Elbow: Shiz That's In My Head

Friday, September 29, 2006

Shiz That's In My Head

The stress has subsided a bit. I was feeling so overwhelmed about being attracted to guys. Sometimes I want to see a naked guy and then when I'm at the gym, and I actually do see a naked guy, who looks really good, it ends up not being very exciting.

I was freaking out for no reason. I love my wife so much. I look at her a sense of peace comes over me. She's brilliant. She's beautiful. She's smart and funny and charming.

I saw my therapist yesterday and I'm really glad that he's so cool and extremely intelligent because I need someone who is prepared to sort all of the messed up shiz that's in my head.

He pointed out something really insightful to me. He noticed that I continually refer to my actions as "I can't help it" or "I end up doing..." or "I'm afraid of what I'll do..." and "I don't trust myself." He basically called me out and told me that I of course am choosing to do what I do. I'm in charge and I make the choice.

Recognizing that I have control, and that the impulses are not the deciding factor of my actions is a really important discovery for me.

Basically it's good to have someone call me out for things that I subconsciously know I need to correct. And it's good to be told that my impulses aren't the summation of my actions.


Blogger Beck said...

Yeah for Elbow! Good job! Way to go! I'm glad you didn't go off the deep end... You do have the power to choose! We all do! We may not CHOOSE what our attractions or impulses are telling us to do, but we DO CHOOSE what we do about them. Free agency is the one gift that cannot be taken from us. We may feel trapped, forced, tricked, hopeless, discouraged, aroused, tempted, excited, etc... but these feelings are not the choice in and of themselves. We are still free to decide how we respond to these "impulses".

You can still make your choice!

9:32 AM  
Blogger Change1996 said...

baby steps. Look at the stair cases they can take you so high. We need to take one step at a time. Try not to get frustated with yourself. We all love you. Just keep goin...;-))

5:22 PM  
Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

Just don't let Change's Baby Steps take you to Death Therapy.

And if you don't get the joke, you should really see what about Bob. :)

I'm glad you're coming to terms with your agency. From there you can move forward. I really should...but we're talking about you, not me.

You can do it, Elbow...I know that we all have our "pet sins"...for you it's craigslist. For me it's other things...for Change 1996 it's still something else.

One thing to remember about erections is that it's not _always_ what you're thinking, as "scientists have done studies" and they've found that there's a micro-processing center in the small of your back that affects it, too. Not absolving you of anything, mind, because you still choose to act, but it was thought provoking for me.

Enjoy conference!

9:38 PM  
Blogger iovan said...

Your teeth hurt from wanting to see a naked guy?! Maybe I'm not experiencing the same attractions after all :)

Really glad to see things have calmed down a bit for you. Also, I was touched by the way people responded to your last post. You are not alone!

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm new to the blogging world and ran across yours, I like it a lot. Im not new in the ssa world, but I think you have insightful things to say. I just wanted to say hi, and that I liked this post.

8:27 PM  

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