Elbow: Embody

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


I was feeling very sexual yesterday, and instead of asking my wife to participate in my sexual release, I engaged in pornography viewing and let my hand perform the necessary arrangements. From that moment I felt a little disgusted at myself because I have been trying to stop the enticing practice. I don't want it in my life and I need to have control over it so that I am able to take my mind off of that kind of sexual energy.

The words "I'm never going to be ok" keeps running through my head, which is ridiculous because I know I'm going to be ok, I mean, I am ok. It just feels uncomfortable right now.

But looking on the brightside, I see that there are major blessings in my life right now, the post that johngalt wrote is amazing to me. I look at his struggles, and I have come to realize even more, that this life is hard. Whether it is meant to be or not, being on earth and surviving is hard. And then to add on top of it, the struggle of following the Lord and searching for His blessings, it almost looks insurmountable. But the joy that johngalt speaks of and the peace that he longs for is real.

I've said this before, but this life isn't about following your own path and being an individual. As hard as people may think it is, it's not a challenge to "be yourself", any more than it is a challenge to "not be yourself", what is hard and challenging and worthwhile, is handing over your life to the Lord. This sounds crazy even to me. Earth life, and human existence boils down to one purpose…the Lords. The perspective that I want to have is an eternal one with eternal rewards.

It's time for me to stop writing about what I want and telling myself what I think I should do, and it's time to actually perform the action…the action of following the Lord. I can say how much I want to love the Lord, how much I want to serve Him and follow Him, but to the truest sense I want to be surrounded by as much good as I can, and in order to do that I have to be and embody what it means to be good. Not in a fake way, or even a hopeful way, but in a way that is sincere and searching.

I don't want to just speak about what I feel is right, I want to actually do what I feel is right.


Blogger -L- said...

I keep meaning to study the scriptures every day as a part of really *doing* what's right rather than just talking about it.

It's something I still need to work on. You should pester me to do it. ;-)

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I had even a portion of the strength that you and many of the others have. You are amazing, and have great love and strength. You are okay, you are loved, you are a child of our Heavenly Father, the brother of Jesus Christ. Although their are great struggles in this life, we are all truly blessed. As johngalt mentioned in the post you refered to in your last blog; "I (you and I) have "great peace... within out "soul with so much love and gratitude and peace. I know it is not easy to see, and sometimes appears very unlikely, but it is within you and I. I know this because we think about the things in your blog, we write about them, and we care.
Continue with the path you are on. You will be greatful that you did when you great the Maker on the other side. I can, with all sincerity and belief in my heart and soul, tell you this with certainty.
Again, I love and care about you. Please stay true to YOU!

6:23 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

I keep telling everyone--if you don't allow yourself to use the bathroom in the morning until after you've studied your scriptures, I promise, it will of necessity, become a habit in a number of days.

Of course, I can't vouch for the quality of the study...

7:57 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

I gave a "great lesson" last Sunday in my Sunday School class where afterward I was showered with numerous accolades for such a "great lesson". It had to do with some insights in how to really be Christlike in our attitudes and ACTIONS toward those less fortunate around us, and in DOING SOMETHING about it instead of just speaking about it...

Needless to say, I came away feeling like such a hypocrite. It's hard to measure up. It always will be! We have the EXAMPLE before us and we're bluntly reminded every day how we DON'T measure up.

The that's not the point! Of course we don't measure up. We always fall way short of the mark. We stumble, we are hypocrites... The point is that we pick ourselves up and go DO SOMETHING!

(Here I am preaching again, and I feel so hypocritical!) Oh, well.

I love you.

8:17 AM  
Blogger Loyalist (with defects) said...

That is one of the many reasons why I love "Grace". It is a concept that seems hard to grasp for the general Mormon culture where we continually speak about "good works".

In Sacrament meeting for us we sang Hymn #185 "Reverently and Meekly Now". It has become one of my favorite hymns simply because of the overwhelming joy I get because of the sacrifice, service, dedication, and above all love that the Lord renders for me (and you).

Measuring myself to Him, I will always prove failing. However, measuring myself against myself I begin to see potential and after some work, some growth. Even if I was not to grow or change but struggle and fight but stay true to the cause - His Grace will make me sufficient.

I like that despite my weakness, insecurities, and human frailties that Christ loves me and is my Savior.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Am I the ONLY one who doesn't think deep thoughts on this blog?

11:01 AM  
Blogger Change1996 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:48 AM  
Blogger Change1996 said...

I was too preachy....hey, after all we're all in the same boat.
Keep trying. Are you trying? One thing I've been asking myself the last few days. Am I really trying or is it just "trying". He isthere. He is pleading(preachy again)and he can smoothen your soul with love and tender mercy like an ocean a stirred up sand beach.
Let him do it. Let us let Him heal us.
Precept by precept,little by little sin by sin. We just have to want it and walk to him like my little daughter as she was learning how to walk.
Love ya mate

11:56 AM  

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