Where Do I Put This?
The truth is out to my wife. She knows that I masturbate and look at gay porn. She is hurt beyond words. I don't know if she'll ever really forgive me. I love her so much.
Before I get any comments, I just wanted to point out the obvious that "Yes, I am depressed, and yes I am seeing a clinician."
I am a real human being. I'm in deep pain 20% of the time, about 30% of the time it's tolerable. The rest is sleep and pleasant conversation.
You look at my life and it's really great. People see me and respect me a great deal. I have everything I've ever wanted. I sometimes look at what my life is like and I feel jealousy towards me.
I have three weeks for a miracle to happen. I'm giving myself three weeks to figure out how to act appropriately. I'm not playing around anymore. This is life or death.
I don't want a job. I don't want to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to wait. I don't want to see neckties. I don't want to brush my teeth.
I'm done trying to solve my own problem. Either I end up forgetting that I'm alive or I start making myself feel something besides anxiety.
Look at what pretending has done...it's lead me to erase myself from my own mind.