Elbow: At This Juncture

Sunday, June 15, 2008

At This Juncture

I use to blog all the time. I was like a crazy person trying to rid my angst onto a computer screen with the intention of spilling all my emotions out into the cyber world so that I would not be haunted by the mix of gritty dark feelings. I loved this outlet and the ability to write and post and share and collaborate ideals. I was really connected and truly inspired by stories and friendships of other bloggers. And I felt at one with the identity of a 'gay mormon.' And here I am a year latter from a divorce that seems miles away, I am in a different country with odd surroundings and beautiful vistas. I'm entertained by my lightweight persona and feel so blissfully aware of the state I am in. And now without any of the angst and sharp pains of guilt and shame I am here...STILL BLOGGING ABOUT IT!

Interestingly enough I guess I still need to comment on how far I've come. I truly feel like a completely new person and at the same instant I know myself to be true to the ideals that I've been clinging to my whole life: the pursuit of love and the state of being. I'm aware that challenges are still part of my existence, but now I see so much further than the confines of what a religion has to say. I'm open to the universe and the expansive presence of a Heavenly Father without limits. I'm loved because I am. I am full and whole because I am. And that presence and awareness makes my heart sing and tingle and overflow with love.

And at this juncture I struggle with what to say as a voice in this community of saints who are looking for that peace, or who are just looking for a connection with others who are in the same experience as they are. I wonder how many of the gay mormon bloggers have come to this conclusion of "what do I do next? Now that I am happy, now that I am no longer torn by the ideals of oppression, and now that I see myself for what God sees?" I am still here wanting to share a journey. Not a journey of lust or of confusion, not a journey of uncertainty or carelessness, but of presence and awareness.

I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for the strength that I have to be where I am at. I am so blessed to have the life that I have and to know and welcome freedom from guilt and shame. I am, and I am and I am.

The world is so great and vast and wonderful. It is a blessing to be in it and to live.


Blogger J G-W said...

On every journey, the vista changes only slowly. By the time you are used to the "new you," you will be a different new you. What gives you peace now may eventually not be enough; you'll be looking longingly at that next bend...

But the changes are obvious. I'm glad things are getting better than when I first started reading your blog.

9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that you said "I am loved because I am." So many times in the past year I felt that I haven't been loved (I haven't allowed myself to love and I haven't felt love for myself as a complete individual. I am now coming to the point in my journey where I know I am loved by God and this love allows me to love myself as I am. Thanks for your blog and good luck in your journey.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Whether you come to a resolution of who you are to the point that blogging is superfluous, I hope you continue to blog just the same. As JGW notes, the journey is always changing and there will be new challenges and new resolutions of you "you are".

Your story continues to fascinate me and I pray peace to be with you.

6:02 AM  
Blogger Forester said...

Elbow, I love you. I'm glad that I've had the opportunity to know you through your blogs. You are a good man - don't ever forget that. I've felt your pain, your struggles, your joys and triumphs. I am blessed to know you. I wish I would have taken the opportunity to see you when you were here in Vegas. I hope that you come back soon.

11:53 PM  

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