a vibration, we can’t see it, but the vibrations cause us to know that it is effecting our spirits and communicating truth.

The highest vibration that can be felt is unconditional love, that means unconditional love for yourself, for others and for the Universe, and the lowest frequency is guilt. To live in a way that fosters guilt and shame only causes my spirit to vibrate at a lower functioning vibration. And if I choose to unconditionally love myself as God does then I will only vibrate at a more evolved and higher frequency. Living life with the intention to vibrate causes my cognition to be clear and active, my body to feel alive and strong and it causes me to feel the kind of joy that continuously flows feelings of peace into my heart and mind.

There is a Taoist concept of “being in the flow,” which means to be in harmony with the Universe. I know that the Lord loves us so much and that He has given us creative powers so that we can participate and have an active relationship with the Universe. There is so much to learn and to be happy about, there is so much to hold close and to breathe in with gratitude and reverence. I feel so alive thinking about all the blessings that have been given to because I’ve asked my Heavenly Father to allow me to vibrate and to allow my wife to vibrate.

The phrase “ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you” is true. I use to think that I had to do what I thought the Church wanted and what I felt my parents expected of me. I did feel pressure to be the kind of return missionary that my converts would expect my life to be. I had a lot riding on the outward appearance of my life. Being married was not only a religious commandment, but a way to survive in a world that I wasn’t vibrational to my sprit.

The Lord listened to the intention of my soul. He has sustained me through this intensely critical time and has given me reason to be overwhelmed with gratitude and unconditional love. I feel whole and I feel committed to doing everything I can to make my life vibrate and to allow myself to live with the intention of choosing to live my life focused on love and trust for the highest possible vibration that my soul can handle.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Simple and Easy

It's scary to feel good. I think that we are terrified to feel overjoyed and to feel what it is like to be unconditionally loved. And because it's scary and because there is a lot of responsibility that comes with such intense happiness, we trick ourselves into thinking that struggling through life is safe. Most human beings are addicted to struggle and drama which causes us to sabotage our spirit's efforts to help us make our lives simple.

Christ already told us that he's taken our burdens so they will be light. I don't think that God has ever said to us that we could not become whole in this lifetime. I am gay and being gay doesn't mean that I'm not normal. Being gay doesn't mean that I'm any less than a straight man or woman. Christ has told us that "when he shall appear, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may be purified even as he is pure."

So why do we think that our lives are a big check list? We get to the mission and want to check it off the list, we wait for marriage so we can check it off the list, But we don't have to wait to check off a list to be our god-self, or our I-am-perfect-just-as-God-created-me self. We are whole in this moment, we've just forgotten.

It is my belief that we don't have to go through pain in order to learn lessons and that we do not have to walk through fire in order to be cleansed. We don't have to live our lives feeling guilty and inadequate. I use to feel like I had to marry a woman in order to stand blameless before God or that I wasn't a good person if people knew I was gay. But now I know that hardships and struggles aren't the only way to fulfill the measure of our creations.

In the Church we hear about trials as if they are the ticket to learning. And people speak of "struggles" like masochistic tendencies are the resources we need in order to live the gospel correctly. We are taught that the pain that comes from challenges is the refiners fire, or the sanctification through intense suffering.

But if there is a lesson we need to learn then we can either choose to learn it through struggle and pain or simple and easy.

When we can admit to ourselves that we deserve to have our spirits learn through easy and simple ways, what we do will be easy and simple. We will be able to look at our lives and see that we've made our path and relationships harder than they need to be.

It is time to simplify our lives and to move into the intention that life can be an experience of learning through joy instead of pain, and that we can live in a gay relationship and and still serve God in humility and be Christ-like.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Truth About Homosexuality

I think homosexuality is beautiful. I feel that the need to be connected to anyone is so important that it can't be ignored. When there is a desire to be close to someone because you are motivated to have a family with them, surround yourself with their life and have them share in your heartaches and triumphs, then that is a desire that shouldn't be ignored. So why does the Church say that those desires are wrong? And not only wrong, but 'abominable' and 'wicked' if they happen to be with someone of the same sex?

