Elbow: My Drug Of Choice

Friday, December 01, 2006

My Drug Of Choice

I’m really disconnected to myself. I honestly can’t tell you what I’m feeling right now. I’m physically hungry, but other than that I don’t have any emotions. Maybe that’s good.

I have been really awkward with my porn and masturbation fix, I am feeling more and more like an addict. I do get a high from seeing it and releasing from it. It’s crazy that my body responds so quickly to the activity of just looking at a photo.

I’m very aware that my life is not my own. I look at my life and I say to myself: “hey, that’s a cool life. It looks pretty and it looks fun. And then I look inside myself and I don’t see the same life, I don’t see the same person.

Duality sucks because you can only be one person at a time. Duality is useful because it creates a feeling of control. I’m getting really good at hiding and pretending. I should be a 007, I loved that movie by the way. Daniel Craig is mucho hoto! He’s just a very masculine guy, with an amazing body.

I guess I do feel something, I feel lust. It’s good to know that I can always come back to lust. My old friend lust will never let me down. Even in my most of numb times I still feel that push toward its release.

I feel high right now, but I’m not. Maybe because I just masturbated I’m feeling the high. Monetarily, this is a really inexpensive addiction (that’s the bright side).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you washed your hands before you typed your post! :)

Seriously thought, I sent you an email the other day, did you get it?

4:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Elbow

I'm new to this LDS-SSA blog world and I like it. I identify with your porn fixation. So much quantity and variety that there's an overwhelming draw. Though the pleasure is undeniable I've rarely ever felt up-beat after mast. to airbrushed anatomy pics, just hollow.

Not wanting porn to rule my waking thoughts and dominate my dreams at night I have developed a few techniques to help me cope.

First, masterbating on a regular basis without the aid of porn. I really try to focus on the act
itself and maximize the pleasure of the experience without mentally associating it with men. The draw of porn throughout the day diminishes for me as my sexual energy is already been spent.

I don't feel so deadened after masterbating pornless, as I do when porn is involved. I guess it depends if you work that way or not.

My second suggestion, which I use in tandem with the compulsory mast. is fixation shift from the fantasy of anatomy to the fantasy of a emotionality.

I love the idea of cherishing and being cherished by "the perfect man" but as that isn't really an option in my reality porn became the only refuge for my SSA. In my first experiences with porn it all aroused me; every body-type, every fetish, every genre. But after a few months I began to discriminate and develop preferences. I know now that I only really like nude, vintage, muscle, (either artistically posed or candid) in homoerotic but non-sexual contexts.

That said, I would have a difficult time avoiding the lure of my preferred porn if not for my budding (fantasy-based) exploration of what it would be like if I had my male soul-mate with me and everything were still right with the world.

I facilitate my fantasy by down loading innocuous images of my favorite actors and performing artists. (I would say they're the same kind of pictures my little sister would cut out of her magazines of teen heart-throbs). Let these men that you feel even a marginal emotion attraction for a as fan (and they should be hot, by the way) become the template for your ideal albeit imaginary relationship. This may require more imagination than most people care to demnostrate but i've always been a head-case.

The idea is to generate as best i can a sexual image of myself that doesn't repulse my spiritual side.

The rabid carnality and hedonism connected with the predominant gay culture is not something I could keep up with for long. I would get hurt and frustrated because deep down I want a commited, monogomous, emotionally fullfilling relationship and not just a string of sex partners.

I hope you find the help you desire even if your desire for sexual release currently feels stronger. Strive to live as joyously as you can.
-a friend

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think it's important to associate the male body with something other than auto-sex.

for example, hot nude yoga has dvd's that like any yoga dvd's show a class going through yoga poses. in this case the class is all men and all naked. though not gym rats, they have good bodies, but when using these dvd's for a yoga practice, sex is far away. the body, theirs and mine is appreciated for itself not as a means for sexual gratification.

7:28 PM  

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