Elbow: Where Do I Put This?

Friday, November 03, 2006

Where Do I Put This?

The truth is out to my wife. She knows that I masturbate and look at gay porn. She is hurt beyond words. I don't know if she'll ever really forgive me. I love her so much.

Before I get any comments, I just wanted to point out the obvious that "Yes, I am depressed, and yes I am seeing a clinician."

I am a real human being. I'm in deep pain 20% of the time, about 30% of the time it's tolerable. The rest is sleep and pleasant conversation.

You look at my life and it's really great. People see me and respect me a great deal. I have everything I've ever wanted. I sometimes look at what my life is like and I feel jealousy towards me.

I have three weeks for a miracle to happen. I'm giving myself three weeks to figure out how to act appropriately. I'm not playing around anymore. This is life or death.

I don't want a job. I don't want to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to wait. I don't want to see neckties. I don't want to brush my teeth.

I'm done trying to solve my own problem. Either I end up forgetting that I'm alive or I start making myself feel something besides anxiety.

Look at what pretending has done...it's lead me to erase myself from my own mind.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hugs to you in your situation, whatever the outcome may be.

4:59 PM  
Blogger -L- said...

My wife certainly has felt hurt and betrayed in the past. Your wife may benefit from being in touch with one of the support groups or folks around who have been through it all before. Just a thought.

Good luck to you.

And that is one disgusting picture. Where do people find these things?!?

6:27 PM  
Blogger onDfence said...

I wish you well. You'll be in my prayers tonight.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't understand this three week business. i figure i have an eternity to shape and tone and modify and reinvent myself. there is nothing static about life and no such thing as a deadline.

4:01 PM  
Blogger Rusty said...

A few questions:

-How did she find out? Did you disclose voluntarily, or did she catch you?

-That three-week deadline concerns me in a big way. Is that self-imposed, or is that your wife's ultimatum?

-Sounds like you're dealing with clinical depression, which I can relate to intimately, especially the lack of desire to want to do much of anything. But why the aversion to neckties? (Just curious.)

I'm straight, so I don't think I'll have much to say on same-sex attraction that would interest you or that would be new to you. But as a recovering pornography addict, I can very much relate to where you're at now--the shame, the guilt, the seriously damaged marriage, the terror about the future.

If you want to talk more offline, you know how to reach me. But I'll just end with this question: Do you really want to change?

8:58 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

I feel being open with your wife has to be a "good thing" in the long haul even if temporarily it is painful. So, don't let the pain stop the good from happening!

As for the 3 weeks, I'm with the rest of the responders... it's got to happen when it's right. What's important is the trying to make it right.

Lots of love...

6:59 AM  
Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

I can't add more than repeat what the others have said. You're in my thoughts, E.

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to be honest here Elbow: First, where do you get your psycho pictures from??? I mean, no wonder you're depressed. You need to get out more and see the good in life. The good that surrounds you. And the good that is in you. You're holding on to your drama. We all do it when we're in pain. LET IT GO Elbow. If you really want to live, that is the only answer. I know you know this... I'm just reminding you. Because you've forgotten and you're smarter than this.
Second, 3 weeks? Look at your post 3 weeks ago. Look at my post 3 weeks ago. we were both OK one day and dying the next. We're bouncing balls that are never going to find their home in 3 weeks. Ultimatums only make things worse. Like Santorio said to me as I imploded 3 months ago, breathe and begin again. And again. And again.

And back to my first point, if photography is an outlet to the stranger things going on inside you, keep seeing that shrink.

I love you kid. Be honest with yourself. You know what to do.

1:11 PM  
Blogger John Galt said...

sorry, that was me JG.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time taming the natural man. I will keep you in my prayers. You are a good dude and deserve to be happy and in control of yourself. I know it sounds cliche and I might start to sound like a broken record, but I can't emphasize how important being close to the Savior is in dealing with this struggle. I have learned so profoundly that I am only able to be successful in conquering my struggles and overcoming my trials when I put my whole life in His hands. The days when I am not doing my part to be close to Him are my hardest.

5:16 PM  
Blogger iovan said...

Hey Elbow,
Nothing really useful to say, just that I hope you're doing well and finding what you need and what you're looking for. Most of all that you feel loved. Take care.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Benjamin said...

I read your latest entry (and several of the other topics) and all I can say is good heavens this is extremely painful! By the way (about the masturbation issue) I wanted to tell you that when I was in my teens I went for as long as 6 months without masturbating. Can you believe that? That's a big deal when you are 17 years old. I also went long long periods of time during my mission too because when it did happen (not often) on my mission I felt doubly guilty about it. Ugh!!

I now look at the big M as a little m because it is not a big issue. People (especially zealous people) can become obsessed with these things.

I am very grateful for your immense courage to place your very deep and personal issues on a blog. I think that they are very helpful for many people just to know that they are not alone either.

I wanted you to think about something if you would. The Church often still too often puts far too little emphasis on the grace of Christ but the fact still remains that His grace is infinite. He is truly the only one who has ever walked this earth who can be called authentically worthy. He is the only being who ever walked on the earth who is the kind of person who is really perfect or ever was perfect and all He asks us to do is to love one another and to love Him. It is our heart that is what matters to Him.

Do you see following the prophet as tantamount to following the Lord? Is our relationship with the prophet the same as our relationship with the Lord? I used to belong to a protestant Church many years ago and I began to realiz that they worshipped the Bible. They said that book was infallible. I later found the fulness of the Gospel and I gradually realized (through facing my orientation and the cognitive dissonance) that I had left a Church that placed the Biblical record as infallible for a Church that placed a man (a prophet) as infallible. I love that fulness of the Gospel yet I have found that even that the Church will never be perfect until Jesus Christ comes again because, again, Jesus is authentically perfect. So I ask, do you think we have an infallible prophet? Have you studied the history of the Church (from primary sources) from the time of Joseph Smith to the present and truly bravely asked yourself how God has dealt with the men and women of the Church and how much free agency God has given the prophets. Remember that God is no respector to persons. Prophets are no exception to this. He loves us perfectly and equally because His love is infinite and without limitation otherwise He would not be God. Read D&C section 74 sometime and look closely at verse 5.

Have you ever gone out alone into the mountains or forest and just communed with God alone? There is a book by Carol Lynn Pearson entitled "No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones." Go to www.nomoregoodbyes.com sometimes and order a copy of her incredible book if you would like. Through reading that book I realized that God can do anything and He is not limited to our dogmatizing though we may try and try again (because of our fear of disappointing others) to place Him inside our dogmatic box. He is infinitely greater than that. Here is a quote that I love to read often from Carol Lynn's book. Think of this quote in the light of our pre-existence.

"There is only one perpetrator of evil on the planet: human unconsciousness. That realization is true forgiveness. With forgiveness your victim Identity dissolves and your true power emerges - the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light." A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle

One other thing (I am sorry for such a long comment) Dan Gray is an incredible therapist if you ever have any question as to what counselor you might choose. I found I could place a high degree of trust in him and that he really thinks outside of the box. He's just great.

So where did you find the picture of the guy with the cow heart?

11:19 AM  

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