I feel overwhelmed at the responses I have gotten from people who I've never met, but say they care about me. That's amazing. I feel blessed to have that type of interaction in my life, especially when I go through things that feel like they will never get better.
I'm addicted to pornography. I went to one meeting that the Church holds for addiction. It was good, but it felt really uncomfortable because I couldn't open up and really say what I wanted to say. I don't know if I was nervous, but I just don't understand how to get away from porn.
It's a little frightening because I've never had this problem before. I mean sure, I use to look at porn once and awhile, but it's just become more and more frequent to the point that I have to be doing it every day. Sometimes that's all I think about. Why does the mind hold on to such images like they're candy? It's so crazy that I can look at a picture and feel relief. I'm in serious need of trying to get this habbit out of my life.
Interestingly enough, I want pornography out of my life, but I don't know if that desire out weighs my desire to look at it in the first place.
Last week I was alone in an office without a computer, and I really really wanted to see any type of gay porn that I could get my hads on. I was looking though books and DVD's and I couldn't find anything that would satisfy me. I felt like a drug addict looking in a medicine cabinet for something to get my fix. In desparation I picked up my digital camera and started taking photos of myself naked. Somehow that was enough for the moment, but isn't that sick? I had to look at photos of myself naked to get off!? I don't get it.
I feel desperate. I'm a little uncertain of what I can do to take care of this problem. Who cares that I'm gay, who cares that I've messed up in the past with guys? I just want to not be bound by something so trivial as digital pixels of flesh. It's just frustrating.