Elbow: When Sleep Doesn't Matter

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

When Sleep Doesn't Matter

I can’t sleep but I’m ok with it. I find it amazing that there is so much time that our bodies need for sleep. What is it about sleep that is necessary for our progression on the earth?

Right now I’m confused. I’m bewildered as to what I should do. I prayed again last night and I just felt really lost. I keep thinking about how I to get a divorce. I think about leaving my wife and it makes sense, but I don’t want to loose her friendship. I really love her, maybe not romantically, but as a real honest and special friend. She’s too amazing to even describe. But I don’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t regret having gotten married. I don’t regret the last two years of our marriage. Every experience is of benefit to me, and I’m thankful that I was able to learn from it. But saying goodbye to what we have is pretty painful.

I realize now that I’m going through the process of getting a divorce without actually having told my wife about what I’m feeling. I just don’t know how to do that. I think part of me is still hoping that I’ll magically be ok and that I won’t have to deal with my inner conflict anymore. And I can just pretend that my feelings and thoughts never happened.

How do I do this? I just have to end it. There’s no way around it. This isn’t a marriage. It's an illusion of hope. I have to end it because it's my responsibility. I always thought that if I was persistent enough that the Lord would do it for me and that she would possibly leave me before it got to this. I want her to end it because I don’t want to be the one to end it. I want to feel like the victim, but maybe now I’ll have to feel like an adult.


Blogger playasinmar said...

You know what's best for you but this is a really big decision. Take a step back and take a deep breath before you make any monumental decisions.

And try to be as honest with your wife as you can. Surprises at this stage in your relationship are probably worth avoiding.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Thrasius said...

Dude, I am really sorry about what you are going through. I promise I will pray for you that you make the right decisions. God cares about you, your wife cares about you, and you have a whole lot of people who care about you, and a huge part of the queer-o-sphere cares about you. I hope that you can find happiness, peace, and stability. Thanks for keeping up on your blog so well, and for being there.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Forester said...

Elbow, whatever choice you make, we'll be here to support you. You can get through this. You are a good person with good intentions. Your own happiness is a righteous desire. "Men are that they might have joy." I want you to be happy and so does your Father in Heaven. You are doing the right thing by staying close to Him through prayer. I would also suggest staying close to the church. Don't let your desire to leave your marriage pull you away from the church.

You have a lot of questions about yourself that you seem not to have answered yet. You need time to look at your life and make some serious decisions. If you already had children I would definately say not to get divorced, but since you don't and you have only been married two years, the option of divorce seems more open.

If you have read any of my posts, you know that I made the decision years ago to get married and have children even though I am attracted to men. It was not a difficult decision to make. I knew it was right for me. I have struggled through the years, some years more difficult than others, but I have made it this far. Others have done the same thing, so you know that it is possible to be happily married and gay. There are no commandments that are given that God does not prepare a way for us to live them. BUT, we also have to learn line upon line and precept upon precept. We are only expected to do the best we can.

I feel for you. I understand what you are going through. At least to a certain degree. You don't have to make these decisions by yourself. You have a Bishop that can offer good advice and direction, and there are others. Trust your heart and your relationship with God. He will not abandon you.

10:22 PM  
Blogger Beck said...

I am so sorry!

I just hope you're talking to your wife and sharing with her your thoughts. It seems this debate is going on only inside your head and when you do finally tell her your decision, she'll be caught off guard, not even knowing the conflict inside you. She can be a source of help... it seems only fair to involve her in such a critical decision.

5:34 AM  
Blogger Chris said...


I've been there. Let me know if you want to talk.

You know my perspective on this: you can have a rich, fulfilling life after marriage and outside of the LDS Church.

6:38 AM  

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