And The Next Move Is...
I wrote the following to Beck in an email earlier today:"I don’t know if I’m going crazy, or if this is actually happening. I had lunch with him today. His name is (we'll call him) Bryan. It was a nice and friendly conversation. We discussed normal everyday things, and my passion isn’t heightened, but my interest in him is. I wrote him an email saying that I wanted to kiss him. He is reciprocating, and I’m just letting it happen and I’m not feeling guilty, and I’m not worried about the consequences. I just feel somewhat free, but at the same time I feel like I know that I won’t do anything, and that he’s not going to do anything that would put either of us in jeopardy.
He’s sweet and smart and we connect intellectually in very similar ways. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I’m thinking that things will just die down and that the passion will only come out through the emails that we write each other. His body is so cute. He’s a little shorter than I am and he’s just thin and athletic and has amazing hands. Am I in this too much? Am I out of control? I don’t feel out of control. I just feel calm and relaxed.
Maybe I’m way in over my head. Maybe I’m too immature to realize what I’m doing. He’d kiss me if I asked him to. He’d do anything I wanted. I’m just not sure why I’m pursuing this. I want this intimacy with him, I don’t want the sex. I don’t want to get an erection, it just happens. Why?
I feel like I’ve questioned my sexuality and my position so much that my mind is just unable to process it. I am who I am and I’m trying to be better, and I’m trying to be happy and the two worlds collided in the past and I feel like I’m just going to let them crash together because it is unavoidable in delaying it.
I love my wife, but she doesn’t want to be with me, she just thinks she does. She thinks that I am someone I’m not. I feel like it would be ok if I were to end our relationship now. I feel like it’s close to the end.
Maybe I am crazy. This guys not the perfect man for me. He’s not even Mr. Wonderful, he’s just Mr. Interesting and Erotic. Are you rolling you eyes at me thinking what a waste I am?"
posted by elbow at 3:36 PM
8 Comments:
If you have to ask if you're in over your head, I think you have your answer. Like I said before, step back, clear your head, weigh your options, and make your decision. Don't let the moment push you to decisions that you don't necessarily want to make.
And if you don't want opinions, turn off commentability.
Elbow - no matter what decisions you make, there are many of us who will always be here for you. To listen, to give advice, to just understand. There are many of us who don't want you to give in to temptation. We want you to make righteous decisions, based on your relationship with God and the savior. But, we can't make your decisions for you. Free agency is the greatest gift we have. I don't think you are in over your head. You are intelligent, well spoken and well versed in the gospel as well as in life.
About two years ago, I was in the same situation you are in now. I met a great looking guy, gave him my number and he called me. We had lunch and began hanging out together. He was just great to talk to and I really needed that. We ended up falling in love, and are still much in love today. One day, early in our relationship, he wanted to borrow a shirt from me so he didn't have to go back home to change. This was the first time I saw him take his clothes off. His chest was smooth, somewhat muscular. Skinny and smaller than me. I told him that I was very attracted to him and told him that I wanted to touch his chest. But, he's not gay. This would have been my first time "being" with another guy. I was so blessed that he would not let me advance, and that he was not offended. So now, I have a very close friend, we spend a lot of time together. But no sex.
I'm only telling you this because I know and understand your need to have a close relationship with a man that you are attracted to. He and I love each other on a level that most men can't accomplish. But, I have been blessed in that I don't have to worry about giving in to the flesh. Do I sometimes wish I could kiss him and be closer? Of course. But I also know that I don't really want that. Deep down inside, that's not what I want. I want a family. I want to stay with my wife. I want to be able to go to the temple, the most incredible place on the earth. The only place on the earth that is so close to heaven, where the veil is so thin. This is true happiness. It's a happiness that is hard earned, but one that is lasting.
"Don't let the moment push you to decisions that you don't necessarily want to make."
Can you imagine a straight man making that comment? That's the thing about being straight. Your sexuality doesn't demand such convoluted logic. It just is. There is very little doubt and no conflict. You either are interested in somebody emotionally and physically or you're not.
The thing about being gay is getting past the fact that you aren't straight and getting to the same place where you can just be, but as a gay man. Not worse, not wrong, just gay. Maybe you are emerging here. Somebody who's authentic in body, heart and mind, not just a collection of other people's thoughts.
Good luck and listen to yourself. After all it was given to you as your life. And the only thing you owe is to honour that gift.
I just read Chris' comment. And he reminded me the other thing about being authentic. It involves honesty, with yourself and others. He's very wise when he counsels you not to cheat.
"Can you imagine a straight man making that comment?"
I'm sorry, Ian, but I don't know what planet you live on. Yes, I can imagine it. My brother-in-law asked himself that before he was about to cheat on my sister-in-law and changed his mind. I can imagine someone in a committed relationship asking whether or not they want to destroy the trust of their loved one for the sexual/physical/emotional interest in someone else.
I'm sorry if you decided to read my comments as a snooty-Mormon calling to repentance. I'm calling Elbow to reason, to step back from the hormones for a minute and ask himself what he _really_ wants out of the situation, and then to make his decision. As it's his life, he decides to continue in his hetero marriage or pursue a relationship. I'm not judging his choice. I'm asking him to step back and make one, and not let hormones take run of the roost. If he were straight, I would advise just the same.
Elbow
Wouldn't it be nice if we could neatly tie up situations in life before moving on? I can pretty much guarantee that you're going to cheat on your wife before you leave her, you'll hurt her and yourself but you'll both be able to move on from the dishonest place that you're both currently inhabiting. Good luck, and God speed.
I can’t help myself. Elbow, while it may seem likely, don’t let anonymous’ prediction come true.
If you can come to the place where you know there’s nothing morally wrong with following your orientation, and you want to do that, then “do it honestly” as Chris wrote. On top of that, if you do want to eventually have a family, the precedence of a guy who’d cheat on his partner with you, just doesn’t bode well for you. This is, all around, a dangerous situation.
In reading your posts, maybe the problem is that you’ve so much associated being gay with sex and heterosexuality with family that those are your two worlds? Each time I’ve seen those two worlds collide a lot of sorrow follows, but it’s not one or the other. Though being gay makes for more work, you can comfortably and safely merge those desires into one home, if you want and if you know it’s morally okay.
I get there may be other desires in play, though. But even if it’s, for some reason, important to you to only raise children genetically related to you, that’s still a possibility. What you do give up is ease of creating a family and political standing. If you don’t want to give such up and can’t find gay life to be conductible morally, then I hope you can cut contact off with this guy and keep your marriage intact.
Eh, I’m being preachy (it’s early in the day ;-)); you do cause a guy to worry, though.
OH MAN! It's simple if you ask me. You are who you are, and you can't change it. God made you gay; it's not wrong; you shouldn't be married to a woman. Why do you torture yourself? WHY? WHY?
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