E L B O W
Elbow: I Ache To Know

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I Ache To Know

Someone: “Just hang in there.”

Elbow: “No.”

I prayed last night to see. I just wanted to know.
I prayed to see how I would feel if I got a divorce from my wife.
That spirit feeling came to my heart as it does when I ask if the Book of Mormon is true or when I think about the veracity of the Church. No intellect was attached to this feeling. I took it as God was saying that it was ok to get a divorce. At the very least, he’s letting me know that he’s there.

It’s pretty much more confusing than I ever thought it could be.
I ask if I should get a divorce and I feel the spirit…

I feel so close to something. I can’t grasp it, but I feel it and it’s real. I know that soon there will be a palpable decision made.

Everyday I confront my fears just a little bit more, and I think I’m making progress. I’ve been visualizing my feelings of distress and managing to conceptually feel my way out of their grasp. I’m seeing solutions that I haven’t had the courage to confront.

I ache to know.

I really want to have a letter telling me the steps to take. I need some concrete evidence that what I feel is right and good. But I don’t think that evidence exists.

I’m hanging by precept and concept. Where is “there?”

I want to blow something down. I feel really destructive right now.

I can’t hang on anymore.

I think it’s time to let go.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Foxx said...

I ache to know.

I need some concrete evidence that what I feel is right and good. But I don’t think that evidence exists.


The answers are inside of you, in your heart and in your soul.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Distinguishing Preoccupation said...

That, my friend, was a brave post. I feel the same way, only not married. I have prayed to know if I should pursue a gay lifestyle and I have felt at peace with the answer. I talked to my parents about it all and now they have basically given me the green light. So, what is holding me back? Just not knowing how to proceed. But I follow my heart and I listen to God and I know that if I do that, I will indeed be happy.

-Cas

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for saying what a lot of us wish we could say. There are so many questions I have for you after reading your posts because I am just starting this "journey" as others call it being a gay Mormon. Oh and the fact that I'm an RM has put a huge twist on it according to the LDS family services counselors. One of these days I'll leave a comment with a link to my blog so I can get some advice from you. Until then keep up the blogging I feel like someone understands when I read what you have to say.

1:07 PM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

So are you taking these crazy, moody pictures?

9:10 PM  
Anonymous j said...

One of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had was one in the Celestial Room of the St. George temple. I was concerned about finding a wife, getting married and starting a family. I felt the strongest confirmation that I wouldn't be getting married, that I was gay, that God loved me and that he understood. That answer didn't make sense to me, but it felt right. I allowed myself to be open to more than one right answer. Who was I to say that there could only be one way for me to be happy? I stopped trying to force something that had never felt right and allowed myself to be open to all kinds of possibilities. The road hasn't always been an easy one, but every day I'm happier and more self-aware than the day before. It all started from being spiritually in tune and accepting an answer that contradicted the things I had learned all my life. Every day I'm grateful for that experience.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want a divorce but I'm scared. My wife is frigid. I try to avoid it but I keep going to my friends house for sex sessions. He has a huge member and I can't get enough of it. Maybe I can keep up the charade. My wife is otherwise wonderful and my sexual needs are completely satisfied thru my friend. He likes it how I dress like a girl. Is this ok?

1:31 PM  

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