Elbow: August 2006

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


I was feeling very sexual yesterday, and instead of asking my wife to participate in my sexual release, I engaged in pornography viewing and let my hand perform the necessary arrangements. From that moment I felt a little disgusted at myself because I have been trying to stop the enticing practice. I don't want it in my life and I need to have control over it so that I am able to take my mind off of that kind of sexual energy.

The words "I'm never going to be ok" keeps running through my head, which is ridiculous because I know I'm going to be ok, I mean, I am ok. It just feels uncomfortable right now.

But looking on the brightside, I see that there are major blessings in my life right now, the post that johngalt wrote is amazing to me. I look at his struggles, and I have come to realize even more, that this life is hard. Whether it is meant to be or not, being on earth and surviving is hard. And then to add on top of it, the struggle of following the Lord and searching for His blessings, it almost looks insurmountable. But the joy that johngalt speaks of and the peace that he longs for is real.

I've said this before, but this life isn't about following your own path and being an individual. As hard as people may think it is, it's not a challenge to "be yourself", any more than it is a challenge to "not be yourself", what is hard and challenging and worthwhile, is handing over your life to the Lord. This sounds crazy even to me. Earth life, and human existence boils down to one purpose…the Lords. The perspective that I want to have is an eternal one with eternal rewards.

It's time for me to stop writing about what I want and telling myself what I think I should do, and it's time to actually perform the action…the action of following the Lord. I can say how much I want to love the Lord, how much I want to serve Him and follow Him, but to the truest sense I want to be surrounded by as much good as I can, and in order to do that I have to be and embody what it means to be good. Not in a fake way, or even a hopeful way, but in a way that is sincere and searching.

I don't want to just speak about what I feel is right, I want to actually do what I feel is right.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


I love my wife so much. She's the best person I know. She is more than exquisite and graceful. She is kind and her heart is good to the core. She shouldn't be with someone as messed up as I am.

When I first started this blog I was contemplating the feelings that I was going through as someone who suffers from homosexual tendencies but is completely attracted to his wife. Now the tables have turned and I'm inspecting the ways in which my wife doesn't have to suffer as much as she does because of my weaknesses. Will this all be over when we die? Will we have the perfect world and existence after mortality has ended? I can hardly believe that I will make it through this year, let alone the passing into eternity.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Oh Say What Is Truth

I have no idea how to make a claim on truth, or to tell how one can gain an unequivocal certainty of something. It's hard to even say what my feelings are from one minute to the next, let alone which view point God what wants the gay Mormons of the world to do.

I'm certain though that the Lord doesn't just shrug His shoulders and nod as we go with the flow of life.

The ongoing process of beginning a new path is becoming so life changing that in all effects, I am always going to be "starting something new". The Lord in all is wisdom is not just a powerful being of strength and love, but He is a Father, He is my Father, and yours. He loves to no end, and He is knowledgeable without flaws.

I am conscious of the idea that the Lord knows better than I know. I am aware that I have a much more limited scope of what it means to overcome, and what it means to love, and how one can be truly happy.

I feel an extreme amount of guilt for having these homosexual feelings. In all my searching for truth, I have found little pieces of certainties that make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile and important with the time that I have here on the earth.

I want progress and I want light. I want truth, and I want a confirmation of that truth. But in the end I somehow know that life isn't about getting everything I want. Life is about the journey, it's about trying for what's right, striving and living my life so that I can say that I did everything I could to bring myself closer to my Heavenly Father.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


I'm kind of sad right now. I want to do what's right, and I want to be happy. I try to do what I feel in my heart is the best thing for me.

I want to be a father. I want to have children with my wife who I love. I want to be a dad, and to live a life that isn't focused on baser things, but that is about the progress of my soul, and the service that I render my fellow man. Call me idealistic, but I think it's possible.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Women = Peace

Maybe I am bisexual. Thinking about bisexuality reminds me that sexuality is fluid, and that no matter what box you place it in…sex is still sex.

I love having sex with my wife, and I feel really great before, during and after. I've never really looked at a picture of a naked girl and experienced a ragging hard-on, but I have been very curious to see what a naked girl looks like. I think vaginas are beautiful, and I breasts are really fun. So if this isn't confusing enough, I like men, I look at a guy, clothes or no clothes, .

When I was young I stumbled on some playboy magazines. Seeing a naked woman made me feel guilty for looking at the magazine. For me, women equal peace. I don't know what it means, but that's the way my brain works. And because I have a sexual relationship with my wife, and since we've been sexually active our whole marriage, when I start to get intimate with my wife, she then equals sex in those moments.