Chosen Is The Path

Blogging has been an overwhelming experience. Not only have I been elevated and inspired for the better, but I have been supported and loved from people who don't even know me. The empathy that I have felt has been life changing.

I can't thank everyone enough for their support. Reading the experiences of Mormons who struggle with homosexuality has brought me to a very real and profound understanding. I can't even begin to write down the joy that this type of dialogue has brought to my life.

I'm in a very interesting place right now. I have come from an unstable and ambiguous place, suddenly I feel like the ground beneath me is a little stronger for me to stand on. I don't know exactly what the turn around was, or if there was an exact moment when I realized that I'm ok, and that the life I've always wanted, and the life that I have chosen is the path that I'm suppose to be on.

Everyone has their path, everyone has a journey that needs to be taken, examined and lived. I feel like I am starting to do that. I see the fruits of the labor that has been exhausted by those that are on both tracks, there are those of the gay persuasion that choose to stay and work out a Mormon existence of both obedience and ambiguity. And then there are those that choose a different spiritual path, one that isn't Mormon, but that is founded in an equally ambiguous and spiritual road.

All I know is, for me and my life right now, I feel free and peaceful with the direction that I have chosen for myself. Emotions really are the most motivating and directional influences in human behavior. These feelings that I can't see or touch, are as real to me as the screen I'm looking at.

There are so many things that I want that I will never get, but everything I need will be provided me. The Lord knows what I need, and He will give me what I truly need freely because he loves me. If I can't be content knowing that, then there's nothing that will make me happy.

I can see myself sitting at this computer time and time again searching for answers, feeling pain, feeling happy and confused all at the same time. I look back at the times when I was frustrated and hurt by what my life had turned out to be.

Through all of those past entries, there was one thing that kept me focused on something greater. The end result. "From what I am doing now and the path that I currently find myself on will lead me where? When time has run out, and there is an old and immobile body on my spirit, will I be happy with the choices I made in the past?"

Every single time I ask myself those questions, I get the same answer: I want to spend my last years with my wife. With our children surrounding us, and with the blessings of the gospel woven into every piece of our lives.

In the end, I will be a better person for trying.