At Least It's Gibberish
I have such a heavy heart today. My mind is over processed with emotions and attempts at logic. I feel both frustrated at my inability to communicate what I want, and deeply saddened by the realities of my current failure.
Last night my wife and I laid in bed while she commented that she was sad, and further upset because I haven't noticed or done anything to make her feel better. I replied back that I didn't feel like she was any more sad than I was. She seemed surprised as she responded by saying "why are you sad?"
The muscles in my body went limp, my eyes saw sparks of white lights and air brushed red. I froze in my usual fashion and frantically waited for my mind and mouth to muster up something appropriate to say. My words were repeatedly vague and obtuse: "just the usual stuff."
"What stuff?" She insisted.
Said phrases kept repeating themselves like a broken record as I cowardly blurted out the only thing that I felt would keep peace in a space that seemed smaller than a millimeter, but had the potential to explode the entire state of New York right out from under us; "being sexualized at an early age" was the only phrase that exited my mouth.
"You wouldn't say anything to me if I didn't talk first."
I said "I know."
As we both laid there in silence for what seemed like a long while, she pleaded "will you start talking to me."
I said "yes."
When I woke up in the morning my wife said that I was talking all night in my sleep. I asked her what I was saying and she remarked that she couldn't make out any of the words, and that it all sounded like gibberish.
And I thought to myself "well, even if she couldn't understand what I was saying, at least I kept my promise." I'm now hopeful that my subconscious will come up with a way to speak something coherent while I'm awake too.
Last night my wife and I laid in bed while she commented that she was sad, and further upset because I haven't noticed or done anything to make her feel better. I replied back that I didn't feel like she was any more sad than I was. She seemed surprised as she responded by saying "why are you sad?"
The muscles in my body went limp, my eyes saw sparks of white lights and air brushed red. I froze in my usual fashion and frantically waited for my mind and mouth to muster up something appropriate to say. My words were repeatedly vague and obtuse: "just the usual stuff."
"What stuff?" She insisted.
Said phrases kept repeating themselves like a broken record as I cowardly blurted out the only thing that I felt would keep peace in a space that seemed smaller than a millimeter, but had the potential to explode the entire state of New York right out from under us; "being sexualized at an early age" was the only phrase that exited my mouth.
"You wouldn't say anything to me if I didn't talk first."
I said "I know."
As we both laid there in silence for what seemed like a long while, she pleaded "will you start talking to me."
I said "yes."
When I woke up in the morning my wife said that I was talking all night in my sleep. I asked her what I was saying and she remarked that she couldn't make out any of the words, and that it all sounded like gibberish.
And I thought to myself "well, even if she couldn't understand what I was saying, at least I kept my promise." I'm now hopeful that my subconscious will come up with a way to speak something coherent while I'm awake too.
posted by elbow at 9:02 AM
7 Comments:
I hope for healing, compassion and understanding for you both.
As we both laid there in silence for what seemed like a long while, she pleaded "will you start talking to me." I said "yes."
Elbow, pat yourself on the back. "Yes" is a good start.
Elbow, I know it's hard (and I am certainly no poster child for taking action), but you really owe it to yourself and your wife to be open and honest about what you are feeling. You say you are afraid of her. Why? What is it you fear? What do you think she is going to do? What's the worse-case scenario?
I remember for years I was afraid to discuss these issues with my mom because I was afraid I would hurt her or that she would be disappointed in me. But holding it all inside and not facing ones fears is absolutely crippling.
My mom still doesn't understand my issues fully, but we can now talk about it openly, and while she may not agree or condone certain choices I may make, she still loves me and wants what's best for me.
I realize my situation is much different than yours, but neither one of you seems especially happy, and I think the first step (no matter where it goes from there) is to clear the air with some honest, open communication.
Again, I realize I may be a hypocrite since being open is sometimes a very hard thing to do, but I do know that when I am, my life is more manageable.
Sorry. One last thought. The realities of what we fear more often than not turn out to be less scary than what we imagined.
actor is right. The fear is almost always worse than the reality.
You'll find that speaking your words honestly and straightforwardly will make you feel much better. At least you will have some of the burden lifted- how can your wife understand if you dont tell her? You are so close. Talking in your sleep- it could mean so many things... it could mean nothing. But I have a feeling that you were talking about the issues youre going through. Your mind is under so much pressure to be perfect and under control during the day, that its only option is to let loose at night. And I agree with LDSActor- when he says the fear is almost always worse than the reality. Another option you have is to perhaps go back to your therapist and see if perhaps you can tell her how you feel with him mediating. I have a close friend who came out to his parents that way... maybe you can consider that as well. Just some suggestions.... Take Care Elbow, -DCTwisted.
So much I want to say.
Thanks, Elbow, for being so careful and conscientious in working through this and writing your thoughts.
Communication is good stuff. And when it is between a husband and wife, it is more than good. Hard, but crucial. I still have problems with it, even though my wife pretty much reads everything I blog and knows, well, everything. I hope as you open up and discuss this that you don't feel that you must have already come to all the conclusions and just need to persuade her or explain it to her. Coming to the conclusions should be a joint endeavor.
Best to you, buddy.
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