When we feel sad and guilty about being gay, about having homosexual inclinations then intuitively the shameful feelings we feel are letting us know that it is not true that we have to feel guilty about our same-sex attractions. If our guilt and shame were good for us and true, then it wouldn't be painful, we would feel peace and we would have a confirmation by the spirit that it's okay to feel guilty about being gay because we would feel satisfied with the guilt we feel for having same-sex attractions.

If the negative beliefs that we feel about being gay are true, then we wouldn't be feeling negative emotions. We would feel satisfied. We would feel totally okay because we are tapping into our true identity. The reasons we feel negative emotions about being gay is because we are believing what is not true, and it is very uncomfortable to exist in a lie. The negative emotion is meant to be a warning bell ringing within us and sending a message: "Warning! What you are currently believing and thinking about your sexuality is a lie! Continue to believe and think that homosexuality is wrong and you will feel worse and worse."

Our culture and society place judgment on us for having these feelings toward other members of our same gender. We can know homosexuality is good for homosexual men and women to experience because it feels good physically, emotionally, intellectually and so on and so forth. What feels wrong are the voices from our culture and society that cause us to feel guilt or shame, but that shame doesn't come from within us, it comes from an outside perspective of trying to fit into a society that isn't forgiving of things that are different.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Amazing Support

I was able to see a buddy today that I hadn't seen in a very long time. He heard about my wife and I getting a divorce and he text me to see if I was ok. It just so happend that we were going to be in the same exact place at the same time, and so we met up for tea and just talked for hours.

We had a lot to discuss. I told him everything about the divorce and he gave me the run down on his life, and it was just really fun to feel supported and loved from a friend that I hadn't seen in over three years.

We knew each other the summer before my wife and I moved to NY. He was her co-worker and we all got a long so well that we started hanging out with him everyday. We had so many activities planned with him that I started calling him the "cruise director" because he always had awesome activites planned for us.

I always knew he was gay and he always knew I was gay, but we didn't ever talk about it. It wasn't awkward though, because it always felt like each of us had an "open door policy" that we could have (if we needed or wanted) talked to each other about it. He was trying to be really into the Church and obviously I was trying to live up to my expectations for myself within the Church and both of us recognized that we were going through the same kinds of issues back then, but didn't ever discuss it until today.

It was just so good to see him and look into his face and see him happy, and it was also amazing to see him happy for me. He has since been with his boyfriend for two years, and is doing really well. He said that when he heard the news about me and my wife that he was so overjoyed because he knew that my wife would finally be able to live her life in a way that wasn't damaging to her self-esteem, and he also said that he was so happy for me because he knew that I could start living without tring to fit into a box that wasn't healthy.

His reaction was so great for me to hear. I'm tired of people saying how sad it is that my wife and I are getting divorced and how devistated they are for us. We are amazing. My wife is at peace. I'm at peace and I genuinely feel this celebratory impulse to let everyone know how great the divorce is going. And it was good that he already assumed that and shared his excitement for me. I need that right now. I just want people to be happy for me and happy for my wife that she doesn't have to be married to a gay man anymore. She can live her life and I can live mine. It's great.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Non-Profit Aims To 'Cure' Homosexuality, Protesters Disagree

