Dishonest Elbow
I have a problem with being honest and telling the truth. It pervades all aspects of my life, including this blog. Of course I'm very frank and open, but I have tendencies toward dishonesty. It's something I really want to work on. I guess my dishonesty all started with the incident of sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young. From that point on I had a huge secret to hide and I swore to myself that I would do all things possbile to keep the incident undesclosed. I was worried that people would think less of me, I was worried that people would find out that I was gay. I was worried that I would looked down upon, I was worried that I had let my family down, and in the process that I lost my chance at salvation.
I was young and I didn't realize that the sexual abuse wasn't my fault or that I didn't cause the incident, which is still debatable because I liked the encounter and I craved for it to happen again and again. But I tell myself that it's not my fault because I was young and I was not aware of what being physically intimate in that capacity really meant. Or mayube I did...
So now I'm left with this secret side of my personality that won't allow me to let go and share peices of myself with people who love me. I yearn for honesty in my life. I yearn to share and I yearn to be loved for the insecurities and the lies that I pray people can get over. I look at my beautiful wife and I love her with all of my heart. I look at her and think of how much I'm a jerk for not being completely honest. I feel disgusted that I haven't told her about this blog. I want her to know, and yet I don't. She doesn't know that I feel this way. She knows that I have homosexual tendencies and she knows that I have problems because of the sexual abuse that I encountered when I was young, but she doesn't know I masturbate, and she doesn't know that I look at pornography.
I don't know how to break this cycle that holds me captive. I want to tell her, I want her to know, but I'm scared she'll leave me. I'm scared that she'll love me less, and I'm most scared of hurting her.
I guess I've already hurt her, she just doesn't know it yet.
posted by elbow at 12:23 PM
2 Comments:
Moments ago I finished reading In Quiet Desperation, and there was a section in there called "to mourn and to comfort". It reminds how necessary it is to be supportive and encouraging to others whose pains and struggles are understood by so few.
You've always been so supportive in your kind words to others through your comments. I really appreciate the good example you set.
I suppose there's a sense in which I'm dishonest with my immediate family because I refuse to share with them this important aspect of my life. Like you, I'm afraid of what might come of it.
If you trace out all the endings to all the possible consequences of being completely honest with your wife, I think you'll find the best path. Where does each choice lead in terms of your relationship with your wife, the time spent, the opportunity to get help, the opportunity to move on?... whatever the case may be.
I wish you inspired insight into this issue, because it seems to me so central to your long term happiness. And I really hope you find and hold onto happiness in whatever path you choose.
Keeping things from the ones we love seems to be the natural instinct of "protecting them" from pain. We justify it will be the best way to let the issue go away by hiding it.
But, as you've found, hiding it also allows us to explore deeper in ways that we couldn't in an out-in-the-open way. If you were totally honest with your wife, you'd have to share the blog with her, your ventures into porn and masturbation. Now that can be good, in the sense that she could be there to help you - if you want help. It could be bad, if she could help you, and you truly DON'T want help. It could be bad, if she's had it with you and she leaves you. It could be good, if she's had it with you and she finally leaves you to do as you please in the open without her.
As -L- says, there are many paths to take with your struggle for honesty. Believe me, I've struggled through this same mental exercise.
As much as you don't want to admit it, it seems to me that you want to stay dishonest with her so that you can continue doing "whatever you want" without her knowing.
It ain't an easy road! Believe me, I know!
My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend.
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