Elbow: Ideal

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


I'm kind of sad right now. I want to do what's right, and I want to be happy. I try to do what I feel in my heart is the best thing for me.

I want to be a father. I want to have children with my wife who I love. I want to be a dad, and to live a life that isn't focused on baser things, but that is about the progress of my soul, and the service that I render my fellow man. Call me idealistic, but I think it's possible.


Blogger Chris said...

Hi Elbow.

You wrote: I feel like if I were to label myself as gay, and come out to everyone for the purpose of having a gay relationship with a gay, that I would be living my life off of a sexual component rather than a holistic and balanced model.

Let me ask you this: Do straight people who get married live their lives off of a sexual component rather than a holistic and balanced model?

The question is, of course, rhetorical.

Why do you think that living a gay life for a gay person is living a life based on sexual attraction? Could it be that there's more to it than that? Could it be about living a life that is natural and affirming and normal?

I have started dating someone. And one of the things that surprises me about how I feel when I am with him is that I don't feel "gay" or governed by my sexual attraction. I just feel... normal.

So many struggling gays seem to view their desire to be with a man as base and purely sexual. I certainly thought that for a long time. I don't anymore. My desire to be with a man is just part of my normal. Part of it is sexual. But other than the gender of the object of my attraction, how is that any different than how a straight guy feels?

1:23 PM  
Blogger santorio said...

count on elbow and hurricane to raise provocative questions. i think that in the ideal relationship the emotional merges with the physical, which would put the mixed orientation marriage at a theoretical disadvantage. anyone do yoga? you can hear the instructor saying, there's no such thing as a perfect pose, but always try to go further than the day before. because of some injury in the distant past i can't straighten my right arm, so many yoga poses are very difficult but overall i'm pretty good at it and more important i enjoy it and get a lot out of it.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Sometimes you just have to allow the feelings to come. Sometimes you just have to accept that you have them. Sometimes you just have to relax, realize that everyone struggles with something, and that this is YOURS.

All these yearnings don't change who you are. Don't get discouraged. So many times your kind words have lifted others--people you've never met, but care for anyway. THAT'S something special--THAT'S more of who you are.

The future is uncertain for all of us. But as each year unfolds, we all make decisions about what will be best for us and those we love.

Is your marriage beautiful? Do you want it to last? I feel those same feelings about my own marriage...I wish us both the best of luck--the odds are against us, but perhaps that's true of every marriage. And some of them last forever.

4:28 PM  
Blogger DCTwistedLife said...

I think that the amount of angst in my soul is related to homosexuality and it's trials, and that no matter what happens I can either choose to be happy and deal, or I can choose to let myself feel miserable.
I believe that one is happy or sad based mostly on the combination of needs being met, and the temperment of the individual. I believe you can will yourself TOWARDS happiness, but it cannot be faked. You cant say, "be happy Elbow!" and poof. It doesnt happen that way and you know that. You can choose to try and deal- either by trying to will yourself into a straight lifestyle (not orientation), or you can deal by fully coming out as a gay man. I believe that both have their benefits and pitfalls.

I feel like if I were to label myself as gay, and come out to everyone for the purpose of having a gay relationship with a gay, that I would be living my life off of a sexual component rather than a holistic and balanced model. Basing my life off of an attraction to the physical only makes me more attuned to the physical, and less aware of the spiritual. Does any of this make sense?

I think this is church rhetoric messing with your head. You are roundaboutly saying that if you were to be with a man, you would be finished in terms of spiritual development. So, all gay people are unaware of their spiritual needs? All they think about is sex? (These are just rhetorical questions....).

I want to be a father. I want to have children with my wife who I love. I want to be a dad, and to live a life that isn't focused or based on sex, but that is about the progress of my soul, and the service that I render my fellow man. Call me idealistic, but I think it's possible.