So basically, ever since I got to BYU I started hearing about the ever lucid and controversial organization of "Evergreen International" or as most people refer to it as simply Evergreen. I'm being honest when I say that I've never heard one positive comment from those who have gone to an Evergreen meeting. For the record, I've never attended any of their meetings, but have heard a bunch of stories from men and women who have.
I know that it's difficult to place judgement on an organization that I've never personally attended, but because of what's going on in my life, and the life of my amazing soon to be ex-wife, I feel like I've become an advocate for women who feel like they should marry gay men. My opinion is simple, and it may not be what some people are comfortable with, but I want every woman who is considering to marry a gay man to RUN FOR HER LIFE! And I sincerely mean that. There's no reason why a woman should try to force herself into a marriage that is full of homosexual thoughts, desires, and tendencies. It's not an environment for love to flourish and it's not an environment where self-esteem and self-worth can thrive.
Obviously I have some experience with this issue, and I know that I may be biased. And what about the gay men who are planning to marry a woman? Well I would have to give the same advice, but I do see that it's more complicated than just running away. Gay men want to marry women for various reasons. Some of them good and most of them honorable, but I see now that life isn't about tolerating relationships and sexual connections with a spouse who you are not organically attracted to, it's about LIVING! You can't live your life if you are constantly stifling impulses and feeling guilty for not feeling other unnatural impulses.
But I guess that's another post for another time. What I wanted to write about is the Fox report on how Evergreen International says it can help people overcome homosexuality, and how Lester Leavitt, who once turned to the organization for help, is saying now that for Evergreen International "there should be no reason for them to exist." I think it's important what he's saying, and I know that there are two sides to every story, but I just haven't heard anything positive about Evergreen so naturally it's easy for me to post something negative about them.
All I know is, my life is SO much happier, SO much brighter, SO much more filled with the spirit now that I am not trying to live contrary to how my spirit is programed. And I know that my wife says the same thing about her life. We are best friends, we always have been and always will be, and maybe that's why it's so easy for us to see our situation in such a positive light, because we haven't lost anything. In fact, we've gained out lives back.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


I took my godson to swimming lessons today. He was so cute and so brave in the water. I love spending time with him. He's like the cutest kid and the most entertaining companion.

I sat and watched all the other little kids while I was there at the side of the pool, and I just feel in love with each one of them. I can't wait to have kids someday. I'm going to be the most obsessed/obnoxious parent ever! It's gonna be awesome.

That's what kids get for being so cute.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Things I've Learned

I've had a lot of time to think, be it by force of life events, or a desire from my own self to seek progress for my soul.

What my journey has taught me:

When our belief systems accept that with spirit all things are easy and simple, our lives and all we do will become easy and simple.

Each of us chooses life adversities to perpetuate our growth and potential for more levels of light.

The more specific I am about what I want, the more specific I will receive what I want.

The Atonement means that I don't have to suffer because Christ suffered for me. I can choose to use the Atonement by setting my intention on positive things and not things that will cause me pain and set backs.

Every choice we make either drains our spirit or fuels our spirit.

I can't tell you how happy I am right now. I'm completely full of joy and peace. I made a choice that I was going to live my life and seek positive things into it. I set the intention to be whole and complete and peaceful with a connection with my Heavenly Father and a life that is amazing and fun to live. I use to think that this life was about suffering and enduring through the pain and anguish of random circumstances. But I now know that I can choose what I want to come into my life and I can heal myself through the Atonment and that through my positive intentions I am healed. And it's that easy.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I hung out with one of my best friends in the whole world today. I seriously live for him! He inspires me to be better and to just love myself. He's truly accepting, and I feel like we're basically the same person, just in different existences.
We met in college and he was someone who supported me through my coming out process. He's been out of the closet since he was sixteen and has currently been with his boyfriend for a year and a half.
I just love him and look up to him on all levels. We literally just sat and talked all day long from sun up to sun down and into 1:00am the next day.
I feel so healthy right now because he not only loves me unconditionally, but he challenges me to be better. I've been speaking with him over the phone about the divorce and about everything I've been feeling, and since we've been in different states for the past four months, it's been awhile since we've seen each other. And finally today we got the chance to hang out.
He offered me to come and live with him until I start school in the Fall. I'm very very tempted. I mean there's nothing in UT for me, and I might as well feel somewhere that is non judgemental and completely supportive. I just need his energy right now. I love my family, but I think it's just hard for them to understand what I am going through. And for them it's just so tragic what I'm going through. And his positivity is what I wish my family had more of in this situation.
I thank the Lord for the amazing friend that he is and that I got the chance to talk and hang out with him all day long. He is one of the biggest blessings in my life and my intention is to always have him close to me.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Not A Good Day

I feel devastated today. I've lost everything I've expected for myself. I had the dream life, the dream woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with and raise kids with, and that's all gone.

Ultimately, I know this is the right thing. I feel peace about it, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm amazing about how much good I feel and how sad I can be all at the same time. It hurts.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Home Of The Brave

To celebrate the 4th of July I made a special trip to IKEA, because nothing says "I'm proud to be an American" more than shopping at a Swedish department store.

