Elbow: Feelin' Good

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Feelin' Good

I’m 28, soon to be 29 years old. I’ve never really had regrets, only just a lot of questions. I’m getting to the point where I’m looking back at my life, and certain parts start to appear farther and farther away. Soon I’ll be older than I originally planed, and I’ll still be asking myself the same questions.

It sometimes gets exhausting to keep feeling like I have to be exploring my emotions, and intentions all of the time. People generally live to be around 80 years old. And if you ask me, that’s long enough. Some people want to live forever, but I think at some point all of us yearn for this life experience to be over. No matter what position you’re in, no matter what you’re doing, there’s always a piece of myself that feels like it can’t wait to end this struggle of earthly survival. The choices I make, and the intuition I hold are very useful to me as I strive to grow spiritually, but being gay and constantly wondering if the universe is really ok with the same-sex relationship is just beyond me.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I know that I am a child of God and that there really truly is a Heavenly Family that I am apart of, but I don’t know that my desires for men are wrong, I don’t know if being attracted to a man is merely just a struggle/temptation, or an actual tool that I should be using on my path to spiritual development.

I long for the day when I don’t have to worry about it.

Things are getting better with me. I’m feeling less and less tied to masturbation and pornography. I’ve been able to cut it out. I still have desires for it every now and again, but I’m not tied to it. It’s a good feeling to regain that power that I once lost to the addiction of staring at naked men. Gay sex is addicting. It’s more than just an attraction, it’s like an unquenchable thirst that continually gnaws at m like it will never be satisfied. I feel like since I’ve stopped looking at porn and have subsequently stopped masturbating, that I’ve been able to feel more in control, and to feel more at peace with myself.


Blogger Thrasius said...

I agree with what you said here. I remember recently making the concscious decision to not live a gay lifestyle. I decided that I would live my life in the church, keep all of the commandments, and make the most of my happiness. Once the definitive decision was done, I thought my struggle was over...then I have come to find out that it comes up day after day after day, and I am forced daily to redecide an issue that I thought was done. It takes a lot of energy to keep doing this day after day, but I guess this is just an important part of becoming more like God.

1:20 PM  
Blogger SG said...

The older I get, the less I think I want to live to be 100. Then again, I want to live long enough to see my children grow up. And I've heard grandchildren are a whole lot of fun, too.

I've also figured out that the desire for M and P diminish with age, too.

Maybe getting older one day at a time isn't so bad after all, if it really makes a few things in life easier.

Love you, man!

1:36 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Gay sex is addicting.

Not if you're straight.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

"...things are getting better with me..."

I'm so glad to hear it! You deserve it! Your search for inner peace is a long time coming! Keep it "up". :)

6:24 AM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Thanks for your comment, and for visiting my blog. I love hearing from you, and following your life. And encouragement (a typical Elbow gift) is always so welcome.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Kengo Biddles said...

Chris, I don't know if you meant your comment as funny, but if it was, I did laugh. :)

11:35 AM  

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