Help Me! I'm An Addict!
What am I going to do about my pornography use? I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
I was sitting in my office yesterday, and I was clicking on different links and just before I could even think of it, I was looking at naked men. I don't know what my mind did to go on autopilot, but without my consent...there I was. And so I looked. I kept looking and I noticed that I didn't even have an erection. I kept clicking on sights that would provoke my sexual faculties more, but nothing worked. So naturally I thought well if this isn't doing anything for me physically then what am I doing? So I told myself to change the screen to something that wasn't homoerotic. I couldn't change it. I don't know why but I kept looking and finally decided to just masturbate to get it over with. I didn't even have an erection and I was pulling on myself to give me one. Why? I felt like I was making myself masturbate and look at pornography and I didn't want to. Does this make sense to anyone?
It frustrated me. And the more I thought about it I realized that it had happened a couple of other times before where I wasn't turned on or stimulated but I was looking at it because...that's my habbit, it's an addiction. Sometimes I sit at the computer and I'm like "What am I doing? I'm not enjoying this. Why am I doing this?" It's crazy. So I need help. I guess I should talk to the bishop, but what can he tell me. Should I go to an addiction clinic or something? What do I do? I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be addicted anymore.
This is what is frustrating too, I love having sex with my wife, and if it was up to me I would want to have sex almost every other day. So why do I need to masturbate? When we make love I don't even have to worry about getting an erection...it's just there. And yet I sit at the computer and I have to work at making myself hard so that I can do something that I don't want to do anyway. I'm frustrated with this.
That's all. I'd appreciate any advice as to how I can elimiate this practice from my life entirely.