Here Without A Now
I'm just hanging on really, I don't know what is to come next and I don't know where to focus my energies on. I am alive, yet, I currently find myself unable to cope with the temptations and stressors of daily life. I'm here, yet I'm not. I look at people, but I don't see them. I am kind and good, but there is no real substance for being the kind of good that I want to be.My therapy session went really well last week. I am fortunate to be with the clinician I am with. I realized that I slide along and try as much as possible to not make decisions, because I can't. I'm not in a place to decide anything for myself. And if it's not that I can't, then I don't want to. I don't want to be held responsible for the mistakes I've made. I don't want to have to be manipulated by my fear. I want to live the gospel because it's me, and it's something I really feel. I need some authenticity inside of me to rise up from my soul and look me in the eye to challenge what I need from myself.
I can only give what I've been giving, and that is the flow of one circumstance to the other. I hate flow, I despise it. I don't want to go with the flow and to just swim along the current knowing that life will bring me what it may.
And then I realize that everything I've just finished writing is a lie, because I have chosen, I have planned and I have manipulated. I've changed myself so much that I don't know who I am. Is everything I've changed about myself really me? Am I the guy that wants to be married to a woman, or do I just say that because I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of the consequences. Ironically I deserve those consequences. I've done nothing to merit a healthy marriage and a sound relationship. I've done nothing to give me a sense of peace. I lie, I cheat myself through the gospel. I shouldn't be allowed in the doors of the chapel let alone the temple. I can't give people service in the Church when all I see are the lies I tell myself.
posted by elbow at 8:13 AM
4 Comments:
I wish I had the words to console you or a way to help you see yourself as God does. One comment though,
You will always be allowed through the doors of the Chapel, so long as you choose to go...the temple, well, that's another story. But the Chapel is there for every soul that is trying, at whatever level to do right. The Church is not a country-club for saints...it's a hospital for sinners like you and me.
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Elbow:
You've got to gain some kind of focus, some kind of interest, some kind of pursuit other than the circle you're running in, man! Sink your teeth in a project, get connected with serving others at a shelter, or some other need-center, read stories to an adopted grandma! Get away from your problems and see life in new ways by getting lost in others! Then, and maybe only then, will you (and I) be able to see clearly.
As for the chapel doors, I agree with Kengo that they're always open. You know, as baptized members,we've already entered "the kingdom". The choice isn't whether to enter, it's whether to stay!
Go for it and find focus by forgetting about your problems for a while...and doing something worthwhile for someone worse off.
Believe me, I'm not in a position to judge - I think you're an amazing and talented guy - I just know me and I know I've got to stop spinning in my own circles and go do something good for somebody else!
Love ya,
Beck
My therapy session went really well last week. I am fortunate to be with the clinician I am with.
Good, good, good! Take it a week at a time with your therapist and try not to obsess with what's overwhelming you on a day-to-day basis.
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