Agressive Release
I haven't masturbated for two weeks now. I feel fine. I haven't really noticed a withdrawal. Of course I feel like I am repressing a lot, so who knows what I'm feeling cause I couldn't begin to pin point any concrete emotion.
I've mentioned that the only things I have been able to really feel completely are anxiety and turmoil. Those are consistent. However, I lack the ability to get mad, to cry, to release ect… I know that I need to get all these intense feelings out, but maybe I don't.
I seriously considered cutting. I was sitting at work thinking about all the pain and hurt that are sitting inside of me waiting to be released. I use to masturbate to get it all out, and now that masturbation isn't a possibility, I thought about turning to cutting. Cutting would be a powerful release to all the anxiety and turmoil I am feeling, and hopefully it would also provide an outlet for me to cry and scream the way that I feel like I should be able to access. I'm blocked basically, and I don't know what to do.
I'm tired of being numb.
posted by elbow at 12:30 PM
7 Comments:
Elbow,
CUTTING IS NOT A VIABLE OPTION!
You need to talk!
There's a 24-hour-a-day, anonymous Help Line in New York: (212) 532-2400. Call!
NOOOOO!
It may seem like cutting will get you the release you want, but you'll only be adding to the pain you feel already. Not only that, it can become habit-forming. I saw a girl last night who had all these straight scars all up her arms. Trust me when I say you do not want to become that person.
There are other ways to circumvent the walls you've built to keep yourself in.
I think you have the right idea - you may need some kind of catalyst to allow the chemical reaction to begin so you can return to your 'lowest energy' state (if you don't get the chemistry analogy, look up catalyst on wikipedia).
When I get all pent up in my emotions, I usually set myself down to something very task-oriented and that I'm good at. I'll play a video game where the goal is easy to focus on and I can work toward it overcoming the obstacles the game throws at me. I'll sing karaoke where I can throw all the emotions I can't share in public into the song.
When I was a missionary, I wanted more control over my life, so I changed my diet. After I got home, I experimented with sleep deprivation to see if it would help me overcome obstacles that I knew were there, but I didn't know what they were or how they got there. That helped a little because I was too tired to maintain those "safeguards". I don't recommend sleep deprivation because it is self-destructive, but it helped me to see for a while what it was I was up against.
Find something, some task you're especially good at. Get yourself to a place where you can view the world as goal-oriented as possible, and accomplish it. It is amazing what a little symbol can do for your ability to accomplish difficult tasks in life.
Also, cutting is not an effective way to communicate your pain to your wife. YOU MUST USE WORDS ONLY.
I recommend listening to an audio series by Dr. Lund called For All Eternity. He talks about effective communication and what it means to be a content communicator. Seriously. If you don't want to order it, I will upload it to my ftp site and email you the link.
No cutting!
I run as fast and as hard as I can when I'm feeling pent up or the need for a release.
Don't hurt yourself, Elbow. You should masturbate and lie about it rather than mutilate yourself.
Elbow, I want you to breathe. You feel like your world is collapsing in on you right now, but cutting is NOT a viable option. I ask you to suspend reality for one second, and look at your situation. You are at the point where you are wanting to hurt yourself because of how you feel. Period. Your health safety and well being come before anything at this point. You are at a point of self-destructive behavior and you must do something about it, it is completely unfair for you to suffer alone. Talk to someone, anyone. Call a helpline. You will wind up with real scars that will remind you forever of the pain you are in now. You dont need that. You havent masturbated in two weeks. Dont let your wife make you feel guilty about that- you know what it is about, and its not about you trying to degrade her, its not about you purposefully trying to hurt her. You cannot help the way you are and at this point. In my opinion, you must either tell her now how you feel, or tell someone else, so that you can put things in order and lower you anxiety level. Please dont hurt yourself.
I strongly echo all comments above! Please don't hurt yourself or worse... It isn't worth it. Please talk to someone. You're not alone. We're all here for you!
Take it from someone who knows first hand, cutting does not help at all. If you need a release then just jack off and get it. If you want to tell your wife you did so you are leaving then fine or if you want to not tell her you did and just add one more secret then do it but whatever you do, DO NOT cut yourself. You might not see the dangers of it but it can get out of hand really fast and be a bigger problem than you already are facing
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