Elbow: Destination: Anywhere But Here

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Destination: Anywhere But Here

Buses look attractive, any airplane I spot looks inviting and when I look at a car on an open highway driving off into the sunset I salivate. Why do I always have this feeling like I want to run away? I’m in this constant struggle to keep myself from buying plane ticket to the Canary Islands or to Cozumel and just leaving without telling anyone.

I called my older brother yesterday and talked with him about my desires to leave my current surroundings. He knows I’m gay, in fact he was one of the first people I told back when I was at BYU. What he doesn’t know is that I’m having a particularly hard time lately with…life. Not a hard time with marriage or homosexuality or attractions or gay Mormon paradigms, but good old fashioned “Life.” Not the cereal, not the board game, but the thing that we are going through right now. What the f is life? I don’t get it. I look at where I am, where I’m sitting, and what my current state of living is and it doesn’t make sense to me. Looking up at the sky, staring into an old woman’s face and watching people try bounce back and forth from people to people in order to find a place in the world all brings me back to one conclusion: that we don’t know what the hell we’re doing.

So as I’m talking with my brother he gives me some good feedback and I listen and he talks and I talk and he listens, and then I realize that I’m hurting just a little bit more today than I was yesterday. And then I get scared because I think back to when I was at BYU and I started this gay Mormon journey and the pain started to hurt and sting a little and now it has become a cancer that is covered my whole body. And each day brings just a little more pain with it.

Don’t be surprised if I stop writing and you never hear from me again. Just assume that I left for a deserted island and I’ve runaway…


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I notice that you say that you don't want to cheat on your wife because you're committed to her. on paper only it would seem. Your daydreams, dreams, email relationships, this blog are all behind her back, sex would just be another aspect of how you continue to cheat on her. I'm not damning it for you, just hoping you'll recognise reality.

As to only wanting to be intimate with boys with testimonies - that's going from one pickle to another.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Mormon Enigma said...

Just assume that I left for a deserted island and I’ve runaway…

Please take me with you. Or would that defeat the point?

Seriously, I truly understand how you feel having felt something similar in the past. In fact, I was starting to give serious consideration to just checking out completely. That's when I started taking antidepressants which help me cope.

12:25 PM  
Blogger MoHoHawaii said...

I want to come, too, and I've been out for ages.

This reminds me of a joke.

Q: What did the co-dependent say to his spouse?

A: If you ever leave me, can I come too?

I disagree with anonymous about your blog. I think blogging a good way for you to explore your feelings and get feedback from others. Your blog harms no one.

If you are in crisis, get some support from someone you trust. A therapist, a friend, someone. When I came out, my life hit a crisis point, too, so I know what this is like. Take a deep breath and get through it. Humor helps, if you can muster any.

Sincerest and best regards.

2:54 PM  
Blogger MoHoHawaii said...

P.S. Most islands have Wi-Fi Internet connections. You could still update your blog.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Kuai'i is great! Ke'e Beach and the Na Pali Coast are where I'd go!:)

3:25 PM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

Even deserted islands have wi-fi nowdays.

So take a laptop, you loon. ;)

9:57 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

Actually, maybe a nice getaway is exactly what you need. Maybe you could plan a trip, with or without your wife. Make it a time for reflection and renewal. Your problems won't be solved in one week of vacation, but it could give you a chance to reconnect with yourself and/or your wife.

This just made me think of that movie "The Holiday". Funny film.

My wife and I try to get away together once in a while. We also recognize the need for going places far away without each other. A few years ago my wife went on a cruise with her sister.
Then I went to South America with a former mission companion.

10:46 PM  
Blogger pinetree said...

I'm with forester. Leave.

Reevaluate. Read your scriptures. Pray. Go to a gay bar. Hook up if that thought is killing you. Go to church someplace where no one knows you. Just do something and draw those lines again. Decide what you want out of life and what you want to do. Quit blogging for a while and write in your journal.

My friend Veronica (who has done her share of running from problems) says "Turning over a new leaf isn't as easy as turning over a car engine." Maybe she's right, but I think you have to step back once in a while so that you can see the mess you were in clearly and figure out what to do about it. I'm doing something like that up in Alaska this summer. I think it will be healthy.


11:39 PM  
Blogger drex said...

Everyone's capacity for coping with problems is different, I've found. Some people benefit a lot from running away for a while, getting some different perspective on what they're going through, and reasoning things out for themselves from a more 'safe' (ie not as involved) vantage point. I personally cope better by doing self-evaluation, introspection, and lots of silent thinking. Putting things down in a journal or blog helps me process what I'm going through and how I think I should best deal with it.

I don't disagree with everyone who says you should get away for a while, but I do think you should evaluate what method of progression will work best for you, because if running away won't get you anywhere, why go? If it will exacerbate your problems, why do it? Figure out what you need to do to jump this mountain that's been flung in your path, then look at things that way. If that means you have to take a vacation for a while, so be it. If it means you have to go stay at a friend's or family member's house, great. Whatever is going to work best for you.

11:37 AM  
Blogger SG said...

Elbow, buddy.

You can do it! It's hard, I know. It IS good to get away, maybe just for a day or two, maybe with or without your wife. Maybe it's literally being away, or maybe it's just being away from work and your current responsibilities. It's good to be away from thinking about the things that are so troubling. Just change your surroundings somehow.

If you're considering harming yourself or permanently checking out or running away, then keep talking to your brother or to one of us, or all of us, and to your wife, or to a close friend nearby; to do so would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

You're a strong person, but you don't need to do this alone. You know me - you know I make it because I have some help through a marvelous support system with my family and friends, and I have some marvelous medications. Maybe some or all of those deserve some consideration.

And most of all, you can rely on the one person who is always there, no matter what you do or think or where you are: the Savior. Even if you don't believe in yourself, or even in Him right now, He's there. Just remember how you felt when you were strong and were madly in love with your wife and wanted to be a father. Those are all still within your reach. Just reach out to Him - He'll help you achieve all those things. In the meantime, we're here to help hold you up.

2:10 PM  

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