E L B O W
Elbow: Life Is Learning

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Life Is Learning

I don't know why but it's time, and I feel it really strongly. I feel a lot of peace about eliminating masturbation and porn from my life, not this anxiety and angst that I have once experienced. Nor do I feel dread at the present, and for that matter I feel confident in the pursuit of a non masturbation/porn life.

I recognize that this might be a fleeting moment of confidence and idealism, and I've accounted for the fact that I might stumble in my quest for a more integrity. Nonetheless, I focused on this goal, and I intend to keep it as long as I can.

There are things that are in my head that lately have inspired me for the better. Being a human and having inconsistent ideas and unbalanced goals is part of survival and coping, but at some point I have to grasp what my life's potential is. I have come to a conclusion that suits my heart like a glove, and what I have come to understand about me and my life is that Life is learning. There is no way to get around the fact that we are here on earth to learn and to grow. As human beings we battle amazing amounts of pain, some of it bearable and other times inexplicable. The pain, the joy and mundane are all for our benefit, to learn, to grow, to change and become better. The learning that takes place in my life is undeniably tied to the principles of meaning.

Whether my thoughts at the present are circular or not, I struggle somewhat to come up with a valid explanation of what I want to say, but at the heart of my words is the principle of meaning. Meaning is present because the task of earth life is to learn, and to learn fosters a revealing view of meaning. Therefore; as we learn we find meaning, and as we find meaning we learn.

I see myself on this earth, placed in a realm of physical challenge and perspectives that eludes completely to the principles of self-reliance, authenticity, responsibility, and mortality. I am born with things that are part of me but that don't define me, I am truly an individual who is a free thinking being, and I have the purpose to find meaning in all that life has to offer because there will come a time to return to God.

I see that day looming, and I don't feel fear or dread. I'm not ashamed of my past or my present, I am me and I am proud of the fact that I have asked questions and sought after peace. That day will come and life will be over, the existential angst of loosing the chance to grow and progress is almost unbearable, and at odds with this angst is the freedom to choose anything that I want to be and become. At the pinnacle of this struggle is the quest for meaning in adversity, joy in the moment and complete devotion to the here and now.

Today I feel strongly the drive to choose to focus on my existence in the here and now. At each moment, I am free to choose what I will do and be. That choice is amazing, because it gives opportunity to be the person I authentically can and will become. The most important aspect of my life is not what I have genetically inherited, but how I interpret and respond to the world around me at each given instant, and the kinds of choices I make about what to do next. I have chosen to stay away from porn and masturbation and I will do that because there is more to learn in my quest for meaning and learning.

3 Comments:

Blogger Dave Walter said...

Elbow,

I think that if giving up porn and masturbation will bring you peace, then that's great. My concern, though, is that, while you seemed to be obsessed with that fact that you looked at porn and masturbated, you now risk being equally obsessed with with avoiding them.

Man, I wish the LDS Church didn't paint such a black-and-white picture of masturbation (among other things).

Anyway, is masturbation your problem? Or is it sexual frustration? In your last post you said: "And while I think that the need to love someone else and to be loved in return is the underlying drive, I get the feeling that it is overshadowed by sex."

You love and are loved by your wife. Judging from what you've written previously, (sraight) sex doesn't come close to overshadowing the love in your marriage.

It's no different in the gay world. Love is love. Sex is sex. Different couples, gay and straight, have different balances of love and sex.

One of the problems, I believe, is that your physical life is out of balance with regard to sex, so your intellectual and emotional perspectives on sex and love seem to be out of balance as well.

I think the porn/masturbation issue is just complicating things. But as I said earlier, if giving up porn and masturbation brings you peace, then great.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Elbow said...

I feel strongly that to reach a higher level of consciousness I need to stop focusing on the more baser and carnal instinct that I possess, and start to focus on how to enhance my core-self in more uplifting ways.

I'm not sure I agree with you about being obsessed. Right now I feel passionate about eliminating m & p (masturbation and porn usage) from my daily activities, but I haven't necessarily ruminated over it in my mind to the point of obsession. I haven't really thought that much about it, except for the occasional feeling of peace that I get from knowing that I am trying to reach a higher level of awareness. Nonetheless, I would rather be obsessed with something challenging and progressive, as opposed to being obsessed with something that's counter-productive.

I completely agree with you about there being no difference in the gay world as far as love and sex are concerned. This isn't a gay/straight issue, it's a personal issue of striving to reach a greater level existential thought. In the here and now, p & m have no purpose other than to feed the carnal and demoralizing characteristics of the human spirit. If I were in a gay relationship, I wouldn't want my spouse masturbating when he is suppose to come to me to further enhance our relationship through that kind of intimacy.

I think in anyone's life, if someone is focusing daily on images of sex and lust then there is an unbalance of freedom and angst that need to be looked at. By eliminating p & m, I will be able to further explore what it is that I am covering up by feeding into that kind of behavior.

Do I sound like a self-righteous freak? Yeah, I know I kind of do, but I really feel that way right now. It makes sense at the present to really strive to look at what the p & m is doing to my spirit and my psychic energy.

6:24 AM  
Blogger Dave Walter said...

No, you don't sound like a freak. You sound like a Mormon. : )

I have many more thoughts about this issue; I'll come up with a blog entry sometime this week. Thanks for the intellectual stimulation.

2:28 PM  

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