Elbow: Winning Like A Looser

Friday, March 09, 2007

Winning Like A Looser

After a lot of overtly sexual and flirtatious emails, which included some fantasy narratives and the disclosure of homoerotic mental images including what we would like to do to each other and so on and so forth, Bryan wrote me the following email today:

"Elbow- This must be quite confusing for you -- well, it is for me! I am completely fine with tea, lunch, hugs, and occasional hand grasps. You're married, and an honest person, so I don't want you to do anything that would leave you feeling unfaithful or hurt. Also, I don't want youto hurt anyone else. This is hard for me to write because I believe we should do what our drives pull us to do. By doing whatever, I mean we should do what isn't going to be hurtful. We have to consider how we will affect others. Let's get together again soon. Have a great weekend. Keep me in your thoughts--the kind that involve fantasy. I'll do the same! -Bryan"

I'm feeling so "whatever," passive about this whole situation now, that I'm both glad and relieved that he wrote this. But at the same time, it makes me attracted to him even more. I’m just really uncertain about EVERYTHING in my life right now that I’m really close to just throwing my hands in the air and declaring that I’ve been defeated. The Church wins. My wife wins. Bryan wins. I win. I don’t know what I’m saying. Does anyone else understand what I’m saying? And at the same time, everybody looses because I can’t make and f-ing decision. Complacency is killing me!


Blogger Beck said...

"Does anyone else understand what I'm saying?"...

I hear you! I hear you loud and clear!

Sounds to me like he's saying about the same thing everyone else has been trying to tell you... Be wise in your choices and respect commitments and don't hurt people (including yourself) in the process.

It appears you have a great guy for a friend. :)

3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great guy? He's sending you mixed messages by asking you to fanatsize about him as he will you! You're going to dash yourselves on some rocks soon and once the storm is over you'll wonder why the hell you vacilated for so long.

3:56 AM  
Blogger Forester said...

Like Beck said, we know what you are going through. We are all in similar situations. Some of us have made it a little further down the path, and believe me, it's all worth it. You're a good man. You have heavenly hosts watching over you, pulling for you to make good choices. Things aren't as confusing as they may seem right now. Yes, there are many unanswered questions, but confusion comes from the adversary. Light, truth and clarity come from a loving God. Seek what your heart and mind know is good and right, listen with your spirit, not your body. There are moments that we can transcend this earthly existence and see a glimpse of eternity. Seek for those moments. These moments will bring truth and clarity to your mind and peace to your soul. As you already know, these moments come during prayer and supplication, scriptures, meditation and the temple. God is always willing to listen to your frustrations, pleadings or whatever they may be. He is no respecter of persons. He will listen to you. Don't hold anything back from Him. It's important that you have a relationship with Him that is separate from the church, from other people, from everything. Just you and Him. You are entitled to guidance and revelation from Him. I could go on telling you what you should do and think, but in the end, it's you that must decide, based on this connection and intimate relationship with your Father. There is no reason for us to go through this life alone, without eternal guidance. "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you."

10:07 PM  

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