Free From Indecision
After about two years of turmoil and complete and ridiculous internal conflict, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to be married. I think my wife is amazing, I know that she would make any straight guy drool. But I can’t help it if my body doesn’t respond to her in that way. I know this may sound gross to some of you, but subconsciously I feel and think of my wife in the same way that I think of my sister or mostly my mother. There’s just not a lot of romance there, just really strong ties of familial love.
Maybe that’s normal. I don’t know. And for the longest time I’ve felt guilty about that, but I can’t help it. I don’t chose where my subconscious thoughts go. Before I know it I’ll have a Freudian slip and refer to my wife as my sister, or have a childhood memory and can’t remember if it was my mom or my wife who cooked dinner when I was five.
I’ve come to accept that there are things I can’t control. No matter how much I try, I can’t make my penis stand up for something it doesn’t feel. I can’t make my heart long for something that it doesn’t understand. And more importantly, I just don’t like being married. I don’t like the arrangement and the expectations, and is it fair to my wife to just stay married to her because “she’s worth it?” Because she is worth it, and she is amazing, but if I don’t feel it then what’s the point? Maybe I’m a bad person for feeling this way, but I can’t feel guilty about that anymore.
I’m happy. I’m content, and I’m overjoyed that I have come to a final chapter in this decision making process. So, I have the decision made and I feel good about it. Now the next step is the hardest part – talking to my wife about it.
I know it needs to be done. I’m just afraid that I’ll find myself on a cargo plane headed to Mozambique before I can actually muster up a backbone to let her know what I’m feeling. How do you tell your sister that you want to break up with her? How do you tell your mom that you think you guys should get a divorce? Awkward.