I understand the desire to have kids. But remember that kids bring a lot of stress to a relationship, so dont be too hasty. I dont understand your rather the black and white view of "Sex" or "God." Why dichotomize yourself, and dichotomize others? As Hurricane said, it is certainly not just about sex. I do think the gay world can be highly sexually charged...simply because its a lot of men running around...men are men...they are horny. (hehe). But that doesnt mean that you have to buy into that, and it doesnt mean that everyone else does either. I believe firmly that you can do anything you want- including grow spiritually and as a person- all while living as a gay man. Plenty of guys have meaningful relationships that are just 'normal' and 'right' to them. Many people see it as 'wrong'...but then when I think about it, I couldnt force myself to date women... to me, thats what feels unnatural. I am still struggling with moving forward, maybe dating someone in the future. It is by no means easy, and trust me when I say I have had so many of the same thoughts that you have had.

You will find your way.

4:34 PM  
Anonymous cmick1 said...

Elbow... You are an amazing person, please don't get down on yourself. I understand the trials, very well. Sometimes we don't understand why we are and feel the way we do, but we can't change that, I am convinced!
Easier said than done is--- the sooner you come to the realization that you are gay, a mormon, married to a woman, AND that you are a good person, the sooner you will be able to live in relative peace.
I think you are a good man, and you sound like a great husband, regardless of how you may feel. You are someone that is trying to do good, and be someone in this world. That is something that too many 28 year-old men do not.
You are a child of God, without a doubt!
Stay strong and true to YOU!
Love a friend

5:57 PM  
Blogger AttemptingthePath said...

Your marriage IS beautiful, it's so very real to me. I want to be able to get married and I love the honesty that I see here.

Maybe we should make a club and only invite the idealistic, cool SSA mormon's out there, like ourselves ;-)

anyway, elbow--I hope youre doing well

11:10 PM  
Blogger Change1996 said...

Oh Elbow,it's all your fault if you start hating me . Your posted have inspired me insomuch that I just had to start this, eventhough I'm a computer retard besides searching for knoty things and emailing the computer is an alien to me.
May I have you as a link if I figure out how it works?

11:28 AM  
Blogger Change1996 said...

Now to the article.
I want to do the same thing too and eventhough I want to be held I believe we are doing exsactly what God wants us to my friend.We are trying our best to serve him and our fellowbeing and as we strive to do his will at our best we will get better at overcoming what ever we need to work on.
It's so hard to find a real friend a brother to hug and just hold at a camp fire without having second thoughts and him not feeling awkward.I understand your needs.You know what sex is like so you know it's nothing but a flaw...regardless of what those pro say...or how good it was that one time, there and there...But my dear brother, I know this true love and friendship does exsist and is possible. We just need to allow ourselves to heal and be open for real male friends and have them take us to the trip of real manhood.
Love ourselves and hey, then we're already one step closer to being the person we need to be.
Forgive me my mistakes,english is my first language but I don't get to speak it as often as I should
Flip I almost signed with my name...I'm way too open for this secret blog thing.hehehe

11:39 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Hi. I've been reading your blog with interest recently. Also, I've been trying to send you an email, but the link from your profile page does not work. Check it out. Or follow my link and drop me a note.

Keep things positive!

2:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

I am a devout Catholic, so I completely get this post--I struggle with the attraction I feel inside and my feelings for church and spirituality.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just a thought from a reader passing through...one of my good friends has been with her same-sex partner for 27 years. That's 26 years longer than my husabnd and I. I don't think they're in it for the sex.

Relationships of any orientation can be imbalanced, but they can also be balanced. In the end, it's what's right for you that counts...and I know that's not easy. Sometimes, our whole lives are just a journey in search of balance. I admire you for searching, even if it's incredibly painful.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Loyalist (with defects) said...

I can relate to what you are saying. Living with being gay/ssa is not easy.

I recall one of the cheesy church vids that said something like "if you want to be accepted by the smokers, you smoke. If you want to be accepted by the drug users, use drugs." It's simplistic but it's also telling.

We all have days that are crappy. We desire what others seem to have and covent what we can't get. I've always been a big believer that sex is just sex. Whether it's hetero/homo or something else.

Marriage. Now that is something worthy of keeping. I can see the commitment in your writing. Your heart is true (even if your libido seeks other pleasures).

Live to the truth you have. Live for your wife. Your kids will come in time. Contrary to some, they are so worth it (including the damn headaches they bring). Nothing has been more gratifying to me than to come home and my kids come running to the door eager for a hug and kiss and excited to tell me of their day.

that's true gratification.

10:28 PM  

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