Things have been going fairly well. There have been new developments in my life that have made me change gears a little. I will soon dedicate a post to what I mean by that, but for now I know that some of you who read this find it confusing that I can change ideas so quickly, but my experience with being a gay Mormon is just that…inconsistent and ever changing ideas, thoughts and desires. However, one thing that stays constant is the fact that I like men.
Sometimes I feel like I'm continuously giving myself pep talks, or that I talk myself into feeling good about where I am at in life, and other times I truly am content and satisfied with what life has given me. Back and forth is so exhausting, and yet on that same note, it can change to be rewarding as well…hence, change.
The frustrating thing about my human existence is that my heart recognizes one thing and my mind thinks another, and then as they both collide in a torture filled mismatch of emotions and ideas, a separate entity enters the mix.
The combination of heart, mind and body provide me with such confusion that I'm not sure I will truly know what to do with what has been allotted.
My heart has the desire to do good, my heart wants to be focused on my Heavenly Father and on the spiritual. I sense power in knowing that there is an all-powerful being that is my "spiritual dad". He is perfect, He knows my every struggle and joy, He has blessed me and given me amazing opportunities for growth and happiness, and yet He is distant and sometimes void of any presence in my daily life. And in that same heart of mine, there is a longing to be loved by a prototype of a human god, a man that will hold and love me.
My mind is prideful and logical. I analyze and seek out meaning to the point of rumination. I am smart and I am quick. My mind senses that there is a way to put all of these random pieces together to make something work, so in comes the rationalizations and excuses. My mind fits pieces where there isn't space, and my mind chooses to believe what is sometimes not based in reality. My mind wants order and peace, and yet there is little to be found when the ever increasing drive for spiritual love and physical love don't have any compromise.
And then there is the carnal. It has space in both the heart and mind because that is where the process ends up, but it starts at a much more physical location.
My anxiety is what gets me lost. I can't focus and I become flustered and useless.
This process of sifting through lust and raw desire, is the thing by which I must learn how to balance the energies of my soul. While on this earth, I am dedicated to learning how to live with unbalance, when at the same time my spirit is striving for perfection, and my body is enticed by the world. Ultimately this has nothing to do with being gay, or Mormon. This is my tool to by which I have the opportunity to find enlightenment. Just as a Mother with post-partum depression experiences horrible feelings of darkness, and a disabled person lives in a body of undesirable confinement all his life, through the suffering comes choice. Choose to find meaning, or choose to give up.
I won't give up on this quest for knowledge and refinement. This balancing act of heart, mind and body will in the end give me peace. As my heart seeks the Lord, and my body seeks a release, I have no choice but to recognize that while the flesh is weak, the spirit has the capacity to fly.