The words "I'm never going to be ok" keeps running through my head, which is ridiculous because I know I'm going to be ok, I mean, I am ok. It just feels uncomfortable right now.
But looking on the brightside, I see that there are major blessings in my life right now, the post that johngalt wrote is amazing to me. I look at his struggles, and I have come to realize even more, that this life is hard. Whether it is meant to be or not, being on earth and surviving is hard. And then to add on top of it, the struggle of following the Lord and searching for His blessings, it almost looks insurmountable. But the joy that johngalt speaks of and the peace that he longs for is real.
I've said this before, but this life isn't about following your own path and being an individual. As hard as people may think it is, it's not a challenge to "be yourself", any more than it is a challenge to "not be yourself", what is hard and challenging and worthwhile, is handing over your life to the Lord. This sounds crazy even to me. Earth life, and human existence boils down to one purpose…the Lords. The perspective that I want to have is an eternal one with eternal rewards.
It's time for me to stop writing about what I want and telling myself what I think I should do, and it's time to actually perform the action…the action of following the Lord. I can say how much I want to love the Lord, how much I want to serve Him and follow Him, but to the truest sense I want to be surrounded by as much good as I can, and in order to do that I have to be and embody what it means to be good. Not in a fake way, or even a hopeful way, but in a way that is sincere and searching.
I don't want to just speak about what I feel is right, I want to actually do what I feel is right.