Elbow: July 2006

Monday, July 31, 2006


I've started to feel guilty again for masturbating. There was a time when I didn't let it affect me, but now that I am making strides to focus my attention on more worthwhile endeavors, it has started to make me feel bad about myself.

The sex life I have with my wife is great, we are frequently having sex, and I feel very satisfied. So why do I feel the need to masturbate? I'm attributing it to selfishness, and that I covet what I can't have. When I'm having sex with my wife, she's all I want.

I'm certain that the microcosm of this experience lies in the moment when I engage my thoughts toward another man. I'm going to start there. Maybe I'll make this an experiment, and see if I am able to shift my attention from the random guy on the street and place it on whatever else my mind needs to think of in a non-sexual way. We'll see what that does for me.

In all of this new decision making, and commitment to a greater level of consciousness, I have left the Savior out of this equation. I need to start to reevaluate where my life is with my savior. I need to find out where my devotion lies, and to seek out a greater level of synchronization with the Lord's will and mine.

Other than that, my life is good. I feel happy about where my life is going. I feel that the challenge ahead of me is great, but that placing my will with the Lord's is going to make a huge difference.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Heart Attention

I've been thinking a lot about how fast time seems to pass by. I can see moments in my life that are so sweet, and others that really hut me. I keep thinking about my parents lately. They aren't old, but they are starting to get old. My dad use to be so fit and active, and it's interesting to see his body completely different now. My mom is still beautiful, but there are pieces of her that aren't the same, and there are moments when she starts to act like a crazy old lady.

Where will I be in 30 years? Where will my family be? I wonder when Jesus comes if I'll be alive. I wonder where I'll be, and how my life will look.

Old people are like a different race, they have their own culture and beliefs. How does one go from a state of alertness to a lethargic and lost state of old age? I wonder what old people feel about themselves.

I've said before that I'm afraid of growing old. I'm not even thirty yet and I'm thinking about what it will be like to be an old person. Who knows, maybe it won't even come to that, I could die in five years from now instead of the 50 that I'm thinking about.

When I look at an old person I see an old person, but there is a life full of living in that body, the shell is weak and feeble, but there is a world of memories and knowledge. I wish that instead of seeing the outer shell of the person, and judging the physical appearance, that I could see the heart.

I want my heart to be in the right place, and for my heart to be in a good and peaceful state, I have to start placing my attention in the matters of the heart, and not on the physical appearance of those around me.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Chosen Is The Path

Blogging has been an overwhelming experience. Not only have I been elevated and inspired for the better, but I have been supported and loved from people who don't even know me. The empathy that I have felt has been life changing.

I can't thank everyone enough for their support. Reading the experiences of Mormons who struggle with homosexuality has brought me to a very real and profound understanding. I can't even begin to write down the joy that this type of dialogue has brought to my life.

I'm in a very interesting place right now. I have come from an unstable and ambiguous place, suddenly I feel like the ground beneath me is a little stronger for me to stand on. I don't know exactly what the turn around was, or if there was an exact moment when I realized that I'm ok, and that the life I've always wanted, and the life that I have chosen is the path that I'm suppose to be on.

Everyone has their path, everyone has a journey that needs to be taken, examined and lived. I feel like I am starting to do that. I see the fruits of the labor that has been exhausted by those that are on both tracks, there are those of the gay persuasion that choose to stay and work out a Mormon existence of both obedience and ambiguity. And then there are those that choose a different spiritual path, one that isn't Mormon, but that is founded in an equally ambiguous and spiritual road.

All I know is, for me and my life right now, I feel free and peaceful with the direction that I have chosen for myself. Emotions really are the most motivating and directional influences in human behavior. These feelings that I can't see or touch, are as real to me as the screen I'm looking at.

There are so many things that I want that I will never get, but everything I need will be provided me. The Lord knows what I need, and He will give me what I truly need freely because he loves me. If I can't be content knowing that, then there's nothing that will make me happy.

I can see myself sitting at this computer time and time again searching for answers, feeling pain, feeling happy and confused all at the same time. I look back at the times when I was frustrated and hurt by what my life had turned out to be.

Through all of those past entries, there was one thing that kept me focused on something greater. The end result. "From what I am doing now and the path that I currently find myself on will lead me where? When time has run out, and there is an old and immobile body on my spirit, will I be happy with the choices I made in the past?"

Every single time I ask myself those questions, I get the same answer: I want to spend my last years with my wife. With our children surrounding us, and with the blessings of the gospel woven into every piece of our lives.

In the end, I will be a better person for trying.