E L B O W
Elbow: Decide and Speak

Friday, May 26, 2006

Decide and Speak


I had a break down yesterday. I can't express what I want to say. I can't even formulate thoughts sometimes, let alone words that form sentences. I am desperately seeking guidance at every turn, and while I'm not in therapy (but will soon be returning) it is hard to focus my turmoil on specifics. My life in general is a muted shade of conflict and it is tearing at my skin to fix it and do something about it.

I'm trying to seek out those answers for myself. I'm trying to truly understand what my path is and should be. I'm willing to do whatever it takes in order to find those things out, and own them by my own judgment.

5 Comments:

Blogger -L- said...

Elbow, I haven't commented for a while, and it's for multiple reasons. One is that I often disagree pretty thoroughly with what you say and I can't think of a diplomatic way of saying it without being half-assed. One is that I want so desperately for you to be happy that I feel like commenting somehow increasing my stake in how things turn out, and that makes me afraid.

It's all silly, I know.

So, from a healthcare professional (I can really say that now!) and not just a gay Mormon friend, I say you MUST continue to get the therapy you need. Your wife needs it as badly (if not more) than you do (for reasons I don't even appreciate, I'm sure). You need to discuss all of your issues with your wife, but I recommend doing it with a counselor present. Which means you need to establish a trusting relationship with a counselor (and your wife needs a trusting relationship with a counselor) preferrably prior to said conversation.

I've not said this in so many words yet, but it has long agitated me that you blog and your wife knows nothing about it. On one hand I recognize that you NEED to work through these personal issues personally. But on the other, it seems like a betrayal to share these most intimate parts of yourself with the whole world... except your wife. So, I'm not being judgemental, just commenting that it is something I wonder about.

I hope, honestly and truly, that you will find some peace and happiness. I believe, as you know, that there is great value in self awareness and insight that frees us from negative experiences, but that the only lasting peace and happiness are not to be discovered or made through some introspective process and liberation but by becoming more like God--a real Being.

Lots of love,
L

3:57 PM  
Blogger onDfence said...

Elbow,

I would like to bare my testimony that I know the Church to be true.

4:25 PM  
Anonymous Barry said...

Elbow, I strongly second L's advice to get mental health counseling now. I've just recently started reading your blog and you sound like I did about 10 years ago, only more intense because you are bottling everything up inside. You need to get an objective second opinion about the reality of what you think you're living through.

My wife and I separated for a few months while I worked out some of the worst of my stuff. We're still married and active in the church over 10 years later. Yes, I have felt at times that only a man could satisfy me. Yes, I loved my wife but went out and found willing men anyway (which led to our separation). But I also spent a lot of time in individual and group therapy sorting things out.

It doesn't matter which way you go, but it does matter that you go there for the right reasons. Having a big dramatic blow up and running away because you don't know what else to do just means that you don't know what to do and you don't feel that you have any way to work through it. That's not going to help in the long run.

Take back your power to choose and go talk to someone about it.

"Barry"

11:24 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I largely agree with the 3 comments above. I wish you the best of luck. If you are humble and truly turn to God, things will work out for you.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

I keep reading your blog--and saying nothing. Today I have to say that I totally agree with "L". His comments are right on the money. I'm the wrong gender, I know, but I've struggled with SSA most of my life. I'm sealed to my spouse, but he's aware of my struggles, and my blog, and he helps me daily.

For sure, let your wife join you in therapy. You might find even more of her to love, as she finds the same in you.

9:08 AM  

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