While there, I had the Salmon and it was pretty amazing. For only $5.99 you get a good piece of herb marinated salmon, country potatoes and steamed garden vegetables. So basically it's like really healthy and it doesn't cost a lot.

So once again, IKEA, another reason why I'm proud to be an American.

And just because I love this movie, Drop Dead Gorgeous has some really amazing phrases in reference to our Independence Day pride (go see the movie to get the full effect):

"U.S.A is a-OK."

"Amer I can."

Yeah, you have to see the movie to really do the quotes justice. I would have to say that Drop Dead Gorgeous is one of my favorite movies, and since it's the 4th of July go ahead and check it out for yourselves.

Happy 4th!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I'm So Blessed

Last night when I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about the phone calls that I had made yesterday to friends who were in the dark about our situation. It was hard talking to them and explaining what my wife and I were going through, and then it was even harder telling them why.

If me and my wife getting a divorce wasn't shocking enough, me coming out of the closet in the same phone call was even more of a jarring astonishment. But truthfully, the friends that I had chosen to call and speak with about this matter already knew my situation. I mean when I came out to them in college it was a huge shock that I was gay because no one suspected it of me, but after being married for three years, they forgot that I was gay and just assumed that I was "dealing with it."

I guess I was "dealing with it" in my own way. And here I am today writing about it. And now my close friends know that my wife and I are getting a divorce, and they know that it's because I'm gay. I feel good knowing that they have a clear picture of what's going on, but it's just so definite now.

And so I had a big day yesterday talking to the close friends that I have and who have been trying to get a hold of us, but just couldn't get us to pick up the phone, and now they know why. I've felt so blessed because so many people have been understanding. I had a friend even ask if she needed to book a flight just so she could take care of me. I look to the Lord and thank Him profusely. I have so many amazing friends who love me and my wife so much and they have been so good to us and have offered true support and compassion for us.

And then there's my wife. She's worth more than gold and the truest treasure I've ever possessed. She makes me sing and she makes me shout praises to God for the support and the encouragement she has given me. I look at her and I'm overwhelmed with the strength she has given me. Here she is, grieving the loss of her husband, grieving a divorce and feeling so hurt because of what has happened to our marriage, and yet she has been so good to me.

She called today to tell me that the accounts were now separated and that she opened up her own account. She left me more money than she had taken for herself, and she didn't it with such love and compassion.

I thank the Lord once again for what is going on in my life. It seems incredible. It seems unbelievable that I have come so far and had suffered so much because of what my marriage brought to me and my wife. And yet were both smiling and both thankful for what we have been given. This is the most happy divorce I've ever witnessed. We are both sad for what we have lost, but so blessed for what we have been able to do for each other. We've given each other honesty and support, and a chance at living life to it's fullest.

Today was another good day, and it feels so good.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Gym Time

Today at the gym I had the hardest time getting my card to work correctly. The girl at the front desk was really friendly and tried to help me as much as possible, but after no avail, she just let me workout anyway regardless of the fact that it said I hadn't paid (which was wrong because I paid my membership a little over a week ago).

It's been awhile since I had a steady workout schedule. It feels good to be in a habit of going to the gym and getting my body to a healthier place.

While I was on the treadmill I started thinking about how different my life is from a month and a half ago. I'm completely different in a lot of ways, and my life looks almost unrecognizable. Going through this divorce has taught me so much. I've learned that I need to start trusting myself and allowing the spirit to guide me and to comfort me.

For so long I just shut everything out and couldn't allow myself to feel anything because I was afraid of what the outcome would be. And now that the outcome I dreaded has taken place, I feel relieved that it's over and look back and thank my Heavenly Father for what He has done for me in this past month. The blessings are innumerable and outrageous to think about:
  • I have my best friend back
  • I am starting to feel again
  • I'm learning how to trust myself
  • I'm starting a new life in a new city with new goals
  • I feel healthier than I've ever felt
  • I'm happy
  • I've embraced myself
  • I feel Heavenly Father's love.

I'm glad I have gym time to count my many blessings. Peace of mind and a hot body all for the price of $20 a month.