Elbow: Pixel Hell

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Pixel Hell

I'm beginning to think that my life is just meant to be what it is. I'm not saying that I am "doomed" to live a life without male romantic interaction, I simply feel that my life is suppose to be me as a gay man trying to make a hetero marriage work because in the long run I will be blessed(?). I know that I paint my life to be such a blood bath, but in all honesty, I use this blog to emote and to release what pain I go through. Part of the reason why I blog is because after blogging I feel much better.

I feel overwhelmed at the responses I have gotten from people who I've never met, but say they care about me. That's amazing. I feel blessed to have that type of interaction in my life, especially when I go through things that feel like they will never get better.

I'm addicted to pornography. I went to one meeting that the Church holds for addiction. It was good, but it felt really uncomfortable because I couldn't open up and really say what I wanted to say. I don't know if I was nervous, but I just don't understand how to get away from porn.

It's a little frightening because I've never had this problem before. I mean sure, I use to look at porn once and awhile, but it's just become more and more frequent to the point that I have to be doing it every day. Sometimes that's all I think about. Why does the mind hold on to such images like they're candy? It's so crazy that I can look at a picture and feel relief. I'm in serious need of trying to get this habbit out of my life.

Interestingly enough, I want pornography out of my life, but I don't know if that desire out weighs my desire to look at it in the first place.

Last week I was alone in an office without a computer, and I really really wanted to see any type of gay porn that I could get my hads on. I was looking though books and DVD's and I couldn't find anything that would satisfy me. I felt like a drug addict looking in a medicine cabinet for something to get my fix. In desparation I picked up my digital camera and started taking photos of myself naked. Somehow that was enough for the moment, but isn't that sick? I had to look at photos of myself naked to get off!? I don't get it.

I feel desperate. I'm a little uncertain of what I can do to take care of this problem. Who cares that I'm gay, who cares that I've messed up in the past with guys? I just want to not be bound by something so trivial as digital pixels of flesh. It's just frustrating.


Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

Porn releases the same dopamine as other drugs do, so no wonder you feel like an addict. You may want to look at strategies used in conquering drug addiction to help you overcome this one.

As for the blood-bath on your blog (including that heart picture)...At least you're getting it out somewhere and it's not festering inside.

Keep your chin up; step up, move forward. That's all we can do.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loyalist said...

I can't even begin to tell you how many times i've been driven to find pixelated flesh. or how many times I've given in to its call.

I have discovered though that the Lord doesn't care how many times you fall/fail - only if you desire/want/need/give effort to/ getting up.

It is good to have a place to vent.

My wishes to you, my friend

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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8:21 PM  
Blogger Rusty said...

Something I've found through recovery is that the addiction, the desire to act out, tends to be secondary. For me, it was a way of self-medication. I had been carrying around so much pent-up emotional pain from years of physical and emotional abuse that I had been accustomed to numbing out through porn and masturbation.

So as part of recovery, I had to go to the root causes of the addiction. I really had to acknowledge and heal from all the abuse and pain. For a time that made matters worse, as it unleashed a series of bouts with clinical/suicidal depression, but it was necessary to get to a somewhat better place. I'm certainly not all the way there, but I can confidently say I'm better now than I was at the beginning.

In terms of pain/depression, it sounds like you're in a similar place. You've found outlets like blogging to vent off the pain, but blogging alone won't do the job (and in some cases it could make matters worse).

I think it's a huge step that you're attending the Church groups for addiction. (Is it the ARP group? It's just starting, but I've talked to a couple of guys who are involved with it, and they say it has some potential.)

As far as getting away from porn, I personally have found that this just isn't possible in the strictest sense of the phrase. But then, my circumstances are different. My job involves me spending *lots* of time online, so I feel I'm more in a place of always keeping my head down and defenses up.

How helpful is your bishop? Over the years, I've found that I've had to break some bishops in--overall they were pretty clueless as to how the addiction operated. In some cases, I think they were more interested in me just stopping whatever I was doing rather than trying to learn what the deeper causes were. Kind of like just slapping a band-aid on a tumor.

One last thing. You have an opportunity here, if you're interested, to really learn something about Christ and the Atonement on a very personal level. Because there really is no other way out of this.

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm really glad you decided to take a step and attend an ARP meeting. I've always been the kind of person who's open and willing to talk about anything, but I totally understand your feelings of being uncomfortable. Lots of people are, going to those meetings, but its the ones that share what they're truly going through who help you understand how to cope with your own pain. Oftentimes in those meetings I just felt like I was saying, "I'm starting over" for the upteenth time, but people understand that. They know we all are starting over everyday.

I'm having the worst time trying to kick my addiction as well. It's so hard to stop when you start, and I feel so unworthy to be around the people and the place that I am. Anyway, I want to let you know I feel for ya and I'm in the same boat.


2:51 PM  
Blogger SG said...

You've hit a nerve for me. I go through phases (maybe it's linked to the phases of the moon or something else I equally don't understand at all) where I find myself craving pictures and a release more than I crave food or sleep or to fulfill my responsibilities as a husband and father and employee. Sorry about that really long sentence.

I'm just beginning to understand the basis for that addiction. It's helped me understand the deficiencies in my own life that drive me to need porn and more.

Thanks for helping me see the situation through someone else's eyes.

9:12 AM  

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