Oh Say What Is Truth
I have no idea how to make a claim on truth, or to tell how one can gain an unequivocal certainty of something. It's hard to even say what my feelings are from one minute to the next, let alone which view point God what wants the gay Mormons of the world to do.
I'm certain though that the Lord doesn't just shrug His shoulders and nod as we go with the flow of life.
The ongoing process of beginning a new path is becoming so life changing that in all effects, I am always going to be "starting something new". The Lord in all is wisdom is not just a powerful being of strength and love, but He is a Father, He is my Father, and yours. He loves to no end, and He is knowledgeable without flaws.
I am conscious of the idea that the Lord knows better than I know. I am aware that I have a much more limited scope of what it means to overcome, and what it means to love, and how one can be truly happy.
I feel an extreme amount of guilt for having these homosexual feelings. In all my searching for truth, I have found little pieces of certainties that make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile and important with the time that I have here on the earth.
I want progress and I want light. I want truth, and I want a confirmation of that truth. But in the end I somehow know that life isn't about getting everything I want. Life is about the journey, it's about trying for what's right, striving and living my life so that I can say that I did everything I could to bring myself closer to my Heavenly Father.
posted by elbow at 7:27 AM
4 Comments:
You have put my thoughts in words better than I think I every could have. It is sure nice to hear them too! Thanks!
Craig
cmick1
oh man, the gay thing is hard enough. it really throws you for a loop...then you throw religion into the mix and everything gets messed up.
I hope you're able to work things to where you and your wife are both genuinly happy.
That is my favorite hymn. And as far as favorite hymns go, it's not a typical choice! Just thinking through the words makes me happy.
I have to admit that I haven't been reading the scriptures or praying or doing all the things I should be. But I still recommend giving it a try. If you have an institute program in your area, sign up for a class. It's a way to sort of force yourself to think about things, read a few scriptures, and socialize with folks from the church and it may be more palatable than just heading right back to the Sunday block.
I read an article recently that suggested that the church is simply a rough instrument whose
purpose is to provide a context in which we can learn to love others. It is no better and no worse than the members within it. It is fluid, and can grow and stretch as its membership changes, and reflects the same imperfections and weaknesses of those members. It has a divine destiny and mission which is to prepare our hearts for the return of the Savior.
This same article suggests that people with homosexual feelings have a divine destiny to teach heterosexuals how to love better. This is based in the premise that because "we" have experienced ostracism, fear, or hatred from others (and even if those haven't been directed specifically at us, individually, there is an inherent tendency of heterosexuals to aim those feelings at homosexuals, in general), we understand something about the importance of love and acceptance, which is perhaps less
understood by others.
I don't know if that's true, but as I feel overwhelming feelings of
love for many of my brothers and sisters, and as I watch perfect
strangers in the bloggosphere treat each other with respect, support, and love (even when those individuals may disagree with each other on basics about life values and theology), I think it might be.
If you do decide to go back to church, I hope you will go with an
open and forgiving heart, and I believe it will help you. Regardless of what you decide, I just want you to know that reading your words in your blog, and your kind, encouraging words to others (including myself), has shown me a picture of an individual of infinite worth. You have a good heart, a beautiful soul. I love you, and I wish you joy.
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