Infected
Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from myself. I tell myself that if I run fast enough, long enough and hard enough that I won't be able to catch up with me.
I just want to be in control of myself. Is that too much to ask? I don't know what lurks around the corner. I can be fine, happy, in love with life, in love with sex, in love with my wife and the gospel…and then bang! The most simple of insignificant things can happen and I'm in a whirlwind of pain.
I run away from me because I don't want to stop and look at something that I don' t have the answers to. I don't know how to be on a straight and narrow path when the slightest of distractions pulls me off. However, I guess that's what life is all about. What are these experiences saying to me that I need to look at? I know that there's something here for me to learn from, but the more I get off track, the harder it is to get back on.
I just want to be in control of myself. Is that too much to ask? I don't know what lurks around the corner. I can be fine, happy, in love with life, in love with sex, in love with my wife and the gospel…and then bang! The most simple of insignificant things can happen and I'm in a whirlwind of pain. I run away from me because I don't want to stop and look at something that I don' t have the answers to. I don't know how to be on a straight and narrow path when the slightest of distractions pulls me off. However, I guess that's what life is all about. What are these experiences saying to me that I need to look at? I know that there's something here for me to learn from, but the more I get off track, the harder it is to get back on.
posted by elbow at 7:19 AM
3 Comments:
And now you know ONE of the reasons why I run, literally.
Me too! Literally.
There's something about homosexuality that is so infections. It's amazingly beautiful and sometimes it can be the ugliest thing in the world. I struggle so much with the fact that I try and push it out of my mind, but it's always there. It's an obsession and I hate it and love it.
The use of the word homosexuality in the first sentence is as misplaced as would be heterosexuality. It's sex that you're really talking about.
Sexuality, whether homo or hetero, is what you make of it. As I've said before, homosexual men and heterosexual men are no different from a sexual appetite perspective. If you were straight and a member of a church that considered straight sex a sin, you'd be experiencing the same turmoil you're experiencing now.
You say you don't want to stop and look at something you don't have the answers to. Not very conducive to learning, that is. Learning, for example, that loving your wife and loving your fully gay self are not mutually exclusive.
Post a Comment
<< Home