Happiness

All this talk about happiness has led me to ponder my own views and philosophy of what it means to be happy or to find happiness. It just so happens that I picked a good day to do that, because right now I feel exceptionally happy.

I feel really good today. I feel happy, I feel at peace with myself, with life, and with what I am trying, or not trying to accomplish.

Looking back at the times when I wasn't feeling so happy, I can say that I notice that I somewhat of a lazy person, and I complain very easily when things are hard and not necessarily going my way. I have also realized that I'm very whinny, and I don't know how any of you have come back to read more, because the incessant complaining and whining is enough to make anyone throw their hands up in frustration at my saturated murmurings.

I masturbated yesterday. I was feeling very frustrated and tired. I was getting overwhelmed with things I had to do, and I was thinking too much about myself and not about the blessings I have in my life. The habit of looking at porn and masturbating is intensely strong. It's something that, once it becomes a habit, it occurs without warning or thought. It's mindless and completely run by the auto pilot side of the brain. That's kind of scary. I mean, shouldn't it at least be thoughtful instead of lacking any thought whatsoever? I guess that's just how it goes for me.

Regardless of my track record, today is a new day and I am resolved to not give attention to porn or masturbation anymore. I know and recognize that the road will be hard. I also recognize that I might sound a little ridiculous because I've made this promise more than once and have come back with failure written all over my entries, but these things take time. I am willing to admit that it's not going to be easy, and that it's something I have to work hard for.

Anyway, I don’t want this entry to be about p & m. I want it to be about how for once, I am not whining, and that I feel happy and grateful to be alive.

I don't think happiness is about being fulfilled, although that helps a great deal. And I don't think that happiness comes from being aware and from learning. I know plenty of really low functioning people, who have down syndrome, or other mentally challenging disabilities who are as ignorant and happy as anyone on the planet. But even that isn't the cause of happiness. What happiness is to me is a choice. I really believe that through life, and through our existence, that happiness is a choice. Sometimes it's better to choose to be sad because that's what we need to feel in order to heal and mourn. Sometimes we need to be angry because that is part of the process of communication and letting out negative energy, and sometimes we need to feel bored and lethargic. We can succumb to the whims of the chemicals in the body, or we can search them out and put them into action. Choose to be happy, and choose to allow yourself to be happy when you need to be, and not when you don't need to be.

I don't know if that's true or not. I think there is more to be said on the subject, but for now, I feel good about that. I feel happy today, and I didn't even choose to, I just am and I think a lot of it has to do with the sleep I got and what I've been eating. But at the same time I have been making an effort to forget about what I can' change, and to focus on what I can, maybe by doing that I have made myself a little happier.