I'm Here
Sometimes, wasting away is the best option. You have a lot of choices in front of you, and the best one seems to be the road to complacency. I’m the kind of person that waits to feel and see what will come my way. I don’t wrestle with much else but the decision to decide. I’m here for a day and I see everything clearly, then for the second after I’m hitting my head against the wall and wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.I hate looking in the mirror and liking what I see. I don’t want to be attracted to myself. I don’t want to lust after my own face. I want to hate myself but I can’t. I’m learning to listen to my own features. I sit and wait for the silence to take my lips and make them into origami or something sleek and frivolous. Everything I do is an empty attempt to make my life weaker and weaker. I listen to the radio to hear a man sing. I look at photos to see a semblance of masculinity. I am aware, far too aware of the message that testosterone can cast. I’m here, looking for the world, and the only figures that I can make out are lying down and naked.
I hate the way that I forget what it feels like to be free from guilt. I’m destined to survive along with my guilt. I’ll carry the banner of loathing and shame to my grave, and when the shattered cracks of gatherings hit my forehead, I’ll still be hiding from the same guilt that held my hand through all of life’s obstacles and triumphs.
I’m here to decide, and therefore I have decided not to decide anymore. I’m happy with pain and dissolution. I’m happy with inconsistency, and I’m very free knowing that I don’t have to hope for a masculine smile or an embrace that was meant only for my body.
The lines of hurt and pleasure are fast approaching. Half lived and half wanted is all that is stable when it comes to staying still.
posted by elbow at 11:37 AM
4 Comments:
I'm glad your here Elbow. I enjoy following your blog. Thanks for sharing your journey.
I'm glad you're here, too. I was worried about you.
I wish I could magically allow you to see yourself as God sees you; then I think you wouldn't be so tough on yourself.
I'm glad you're here, three.
Knowing you are still ticking, breathing, living (in whatever state you call living) is a relief!
Deciding to decide not to decide is still a decision! Sometimes my indecision becomes the decision. Sometimes I like my guilt, my pain, my depression, my sins. If I were truly free of them I don't think I could live... what would there be to complain about?
Elbow, your posts are so contrary to your comments on other blogs. Do you see how genuine, sweet, nice and sensitive you are to others and how hard, mean, intense you are toward yourself? Blogs allow us to beat ourselves up... that's one of the points. But I can't help but see the beauty that is YOU as you reach out to others! I hope you see that inner-beauty yourself!
Love,
Beck
I know what its like to be in your shoes elbow. You dont want to make a choice because youre afraid. I still technically havent made any major choices- besides trying to clear up where I stand and what I believe. I'm still a kiss virgin. No big deal, I guess...at 22... (haha). But anyways.
I once promised myself that I'd never be gay and that I'd never do this or that or the other. I once 'knew' the church was true. And then I realized things and I looked into the church more and found out things that saddened me and caused even more doubts. Sure, despite these things the church could STILL be 100% true. But, I just dont think it is 100% true, and I think that since they tout their horn about being the restored and absolute truth of truths- everything should add up. But it doesnt, which really concerns me.
You need to realize that complacency will not make you happy. You've been pretty unhappy for over a year- we both started blogging about the same time. And before then, who knows how long you were struggling as well. I will admit that you are in a tougher situation than I am. You're married and that means a lot. But you're married to someone who seems to believe that you can be something you're not. And she cuts you no breaks about it when it comes down to it (from what I read). And that I think is completely unfair to you. She was taught to believe one thing about gay people, and you as well. You should know better, and she should too- since she is married to you. She should believe you when you open up to her, instead of getting angry for your 'weaknesses'.
I’m here to decide, and therefore I have decided not to decide anymore. I’m happy with pain and dissolution. I’m happy with inconsistency, and I’m very free knowing that I don’t have to hope for a masculine smile or an embrace that was meant only for my body.
I dont understand this. Well, I do. But I no longer can say that I think you need to be in a situation like this. Do you see what you're saying? Youre happy with pain and dissolution?? No, elbow. You're not happy at all- and thats exactly the problem. Nobody is happy in such a situation- I wasn't, I was miserable that way. But I used to tell myself that I'd have to suffer through it and endure to the end and that I'd be ok living a miserable life...and all of that. But I just dont believe that anymore. I just dont believe that there could be any form of a loving God out there who would do this to his children. I don't believe it, period. Make them a certain way- tell them that they are loved unconditionally, and then place tons of contditions on how to obtain Gods love. And if I am making a huge mistake by going down this path, then so be it. I guess it was meant to be that way. And what kind of God would create a system where the majority of his children never return to his presence? The system, the whole thing never made sense to me. But I was raised with a very different line of thought, so I am/was open to more Ideas.
I dont even know what I'm saying. I'm just trying to empower you. To do SOMETHING. You must realize that even in Mormonism's strict and narrow world, there is forgiveness. But you need to find what makes you happy. I can say that I am now much happier than I used to be. The struggle is not fun. The fact that I'm just OK with being gay within my own little microcosm of ME makes all the difference. The fact that I dont believe that all the gay people in the world will roast in hell because they had sex, or because they loved each other and made a life together...it makes a difference. And its not a forced or self-deluded belief. I'm just saying that there is a way to feeling OK. There is a way to waking up in the morning and feeling good, fine, alright. Not feeling like you are carrying an anvil around, not feeling tired, not feeling depressed, not feeling alone, sad, frustrated, angry, jealous (of 'normalcy'), not feeling dead, but feeling alive instead. There is a way, but you have to find it. And you have to go after it. Laying around and wallowing brings more of the same. I urge you to stand up, Elbow.
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