E L B O W
Elbow: Free From Indecision

Friday, March 30, 2007

Free From Indecision

One thing I haven’t written about are the good feelings that I’ve since received after finally making a decision. Believe it or not folks… Elbow has come to the final chapter in his indecisiveness. He has made a choice and decided on a path. And that is unparalleled!

After about two years of turmoil and complete and ridiculous internal conflict, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to be married. I think my wife is amazing, I know that she would make any straight guy drool. But I can’t help it if my body doesn’t respond to her in that way. I know this may sound gross to some of you, but subconsciously I feel and think of my wife in the same way that I think of my sister or mostly my mother. There’s just not a lot of romance there, just really strong ties of familial love.

Maybe that’s normal. I don’t know. And for the longest time I’ve felt guilty about that, but I can’t help it. I don’t chose where my subconscious thoughts go. Before I know it I’ll have a Freudian slip and refer to my wife as my sister, or have a childhood memory and can’t remember if it was my mom or my wife who cooked dinner when I was five.

I’ve come to accept that there are things I can’t control. No matter how much I try, I can’t make my penis stand up for something it doesn’t feel. I can’t make my heart long for something that it doesn’t understand. And more importantly, I just don’t like being married. I don’t like the arrangement and the expectations, and is it fair to my wife to just stay married to her because “she’s worth it?” Because she is worth it, and she is amazing, but if I don’t feel it then what’s the point? Maybe I’m a bad person for feeling this way, but I can’t feel guilty about that anymore.

I’m happy. I’m content, and I’m overjoyed that I have come to a final chapter in this decision making process. So, I have the decision made and I feel good about it. Now the next step is the hardest part – talking to my wife about it.

I know it needs to be done. I’m just afraid that I’ll find myself on a cargo plane headed to Mozambique before I can actually muster up a backbone to let her know what I’m feeling. How do you tell your sister that you want to break up with her? How do you tell your mom that you think you guys should get a divorce? Awkward.

12 Comments:

Blogger Scot said...

I’ve watched your blog without comment for a long while now; it just seemed there was nothing to say to help. There still isn’t, really. It seems to me you could have gone either way for good and/or bad reasons, the individual likes of which I’d not dare qualify for another’s life.

I just want to say, though, I’m impressed by the fact that you didn’t cheat on your wife, given the opportunity and situation. I’m impressed you've picked one of two difficult choices, and are bighting one of the two bullets, as it were.

Anyway, warm regards, and if you eventually find yourself in the place where you want to know how we did what we did I hope you feel free to ask about the details.

10:36 AM  
Blogger playasinmar said...

"How do you tell your sister that you want to break up with her? How do you tell your mom that you think you guys should get a divorce? Awkward."

How do you sleep with anyone you consider your mother? Akward.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Elbow said...

you have no idea...

1:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

even though you have a hard road ahead of you, i'm happy for you that you've come to a decision...i don't know you, but the pain of your struggle and indecision is very evident in your posts.

i'm a straight female (non mormon) and even though i'm sure your wife will be devastated, i really believe that she deserves more than what you have to offer her.

if this is the decision you have to make, she is better off with you doing so before there are kids involved and while she is young and can find love (the romantic kind) elsewhere.

take care of yourself.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Thrasius said...

Good luck my friend. I will pray for you and your wife. I hope God can give you the strength to do what you need to do and in the right manner.

6:48 AM  
Blogger santorio said...

i suspect that a few years from now you will re-read your blogs and realize that just about every one has pointed to the decision you have made.

Many of us have been expecting this, but didn't want to say so thinking that to do so would be intrusive.

Not to say that you may change course again and decide to stay with your wife, but in the end, the life of a gay married mormon does not appear to be your long-term future.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Congrats!

10:52 AM  
Blogger Rusty said...

Having read your series of posts in the last few weeks, I've been trying to determine what I should say, if anything. So here goes.

Maybe you should divorce. Maybe you shouldn't. I certainly can't say. But the thing is, neither can you right now. You're all over the place emotionally, you're acting out bigtime on pornography, and as a recovering (straight) addict, I can assure you it completely screws with one's ability to think straight and, especially, to get any direction from God.

Look, I've known guys in recovery who ended up divorcing. And it was for the right reasons, because the marriage was beyond hope, or they got married for entirely the wrong reasons. But following the Spirit led them to that point.

Do yourself a favor. Get to some meetings. And get in touch with this guy, who I imagine would be quite happy to spend some time talking with you.

To reiterate: maybe a divorce would be best. I just don't believe you're in any shape to make that decision right now.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

Did you catch Elder Oaks's talk yesterday?

7:14 AM  
Blogger santorio said...

seems to me you have four choices [and of course when i say "you" in many ways i mean "me"]:

1. tell your wife everything, including letting her read your blogs and see if she wants to or can convince you to stay in the marriage.

2. follow the advice of g.a.'s and commit to a celibate life. a very lonely life. sure, millions of catholic and buddhists priests, monks and nuns to do so and profess happiness, as do many women and men with dead or disabled spouses. but again, a very lonely life even with insitutional subsitutes [e.g. a parish]

3. throw yourself into the gay community, which can also be lonely given the current status of gays in modern society

4. find yourself a life partner, like scott. which i would think very difficult.

options 3 and 4 would of course meaning giving of the church [at least in this life].

so your first decision, though initially liberating, seems to be just opening up more, equally difficulty decisions.

7:16 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

santorio wrote: so your first decision, though initially liberating, seems to be just opening up more, equally difficulty decisions.

Elbow, life is full of difficult decisions, whether you're straight or gay.

As someone who has been in a similar place to the one where you find yourself now, and as someone who has found a sense of belonging in the "gay community" and a man I have begun to share my life with, let me just say this: options 3 and 4 need not be as scary as those who have never experienced them are suggesting they are.

You'll be fine.

3:03 PM  
Blogger MoHoHawaii said...

3. throw yourself into the gay community, which can also be lonely given the current status of gays in modern society

4. find yourself a life partner, like scott. which i would think very difficult.


I've done both 3 and 4. I'm not lonely. It wasn't too scary. There are a lot of great folks out there. You'd be surprised how wholesome a lot of gay people are.

The time to make a change like this is when you're young. Your wife is still young enough to remarry and rebuild her life, as hard as that will be for her. It's better now than 10 years from now. You may even end up close friends.

Good luck to you.

9:36 PM  

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