Elbow: I Want Now

Monday, June 26, 2006

I Want Now

Having decided to try and stop masturbating/porn looking has been harder than I anticipated. It was great for the first couple of weeks, and now I'm just kind of back where I started. I mean maybe I am addicted, maybe I've been lying to myself in saying that I can gain control over something so simple as my own will and choice. It sounds easy enough…but I guess it's not.

Sometimes I wonder if being sexualized at an early age has caused these obsessive feelings of sexually charged desires. I don't know, maybe the desires are what led me to the sexualization in the first place. I can't necessarily look back and change anything so I'm looking at my life now and trying to determine what I can change and what I can't.

I love my wife. She continues to be loving and attentive as I have been more conscious of trying to let her in.

I have so many unanswered feelings inside of that I need to address now. I'm tired of waiting and seeing, analyzing and looking. I want to choose now. I want to decide now. I want to know now. I need this process to hurry itself up. I think about how close my wife and I are to having kids, but there's this huge exhausting problem that I can't seem to manage and it's tearing me apart.


Blogger Jason said...

How can I look at my wife with love and gratitude, while in the same sentence, look at a guy next to me and want to kiss him.

When I have moments like this myself, it's helpful when I realize that this isn't a gay married guy problem. This is a man's problem. Probably most enlightening to me was when my dad expressed the same exact frustrations (only, for women of cours, as he looked at my mom with love and gratitude). It opened my eyes to the fact that this lust thing is something lots and lots of guys deal with, and I'm not intrinsically bad for feeling those lusty urges. If anything it makes me (and you) very, very normal.

About P&M. Masturbation took me literally years to kick. Seriously. Porn has taken even longer (and I'm finally done? Let's just say it's been a long time). Don't get discouraged. You will overcome that stuff and gain control, but it takes time. What a relief and a triumph though when it finally happens.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

May I say "amen" ? I'm with A.O. on this one.

Sometimes accepting that we have the feelings we do is the first step in coming to terms with them. Maybe one of the things that's causing you so much anguish is the fact that you know having those feelings/habits hurts your spouse, and you love her...but, honestly, I think everyone struggles with some degree of absolute fidelity at some time in his/her life.

By the way--thank you for the comment you left on my blog. I still think you are very sweet.

10:24 PM  
Blogger Latin Stud! said...

hmm.. i got help with the SSA conselours about porn... it's like freaking stupid addicting... but its possible to stop.. (i have done it like 100 times! haha jk!) BUT Seriously bud! it's kind of hard... I have been out of it for a like 3-4 months... i Started to talk to my friends online, talk to my roommates, call my mom and people i like, dance... and such intead of being in front of my EVIL laptop.. lol.
Keep trying.. that would help to stop thinking sexually about guys and stuff...

just an idea... hope u feel better!! :D

1:54 AM  

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