Elbow: Coming Out Into Peace And Love

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Coming Out Into Peace And Love

I wanted to post a section of an email that I wrote today to a friend who happens to be an amazing guy. He had recently talked with me about the possiblity of coming out to his sister, and he wrote me an email about actually coming close to talking about his sexuality with her. I hope I said the right things, and I hope that I was able to convey the message that he has nothing to fear when coming out to his family, only the intention that he will gain a closer and more loving relationship with those that love him so dearly. Parts of my email are as follows:

"That was a little unexpected that you almost came out to your sister, but definately a good thing. It's so interesting that once you start thinking about coming out and looking forward to being honest and truthful about yourself to other people that situations start poping up where you keep getting the chance to actually say what you've kept hidden for quite awhile.

It's good that you are thinking about coming out to her first. Having her on your side and being able to comunicate to her that you trust her and that you count her as a resource will be good for her to hear and good for you to have.

And since you asked for my advice...
First and foremost, I would set an intention for whatever conversation you are having with people who you are coming out to. Set the intention specifically that you will feel good about the conversation when it's over, that you want to share your life with those that love you the most, and that you are expecting to feel unconditional love and gratitude for the opportunity to grow as a son, brother and friend.

I'd most definately keep it positive. You might cry and you might feel really vulnerable, but you should also be able to express to whomever you are coming out to that you are happy and that you always plan on being happy. You should be able to convey how you've, of course, had some times of struggle with your sexuality, but that being able to talk about it and share it with those you love is such a positive moment that you've intended for yourself. Be grateful to her, to Heavenly Father, and to your family when you tell her. Your gratitude will only make the experience of coming out a positive one.

Most importantly, don't feel like you have to have any answers that you aren't prepared to give. If she or someone else asked you what your plans are and what you are going to do about your future, just feel good about saying "you know what, coming out has been such a big part of my focus that I don't have those answers right now and I'm just trusting that the Lord will guide me and give me whatever guidance He feels that I need when I need it." You don't have to know everything, and you don't have to feel pressured to say that how you are going to handle your situation specifically one way or the other.

Good for you! I'm really proud of you and the way you are handling this. You're such a great guy and your family is so lucky to have you. You will only grow and learn from this situation because you are coming out of love and out of an intention to be close to those that care the most about you."

Coming out is such an intense process. You can feel so vulnerable, so expossed and so embarassed. It's almost like you're heart is being ripped out of your body for display. But it doesn't have to be entirely painful, it can also be a tender and special moment. The spirit can be present and feelings of peace and comfort will accompany you with the focus that you are trying to be more honest and more connected with those that you love. I think about family bonds and the feelings that parents have for their children and that siblings have between each other and I would feel so awful if I kept my sexuality a seceret to those that mattered most in my life.

It's not easy to be honest, and it's challenging to tell people that you're gay, but thinking about the blessings that come from being able to share something so personal and so intimate is part of our earthly experience and part of our progress and our ability to vibrate and feel a sense of peace and gratitude for the lives that we've been given.

To my friend who I sent this email to, I love you and pray that you'll be able to feel comforted and to have your intentions fulfilled by this amazing oportunity to grow as a child of our Heavenly Father. I'm proud of you!


Blogger J G-W said...

Great letter, and great advice.

I remember there just came a point where I decided I didn't want there to be any more fear or lies, and I gradually came out to everyone I knew, until I had reached the point where I am now, where anybody who knows me reasonably well knows I'm gay. (Actually, I guess having published a book and a number of articles about being gay, a lot of folks who don't know me at all also know I'm gay!)

It feels so incredible not to have to feel like you need to be a different person in once setting than you are in another setting. Being gay in our society, integrity is something we have to fight for. Most of the gay men and lesbians I know who have chosen to live their lives openly and honestly cherish honesty and integrity very highly.

Your post also reminds me that my coming out process really just filled me with incredible peace and gratitude. There were very many situations -- especially coming out to family -- where I did have a very strong sense of the Spirit's presence, helping me and guiding me in what I needed to say (or not say) in order to help others through the process.

I'm keeping you in my prayers...

10:23 PM  
Blogger Scot said...

I’d say good advice too.

The simply fact that he has a friend like you there, willing to help him through this necessary trial, will make a world of difference.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

being the egocentric type of guy that i am, i respond to most posts as if they were directed to me. there is just one person who knows me as santorio and as [ ].
and that may be as far as it goes. it's not a path i would recommend to anyone. but in my late 50's, there is quite frankly more people who would be harmed than helped by this disclosure so late in the game.

take pleasure that you all are living in a time that allows you this option, flawed though it may be, in a way that just didn't exist 40 years ago

1:29 PM  

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