Elbow: January 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Can't Get It Up

My life seems so different right now. I’m seeing myself in different ways, and I’m looking at the world is a slightly different color. I’m not sure where this change has come from, but as of the last omission, I have not involved myself with p&m. It feels good to have walked away from such a difficult addiction, yet I see that I still suffer from its captivating choke hold. I feel like I might relapse anytime now. But at least I’m aware, and present with the fact that I struggle and I am weak in this area. Perhaps someday it will become my strength. Until then, I’ll try to lean on the Lord and have Him help me with this daunting task of spiritual cleanliness.

Slowly I see myself progressing in ways that I never thought I could actually attain. I have now mastered a 6-pack. I have never had this definition in my abdomen in my life, but as of late I have been working hard to achieve the physical form that I would like. I still have a long way to go, but I’m beginning to be even prouder of the way I look.

Mentally I have been turning off the TV and focusing on reading and creative endeavors. I feel a lot more solid now that I have been able to rely on myself for entertainment, rather than the TV or movies. I haven’t seen a movie in a long time, and I like it. I like not sitting down for two hours to only feel a little bit of entertainment. Now I am active and constantly stimulated by my own accomplishments. I guess that sounds a little narcissistic of me, but I like.

And then there’s the issue of my marriage. My wonderful marriage to my seriously incredible wife; she’s stunning and she is everything that I have ever wanted in the woman of my dreams (not to mention, she has a 6-pack too). And yet I can’t get an erection. I can’t get the unit up. It’s frustrating and it’s more than embarrassing. She of course knows that I am attracted to the male persuasion, but not being able to get it up has never been a problem. I’ve mostly been able to get it up, but lately it’s just not interested at all. I’m only 28 for f*** sake! I’ll be 29 next month, maybe that has something to do with it, but a sexless marriage is still good, but it’s definitely incomplete.

I still feel like there are days that I just want to throw in the towel and say goodbye to the whole married-to-a-woman thing. But I feel that my progression on the earth is best suited for me to be with a woman.

All I’ve ever wanted was to have kids. To love my own offspring and raise a little boy that looks like me and to hold a little girl that has my same genetic makeup. None of that can happen if my impotence continues, and my homosexuality gets in the way of my marriage. That last sentence is funny. With laughing fingers I write again: “my homosexuality gets in the way of my marriage.” Remember that one.