Enough of Everything
Nothing adds up. It's all just painful and I don't want to discuss it anymore.
I want to disappear, I want to become invisible. I just want to decide something instead of just go with circumstance.
This blog gives the impression that I'm a weak person. I guess I am. I always thought I could do it. I feel so much anxiety.
posted by elbow at 10:56 AM
4 Comments:
You're not a weak person! Your internal struggle and care and concern for yourself and for those around you shows how strong a person you really are! You'd be a weak person if you didn't care about your marriage or the Church or your situation and you just left everything and did't look back to see what damage you inflicted on others.
You're not weak!
I relate so much with your feelings of the Church being frustrating, but loving the spirit and the Lord. I relate to your desires to disappear and become invisible and yet still wanting to make a meaningful decision. These conflicts show great inner strength - that you care! Trying to take care of yourself, your wife, your relationships is not a sign of weakness.
Being tired of the discussion is understandable. I sometimes wonder what the purpose of blogging is all about. I've found, despite others' opinions, that it is more than seeking sympathy or a "distraction". There is real strength in sharing our frustrations about things that really matter.
The temptation is always going to be there. So, the choice is before you to be wise with what you do about it. Staying married can still bring happiness. Despite my current angst, there have been many happy times in the past 20 years with my wife. It can be done!
The Church isn't going to change, and the stupidity of members isn't going to get any better, but how you contribute to the spirit and your relationship with the Lord do change depending on you.
Please hang in there. Your contributions have been inspiring to me and to a myriad of others I'm sure,and I seek the brotherhood and wisdom of your words each day.
On the contrary, I rather think you demonstrate a lot of strength. To me, to be weak is to be selfish, to think only of oneself; to be strong is to be sensitive to others, to be conscientious, to want to be unselfish. To struggle with the contradictory forces of being Mormon and being gay is no easy task; don't be too hard on yourself if you feel like you are going around in circles, because I think it is a somewhat inevitable consequence of being in this set of circumstances.
I know that when I was struggling with the decision of whether to come out, while I was still "active" in the church, that there were many times that I felt as if I had become some kind of battleground on which the rival forces of Mormonism and the gay world had decided to fight. I wanted no part of it; I just wanted to disappear, to be unnoticed, to live quietly. I stopped being active in the church when I decided I needed space to figure out who I was. I haven't gone back, and while I miss some things about the church community--the idealism, the friendships, the joy that comes from serving others--I have come to believe that for me to stay within the church would have led to some kind of suicide, literal or metaphoric. And my eyes have been opened up to some things about the church and about the world that have shifted my perspective about how "true" it is (or is not) and returned me to more of a position of "seeker". trying to remain open to truth.
All this to say, if you need to rest in the struggle, by all means do so and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. If you decide to come out, do it on your time and on your terms. Don't let others pressure you otherwise.
I wish there was a way that I could get out of being married without hurting my wife.
Elbow, it would seem that you are hurting her either way.
If there is anything that I have learned in my coming out process, it is that holding things back only delays and often intensifies the pain.
If you need a rest from all of this, then I think you should take one. But the only way forward on whatever path you choose--marriage or divorce--is in honesty and openness.
Hey. Sorry i've been missing for a while. First off, I dont think you are weak. For one, you are still alive and kicking. There are plenty of people who dont make it past that stage. Secondly, you arent completely debilhatated by this. Three, you are still committed to your wife- you havent cheated on her and dont go off with guys.
I relate to so much of what you say. You have a lot of strength and you dont even recognize it. You're trying to be a god person, just like Beck said- and that DOES mean a lot. You will get through this, just let yourself go at your own pace
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