Elbow: Synchronization

Monday, July 31, 2006


I've started to feel guilty again for masturbating. There was a time when I didn't let it affect me, but now that I am making strides to focus my attention on more worthwhile endeavors, it has started to make me feel bad about myself.

The sex life I have with my wife is great, we are frequently having sex, and I feel very satisfied. So why do I feel the need to masturbate? I'm attributing it to selfishness, and that I covet what I can't have. When I'm having sex with my wife, she's all I want.

I'm certain that the microcosm of this experience lies in the moment when I engage my thoughts toward another man. I'm going to start there. Maybe I'll make this an experiment, and see if I am able to shift my attention from the random guy on the street and place it on whatever else my mind needs to think of in a non-sexual way. We'll see what that does for me.

In all of this new decision making, and commitment to a greater level of consciousness, I have left the Savior out of this equation. I need to start to reevaluate where my life is with my savior. I need to find out where my devotion lies, and to seek out a greater level of synchronization with the Lord's will and mine.

Other than that, my life is good. I feel happy about where my life is going. I feel that the challenge ahead of me is great, but that placing my will with the Lord's is going to make a huge difference.


Blogger Ward Cleaver said...

I can feel your pain/experience as I totally relate.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Beck said...

Sometimes, even when we work so hard at it to be otherwise, we aren't as "synchronized" as a nuclear clock. Our clocks are filled with springs wound too tight and loose screws - and eventually they pop or unravel. And it hurts. So as Sam says, "amazing, you're human". You keep going - that's the key!

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound bi to me, not gay.

7:03 PM  

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