Feelin' Good

I’m 28, soon to be 29 years old. I’ve never really had regrets, only just a lot of questions. I’m getting to the point where I’m looking back at my life, and certain parts start to appear farther and farther away. Soon I’ll be older than I originally planed, and I’ll still be asking myself the same questions.

It sometimes gets exhausting to keep feeling like I have to be exploring my emotions, and intentions all of the time. People generally live to be around 80 years old. And if you ask me, that’s long enough. Some people want to live forever, but I think at some point all of us yearn for this life experience to be over. No matter what position you’re in, no matter what you’re doing, there’s always a piece of myself that feels like it can’t wait to end this struggle of earthly survival. The choices I make, and the intuition I hold are very useful to me as I strive to grow spiritually, but being gay and constantly wondering if the universe is really ok with the same-sex relationship is just beyond me.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me, I know that I am a child of God and that there really truly is a Heavenly Family that I am apart of, but I don’t know that my desires for men are wrong, I don’t know if being attracted to a man is merely just a struggle/temptation, or an actual tool that I should be using on my path to spiritual development.

I long for the day when I don’t have to worry about it.

Things are getting better with me. I’m feeling less and less tied to masturbation and pornography. I’ve been able to cut it out. I still have desires for it every now and again, but I’m not tied to it. It’s a good feeling to regain that power that I once lost to the addiction of staring at naked men. Gay sex is addicting. It’s more than just an attraction, it’s like an unquenchable thirst that continually gnaws at m like it will never be satisfied. I feel like since I’ve stopped looking at porn and have subsequently stopped masturbating, that I’ve been able to feel more in control, and to feel more at peace with myself.