I have felt more and more depressed as the days go on. I fake my way through everything I do. I feel like a victim, and I don't want to. I lack the inability to make a decision, and I hold a lot of anger in my heart. Slowly, very slowly I see all of this pain welling up to the point of a very disasterous explosion that will eventually detonate itself into oblivion.
I continue to starve, to burn, to weaken and groan when there isn't a sure blessing from what comes next. If I were Heavenly Father I would turn someone like me away. I would take a look at my suffering hands, at my bleeding jaw bone and pity the fact that when the choice came to grow and progress, this lifeless being chose inactivity. Growth comes from deciding. Progress is gained when momentum builds up from the doing. And I harbor non of those actions.
I can't decide, I can't think, I can't conform and I can't put down this debilitating anxiety. I feel lost in a huge chasm of stark static molecules that aren't connected to what I need.
The inability to discern what is truth and what isn't, is enough to make me not want to solve any of the problems that I'm faced with.
I hate that I have been given much. And because I have been given much to too much give, and therefore, all that I have to pass on and share are things that will be of no service to anyone. I have no tools or resources to confront problems that stand in my way, to correct obstacles that are in front of me. And the reason for all of this is the daily dichotomy I am faced with.