Elbow: Chosen Is The Path

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Chosen Is The Path

Blogging has been an overwhelming experience. Not only have I been elevated and inspired for the better, but I have been supported and loved from people who don't even know me. The empathy that I have felt has been life changing.

I can't thank everyone enough for their support. Reading the experiences of Mormons who struggle with homosexuality has brought me to a very real and profound understanding. I can't even begin to write down the joy that this type of dialogue has brought to my life.

I'm in a very interesting place right now. I have come from an unstable and ambiguous place, suddenly I feel like the ground beneath me is a little stronger for me to stand on. I don't know exactly what the turn around was, or if there was an exact moment when I realized that I'm ok, and that the life I've always wanted, and the life that I have chosen is the path that I'm suppose to be on.

Everyone has their path, everyone has a journey that needs to be taken, examined and lived. I feel like I am starting to do that. I see the fruits of the labor that has been exhausted by those that are on both tracks, there are those of the gay persuasion that choose to stay and work out a Mormon existence of both obedience and ambiguity. And then there are those that choose a different spiritual path, one that isn't Mormon, but that is founded in an equally ambiguous and spiritual road.

All I know is, for me and my life right now, I feel free and peaceful with the direction that I have chosen for myself. Emotions really are the most motivating and directional influences in human behavior. These feelings that I can't see or touch, are as real to me as the screen I'm looking at.

There are so many things that I want that I will never get, but everything I need will be provided me. The Lord knows what I need, and He will give me what I truly need freely because he loves me. If I can't be content knowing that, then there's nothing that will make me happy.

I can see myself sitting at this computer time and time again searching for answers, feeling pain, feeling happy and confused all at the same time. I look back at the times when I was frustrated and hurt by what my life had turned out to be.

Through all of those past entries, there was one thing that kept me focused on something greater. The end result. "From what I am doing now and the path that I currently find myself on will lead me where? When time has run out, and there is an old and immobile body on my spirit, will I be happy with the choices I made in the past?"

Every single time I ask myself those questions, I get the same answer: I want to spend my last years with my wife. With our children surrounding us, and with the blessings of the gospel woven into every piece of our lives.

In the end, I will be a better person for trying.


Blogger -L- said...

You won't fail. Congrats on your conviction and direction.

I'm so glad to see your recent post tone. Being in a place of greater clarity and peace is a wonderful thing. I hate to acknowledge that such times can be fleeting. I've had them more and more frequently as I've tried to do what is right and my wife and I have communicated more and more openly.

And I suppose that's my advice for you as you keep on going down your path: work with your wife to have absolute honesty and openness about stuff. She needs to work on accepting the realities of your situation to help you to trust her with all the information you will need to share to be successful together as a family. The thing that has helped me find happiness in my journey has been loving acceptance from my wife and my [now former] bishop. They've helped me to feel not that I'm less of a person for my struggles, but that I'm more of a person for the honorable way I persevere in dealing with them. In both the peaceful valleys and the stormy cliffs.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

L is right. Truthfully, the only way to make your, or any, marriage work, is to fully involve your spouse. I know there have been many times when I've been so blessed that my husband loved and supported me, even when he could not possibly understand what I'm going through.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

I'm not alone!!!! I knew I wasn't, but I've finally discovered blogging and how to communicate with other gay mormons who want to stay true. I admire your courage, your conviction and your example. I'm struggling with a lot of questions right now about the way I want to take my own marriage. Sometimes it is so overwhelming and I just want to give in, give up or run away. My wife doesn't know I'm gay. I want her to know, but just can't imagine the pain and grief it would cause. I've never cheated on her and hopefully never will.

6:26 PM  
Blogger el veneno said...

I'm happy for you bud. I'd like to say I'd be happy for you with whatever path you chose, but I'm especially happy that you chose the same path I did. It feels good to have more people in the boat.
Just because our situation has taught us that the choice you are making may not necessarily be right for everyone doesn't mean it can't be right for you.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Elbow, I want nothing more for you than for you to find peace and happiness. Good luck as you continue your journey.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Linds said...

First time reader... all I can say is... wow... You are such a strong person. Such an admirable guy. I can relate to some of your struggles and know that none of them are easy. Very glad I found your blog. :-) I hope everything is going well for you...

Please take care.


1:11 AM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

I'm happy you're happy, Elbow. I wish you all the best.

2:49 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

I don't want to grow old with a man, with a friend, with a guy that has been my partner. I want to spend my last years with my wife. With our children surrounding us, and with the blessings of the gospel woven into every piece of our lives.

I completely understand this feeling because I feel identically. While it's sometimes hard to focus on the truly relevant as a 26 year old man, when I envision how I'll feel about everything as a 76 year old man, it's easy to see what I truly want for myself and how utterly emtpy I'd feel otherwise.

I echo everyone else's sentiments: I'm very happy to see you so content and sure of yourself. It's refreshing.

4:46 AM  
Blogger AttemptingthePath said...

i loved this post, elbow! The journey that you've taken that's been documented in this blog will be beneficial to SO many who will be taking it! have a good one!

4:30 PM  
Blogger David said...

I'm so happy you've found a direction that you feel peaceful about. Take good care.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Gay LDS Actor said...

I'm glad you're finding peace in your decision, Elbow. I hope it lasts. Whatever choices you make in life, I just hope you will always be happy and at peace.
Good luck in your continued journey.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous realneal said...

You are not alone in your struggle or your decision. Ultimately this life will be a blink of an eye in eternity, and the only thing we will take with us is our body, our testimony, our family and our faith. We will look back on the moments of temptaion and trial and realize how tiny they were in the eternal perspective. Keep the faith man! You're doing good!

7:39 PM  
Blogger The Man said...

I don't want to grow old with a man, with a friend, with a guy that has been my partner. I want to spend my last years with my wife. With our children surrounding us, and with the blessings of the gospel woven into every piece of our lives.

I echo another other's sentiment about relating to this. It is scary to think of myself as an old gay man. Mostly I think that is because there really are so few examples in society (let alone the microcosm of Mormon society) of older, committed gay couples. Having grown up in the Church it's no wonder I find such a future so hard to envision.

I press down that path, however, nervously at times, because I sincerely believe it to be the pathway to (and of) happiness for me. I wish you the best on your own path.

10:09 PM  

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